‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 4 Recap: Birth Control, Baby-Daddies & Boob Jobs

Why Chelsea’s all dressed up like she’s in the “Let’s Get Physical” music video is beyond me…

Although it’s almost time for the next episode of Teen Mom 2 to air, The Ashley is just now catching up and watching the latest episode, as she was traveling all week visiting the exotic and mysterious land of… Indiana. So The Ashley apologizes for the late-ness of this recap. However, y’all should know by now that The Ashley kind of sucks at being punctual.  (Hey, if you don’t like it, in the words of Barbara Evans, “Get out! Get out!”)

Anyway, on with the show. This week’s episode picks right up where last week’s began. Jenelle hasn’t had time to see Jace or “her motha” since she got off probation. I mean, honestly, who has time to hang out with their kid when there are joints to smoke and homeless moochers to diddle?! Certainly not Jenelle.

MTV is getting quite racy this season, even showing Jenelle with her bong telling Kieffer that she’s about to get “High! High” (That’s all Kieffer has to hear. In a flash, he’s put down his Rock Band guitar and heads into Jenelle’s room to mooch a smoke and get a lil’ pickle tickle.

Later, the couple is basking in that after-sex and after-smoke glow, and Kieffer starts asking Jenelle if she “missed Kieffer” and if she thought about “The Kieff” while he was locked up. Jenelle admits that she had. (I’m sure any time she missed Kieffer she just wet a sock and left it outside for a few days, then rolled it in marijuana ash. That way she at least had his moldy marijuana scent to cling to during those cold, Kieffer-less nights.)

“I’m really getting my life together…can you hand me that bong?”

He keeps asking questions (all while talking about himself in the third person) and is trying to get Jenelle to agree to be his “boo” once again. He really wants to be with her (and her MTV paycheck, of course) and assures her that his stint in prison has made him a changed man. (At least we know he never had to worry about “dropping the soap” while in the big house, because, obviously, he does not use any soap.)

Jenelle assures Kieffer that while he was busy mooching off of the federal prison system, she, too, was making changes. She’s gone to rehab, school and has been passing drug tests. Both of these degenerates seem awfully proud of themselves for becoming such upstanding citizens. Let’s bring Babs in here to knock them down a few pegs!

Over in Kail’s neck of the woods, it’s once again time for her and Jo to go to court to discuss their custody arrangement. She’s upset that Isaac is constantly being left with Jo’s parents, so Jo can go out and “pop bottles” and what not in ‘da club. (Hey, I mean, he is an internationally known rap superstar. That’s what you have to do!)

Jo calls Kail to tell her that he has found a place in New Jersey that he is planning to move to. Kail, of course, is suspicious and asks Jo if his girlfriend Vee will be co-habitating with him in his new Jersey pad. Jo grumbles that he doesn’t know, and Kail takes that as a ‘yes.’ Obviously, she’s not thrilled with the idea that Isaac will be going over Jo’s to stay while Vee turns the house into some sort of Circus.

“Females always be tryin’ to live with me!”

Jo loads up his stuff and heads to his new apartment in Jersey. The whole gang, including Janet, Junior and Vee are helping out with the move. Later, Jo and Vee lay on his bare mattress and discuss Kail’s inability to accept their relationship. Vee hints that she’d really like to move in with Jo in “the future” (Not sure all of her spandex leggings and halter tops will fit in his closet!) Jo shuts Vee’s dream of cohabitation down really quick, telling her that they are “still young” and there’s no need for her to move in.

In South Dakota, Chelsea is relieved that she is once again menstruating and finally admits to her mom, South Dee-Ko-Tah Mary, that she and Adam had hooked up. Chelsea, wearing a rhinestone ball cap straight from Paula Abdul’s 1992 World Tour, tells her mom all about how her and Adam went to bed and did the chitty-chitty-bang-bang, to which Mary is appalled.

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“They come in all different flavors now, don’t ya know?”

She also tells her mom that she wasn’t on birth control but she’s not pregnant. “How do ya knooooow?” Mary says in all her Midwest glory. Chelsea explains that she has gotten her period, but Mary says that she should have known better and insisted that Adam have worn a condom. (If only there was some sort of website that girls could go learn about sex and condoms and all of that good stuff…oh, wait, there is…ItsYourSexLife.com, the site they advertise on every single commercial break on the show Chelsea’s the star of. Sigh.)

Chelsea assures Mary that her hook up with Adam was just a “whoops” but Mary tells her that she needs to be carrying condoms with her. (Hey, Mary’s an independent, single woman. I’ll bet she’s packing a few Trojan Ultra Sensitives in her “I Love My Kitty Cat” wallet!)

Over in West Virginia, Leah is still reeling from the end of her relationship with Jeremy. He’s come to pick up his stuff from the house and calls Corey and wants to chat. Jeremy goes over to Corey’s new house and, as a sign of respect, takes his boots off before entering. (I guess he hopes that Corey will have the same respect when he climbs in bed with his fiancé, Leah.)

“My head’s hurtin’ from all this thinkin’ and stuff.”

They sit down on Corey’s couch and Jeremy demands to know what the hell is going on between him and Leah. Corey tells him that he hates to see someone like Jeremy “get all drug up into this” mess between him and Leah. Both Corey and Jeremy agree that they don’t want Corey and Leah to last for six months and then break up again. However, Corey exclaims that part of the reason that him and Leah didn’t last was because “Robbie couldn’t keep his d*ck out of Leah long enough to let them do anything.” (This could possibly be the best line Corey’s ever uttered, just saying.) Jeremy agrees, telling Corey “Yeah, F*ck that guy. (Um..pretty sure Leah did!)

Anyway, the boys feel like they need to come up with some solution, since Leah is in love with both of them. Corey’s worried that Leah and Jeremy will “pull a Robbie” on him. Jeremy says that he doesn’t believe that Leah and Corey will be happy together, and Corey kind of agrees. They both sit there scratchin’ their heads, trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone. (As much as I make fun of this scene, I’d just like to say that I think both Corey and Jeremy handled the situation very maturely. Kudos to them for acting like adults and not turning the problem into some sort of redneck wrestling match for Leah’s heart.)

In Pennsylvania, Kail is upset that Jo living on his own has already caused him to miss one of his visitations. (Of course, Kail sleuthed it out—thanks, Twitter—to see what was so important that Jo wasn’t able to pick up Isaac, and it turns out that Jo was busy hanging out with “his boys” and Vee.) To top it off, baby Isaac is sick and Kail is stressed about court.

Speaking of not seeing your kid, we next check in with Jenelle. She’s still sans Jace, of course, but is thinking about getting two new “friends” to keep her company—breast implants! (I mean, most single, young moms have enough money to pay for plastic surgery so it makes sense…oh, wait.)

Jenelle tells her friend that she feels super insecure with how small her boobs are and that it effects her relationship with guys. (Yes, Jenelle. That must be the root of all of your problems with guys—your boobs are too small. It’s not your crazy behavior, immature and irrational thinking or your constant need for attention. It’s gotta be the boobs!)

Her friend tells Jenelle that she “like, understands why you’d, like, wanna get some boobs…and stuff because it would help you feel better about your body, and stuff.” (Wait, why does Jenelle need boobs anyway? She hasn’t peeled off that Victoria Secret pink sweatshirt in about five episodes! Who’s going to see her chest, other than Kieffer? He could care less if her bra cups are filled, just as long as she keeps his pockets filled with MTV cash!)

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This sentence basically made my day…

Over at Leah’s place, she’s trying to get Corey to tell her if he’s serious about getting back together. She calls Corey and asks when they can schedule counseling. Corey, obviously confused about everything, utters the second-best line of the evening, telling her. “I don’t know…I reckon.” (Do people really say “I reckon” in real life!? I thought that was something they only said in old John Wayne western movies.)

Leah’s upset that Corey refuses to commit to them trying to get back together, and Corey tells her about Jeremy’s little visit the night before. Talking to Jeremy has made Corey more confused than ever, and he tells Leah that he’s scared that he can’t trust her. They end up getting in a fight and Corey burps into her ear in frustration (as you do). Leah hangs up, wondering if getting back with her ex-husband is actually the best thing she can do.

In Pennsylvania, Kail’s dreading her court date with Jo. After about an hour in the courthouse (in which the cameras weren’t allowed to go inside so they just showed some shots of clouds to represent time elapsing) Kail storms out, angry that their custody arrangement has stayed the same. Jo calls Vee after the hearing to let her know that Kail has accused him of not spending enough time with Isaac, and accused Vee of such  activities such as drinking and smoking the weed.

“Just for the record, I like your wallet, er, I mean your body, just the way it is!”

In North Carolina, MTV manages to sneak in a split-second shot of Jace before jumping right back into the trials and tribulations of Jenelle and Kieffer. Jenelle still hasn’t managed to find the time to see her son, because she’s busy “working” (hahahah) and humping the Kieffsta. Jenelle takes her homeless honey out to lunch to inform him that she’s considering getting breast implants. Kieffer, too, has big news: he plans to launch his own “tobacco” (hahah) pipe business, provided that someone can buy him some carving tools and he can get his hands on some “exotic wood.” (See? I didn’t make a bad penis joke there, and I totally could have. I’m a grown-up now.)

Kieffer doesn’t seem to think Jenelle needs bigger boobs ( I mean, do you know how many illegal substances Kieff could buy with all of the money Jenelle’s going to spend to get her new funbags?!) Kieffer says he is not a fan of breast implants (and he’s “a dude…and stuff.”) He then starts spewing more wisdom, telling Jenelle, “You are how God make you.” (Raise your hand if you want to get that phrase put onto a T-shirt with Kieffer’s face! You know my hand’s raised!)

Although he’s not thrilled at the prospect of Jenelle getting new gigantic jugs, he supports her decision, although he does add that he likes her “little t*ts, because they’re my friends” and that he’s “very attached to the old t*ts.” This whole scene just got a whole lot creepier (if that’s even possible).

“I reckon he reckons he wants to get back together…”

Meanwhile, Leah’s feeling guilty for dragging Jeremy through all of the drama between her and Corey. She’s wondering if Corey even does want to get back together, and is considering dropping the whole “dern” idea of them getting back together and just being with Jeremy. She knows that she has ripped Jeremy’s heart out of his chest, but he’s still trying to get back with Leah. “I’m leaving a ‘yes’ for an ‘I don’t know, maybe,” she tells her friend Kayla. (Does anyone else feel really freaking bad for Jeremy right about now?! Seriously, this guy is a saint for putting up with Leah and all her ridiculousness.)

Leah knows she’s making her bed and will soon have to lie in it, however, she still doesn’t know which guy it is that she wants to be lying next to her. She says she regrets dumping Jeremy (or as he’s also known, “the yes”) for Corey.

Back  in Pennsylvania, a tweet from Vee has gotten Kail all up in arms. Apparently, Vee took to “the Twitter” after Jo’s court hearing to let the world know that she smokes and drinks and that she “didn’t know her life was a crime.” (Well, technically….smoking weed is a crime…and so is wearing floral spandex leggings and a Bulls hat….but only one could get you arrested.)

She wants Jo to tell Vee to shut her mouth, but Javi explains that Jo doesn’t really care because he loves Vee and her fabulous ways.


Over in South Dakota, things aren’t going so swell for Chelsea either. She’s received an email letting her know that she will have to move out of her house because the owner saw how messy she was and wants her to move her crap out ASAP wants the house back. Chelsea said she’s just too stressed out to move right now so she calls Randy up to whine about the situation.

Randy, always the calm in the face of the storm that is Chelsea’s drama, tells her that she can go back to the house she was living at. (“I don’t wanna go back to where I was!” Chelsea stomps in an Aubree-esque tantrum.) She decides that the best move would be to cry from being too stressed out. She realizes that she will essentially be homeless in a few weeks. She continues to wail, even after Aubree keeps telling her over and over “Stop Crying!” I think that should be the theme song of this show, just have Aubree say that over and over during the opening credits.

Back in Jenelle-ville, it’s time to head over to the plastic surgeon’s office to have a consultation. Afterwards, she heads over to visit Barbara (and that kid that is always there.) She tells Babs that she is considering getting her boobs done, and as she continues to talk, Babs’ face is just priceless. She’s contorting her mug into all sorts looks as Jenelle explains that she feels trapped in a 12-year-old’s body.

“Well Juh-nelle, ya should think about gettin’ a brain implant instead of worryin’ about ya boobs!”

“It’s a very radical sur-gahry, Juh-nelle,” Babs protests. “It’s fake! It’s a foreign ohhbject in ya body!” Jenelle explains that because she’s not getting surgery on her face or, um, legs, it’s totally fine. Babs, always the bargain shopper, wants to know how long the boobs will last. (“Did ya check the PennySava to see if anyone has a coupon?!”) Jenelle assures Babs that the boobs come with a ten-year warranty (!)

Babs is happy to hear that Kieffer is also against Jenelle getting bazoongas, but Jenelle is still insistent, explaining that having small boobs is like a guy having to walk around with a tiny penis hanging out of his pants. (I just….can’t….)

Barbara tells Jenelle that people don’t like her because of her boobs, but rather her personality. (Um, that’s probably why she has no friends!) Still, Jenelle decides she’s going to get the surgery, but will need to take some time off from work, er, parenting, I mean school, I mean….being a general hoodlum while her boobs heal. They decide that for a few weeks Jenelle won’t be able to be around Jace. Jenelle says that even though Babs doesn’t like the whole idea, she’s going to get the new rack anyway.

In West Virginia, Leah has met up with Corey to drop off the twins and discuss the future of their relationship. They discuss how neither of them like to “ride each other’s ride.” (Wait, I’m sorry, what? Is there someone that can translate for me here?) Corey said that Jeremy’s visit has made him have second thoughts about getting back together, and Leah says that she’s going to call the whole thing off because Corey’s not serious.

They wonder if Jeremy will take Leah back, and agree that Jeremy’s more of a man than Corey is. Leah (all while chewing her gum like a big piece of corncob) wastes no time in texting Jeremy and letting him know that she’s all his if he’ll have her.

Next week, Chelsea wants to move out of South Dakota, Kail wants Javi to move in, Jenelle wants Kieffer to move out (of her vagina) so Gary can get back in, and Leah wants Jeremy to move back home.

(Photos: MTV)

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