Well kiddies, it makes The Ashley very sad to say but we are approaching the end of Teen Mom 2. With only two episodes left, we will soon be living a life without Barbara Evans’ cackle and Jenelle Evans‘ hi-jinks. (Is this a life even worth living?!) The Ashley is dreading seeing those final credits roll after tomorrow’s episode.

With that said, let’s kick off the fun with out favorite degenerate from North Carolina, Jenelle. She is heading to court to face her charges from when she and Gary “got into a big fight” and knocked the beJesus out of each other. (These people do realize you and your significant other can have a disagreement that doesn’t result in a court date, right?!)

Jenelle explains why she feels she will beat her charges, since Gary threw her on the bed in a rage. “Is there any chance you go to jail today?” a hopeful Kieffer asks her. (He’s trying to see how many hours he’d have to 1) smoke all of her marijuana/any other illegal substance he can get his grimy mitts on 2) eat all of the snack treats in her cupboard and 3) clean out her wallet while she’s incarcerated.)

Jenelle is confident that she won’t get thrown in the slammer, especially since it’s been TWO WHOLE WEEKS since she’s smoked “the weed” and should be able to pass a drug test.

An hour later Jenelle and her cutie-patootie lawyer, Dustin Sullivan, emerge from the courthouse victorious, and Dustin has to give Jenelle MTV the run-down of what just went down: Jenelle’s charges were dropped, Gary admitted his guilt and took a plea and he’s not able to have any contact with Jenelle. (Except for, you know, sexually contact, which will of course happen once she and Kieff hit the skids and she needs some convict lovin’!)

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is preparing for Aubree’s third birthday party and is worried about having to go back to school in a week. She’s trying her best to figure out a way to be able to continue being on a “leave” from hair school. I mean, if you think about it, she really has no time for school. She has so much stuff going on, like having to work full-time….oh, wait. And cleaning her house…oh, wait. And having absolutely no help with Aubree…oh, wait. Girl, get your ass back to that school right now.

The next day is Aubree’s birthday party. Chelsea’s rented a bouncy castle and invited the whole hair school clan (and their many rugrats), South Dee-kot-ah Mary, and Papa Randy to enjoy the festivities. Everyone is there, except, of course, Adam, who wasn’t invited.

Later that day, Chelsea tells her pals that she’s nervous to go back to school. They all agree that, even though it’s been forever since she was working on hair, it’s best that she continue her education.

In Pennsylvania, Kail is preparing for her wedding at the courthouse the following week. She invites some pals over to discuss her future plans, and how she is going to tell Jo about her wedding and possible move with Javi.

Finally we check in with Leah, who is stressed out about Ali’s upcoming doctor’s appointment. She asks Jeremy if he’d be able to attend the appointment, but he is unfortunately not able to “be there for the little brat” (as he said) because he has to work. Aw, so heartwarming.

Ali appears to be making great progress and is even able walk a few steps. She excitedly calls her daddy, Corey, and tells him “I walked!” (Cutest thing ever, seriously!)

Jenelle, meanwhile, is being evicted. “Do you even know the reason we’re getting evicted? We don’t even owe that much rent to be getting evicted!” Kieffer protests. (Isn’t it cute how he acts like he contributes to the rent?) Um, numbnuts, you haven’t paid your rent. That’s why you’re getting evicted. Try to keep up, Gilligan.

Kieffer’s all up in arms over this “evic” and is trying to figure out a way to be able to stay at the house. (Um, how about by paying your rent?)

They decide that they should just move out before they get evicted, so Jenelle starts to look for places on line. However, Kieffer lets her know that she shouldn’t even try to get a place in any of “them apartment complexes,” since they won’t exactly welcome convicted felon Kieffer with open arms. (I can’t imagine they’d be all that thrilled to have Jenelle, her gang of felon friends and her camera crew there either.)

Meanwhile, Leah, Ali, Aleeah, and Leah’s mom Dawn travel to Ohio for Ali’s doctor’s appointment. They meet up with Corey at the hospital and we see that he’s brought his new squeeze, Miranda, with him. However, for some reason, her face is being blurred which means that she didn’t sign the MTV contract…hmm….

After the appointment, Corey and Leah discuss Ali’s testing and then head off in separate directions. Leah wants to hear what’s wrong with Ali, but is also scared to find out what it is. She’s worried that the doctors will tell her that there’s nothing Ali can do to catch up.

Over at Kail’s, it’s time for family counseling with Jo. She’s planning on telling Jo about her upcoming wedding right after the counseling session. Javi doesn’t believe that the therapy will do any good, which pisses Kail off a bit. Javi—just let her go to therapy. You’ll get the TV for like two hours and you can watch ‘Sports Center’ without any interruption.

She and Jo head over to the family counselor’s office. The counselor, Joseph Kelly, is cool with the MTV crew so we are allowed inside the session. Jo tells the counselor that he and Kail are court-ordered to be there and Kail starts talking about how much she hates Jo’s  girlfriend. Jo shares her feelings about having someone take his place too. Ironically, Jo starts talking about how he would never be OK with Kail moving Isaac away. Hmm..this should make for an awkward after-counseling convo!

Meanwhile, Chelsea is getting Aubree ready to go to the pool party that Adam’s throwing her for her birthday. She’s having a hard time letting Aubree go, and tells Aubree that she wants her to stay with her. “I have to go with Daddy,” Aubree tries to rationalize to Chelsea. Maybe Aubree should be the ‘Teen Mom 2’ therapist? That kid always makes a lot of sense and is obviously pretty smart. (For sure smarter than Jenelle, at least.)

Anyway, Adam pulls up to fetch his daughter and barely acknowledges Chelsea, which makes her sad. At the party, we get to see Adam’s parents, Vern and Donna for the very first time ever. (They have always been on Team Face Blur-Out.)

In North Carolina, Babs arrives with “the baby.” “It really stinks, bad,” Babs cackles when she walks into Jenelle and Kieffer’s drug dungeon. “That’s because of the, um, trash,” Jenelle tells her. (Jenelle, do you really think you should be talking about Kieffer like that when he’s still in the room with you? How rude!)

Kieffer’s eager to show Babs his new saw. (Wait, we’re giving this yokel power tools now?! Yeah, that should work out well. Well, at least we can rest assured that he won’t have them for long. He’ll surely hawk them for drug money soon enough.)

Babs could care less about the saw, and wants to know why Jenelle hasn’t paid her rent. “Ya two are the same way, déjà vu! Same thing, ya have not changed!” Barbara yells. This, of course, pisses our little soon-to-homeless minx off, and Jenelle screams that she doesn’t need Barbara’s help. I mean, Kieffer has a successful marijuana pipe business to support them. Meanwhile, Jace is in his room trying to strangle himself with his bed comforter.

The fight between Babs and Jenelle starts to escalate when Jenelle says, “I don’t want my kid in the same room as you.” Babs has had enough and screams, “Ya don’t want your F&*ckin’ kid at all!” Jenelle assures Babs that she will take her child back because she says sober. (I mean, two whole weeks without using drugs! How much more sober does it get?)

Of course, Babs points out that Jenelle has been buying “kilos of weed…or pounds of weed, whateva they arrre!” Barb also points out that all of this trouble began when the Kieffsta came back into their lives. The comment must have woken Kieffer out of his drug-induced stupor, because he joins in on the conversation, telling Babs, “You’re 60 years old and still working at the deli of Wal-Mart.”

Oh.No.He.Did.Not.

Jenelle joins in on the Babs-bashing, tell her “You’re going to work at Wal-Mart for the rest of your life.”

Babs starts to cry, flips off her “bitch of a daughta” and starts to leave, all while Jenelle keeps saying she’s going to take Jace. (Jace, meanwhile, seems to find the whole thing hysterical, and is jumping up and down on the couch like he’s cheering for the Home Team at a baseball game. I guess this is just a typical Tuesday night for the boy.)

Babs tells Jenelle that she’ll have a hard time getting Jace back since she’s living with convicted felon Kieffer. Then Kieffa utters possibly one of the best lines ever to grace the ‘Teen Mom 2’ TV screen…

“Bein’ a felon ain’t illegal!”

I just….can’t……really? I think angels came down from the heavens and inserted this quote into the episode just for The Ashley. In my opinion, the series can just stop there. There’s no way anything will ever top that quote.

After the fight with Juh-nelle, Barb takes Jace home to show him his new bed. “Look at how tha drawas come out!” Babs cooes, marveling the fine craftsmanship of the new furniture. Jace is thrilled with the new “Big Boy” bed and “Spiderman” bedspread.

In ChelseaLand, Adam arrives to drop off Aubree. He ignores Chelsea again, except to tell her that the birthday party went well.” It gets all awkward and Chelsea just tells him, “Um, bye.” Adam (and his pink shoelaces) leave, and Chelsea’s friend asks if Adam’s new girlfriend was at the party, but Chelsea says she doesn’t want to know.

This is when this becomes a “very special episode of ‘Teen Mom 2.’

Jenelle tells us that she’s “depressed over not having Jace” so to make herself better, she and Kieffer have been “partying a lot.” We even get to tag along with Jenelle and Kieff as they go on a drug run! Kieffer is a pro at this stuff, telling Jenelle it’s cheaper to buy drugs in bulk  than to buy small amounts at a time. (Maybe there’s some sort of Heroin Sam’s Club they can go to? You have to show your track marks at the door to get in.)

Things at Jenelle’s House of Horrors are quickly becoming more and more destitute. The sink is stacked with dishes, the dog’s forced to eat the day-old leftovers of one of Kieffer’s snacks, and Jenelle is so depressed that she can’t make sweet love to Kieffer.

Kieffer tells her she has no reason to be depressed. In fact, life is great! They have like $70 to their name, tobacco pipes are flying off the (drug-lined) shelves, and, hey, it could be worse. They could be living in the front seat of the car again.

“Why are you being so mean to me!?” Jenelle wails. “No one understands where I’m coming from!” She goes to take a bath, and Kieffer, trying to be the doting house-husband, asks her if he can get her anything—food, something to drink, pain pills..dope? (As you do.) Jenelle doesn’t take him up on his offer and instead is planning to drive to Wilmington to find something to get herself “f**king high.”

Kieffer’s offended that she didn’t take him up on his offer to fetch her drugs, but eventually hops in Jenelle’s car to go get her some dope. Almost on cue, one of those “If you or someone you know is battling substance abuse…” message pops up on the screen. They should just keep that message up on the screen any time Jenelle’s mug appears.

Meanwhile, Kail is about to tell Jo about her plans to marry and move away with Javi. She chickens out, but Jo actually ends up guessing that she’s moving, so she finally just tells him that Javi joined the military and they are discussing getting married. Jo is slowly catching on that Kail will be moving to a military base. “That sounds ridiculous,” Jo says. “That sounds like, dumb.” Jo is all eye rolls and giggles over Kail’s plan.

“What happens in three years when you find out he love m*** porn?” (I’m thinking that was MILF that was bleeped out.) Kail says she doesn’t want to fight with Jo, but Jo doesn’t seem to be backing down. It’s gonna get ugly….

The episode ends with Leah worrying about Ali’s  appointment, Kail worrying about the next week when she is planning to get married, Chelsea worrying about taking the next step with beauty school, and Jenelle worrying about her next drug fix.

Only one episode left! Don’t leave me, Babs!

Did you miss last week’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap? Click here to read it! And….if you really enjoy getting your ‘Teen Mom’ on,  The Ashley suggests you pick up a copy of her book, Teen Mom Confidential: Secrets & Scandals From MTV’s Most Controversial Shows!

(Photos: MTV)