‘Bachelorette’ Desiree Episode 9: “Men Tell…The Same Stories Over & Over”

The next one that talks about that stupid van conversation gets tarred and feathered.
The next one that talks about that stupid van conversation gets tarred and feathered.

Howdy, fellow crappy TV lovers! This week was the “Men Tell All” special week on The Bachelorette. This is not one of The Ashley‘s favorite weeks, she’ll be honest. Basically, they just drag back a bunch of the goons that Desiree sent packing over the season and put them all in one room and let them argue with each other on camera. Ugh. I like it better when it’s The Bachelor because the women get straight brutal on each other. Like, pumps, weaves, Lee Press-on Nails go flying around the studio on the regular!

But, since we’re stuck watching the men, The Ashley will keep this recap short and sweet. She doesn’t actually have much choice, since 85% of this episode is just re-airing clips that we’ve already seen from past episodes. The other 15 % (see, I’m good at math sometimes!) is basically just all of the guys verbally bitch-slapping Ben and James. I’ll bet ol’ Michael G. got all wet in the pants just thinking about how much fun he would have that night.

Desiree Bachelorette
“You know you want this guy to break into your house!”

Anyway, the episode starts off with clips of Desiree and Chris Harrison “crashing” (and by “crashing” I mean going to the houses of people who have signed up, been notified they’ve been chosen and then signed all appropriate release forms, including the one that says they have to act surprised and go batsh*t crazy when these knuckleheads come through their door.)

They arrive at the first ‘Bachelorette’ viewing party, where a gang of women (plus a few men that are willing to endure watching this crap for the chance to get some poo-nanny at the end of the night) are all watching. The women go nuts when they see Des and Chris, of course.

Next, they head to New York City, where they meet up with Ashley and JP…and random Trista Sutter (sans Ryan…hmm) to go crash another party. Somehow the people that live there have managed to pack about 1,500 cougars into their Manhattan apartment that’s the size of a VW bug. There’s no way in hell I could take Trista’s perkiness in a room that small. I’d be the one out on the balcony threatening to jump.

After we’ve waded our way through that awfulness, the producers then subject us to a special ‘Bachelorette’ Girl Talk session, in which former Bachelorettes Ashley, Ali Fedotowsky and Emily Maynard all sit around and chat with Des about how to handle bad boys. Ahh, nothing like a big dose of crappy filler, eh? Desiree tells the ladies that she really needs their advice. Um…only one of these chicks is still with the dude she chose on the show. I don’t think they’re exactly the Dear Abbys of relationships.

Men Tell All
“Geez, Ali. Put down the self-tanner and pick up a brush!”

Basically, the entire segment is just Ali (who obviously hasn’t seen a hairbrush in the last 50 days– girl fix that wig!) talking, while Emily just sits there looking pretty. So. Damn.Pretty.No.Fair.

After that gag-inducing segment, it’s finally time to wheel out the rejected men. They’ve got a lot of the “good” ones: James, Ben, Zak W., Michael G., etc., plus a whole bunch of guys I can’t remember. Seriously, I couldn’t pick any of these dudes out of a lineup. Did they go out into Time Square and just look for guys with decent tans?

After introducing the men, we watch more clips of crap we’ve already seen, including the clip where Jonathon tries to basically sexually assault Des the first night in his makeshift Fantasy Suite. Jonathon, who is present at the taping, seems like a decent dude, explaining his whole Fantasy Suite ploy was a “joke gone wrong.” He apologizes to everyone for acting like a douche-snarl.

“Oh no He.Did.NOT!”

Next they move on to talking about Guy-with-a-Girlfriend Brian, who has chosen not to attend the taping. Finally, it’s time to attack Ben, who goes to Chris Harrison’s “hot seat” to answer for his “crimes.” After watching a clip of him fake-crying after Michael G was mean to him on their 2-on-1 date, and then talking crap on Des and the show in the limo, Ben says he regrets saying those things. All the guys agree that off-camera Ben is very different from on-camera Ben and that he wasn’t here for the #rightreasons.

Andrew (who I think they found at Craft Services right before the taping because I’ve never seen this dude in my life) claims that Ben’s baby-momma approached him in Vegas and informed him that Ben’s son was conceived while Ben was dating some other chick. (Um…anyone else not really buying this story? I’m not trying to stick up for Ben here but, who goes to ‘da club’, recognizes Andrew from ‘The Bachelorette’ and is like, “Oh yeah, I’m the ho Ben cheated on his girlfriend with and knocked up.” I don’t think so.)

Next it’s time to rehash the James situation. Ughhhhh….must we? He may have a brand-new orange-tastic tan but he has the same crappy attitude he did on the show. Again, he basically blames Mikey for the whole “let’s get some boats and hos” conversation. Mikey is strangely silent throughout all of this. He was, no doubt, told by producers to shut his trap until after the commercial break, of course.

Juan Pablo Mikey
“You no hit Juan Pablo pretty face when you hit Kasey!”

After the show returns from break, Mikey finally is allowed to tell “the truth” about what was really said during that fateful van ride. He says that they realized that he and James were both very different from Brooks, a guy who Des was clearly crazy about. Because of this, Mikey claims that they realized that they probably didn’t have much of a chance to win Des’ heart, therefore the next logical solution would be to go back to Chicago, find some girls and party it up. He said it’s not a bad thing to have a Plan B.

Kasey says that they were talking about getting lots of tall girls with a lot of money. For some reason, that comment pisses Mikey off. He gets all defensive saying, “I did not say anything about tall girls!”

He is mad that he’s being accused of going on the show for the #wrongreasons.

He actually gets all roid-ragey on Kasey, jumping up and pushing his steroid-pumped body into Kasey’s face. Oh, Lord, please throw a chair! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Unfortunately, no furniture is thrown, but Kasey does say something that gets bleeped. (I’m pretty sure he was talking about one of the guys jacking-off off-camera?) Random Juan Pablo (who has been quite the hit with the ladies) speaks up and says he wouldn’t let his daughter date someone like James. Um…that’s good because you’re daughter is like 4, bro.

It ends with James saying that he’s still open to becoming the next ‘Bachelor.’ Don’t hold your breath, buddy.

“You want I be new Bachelor, no?”

Next they bring down Juan Pablo. Honestly, if he was a tiny bit easier to understand, I could totally see him being up for the spot of being the next ‘Bachelor.’ However, they’ve never done a “Bachelor: Latin Lover Edition” so there’s still hope. ABC is certainly setting things up for him to snag the job. He says he’s looking for a nice girl that he can go to the movies with. (Or, you know, on an ABC-funded helicopter tour of Europe…either way.)

After that, it’s time to bring down poor Zak W. He is still hopelessly devoted (“Grease”-style) to Des. He looks like he’s about to cry as he watches the sad clips of his breakup with Desiree and then tells us that he’s still in love with Desiree. “It won’t go away. It’s there,” he says of the ever-lasting love he feels for the chick he met for a few weeks on a TV show. (Get this guy on Bachelor Pad 4…or at least suicide watch.)

They read some poem that Zak W. wrote to Desiree using invisible ink. Um…where did this guy acquire invisible ink during this whole escapade? I’m not being chained up inside the ‘Bachelorette’ Hotel, yet even I don’t know where the hell to get that stuff. But apparently, he managed to find some and wrote a “touching” love poem to Des inside that diary he gave her a while back. As you do.

Next they wheel out Desiree to face the men she left behind. As per usual, she’s all dressed up like she’s about to perform with The Supremes, in some sparkly gold and silver gown. First, Chris Harrison brings up Fantasy Suite Jonathon, who manages to work #therightreasons into the conversation. Then she calls out Ben for being a douche (yawn). Next, it’s time to drudge up the James stuff…again.

Look, at this point, I’m so sick of hearing about the James/Mikey van conversation, I could care less. Seriously, even if James said he was plotting to kill Des by bludgeoning her to death with Chris Harrison’s stiff corpse, can we please move on?

men tell all
“Sigh. Again with the guitar, eh?”

Finally, Des deals with poor brokenhearted Zak, who has composed a little ditty for the occasion. He sings all about how his heart is “bruised for life.” No, seriously, that happened. I’ll give him this though; his singing is certainly better than ol’ Wes. I’d listen to Zak’s song any day over that “Love Don’t Come Easy” crap.

After a blooper reel, Des discusses her final three guys: Drew, Brooks and Chris. Of course, all of them are perfect. However, the finale is supposedly so dramatic that it had to be split into two parts! We won’t get to know who proposes to/dumps/kills Desiree until August 5. Waaa!

The finale starts Monday!

(Photos: ABC)

One Response

  1. So glad I’m not the only one who thought Andrews baby mama story was a little far fetched when it began with ‘his baby mama recognized me in Vegas’ … Seriously this guy could have been my waiter with a name tag and I’d still have no idea who he was, let alone was a contestant on the bachelorette. Also, bens baby mama allowed Ben to bring his son to meet des on the first night so apparently they must have a good relationship for her to be okay with that, so I highly doubt she’s seeking relatively unknown contestants out just to talk crap about Ben.

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