Turn off your phones! Kick your husbands out of the house! It’s Bachelorette finale night, bi-otches! This is like New Years Eve for The Ashley— basically you wait hours and hours for two or three fun minutes at the end of the night. And you drink mass amounts of alcohol. Oh…wait…is The Ashley the only one that has to guzzle half a liter of Smirnoff Pineapple in order to get through this crap?

Anyway, tonight’s episode will basically pick up where we left off last week, with Desiree getting her ass dumped by Brooks. Before we can dive right into that, we check in with Chris Harrison, who’s coming to us live from a room full of crappy TV-loving cougars who have all gotten a cat sitter for the night so they could attend the festivities. (Who am I kidding– I’d go to that taping in a heartbeat!)

Next we head to Antigua, where a brokenhearted Desiree tells us that Brooks leaving made her feel blindsided because she had pictured herself marrying him. She’s sulking around her suite (which, by the way, is littered with framed portraits of the other two guys that she doesn’t really want.)

Chris Harrison comes to chat with Des, and she instantly bursts into tears.  He keeps asking questions, and she just keeps crying. Chris is really pitching Drew and Chris. (“Think of how nice Drew’s skin is! Imagine how big of a 401k Chris probably has!”) in hopes of keeping Des on the show. She seems to at least be willing to try to make herself love one of them because, you know, her “spirit isn’t broken.” Ugh. I’ll bet she’s going to write a crappy poem about this and call it that.

Chris H. says that they’re going to have a rose ceremony and that he’ll parade out the “Number 2’s” and hope that Des can forget about Brooks. Chris and Drew arrive, and Desiree is still blubbering about “how hard” it all is. Yes, it’s just so hard. I’m sure even the starving kids in Ethiopia feel bad for you, Des.

Chris Harrison emerges and tells the guys that, “Brooks is not with us.” Um, did Brooks die sometime between now and last week? Must we be so dramatic about everything, seriously!?

Desiree comes out to face the guys and reveals that Brooks dumped her. Drew breathes a noticeable sign of relief. Aww, so cute…he still thinks he has a shot at marrying her! Anyway, she gives out the two roses, but not before warning the men that if they don’t have plans to put a Neil Lane sparkler on her finger then they best not be accepting it. (OMG– how great would it have been if both men had said “Thanks, but no thanks” and left? They would’ve had to wheel out ol’ Brad Womack for a third time!)

Both men accept the roses, and we head back to check in with the crowd of cougars and Chris Harrison in the studio. This is where things get unbearable.

Because they want to stretch this crap to three whole hours, Chris decides to chat it up with a few of the cougars to see who they think is going to win. Um…nobody cares. Write it in your diary later, honey. Let’s get to the heartbreaking and what not! I don’t have all night! (Well, OK, maybe I do, but that’s not the point!) I honestly envy those of you who watched the finale on your DVR because you could fast-forward through all this filler crap!

Anyway, back in Antigua, Des is taking Drew on a horseback-riding date. I always say that there’s nothing quite like getting dumped while riding a horse. It really adds some class to the dumping, don’t you think? Unfortunately, Drew seems to have no clue as to what’s coming. He’s all suited up in his finest pink shorts for the occasion, and keeps telling her how he can’t wait to propose. Their conversation is getting really awkward and we all know what’s coming.

They sit down on the beach to chat and Drew is laying it on really thick. We all know that Desiree is super-imposing Brooks’ face on Drew’s body in her mind at this point, but he has no clue. He even toasts to “being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else”[except on Brooks’ lap, of course, which is applicable to both Drew and Des]. Finally, Desiree just blurts out that she doesn’t see a future with him and that something’s missing. Drew is, of course, stunned and devastated.

He takes it like a champ, though, and thanks her for being honest. He bids her farewell and walks off down the beach, brokenhearted. He’s shoveled into the Pity Van, which just happens to be conveniently cruising the area, and cries as the cameras fade and we go back to the studio audience.  Everyone looks stunned. Really? You didn’t see that one coming?!

The next day, Des is bummed about having to dump Drew but she is looking forward to her date with Chris. She tells them they’ll be riding a catamaran. Um…isn’t that the date she was supposed to go on with Brooks the day her ass got dumped? Hey, I guess if you’ve already paid the rental fee, why waste it simply because one guy doesn’t want to spell the rest of his life with Des?

Chris tells Des that he’ll always be there for her, which, at this point, is good because well…he’s the only one left. Otherwise she’s going to have to start dating cameramen. Or bring back that guy in the knight suit.

After frolicking in the ocean, Des goes back to Chris’ suite (Get your man, girl!) and they talk about how they’re made for each other. Oh God, I feel a poem coming on…

Desiree says that she’s “always seen it there with Chris.” (Um, except when you were trying to get Brooks to marry you, like, yesterday, of course.) Next, Chris produces a gift for Desiree. It’s a journal full of—wait for it—his crappy poems!

Let’s speed things up a bit because, well, this crap was three hours long and my fingers are getting tired of typing! We check back in with the studio, where Chris H. has collected three girls from Des’ season that no one cares about to give their opinions on what’s going to happen. Next we talk to ‘Bachelor’ lovebirds Sean and Catherine, who tell us that they will get married…someday. Honest. I’ll be expecting that “Why I Dumped Him” issue of People magazine very shortly.

Anyway, it’s time for Chris to meet Des’ family. They’ve emerged from their tent and are probably thrilled to get a free trip to Antigua. Even Des’ brother, Nate, is present for the festivities! Chris and Des arrive and the family gets right to the grilling, but Chris answers each question promptly and efficiently, like he’s applying for a job. He asks Des’ father for his permission to ask Desiree to marry him and the dad, even though he just met him an hour before, gleefully agrees. (Hey, one less mouth to feed in the tent, right? That was awful. I’m a terrible person.)

It’s time for Chris to hit the road so that Des can talk about him with her family. Nate asks Desiree if she can really see a future with this guy when, only a few days ago, she was pining for Brooks. Desiree says that “in this moment” she can. Sounds promising to me. She says it took “a long time” to get over Brooks (Yeah, like three whole days!) but that she now realizes that she had strong feelings for Chris the whole time.

Or something.

The next day is the proposal day. Chris is all set to propose so he high-tails it over to Neil Lane’s Cottage of Diamonds to pick out a ring for Des. He chooses a ginormous rocks and Neil gleefully wraps it up for him, all while making sure that the “Neil Lane” logo is clear and visible at any camera angle. As you do.

Chris and Desiree arrive at the proposal spot, and Chris has no clue that he’s the last man standing. Desiree tells us that she has no clue what she’s going to do. Oh, man. I hope Chris is in the middle of a proposal and Brooks comes kayaking down the ocean screaming, “Deeeeesireeeee! Waiiiiit!”

Desiree takes her spot at the proposal area, rose in hand. Chris emerges from the limo and makes his way over to Des. He walks through a field of random antique cannons. Well, look on the bright side, Chris, maybe you can fire one of those babies up if you see Brooks coming in from a distance.

Anyway, Chris begins his speech and goes to bend down on one knee but Desiree stops him. Oh, helllll no! She says she has a few things she wants to say too. First she lets him know that she ditched Drew and that he’s the only one that met her family. She says she loved Brooks and was torn between the two of them but now she realizes that Brooks leaving allowed her to see that it should have been Chris all along.

Really? REALLY?!?!?!

She tells him that she loves him and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. With that, Chris proceeds to propose and Des gleefully accepts, shoving that Neil Lane on her finger faster than you can say “Second Best is Good Enough!”

The whole time I seriously am expecting Brooks to emerge at any moment. Swim, Brooks, Swim! This is your last chance! #YOLO! Come on!

It’s too late. They are already engaged. They turn to the camera for the first time this season and speak awkwardly to the TV viewing audience. (It’s kind of like on Saved by the Bell when Zack would turn toward the camera and have a private conversation with us. Time out!)

They stroll off into the sunset…and right into the “After the Final Rose” special. I always find these nauseatingly sweet (except, of course, for the time that Jason Mesnick dumped his fiance for the runner-up. That was the best!) I’ll try to make this part brief. They bring out Desiree, who’s still wearing the ring, which is a good sign. She insists that Chris wasn’t a “second choice” and that she really does see forever with him. Chris Harrison keeps bringing the conversation back to Brooks. (Keep beating on that dead horse, buddy! It’s good for ratings!)

Apparently, they’ve dragged Brooks to the ATFR, and Des says she’s OK with seeing him again. They bring him out and you can totally tell that Des is trying her best to keep her paws off Brooks’ junk. He explains that he doesn’t regret his decision, that he’s sorry that he hurt her, blah blah blah. Desiree tells him that after he left, things went really well (Ouch!) and that she’s engaged to Chris. Brooks doesn’t seem all that surprised, and tries his best to look happy for them.

Next they bring up Drew (and his shattered heart) to face Desiree. He tells us it was a “long recovery process” for him to get over Des (like maybe four whole days?!) and that on the last day he knew they were headed “down the street to Breakup Town.” (Yup, that actually happened. He said that.)

The rest was all just Chris and Des talking about how in love they were, etc. Yawn. I will admit that it’s nice to see the nice guy finally get the girl but…this was a total snoozefest.

Finally, it’s time to announce who will be the next ‘Bachelor.’ Will it be Brooks? Drew? Nope…they wheel out…..Juan Pablo! Apparently they want a spicy Latin Lover to sit in the ‘Bachelor’ seat next season. I hope they have subtitles because, as cute as this dude is, I can’t understand anything he says!

That’s all for this season, kids! Thanks for checking in every week for The Ashley’s ‘Bachelorette’ recaps! The Ashley hopes you all have good luck on your own journeys to find love!

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(Photos: ABC)