It’s Bachelor time bee-otches! Since there are only 15 gals left vying for the heart of our Latino lover, Juan Pablo, things are getting even more intense than ever before! (And by ‘intense’ I mean mildly interesting at best.)
Anyway, this week’s episode starts off with Chris Harrison strolling into the Mansion and announcing that, once again, there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date, and that a few unlucky souls will be forced to stay in the house all week and will not have a chance to make small talk with Juan Pablo. The horror!
Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Cassandra, the blubbering single mother. Last week, JP promised that as soon as he realized he wasn’t feeling Cassandra (or as soon as he got in her pants, whichever came first) he would cut her so she could go back to her toddler son. He arrives to pick her up, driving some sort of Jeep-like contraption. They head over to the harbor and JP says that they will be spending the day on a yacht. (Naturally.)
Anyway, the Jeep turns out to be a whole lot more than just a regular car.
“It’s water car!” Juan Pablo gleefully explains, as he drives it right into the water. Cassandra is doing her best to try to pretend she’s enjoying herself. Guuurl, we know you’re just trying to figure out how to protect those extensions from getting wet. Everyone knows that wet extensions tend to stink like a moist goat.
After the ‘water-carring’ JP and Cassandra head over to their private yacht. She says that this is the most fun she’s ever had on a first date.
Later, they do the stereotypical ‘Bachelor’ jump off the yacht and make out once they are in the water. As you do.
Meanwhile, back at the Mansion, Renee, the other single mom, is busy telling all the other girls how “she” and Cassandra made a connection with JP and how he promised to send “them” home if he wasn’t feeling it. Um…I don’t remember him ever saying anything about you, honey. She keeps grouping herself in with Cassandra, but let’s face it: she’s not the one “in water car” with JP right now.
Back on the date, JP decides to bring Cassandra back to his home for the evening. His daughter was given the boot so that Daddy could “make sex” with the former basketball team dancer. He says he wants Cassandra to “feel like a home.” (He actually did say that, I didn’t even have to make that one up!) He puts an apron on her and throws her into the kitchen. After the pretend to cook for awhile, they decide to do an impromptu salsa dance.
Um….for a pro dancer, Cassandra’s not very good.
Next they compare pics of their kids (yawwwwwn) and JP keeps saying how great of a mom Cass is. Um…you’ve known this chick for about three days and all we know about her is that she left her very young child so that she could come bone some dude who’s also boning 26 other chicks in a hot tub on television. Let’s not be doling out any Mother of the Year awards just yet. He ends up giving Cassandra the date rose.
The next day is the group date. The date card says, “Let’s kick it!” so it’s completely shocking that it turns out to be a soccer date. “I didn’t see that one coming”….said no one ever. Anyway, the girls run to greet a sweaty JP. (I think I saw Renee pull out a bottle so that she could take home a sample of JP’s man glow!)
Some of the gals have played soccer before, but others are not very excited about the date.
“Those balls hurt!” one girl complains. “What if the balls hit you in the face?!”
The girls are split into two teams with JP acting as the ref. There’s a bunch of moments where nothing is happening except the girls are squealing and screaming. It’s mildly nauseating.
JP jumps in to help the blue team. Unfortunately for poor
Sardine Sharleen, Juan Pablo keeps smacking her in the face “on accident.” That will teach you to almost reject him on night one! Coincidence? I think not!
After the game (I don’t know who won and, frankly, does anyone give two craps?) they must have let the girls go out back and hose off because they all get cleaned up and are now wearing a fine collection of cheap spandex dresses. They will be having a cocktail party at the field.
He steals Nikki away for some alone time and they have a nice conversation. Unfortunately, ABC has decided not to hook us up with subtitles, therefore I can’t understand 90 percent of what Juan Pablo is saying.
After he ditches Nikki, he takes Andi away from the group. They head to the romantic snack bar area, where they proceed to sit on the counter and make out. Ew, please tell me she’s wearing underwear. They head over to the freezer area and make out some more. Nothing like a food storage unit to get your hormones racing, eh?
Next, JP steals Sardine away for some one-on-one time. They have a picnic in the middle of the soccer field and JP decides to lounge casually on the grass, trying his best to look like Fabio on the cover of one of those romance novels your mom reads. He tells her that he likes that she has class, then proceeds to stick his nasty tongue down her throat. It’s here that we find out that Sardine is an epically bad kisser— like Sean Lowe-style bad. Tongues are lulling around everywhere and it’s totally gross.
After the tonsil mauling, Sardine says that she feels really special. Um….this dude went to second base with some other chick over on the hot dog cart about 10 minutes before he made out with you. Just sayin…
Nikki ends up getting the rose, much to Andi and Sardine’s dismay.
The next day at the mansion, JP comes to pick up Chelsie for their one-on-one date. He glances at Elise because she is literally standing in the doorway when he walks in and says hello. After he leaves with Chelsie, Elise is busy telling anyone that will listen (which is basically just the cameraman) how JP totally wanted to stay there with her, and that she could tell that he wanted her bad because of the “eye contact” they made. I just….can’t….
Meanwhile, in the car, JP and Chelsie are cruising down the highway listening to Spanish tunes. JP is singing and Chelsie is doing the trademark awkward head bob.
It turns out that they will be bungee -jumping off a bridge. Seriously, must someone bungee jump or repel down something on every season!? This crap is getting super old.
Since we’ve seen this date play out on about 14 seasons of the show before this, I’ll be quick to sum it up: Chelsie’s scared…Chelsie cries that ‘she doesn’t know if she can do this’…Juan Pablo tries to convince her (and whispers the words ‘contractually obligated’ in her ear)…JP gives her ‘strength’ and she decides to jump…they jump…they hang there and kiss upside down…the end.
The only part of this date worth mentioning is when Chelsie says that if they can survive jumping off a bridge, then they can survive anything. Um…allow me to present Exhibit A. Enough said.
Anyway she gets the rose, they get a private concert (yaaaaawn) and that’s basically it.
The next morning, JP comes to the Mansion bright and early, and is preparing to surprise the gals with a homemade Venezuelan breakfast. However, what he really wants to do is get a glimpse of what these broads actually look like, without all the makeup and hair spray and chicken cutlets stuffed in their bras. Kelly comes downstairs to take her doggie out and sees him there and basically freaks out and runs upstairs to go “put on her face.”
Some of the girls, like Renee, have no problem letting JP see her without makeup. However, she is worried that she didn’t brush her teeth yet. Um, don’t worry, he’s not going to kiss you anyway. He may have you go fetch Cassandra for him though.
After the gals scarf down the breakfast, JP announces that he’d like the girls to get out of their “pajamas” and change into bikinis for a pool party! This party will be in lieu of the cocktail party that’s supposed to happen later that night. The girls all run upstairs to change out of their “pajamas” and head downstairs. They all ogle and coo at JP’s “sexy body.” Everyone is having a great time, frolicking in the water.
Kat, however, is causing some commotion because she (and her vagina) are basically glued to JP’s face. The other girls are furious as Kat sits on JP’s shoulders. Kelly, in particular, is very upset, saying that Juan Pablo’s head “was on Kat’s crotch for like 20 minutes!” JP doesn’t seem to mind. They go off for some alone, which basically just allows the other hens in the house to talk crap on her.
After he gets a little pickle tickle from Kat, he takes Sardine aside. She decides to tell him that it’s all too much for her: the cameras, the girls, the house. She basically says that she’s not one of these bobbing boob bimbos and that she doesn’t really have a place here. He tells her to “be herself” and that he “really likes” her. Then they kiss again…ew ew ew.
Watching JP kiss Sardine is just too much for Clare. She goes into the bathroom, sobbing, and Renee (of course) runs up to comfort her. I’m fairly certain Juan is just keeping Renee around because she helps keep all these crazy broads’ hormones in check.
“Sometimes…it’s hard…not having…it returned,” she sobs about her affection for JP.
Finally, Chris Harrison comes out and puts a stop to this pool party. Thank the baby Jesus. This episode has been just awful. It made me long for the days when Victoria was drunk and threatening to torch the place.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Nikki, Chelsie and Cassandra all have roses, and the other girls are waiting with baited breath to see if they will get to continue on this “journey.” He starts handing out flowers, giving one to Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sardine and Elise. Next, Kat gets one (of course one of these catty broads has to mutter “Oh my God” under her breath as Kat goes to get her rose). Allison (who?!), Clare and Lauren also get roses. The last rose goes to Danielle (who hasn’t uttered a single word this entire season).
That leaves free spirit Lucy and Kristy with a one-way ticket to Forever Aloneville. (Well, maybe just Kristy. We know that Lucy ended up doing OK in the love department!)
Next week we head to South Korea, where there will apparently be ample amounts of Korean catfights among the girls! Until next week!
Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s ‘Bachelor’ episode? Click here!