Hola, fellow Bachelor fans, and welcome to week four of Juan Pablo‘s quest to find true love! Just a warning: based on the previews, this episode is going to be nauseating so I wouldn’t eat a large meal before viewing if I were you.
Anyway, the episode begins with Juan Pablo ditching his daughter, Camila in Los Angeles. Apparently, the train to PoonVille doesn’t come with a child safety seat so she must be left behind while her dad goes overseas.
Chris Harrison comes to the Bachelor Mansion to tell the girls to pack their bags because…they’re heading to Seoul, South Korea! All the girls start shrieking (except for Chelsie, who looks like she’s trying to figure out if Korea is in Africa.) The 13 remaining girls all head upstairs to throw their crap in bags as fast as they can, taking a couple of moments to do a creepy tribal-like dance around the jacuzzi tub. As you do.
“I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare wails. Help me Jesus.
The girls all board the plane and are excitedly chatting about the adventures they’ll have. I feel so darn bad for the poor saps that got stuck on a plane for 12 hours with this motley crew. I’d legit rather spend my flight wedged in the airplane bathroom than listen to these broads gab about their hair the whole flight.
They finally arrive in Korea, where they take to the streets with their arms all linked like they’re the Brady Kids. They head to their hotel suite and read the first date card. There will be one 1-on-1 date and two group dates this week. The first card is for the first group date, which includes Nikki. She’s all bummed out that she’s stuck going on the date with a herd of woman that includes Kat, Danielle the Mute, Cassandra, Elise and Chelsie. The girls’ date card simply reads “POP!” and they are all trying to figure out what they’ll be doing.
“Maybe we’re going to be making gum!” one girl offers. (That had to be Chelsie or Clare!) I just…can’t….
The first group heads to a studio and we learn that this will be some sort of horrible K-Pop-themed date. (See what I said about eating light before watching this crapisode?) Inside the studio, they’ve assembled some Asian stripper-looking women to teach Juan Pablo’s white stripper-looking women how to dance. Kat, being a pro
exotic dancer can’t wait to show off how flexible she is. This, of course, pisses off the other non-flexible, non-pro dancer women.
The Asian strippers are there to teach them a K-Pop dance. Chelsie tells us that this date is basically like her childhood dream come true. Hold up— your childhood dream is to do some creepy Korean hokey-pokey dance while be romanced by a second-rate Ricky Ricardo? Geez, you’re even more pathetic than I am. My childhood dream was to get paid to watch TV. (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!)
Anyway, the Asian strippers tell the white strippers that they’ll be performing for a sea of eager Korean K-Pop fans. Nikki says she wants to crap her pants. Do it…at least that would make this crapfest of an episode a tiny bit interesting.
The girls head to wardrobe where they get all decked out in clothes that look like they came from Xuxa’s garage sale. (Anyone else ‘member Xuxa? God, wasn’t she awful?! That was the first show I ever hate-watched! I’m sure Juan Pablo watched her!)
So anyway, Nikki is still scared to death about performing in front of all those people. What she should be afraid of are Juan Pablo’s skintight red leather emo-boy pants. Now those are scary!
They arrive at the mall full of Koreans with iPhones and they head up on stage. The lights all start flashing and the girls begins to do their Asian robot stripper dance. Kat is busy gyrating her body and will surely be the object of many a young Korean boy’s wet dream later that night.
After the performance is mercifully over, the girls clean up and head to the next part of the date, which is at a garden-like place. JP pulls Kat aside and she’s determined to prove that she’s actually a deep person. (Um, yeah, about as deep as a wading pool.) She tells JP that she moved to Arizona because her dad was a big ol’ drunk. The sad music starts playing and we can tell there’s about to be a Very Special Moment. She says he got about seven DUIs and never paid child support.
Meanwhile, Nikki’s trying to get the other girls to talk crap on Kat. It’s not really working, and Juan Pablo luckily swoops in and takes her away for some alone time. He asks Nikki how she feels about Camila, and of course, Nikki has the perfect “I’m great with kids” PR answer prepared. She also adds that she’s a great diaper-changer. Um…isn’t his kid like four years old? I’m not exactly an expert on child-rearing, obviously, but by four shouldn’t a kid be crapping in a toilet? Just sayin…
Anyway, he ends up giving Nikki the date rose.
The next day is his one-on-one with Sharleen. JP has finally discovered that her name isn’t actually “Sardine” so he’s calling her by her real name. I’m kind of bummed about that. JP says that right now Sharleen is his favorite girl, immediately after Sharleen tells the camera that she’s not really feeling Juan Pablo. Awesome.
They head out on the date, where they go shopping for some Korean clothes and eat some bugs. It’s funny to watch the old Korean ladies in the background give them the stink-eye, Next they head over to a tea house (sans angry Korean women) and start talking about Sharleen’s opera career. She tells Juan Pablo that she has a Bachelor’s degree in music. Wait–hold up!— a ‘Bachelor’ contestant actually has a Bachelor’s degree!? That can’t be right…
Next, Sharleen tells JP that he’s “not bland.” That’s honestly the only nice thing she’s ever said about him. Too bad he has not clue what that means and Sharleen has to basically give him the “Hooked on Phonics” run-down on what ‘bland’ means. They really do give new meaning to the term “awkward couple.”
JP tries to get Sharleen to sing for him, but she says she never sings on a first date. Finally, he convinces her and we have to listen to her screech a few bars of an opera song. Then they start with their disgusting “fish lip” kissing. (You’ll do that with your mouth on a first date, but you won’t sing?! Come on!)
Finally the subject of children comes up. Sharleen tells JP that she once dated a guy with a kid but it didn’t work out because he wasn’t able to pay her all the attention, so now she’s not really cool with the “kid’s menu.” He asks her how many kids she wants and she’s kind of dancing around the question. She’s afraid that if she tells him that she’s not really planning on birthing a screaming ball of baby from her loins during her lifetime that JP will dump her.
She finally tells him, but he doesn’t seem to care. He gives her the rose and then they start making out again. (Perhaps Juan Pablo thinks he can impregnate her via esophagus?)
The next day is the final group date. The girls head to a weird creepy hotel-like building with a child-woman peeking out of the curtains all creepily. It turns out to be a karaoke house. (Groooooan!) All the girls and Juan Pablo cram into a microscopic room and loudly sing Korean songs. No joke, I’d rather be thrown naked into a Turkish prison than be in that room with all of them. That’s legit my nightmare.
Next, they go to a photo booth and then take a ride in some duck-shaped paddle boats. After that, they head to a place called Dr. Fish, where they receive fish pedicures. Basically, a bunch of guppie fish feast on the dead skin on your feet. Que romantico, right?
Clare feels that all these other girls need to get off of her man, so she keeps throwing herself at JP, much to the other girls’ disgust. After their pedicures, the gang heads to a market, where they decide to taste some octopus on a stick. Clare, of course, has to freak out in order to get attention. Kelly legit says the funniest thing we’ve heard on this season so far. (Actually, the only funny thing we’ve heard so far.)
You have to watch this. InTheFace.
Afterwards, they manage to find a hotel pool to hang out by. (Phew!) He takes Renee aside for some alone time and, of course, she rattles on about her kid. It starts to get really embarrassing because, once again, she basically begs him to kiss her and she gets denied. He says he has morals and junk and isn’t going to kiss anyone tonight. After all, he’s already kissed six girls.
Next he takes Andi aside and he makes the poor girl sit on the street in a short dress. He seems to really like her and wants to kiss her, but those pesky morals are preventing Juan Pablo from getting his groove on.
Meanwhile, all of the wallflower girls that no one cares about are talking about how they haven’t kissed JP yet. Lauren seems determined to make tonight “the night,” so during her alone time with JP, she asks him in Spanish to kiss her. It’s really awkward and just plain pathetic. He tells her “Sorry, I can’t because I have a daughter.” Um. Wow. That’s gotta hit you like a sledgehammer to the face, right?!
Lauren’s all broken up about her rejection and starts crying to JP. Of course, the cameramen rush over to get it all on film. JP tries to talk her off the ledge, explaining that he’s not here to kiss everyone. (Re: you)
Later, he takes Clare aside and eventually starts macking on her. He justifies his makeout session by saying he can’t help it because Clare’s sexy. Wow, it’s gotta really suck to be Renee and Lauren right about now!
He ends up giving the date rose to Andi, which makes Clare very upset.
The next night is the rose ceremony, which will take place at an ancient Korean temple. I’m sure the people that built this sacred place hundreds of years ago dreamed that one day it would be used to film a terrible American reality show.
Sharleen, Nikki and Andi already have roses, so they kind of all agree to back off and let some of the other girls have time with JP. Of course, that lasts about two minutes because Nikki’s determined to get more camera time. She sneaks up behind Clare and JP during their alone time and just creepily hovers until Clare leaves. The other girls see Nikki do this and are not pleased.
JP brings up the fact that there may be some problems in the house, and Nikki immediately assumes that it was that bitch Clare that put those ideas in his head. She’s all mad that Clare must have been talking smack on her so later she confronts her about it. Poor Kelly is stuck in the middle of an attention whore sandwich, with Clare on one side of her and Nikki on the other!
Finally, it’s time to hand out the flowers. Juan Pablo says that he feels bad sending anyone home because they are going to have to sit on a plane for 12 hours “feeling reyected.” Let’s not flatter ourselves too much there, Juan Pablo. They might be ‘feeling reyected’ for like 30 minutes or so, but the rest of the time they’ll be sulking that they didn’t get to go on the next free vacation!
Anyway, JP starts distributing roses. He gives one to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle the Mute (I’m kind of surprised there!) and Cassandra. Meanwhile, Lauren looks like she’s about to be shot via firing squad. She’s standing there looking terrified. He then hands roses to Allison (wait…who?!) and Clare. It’s down to only Kat, Lauren and Elise and there’s only one rose left.
Of course it goes to Kat, which sends Elise and Lauren to Forever Aloneville. The soft music starts to play, and Juan Pablo checks out Elise’s ass as she walks away. Classy. Next, he bids farewell to Lauren with a quick hug. I’d bet my last Xuxa action figure that he had no idea what her name even was.
Next week, Juan Pablo and his gang of girls will head to Vietnam for some fun, food and apparently a whole lot of catfighting!
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!