Welcome to Bachelor Land! This week, Juan Pablo and his gang of trollops head to the exotic and mysterious country of Vietnam! The girls are thrilled to continue their Asian journey, and Juan assures us that he’s “keeping his eyes very open.” Not to mention the zipper on his pants.
The girls arrive in Vietnam, and one of the girls (I’m guessing it had to be Chelsie) says that while South Korea was pretty, Vietnam is “nature and stuff.” Well, you can’t argue with that.
The first one-on-one date goes to Renee! Apparently, JP was feeling generous and decided to give her a day off from babysitting all of his immature dates. She’s overjoyed and is actually jumping up and down at the thought of spending the day with him. Renee is determined to get the Pab-ster to finally kiss her, a task he has been avoiding since this “yourney” began.
Juan Pablo meets up with her and says it’s going to be a great day for Renee. Not “It’s going to be a great day for us,” but, “a great day for Renee.” Geez, Juan Pablo, I’m surprised you could get that big ol’ head of yours through airport customs. They should have charged you an oversized head fee!
They walk around town, and JP ends up putting Renee in a pedi-cab and pushing her around town. He hilariously tries to recite the facts about Vietnam that the producers are undoubtedly feeding him from the sidelines but he is just slaughtering the Vietnamese words.
Next they head to a dress shop, where Juan Pablo is acting all proud of himself because he said that “he” is having a Vietnamese dress “tayor” made for Renee. The poor dressmaker goes to measure Renee for the dress but can barely get the measuring tape around her sweaty bust. She’s sweating something awful, so JP dashes across the street to go fetch a fan for her. I’m sure he’ll make Renee fan his favorite, Cassandra, with it when they all get back to the hotel.
After the dress measurements have been taken, JP suggests they go buy some cheap crap for their kids. Renee is overjoyed when he buys her son a stupid hat. Like, she’s seriously ready to drop her panties and take him right there on the fruit vendor’s porch. Later that night, they go to pick up Renee’s dress and she comes out looking…well…like a hostess at a Chinese food restaurant. Juan Pablo looks like he doesn’t know if he’s supposed to swoon or order miso soup from her.
He decides to swoon, spinning her around and telling us, “She looks good on those dress.” Yessss.
They go to a restaurant, where there’s a table set for them on the balcony. Renee starts talking about her kid and her failed marriage, but for some reason that seems to be turning JP on. He doesn’t even seem to mind that Renee is basically just a ball of sweat at this point because he gives her the rose. She says that she’s so happy with the rose that she doesn’t even care if she gets a kiss.
JP tells the camera that today is a “Morality Day,” so he won’t be kissing her because he doesn’t want her son thinking she’s a ho-bag, apparently. Don’t worry about it, Juan. Her kid is probably already the laughing stock of the third grade just because she went on this show, so you may as well slobber all over her like you do the other girls.
The next day is the group date. All of the girls meet up with JP at some sort of mildew-filled river and he tells them that they will be taking these weird saucer-like boats out for a spin. He tells them to pair up and, of course, Clare is left without a partner so she chooses JP. Andi looks like she wants to take the big wooden paddle she was given and smack Clare up-side the head with it. DoItDoItDoIt…
They all paddle out and within the first five minutes, Juan Pablo is already trying to get his paddle into Clare’s river…if you know what I mean. They are making out in the mosquito-filled brush while the other girls just gawk in disbelief. Andi says this makes her wonder where her “relationship” with JP stands. Um…yeah, when the guy you’re ‘dating’ is basically swallowing another girl’s face right in front of you, it’s probably safe to say your ‘relationship’ is on the rocks.
She says she doesn’t even know why she’s here anymore. Um…for the free vacations. Duh!
Next, the clan heads to a village, where they gawk at poor Vietnamese people who actually have to work. JP asks a random “local” where they can get something to eat and he “randomly” invites them all to his house. What a coincidence! They just happen to have the exact number of triangle hats they need to accommodate the group. It’s a miracle!
They all head out to the fields to plow hos. (Well, JP should be used to that!) The girls are all giggling and talking about how much fun it is to “work” in the rice fields. Um, yeah, tell that to the poor Vietnamese man next to you who probably makes 50 cents for 12 hours of back-breaking labor. I’m sure he’s having a blast.
Afterwards, they get to eat the fruits of their “labor” at a large dinner table. Danielle the Mute is busy scarfing down as much free food as she can get her hands on, because she knows her days are limited.
Next, they head to a hotel pool (of course) and he immediately pulls Clare aside. Apparently, he didn’t get enough loving in the saucer boat so he takes her away again. Of course, this does not sit well with the other girls.
Clare and JP head down to the beach and JP tells her that he wants a ‘mature woman’ who will be a good stepmom to Camilia, before proceeding to maul her face with his lips. Then he asks her to come to his hotel suite and go for a dip in the pool. (He’s hoping to go for a dip in Clare’s pool also.) Um…apparently JP has forgotten about the other eight or so women that are sitting there twiddling their thumbs waiting on him to diddle Clare.
Seriously, this guy is an even bigger sleaze that I originally thought. I’m shocked that the other women stood for that. I would have pulled a Victoria and threatened to burn the place down. They would totally throw me off the show…or I’d totally throw Juan Pablo off a cliff, whichever came first.
When JP and Clare finally return, he pulls Sharleen aside. Seriously, why doesn’t he just let the other girls go home (or go get some cheap pedicures?) It’s obvious there are only about four women he’s actually interested in. The “also-rans” are basically just background objects at this point. He ends up giving the date rose to Clare because, “she’s been doing things I like.” Um, yeah, giving you handies under the table!
That night, all the girls head back to their hotel room to get some sleep. Clare, however, is still determined to finish that “pickle tickle” she and JP started in the boat, so she sneaks out and heads over to his place. She asks him if he would like to “do one more first while in Vietnam.” JP gets the drift and they change into their bathing suits and head out into the ocean. We see Clare with her legs wrapped around JP in the water, while they kiss passionately. Where’s an underwater camera when you need one?!
We don’t really know what happened under there, but something most certainly did because Clare can’t wait to tell us all about how she “felt pure bliss” and how they “just went for it.” Um….UM!? After she tells us all about her “wobbly legs” after the encounter at sea, it’s clear they basically boned. I just…can’t….
This is basically what all of America was thinking during this scene.
The next day, JP is busy scrubbing the syphilis off his junk in preparation for his one-on-one date with Nikki. She’s sporting her best hipster headband for the occasion, but it can’t cover up her hideous attempt at making a fishtail bread. He tells Nikki that they will be crawling down into a cave called Hell for their date.
Now hold up: Renee gets a dress, Clare gets an orgasm and Nikki gets to crawl into a dirty cave? WTF?
Nikki is worried about the whole rappelling-down-a-cliff-in-a-third-world-country thing. I mean, what could go wrong? She eventually does go into the cave and they continue to make terrible puns about being in Hell. Nikki says she can “see the light” and that “Being in Hell with JP is really like heaven.” I feel my stomach churning…
After they crawl out of the cave, they head to a temple and, as per usual, JP can’t keep his paws off Nikki. They start talking about Nikki’s job as a pediatric nurse. (Juan keeps calling her a “pedadic nurse”) and eventually JP just gives up and shoves his tongue down Nikki’s throat to get her to stop talking. Ah, romance.
Nikki says she’s on Cloud 9. Better than Clare, who’s on Plan B.
The next day, all the gals sail in on a boat for the rose ceremony. Clare says she’s ready to “open herself up” to JP. Um…good God woman, what’s left to open up?! You basically took care of that in the ocean. JP is having a hard time, knowing he has to send three “peoples” home that night. To start off the night’s festivities, Clare makes a toast about being loved and making love.” She’s just dying to tell the other girls that she boned JP.
While the other rejects are talking about how they are worried about being eliminated, JP pulls Clare aside to talk about their sexcapades the night before. He tells her that it wasn’t fair to screw her when there are 10 other girls here. (Um…) Clare says she could give two craps about being fair. He then says that he doesn’t want his daughter to see what they did. She starts to cry from embarrassment, wailing that she “just wanted to go swim in the ocean!” She feels bad that she disrespected Camilia. UM– it’s not your daughter, JP should be the one apologizing.
He tells her, “I don’t want you to cry because of me.” Yeah, save it for when you have to go to the abortion clinic.
They walk back after the shaming and the other girls immediately notice the tension between them. She continues to cry but blames it on her allergies. After a bunch more crying, it’s finally time for the stupid rose ceremony. Clare, Renee and Nikki all have roses so they aren’t worried but the other girls are shaking in their Forever 21 high heels.
He gives roses to Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie and Kat. There’s only one rose left and all of the remaining four girls look panicked. He gives the final rose to Andi, sending home Kelly, Danielle the Mute and Alli (WHO!?)
JP does his best to squeeze out a few tears to pretend like he actually cared about any of the three women he sent home. He keeps blubbering away. He does know he’s not going to win an Emmy for this episode, right?
Next week, they gang will head to New Zealand, where Sharleen will finally have enough of Juan’s crap, and Clare will still be feeling bad for being such a hoebag!
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(Photos: ABC, Instagram)