Howdy, and welcome to another episode of Teen Mom 2! Before she dives back into the Land ‘o’ Bad Decisions, The Ashley would like to apologize for not supplying a recap of last week’s episode. She realizes that many of you are located overseas and rely on these recaps to get your weekly fill of Babs and the gang, so she is truly sorry.
Anyway, let’s jump right into this new episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’
We kick things off with Jenelle, who is still smitten with the Nathan, the part-time-model-full-time-fame-whore. Last time we checked in with these crazy kids, Jenelle had agreed to move into Nate’s place after dating him only a few weeks.
She tells us that since then, they’ve decide not to do that. Wait–what?! Jenelle’s not going to move in with a guy way too soon and is actually using her head for once?
Of course not, sillys! Don’t be ridiculous! The only reason she’s not moving into Nate’s place is because they’ve decided to move into a whole new house of their own. Sigh.
Jenelle decides it’s time to tell her mother and son, Jace, of her brilliant plan. As per usual, our fearless leader Barbara has no clue what her “bitch of a daughta” is about to spring on her. She brings “the baby” to a diner to meet up with Jenelle and Nathan. Babs has dressed to the nines for the occasion: she’s sporting a flirty lil’ polka dotted number that’s sure to make her boooooyfriend, Mike, drool. (To be fair, he probably does that just naturally, but I digress….)
While Jace is busy ordering everything on the menu (hey, why not? MTV is totally footing the bill for this meal so why not get the deluxe Moon Over My Hammy? That Jace is a smart kid!) Babs gets right down to business, trying to find out how many months Jenelle will be in the “slamma” for her heroin charge. Jenelle tells her that if she pleads guilty to one of the lesser charges, she will only get 12-18 months of probation. “Oh my gawd!” Babs gasps. “It’s only a year!” Jenelle argues. “I did it before.” (And so well, might I add!)
The best part of the episode comes next when, after Jenelle informs her mom that she plans to shack up with Underwear Boy, Jace just asks her “Why?” point blank. When even a three-year-old is questioning your plan, you should probably stop and think about it for a second. Babs, however, doesn’t even look surprised. By now, Jenelle moving in with her new boo after a week or so is basically just business as usual for Barbara.
Barb does want to know when the heck she’ll be able to see Jace if she’s playing house with Nate all the way in Myrtle Beach. Jenelle insists that she can “like, take him on the weekends….and stuff” but Babs doesn’t seem so sure.
Next, we check in with Kail, who is still awaiting approval from court to move Isaac to Delaware. She’s having a hard time living apart from Javi and is trying to plan a wedding, find a house and be pregnant. Javi’s trying to help by looking for houses in Delaware that may work for them because he’s tired of living in a hotel all week. (Hey, it’s beats living behind a hotel, like Jenelle’s old beau, Kieffer, probably does!)
They find one that seems big enough to fit their growing broad, but Kail’s worried that Jealous Jo won’t agree to let her move and they’ll be stuck with two houses.
Over in South Dakota, it’s Chelsea‘s birthday. To celebrate, she’s about to ruin her poor mother, South Dee-ko-tah Mary‘s complexion by trying some creepy skin procedure on her. (“Thanks for giving birth to me, mom! In honor of this day, let me scald your face with weird beauty products!”) She arrives at the school and the receptionist (who is desperately trying to make her Miley Cyrus bowl cut work) calls Chelsea to the front.
Her trusty pal Megan is also making over her mother so both moms sit down and the girls go to work, spraying them to that perfect shade of South Dakota Orange. Here’s what we’ve learned from this scene: most of the girls in South Dakota look like Chelsea and most of their moms look like Mary. Literally, Chelsea’s and Megan’s moms look identical.
After Chelsea finishes buttering her mom’s face with makeup, Mary does her best to pretend she loves her new look. “Oh my goodness, ya did a great job, don’t ya know!” she exclaims. Even Chelsea’s teacher, Karma (Yesss!) approves of Chelsea’s work. Meanwhile, poor Megan’s mom is so orange that it looks like she bathed in Snooki’s old bathwater.
To reward the girls’ hard work, the moms take them out to lunch. Unfortunately,
t he producers Mary only want to get Chelsea to talk about Adam, which pisses Chelsea off. She threatens to leave if Mary doesn’t drop the subject of Adam and it gets awkward.
Meanwhile, Adam and his next baby momma, Taylor, go out to eat and discuss that she’s due to give birth in only two days. Adam (who is literally losing hair by the episode–hey, having two illegitimate children can be stressful!) brings up the fact that he signed up to be a “parent teacher thinger” at Aubree’s school. (“All right kids, line up! I’m about to teach you all about the wonderful world of plea bargains!” Good Lord.)
Taylor says that she’d like to attend Aubree’s school functions too, but Adam says that Chelsea’s too selfish to allow that to happen. He’s still harping on the fact that he’s planning to file for custody. (Anyone else wish he’d just do it already so we could stop having to hear him yak about it? I mean, I know it’s going to be difficult for Adam to have to read and write while filling out the paperwork, but surely someone can assist him with that, right?)
Finally, we check in with Leah, who is home with baby Addy while Jeremy is working and the twins are with Corey. Her mother, Dawn, comes over to keep Leah company. Leah’s upset that she and Jeremy will probably have to move because of Ali’s recent diagnosis. It becomes emotional when they discuss Ali having to go into a wheelchair and the scene ends on a sad note.
Back with Kail, she and Javi and Isaac are going to check out the house Javi found for them. Isaac seems thrilled with all of the toys he sees in the backyard, including a trampoline. Kail agrees to put an offer in on the house without even seeing the inside. They take a selfie and are on their way.
The next day, Isaac goes over to Jo’s place, which gives Kail a chance to do some wedding planning with her pal Peach. (Apparently Lemon and Mango couldn’t make it.) Kail says that despite the fact that she and Javi are legally married, she still wants to have a big wedding.
In West Virginia, the Simms twins are literally jumping off the walls of Corey’s house. They also have a trampoline but it’s in the house. In the house! I wasn’t even allowed to bounce a bouncy ball in the house, let alone literally bounce off the walls.
Corey tells his hottie wife Miranda what happened at Ali’s last doctor’s appointment, and says that he would fight Leah if she wanted to put Ali through more testing. Corey appears to be in denial about his daughter’s diagnosis, and seems really determined to make her a softball star for some reason. He keeps mentioning that she’ll be able to play softball and his wife just gives him the saddest look. She’s honestly just the best– so supportive and she looks like a pre-Weight Watchers Jessica Simpson. What more could a country boy want?
Next we check back in with Jenelle and Nathan, who are marveling at the fact that even though they’ve been together a few weeks, they still like each other. (No one has even gotten arrested or anything–yet!) They quickly find a house to move into and call up the trusty U-Haul to come bring their crap there. (Seriously, these girls keep U-Haul in business! Whenever Jenelle gets a new boyfriend, it’s always a good idea to invest in U-Haul stock!)
They go fetch some stuff out of storage, including a stained mattress (Hopefully Courtland/Kieffer didn’t crap the bed in a drug-induced slumber!) and a couch they most likely got ’round back of a Wal-Mart. Someone remind Babs to bring a dropcloth to sit on so she doesn’t mess up her stylish polka dotted dress.
Babs and Jace head out to see Jenelle’s new digs. I’m kind of bummed that she doesn’t start the visit with her trademark, “Knock, knock! It’s ya motha!” but maybe she’s retired that phrase? She’s quite impressed that Jenelle and Nathan were able to get such a nice house, and Jace just looks over the whole thing before he even walks through the door. This is like the fifth “new house” his mom has gotten in two years, so he knows the drill.
Knowing that Jenelle will likely be kicked out/evicted/thrown out in a drunken fight within a few months, Jace refuses to let Babs bring any of his new toys over there. They go out to the garage to see the “wolf daawgs,” which Babs insists should be named “Rin” and “Tin.” “Don’t ya know, Rin Tin Tin, the dawg?!” Bab cackles, all while Jenelle and Jace stare at her blankly. Aww, Babs, I couldn’t love ya more!
The next day, Babs and Jace come back to Jenelle’s house and Babs is suited up in another hot lil’ number. There must have been a dress sale over at the Ross Dress For Less! Babs is ready to talk about letting Jenelle keep Jace overnight, now that she’s got a nice house and “not smokin’ the weeeed and gettin’ all screwed up and passin’ out.” Aww, it’s nice to achieve great things in life, isn’t it? Nathan and Babs discuss how Jenelle just fell in with the wrong crowd and went down a “dawwwk” road, all while acting like Jenelle’s not sitting two feet away from them. They keep referring to Jenelle in the third person, while Jenelle pretends to play with Jace and not listen. It’s really weird.
Nathan is obviously an authority on “the drugs.” He says that Jenelle is lucky she didn’t end up having her arm or leg amputated. Um….? Yes, I suppose she should consider herself lucky to still be fully limbed, but I’m not really sure what that has to do with her gettin’ “HIGH! HIGH!”
Anyway, we next hop back over to Chelsea’s house. It’s Aubree’s first day of preschool and Chelsea’s literally about to lose it. She’s upset that South Dakota hasn’t declared her birthday a national holiday and cancelled preschool and skin school, but, hey, maybe next year.
Later that day, Chelsea texts Adam to see if he would like to come with her to pick Aubree up from preschool. He puts the Coors Lite (and Rogain) bottles down long enough to actually go, and arrives in his brand-new Corvette. (Aww, it’s so nice to see these kids spending their MTV money wisely…) Chelsea acts like she hates him, but it’s obvious to everyone that she totally wants to jump his bones behind the jungle gym. Even the Jenelle’s wolf dogs are smart enough to know that!
Aubree is thrilled to see that Adam came to her school, and Chelsea looks traumatized that Aubree ran to Adam instead of her. He tries to get Aubree to revolt against her mom’s birthday plans, but Chelsea’s not having it. She takes Aubree over to her mom’s house, and sits down and complains about how old she is.
Back in West Virginia, Aleeah is traumatizing the local feral cats while Leah is looking for a new house for her and her family to move into. She calls Jeremy to discuss their options, and decide to go look at a farm that might be better Ali. Later, her stepdad Lee comes over and Leah shows him the house she’s considering, but he advises her to think about the fact that she’ll be left with “three youngins” alone and 40 minutes away from her parents if she moves there. Think of the youngins, Leah!
Later, she goes to meet up with Corey to pick up the twins and discuss her move. Corey’s not thrilled about how far Leah’s planning to move and asks “What about the school…and stuff?” Corey doesn’t think that Ali needs to go to school earlier than her sister, but Leah insists that it’s for the best.
He says he feels that Ali will have no problem “drawing her name” eventually, and Leah says that he’s in denial about Ali’s diagnosis. It’s obvious that all this talking about learnin’ and what not is starting to hurt Corey’s head so we stop the scene there.
Next week, Chelsea goes to California, Kail goes to court, Leah goes to say goodbye to her best friend and Jenelle goes off the complete freaking deep end and decides that it’s time to crap out another kid. W…T…F…