This week on The Bachelor, Juan Pablo and his gang of loose ladies are heading back to The States! They are bringing their drama (and questionable morals) to Juan Pablo’s hometown of Miami, Florida! Ay yi yi!
Anyone else wishing that they would have used this as the theme song for this week’s episode? No…just me? That’s what I thought.
Anyway, JP hasn’t seen his kid for about three weeks so he beelines it over to her place to go show the viewers how great a father he is. Meanwhile, all of the girls are settling into their luxury Miami hotel suite, where they get their mitts on a box of free bikinis that are not-so-subtly product-placed in their living room.
JP arrives at the girls’ suite after his required 20 minutes of Daddy time, and is met with giggles and smiles from all the girls. All of the girls, except Sharleen, of course. Instead, she is just sitting there doing her best to swallow her hate for all of these people for at least one more week.
Despite her less-than-friendly demeanor, JP decides to give her the first one-on-one date card. Her reaction to it is priceless– she looks at the card with disgust and literally holds it like it was Clare‘s old IUD. Classic Sharleen.
She tells us that she’s missing a “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo. So, in other words, she’s tired of pretending to like this habanero half-wit and is basically telling producers she isn’t going to be able to tolerate JP’s stupid “yokes” much longer.
After Sharleen and JP leave for their date, the other chicks all gather on the balcony to
take in the beauty of Miami talk crap on Sharleen.
For their date, Sharleen has gotten herself all dolled up in some sort of polygamy woman birthing gown. Seriously, it looks more appropriate for a Sister Wives square dance than a ‘Bachelor’ date. JP takes Sharleen to “his” yacht and, within minutes, he’s getting all “handsy,” much to Sharleen’s dismay. Sharleen appears to be super-uncomfortable and tries to have a decent conversation with Juan. Unfortunately, he runs out of “producer-approved” things to talk about pretty quickly, so he resorts to just mauling poor Sharleen with his nasty tongue when there’s a lull in the conversation.
It’s so obvious that Sharleen can’t stand Juan Pablo, yet she continues to make out with him. There are lips, tongues and spit flying everywhere, in addition to Sharleen’s awesome hate vibes.
They dock on an island and JP immediately goes in for the kiss in order to avoid talking to her. They begin to discuss Sharleen’s opera career and she mentions that she’d be willing to give it up for the right guy. Um…please tell me you’re not considering giving up your hard-earned career to become Mamacita to the village idiot? Come on girl, don’t let the yacht and sunsets make you want to drink the Kool-Aid!
Still, Sharleen says she’s worried about how she’ll explain why she brought this yutz back to meet her friends and family if she’s chosen for a Hometown Date. She then starts blatantly making fun of JP right to his face, which is awesome. She legit tells him that she wishes she were stupid because then she’d be able to date him. THIS. IS. AWESOME.
After the date, Sharleen seeks out the advice of Renee, and mentions that she’s considering going home. Renee, who is still trying to get in JP’s pants, actually tries to get her to stay. (This is most likely because they are basically the only two people left in the crowd that have an IQ over 50.)
The next day is JP’s one-on-one with Nikki. She meets him at a park and, of course, says she’s “absolutely falling in love” with our hero. He surprises her when he tells her that she’ll be his date for his daughter’s dance recital. Oh good Lord. Can’t a little girl get her tap dance on without her famewhore of a father bringing a full camera crew and his blond-bimbo-flava-of-the-week to watch?
Nikki is nervous because she’s not only going to meet Camila, but also members of JP’s family including his baby-momma, Carla. After getting some flowers, they head to the dance studio and make it just in time to see the little girls come out. They start singing and dancing (all while Camila’s mom is totally ‘Mean Girl Momming’ through the routine). Camila is awesomely giving Nikki the side eye during her shuffle-ball-changes.
Afterwards, they chat with Camila and the fam. Juan Pablo soon ditches the kid so that he can go mack on Nikki at the Marlins’ baseball stadium. He says it’s “his office” and they have a game of catch right in the center of the deserted field. (Nikki’s barely there swapmeet skirt is, of course, the perfect attire for this sporty date.)
Back at the hotel, Sharleen is freaking out and has decided that she needs to finally blow this joint. She gathers all of the remaining girls in the living room and informs them that, while JP is awesome, she’s just not feeling it and doesn’t want to take up a notch on JP’s bedpost that one of them could have. She’s honorably removing herself from the competition, and Clare looks like she’s about to throw her panties in the air out of happiness. She realizes Sharleen was her biggest competition in hooking JP, so she’s thrilled with this news.
Later that night, Sharleen heads up to JP’s hotel room to inform him of her decision to hit the bricks. He opens the door and sees Shar standing there and the look on his face is just priceless. You can totally tell he thought Sharleen was there to get her lil’ “swim in the ocean.” Alas, this is not the case. She sits down and explains to him that she must leave and that he shouldn’t feel bad because “it’s not you, it’s me.” Well…actually, it is kind of him.
JP doesn’t exactly seem surprised. Even he had to know that this chick was six levels above him in intelligence and at least three in class. The Ashley is sad to see Sharleen go, and will certainly miss hearing JP mistakenly call her “Sardine.”
The next day, JP has recovered from Shar’s departure and must prepare for his group date with Renee, Andi, Clare and Chelsie. (Anyone else forget this chick was still on the show?) He takes the girls on a private plane ride over to an island, and Chelsie somehow manages to pull JP out from in between Clare’s thighs long enough to have some alone time with him. She’s doing her best to make the most of her private time with him, and start yakking about her parents.
She keeps blabbering on and at some point JP’s eyes just kind of glaze over and you can totally tell he’s picturing Cassandra’s butt in a spandex dress to pass the time.
Next, he takes Andi aside and finds that she’s one glass of champagne away from a mental breakdown. She’s talking about how she “feels vulnerable” and it’s so obvious that JP isn’t even listening to her. He just keeps repeating everything she says in hopes that it sounds like he’s paying attention.
He then takes Clare aside and decides to bring up her dead father. As you do. (Surely some producer thought it would make for some good TV to get Clare sobbing about her dead dad.) He says he wishes he could have met her father, which is just creepy and awkward. He immediately follows up this father talk by giving Clare “besitos” which I think is Spanish for chlamydia.
He ends up giving Andi the rose, which pisses all the other girls off. Clare, in particular, is angry, and even says she “just doesn’t get it.” Um…why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free, honey?
Since Andi got the rose, the other three rejects have to leave so she can continue with her date with JP. She changes into a microscopic dress and they head to some club where some dude is singing in Spanish. Of course, JP has to immediately pull Andi up to the stage so they can dance awkwardly in front of everyone. And when I say awkward, boy do I mean it! Andi’s stiffer than JP’s bulge after a date with Clare. She is possibly the worst dancer ever, which is just awesome.
While Andi’s busy tearing up the dance floor, the other girls head back to the hotel suite and decide to talk crap on her. Nikki, however, isn’t having it and refuses to take part in the bashing of her friend. She makes a snide remark at Clare and goes upstairs. But Clare’s like “Oh nooo this bi-otch did not” and marches upstairs to tell her off.
Somewhere in the night, you can hear the soft sounds of a “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” chant happening.
The women start bickering, and Nikki calls Clare fake. Clare calls Nikki fake and tells her not to cut her off anymore. Nikki proceeds to try to kick Clare out of her room. (Not literally though, unfortunately.) Clare isn’t having it and starts arguing third-grade-style. She says “It’s a free space” and that she can stay if she wants because Nikki didn’t pay for it. They are going back and forth with a “Is too, is not, is too, is not” pattern and it’s just mind-boggling that two professional women could stoop this low.
And…why aren’t they pulling each other’s extensions out already?! Come on!
The next night is the rose ceremony and everyone but Andi, who already has a rose, is nervous. JP tells the girls that he’s really excited to “go to der hometowns.” As JP pulls each girl aside for some alone time, Nikki and Clare find themselves with only Chelsie separating them. Naturally, a producer tells Chelsie to fake a diarrhea attack so that she can go to the bathroom and leave these two rivals alone. It gets all awkward until Andi comes to “join the party.”
As soon as Juan Pablo walks over, though, everyone is acting like sorority sisters and smiling and giggling up a storm. Oh, gag. Can we please give out these freaking flowers so this horrible crapisode will end?!
Chris Harrison finally comes in and informs JP that it’s time to stick a fork in this loaf of awfulness. The girls all line up to learn their fates. The first rose goes to Nikki and Clare looks like she’d like to light her on fire. The next rose goes to Clare and it’s down to only Renee and Chelsie. He gives the last rose to Renee, which sends Chelsie home brokenhearted.
JP does his best to pretend he’s not just a big useless lump of sleaze and semen by acting like he is having a hard time letting Chelsie go. After a moment of talking about how “hard” it all is (pun intended!) he puts Chelsie into the limo of shame and sheds a hefty helping of fake tears. He tells the cameras that he “can no be happy right now” and goes to blubber on the balcony, a la Jason Mesnick.
Next week’s episode is going to be good. (And by “good” I mean really, really bad.) In a two episode event, JP will fail miserably in the Fantasy Suites. (Big shocker there, right?) He will also get to meet the families of the remaining four women.