Howdy kids! It’s time to slip on your cowboy boots and jack your hair up to Jesus for another episode of Private Lives of Nashville Wives! Last week was the show’s premiere episode and The Ashley has to admit she really liked it, despite the fact that she has hated every reality show that contains the word “Wives” in the title thus far.
We start the episode off with Erika proudly showing off her uber-clean house and acknowledging the fact that she’s the least interesting person on this show. She’s trying to convince her friend, Cassie, that it’s a good idea to organize your lingerie by holiday/season. She has individual drawers for her Christmas outfits, her bunny ears (because, you know, who doesn’t wear bunny ears when they are having sexy time) and Fourth of July accessories.
This tells us that 1) Erika has way too much time on her hands 2) She will collect all of the leftover party decorations if you invite her to a holiday party.
The thought of Bryan getting freaky while wearing a matching Uncle Sam costume will stay with me forever.
Anyway, Cassie reveals that she’s not a gold digger; in fact, when she her husband Gary he was flat ass broke after making a bad real estate decision. He barely had enough money to pay for his buffalo wings at the Hooters he picked her up at, and she still started dating him.
Gary’s still trying to dig himself out of the hole, so he had to get <GASP!> a normal 9-to-5 job. Like one you actually have to accrue vacation hours and clock in and out! The horror! Erika says she knows people that have normal 9-to-5 jobs. She legit said that.
Cassie heads home, where the birth mother of the baby that she and Gary are adopting has come to visit. The birth mother, Chelsea, has 10 days to decide if she is going to go through with the adoption and everyone is on pins and needles. Chelsea has agreed to pump some breast milk for Baby Eva Rose and, seriously, this girl’s producing more milk than a cow. She brings in a huge sack full of breast milk (She’s like Lactose Santa Claus!)
Cassie and Gary have decided to have an open adoption, which means that Chelsea will be able to hang out with her daughter as she grows up. After letting Chelsea hold the baby for a few minutes, Cassie gives her the, “Well…it’s a shame you have to go…” and looks ready to pry the baby out of Chelsea’s arms. Cassie is scared that Chelsea will change her mind and decide to take Eva Rose back.
After she kicks Chelsea out, Cassie tells us that she’s planning to have a “Sit and See” for the baby on the day that she officially becomes theirs. Although it sounds like some overpriced Fisher-Price toy, it’s actually a get-together where rich women come over to coo at some other rich lady’s new baby and drink champagne.
Meanwhile, Erika’s husband is taking her boys with him to a gig, so Erika’s trying to hurry them all out of the house so she can have her girl time with her friends. After she’s placed everything in labeled Zip-Lock baggies, she sends the kids on their way. The kids look relieved that their mom didn’t plastic baggie them before putting them into the backseat of Bryan’s car.
Over at the recording studio, Sarah and her band are hanging out and discussing their next gig, which is in Virginia. They hop in the van and drive over to the Sidewinders Steakhouse, where they’ll be playing that night. The people at Sidewinders aren’t exactly rolling out the red carpet for Sarah & Co. They did however, write her name on the dry erase board by the front door. You know you’ve got a long way to go when you get second billing to a venue’s all new salad bar.
They go to work setting up all of their equipment (being careful not to block the infamous salad bar, of course). Sarah tells her band that this is only temporary and someday they will be playing stadiums and she’ll be showing her “midrift.” A girl can dream, I guess.
Meanwhile, Erika is preparing for a big girl’s night out with all of the other Nashville Wives. Cassie arrives and they both coo about how cute the other looks. (Save it for the Sip and See, ladies!) They keep adding makeup to their faces and making their hair bigger before finally piling into a limo to go pick up the other girls. They pick up Jenny first (she’s sporting a fancy “I Bring The Bacon” ball cap to cover up her extension-less head).
Erika is busy complaining about how ugly, thin-haired and fat she is and Jenny has basically heard enough of her whining. She tells her to can it, because she wouldn’t have been on a soap opera if she was the hideous troll that she pretends to be. Erika, of course, is a bit offended by Jenny’s words but she tries to put on a good face and not ruin the fun of girls night.
Next, they pick up twins Ana and Betty, who are reading to par-tay! They are less-than-thrilled to find out that Erika has planned their night out at a honky-tonk bar. The girls all head over to the Swingin’ Door, which basically contains one drunk guy on a barstool, two white-haired old men and a guy wearing a backwards baseball cap and a Barney-colored T-shirt. Ana’s face when she walks in is priceless. She’s like “Guuuurl. No.”
The girls are not happy with Erika’s venue choice. (“But it got three stars on YELP!?”) They are all teasing her about how lame the bar is and Jenny decides they all need to get liquored up on moonshine. Erika, however, decides to get craaaazy and order herself a white wine. Perhaps that mixes with her Metamucil better?
Just then, a cat-like woman named Tina Brady arrives (she just “happens” to be at the bar that they are filming…) Apparently, she’s a legend in Nashville (not to mention at all of the Tennessee plastic surgeons’ offices.) She sits down to chat with the ladies. Cassie then decides to give Erika a gift for when Bryan comes home. She whips out a barmaid outfit and Erika gives us a sample of the sounds that will be coming out of her when she puts that outfit on.
“OH! OH! I love it! Ooooooh!” she squeals. (Again, the image of Bryan in the Uncle Sam costume continues to haunt me.)
Soon, they start doing shots and Erika’s freaking out. (“Can’t they just put my wine in a tiny glass?”) The one glass of wine must have got her all wild, because she suggests that they all karaoke. The other ladies aren’t feeling it and Ana decides to save the day by fetching some hula hoops to get the party started. She’s moving her hips all over the place, which catches the attention of several gentlemen callers in the bar. Meanwhile, Erika’s not enjoying the other girls’ idea of a party. She’s sitting there on her phone (probably checking her Pinterest for new things to do with Ziplocks) while the other girls are having fun.
She finally gets up but refuses to do any more shots. She also refuses to dance with the local cowpoke that keep asking her. Ana proclaims that Erika is a party pooper, so she sneaks away with Erika’s beer maiden costume. She emerges from the bathroom wearing it and Erika is not havin’ it at all. She is shooting dagger looks at Ana, who’s prancing around in the costume.
Erika is just standing there fuming until Ana eventually takes off the outfit. It’s the end of an unsuccessful girls night out.
Back at the Virginia bar, things aren’t exactly going well. Let’s just say that there are more people at Erika’s deserted honky tonk than are at Sidewinder’s listening to Sarah. They are met with a deafening silence after each song, and Sarah’s upset that no one wants to hear her original music. The people in the bar seem to just want to eat their ribs (and salad bar offerings!) in peace.
The band just decides to play whatever the hell they want, since no one is listening anyway. The only person that’s enjoying the set is some dude with a dirty T-shirt with no sleeves, who probably thinks she’s Carrie Underwood because he’s so drunk.
The next day is the Sip and See, so Cassie is getting all gussied up. It’s also the last day that Chelsea can take back the baby, so Cassie’s on edge. All of the Wives head over to Sip and See and it seems that all of the drama from girls’ night has been forgotten. Cassie has to wait until 2:30 until the baby is officially theirs.
(Um…not trying to be a Debbie Downer here but…shouldn’t you have waited until the baby was yours to have napkins embossed with the baby’s name? That could make for a very awkward party should Chelsea take the baby back.)
The women folk have all brought presents for the baby, and Cassie opens them up while waiting for the clock to strike 2:30. All of a sudden, the phone rings. DunDunDun. All the women hold their breath but soon realize that it’s not the phone ringing, it’s actually Gary’s phone alarm going off indicating that the baby is officially theirs. The gang all celebrates the joyous occasion.
The next day, Ana comes over to Jenny’s treehouse to talk crap on Erika’s poor attempt at having a girl’s night. They decide that Erika is a “fun sponge” because she sucks all the enjoyment out of everything. They contemplate telling Erika how dull she is, but they’re scared that she won’t take it well.
Next week, Jenny’s trying her best not to get pregnant again, while Sarah’s trying to decide if she should ditch her husband.
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode, click here!