‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 7 Recap: Bratty Bridesmaids & Baby Sisters

"She already has more hair than you do, Daddy!"
“She already has more hair than you do, Daddy!”

After a week long hiatus, The Ashley has stepped back into RecapLand. As much as The Ashley loves writing Teen Mom 2 recaps, they do take a very long time to do and sometimes The Ashley gets behind. Hence why there was no recap last week.

Anyway, we have a brand spankin’, Barb-filled episode to get through so let’s get started! We kick things off with Kail, who is happy to have her court-a-thon with Jo resolved. She’s living in Delaware now, but has trekked back to Pennsylvania to do some wedding planning with her bridesmaids, which include two of Javi‘s relatives. Unfortunately, they have become giant pains-in-the-asses about the whole thing and don’t really give a crap about doing anything for the wedding.

"I ain't tryin' to wear no purple dress!"
“I ain’t tryin’ to wear no purple dress!”

Kail mentions that she regrets including one of them in the festivities, but doesn’t want to specify who she’s talking about because of that pesky MTV camera hooked to her windshield. It might make for a slightly awkward Easter dinner if your sister-in-law watched you bag on her in front of millions of people.

They head to the local “Foccacheria” (I’m sorry but what the hell is that? It sounds like something you could contract by having sex with Kieffer!) They meet up with the two girls they were just talking crap on, and everyone acts like one big happy bridal family. (Hell, I’d be happy! At least I’d know that MTV was picking up the tab for my meal. Get the mozzarella sticks ladies!)

"Just keep repeating: I will not kill my sister in law. I will not kill my sister in law."
“Just keep repeating: I will not kill my sister in law. I will not kill my sister in law.”

At the lunch, they pass around a photo of Kail in her wedding gown and the one chick is just totally giving all kinds of attitude. She’s flashing her best fake smile and is all butt hurt when she finds out that Kail didn’t get the bridesmaid dress that she wanted her to. Kail’s doing her best to keep her cool, but you can tell she totally wants to tell this bi-otch to go “foccacheria” herself.

Next we head to South Dakota to see what Chelsea is up to and who Adam has impregnated this week. Chelsea is helping Aubree figure out a word that rhymes with “plum” (the best she came up with was “um.” I can think of another word that rhymes with “plum” and accurately describes Chelsea. Just sayin’…) Her friend, Other Chelsey, arrives to discuss how Aubree is about to meet Adam’s latest spawn. Chelsea’s worried about how Aubree will process the fact that he has a new baby at his house.

"We be fixin' to get Ali all learned."
“We be fixin’ to get Ali all learned.”

We next check in with Leah, who is trying to get Corey to agree to send Ali to school. Jeremy and Leah get ready to head over to Corey and Miranda‘s place to discuss the plan, while Aleeah is busy spray-painting the house with some Secret Ultra-Dry aerosol.

They arrive at Corey’s log cabin to discuss Ali starting school before Aleeah. Corey says that he still refuses to accept that his daughter has a disability, but the four of them agree to go ahead with Ali’s schooling.

Finally we head over to Jenelle‘s house, where she and her trusty filming friend Tori are sitting on patio furniture that looks straight out of PeeWee’s Playhouse. Tori must have tired of scaring children with her bright red hair because she has dyed it black. (Seriously, the girls on this show keep the Hot Topic hair color line in business!)

Jenelle and Tori discuss how Jenelle’s lawyer, Dustin, is going to try to get most of the charges against her dropped in court the next day. Jenelle tells Tori that she’s done getting in trouble, now that she has Nathan. “Finally, you have a boyfriend that doesn’t have a criminal record!” Tori exclaims. Jenelle is all proud of herself for finding a man that doesn’t have permanent indentions on his wrists from being handcuffed frequently.

"I mean, who HASN'T been kidnapped by their crazy ex-husband at some point in their lives, right?"
“I mean, who HASN’T been kidnapped by their crazy ex-husband at some point in their lives, right?”

Speaking of the bottom-feeder former beaus of Jenelle, Tori reminds Jenelle that she may have to testify against her current husband, Courtland, the next day in court. (It’s nice that the judge does all of Jenelle’s assorted legal cases in bulk. They just clear aside one whole day and do it all at once.)

Nathan is going to court with Jenelle, which makes Jenelle and Tori nervous because Courtland has anger issues and might not enjoy seeing his wife paling around with some guy that’s trying to get her pregnant.

In fact, they decide that Courtland will probably kidnap Jenelle when he gets released from the slammer. While the thought of being kidnapped by a crazed junkie ex-con husband may scare some people, Jenelle doesn’t seem all that worried. After all, she’s been through much tougher things in her life. ‘Member that time she got feathers in her hair and then couldn’t go to the Kesha concert? Now that was tough.

Tori advises Jenelle to put 911 on speed dial, and they end the segment with a cartoon of a hand frantically calling 911. Aww, that’s cute. Why not just draw Jenelle being hog-tied and stuffed into a trunk by a methed-up Courtland? That would make for a fantastic cartoon to end the segment.

Because you never know when you'll have a client that asks you to make her look like an MMA fighter.
Because you never know when you’ll have a client that asks you to make her look like an MMA fighter.

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea is doing her best to pay attention to Karma’s class, but she’s still worried about Aubree meeting the new baby. Today’s lesson in skin school is how to make it look like you’re a victim of domestic violence. No, seriously. That’s legit what Karma’s teaching them. “You can give yourself a black eye, slit your throat,” she tells them. (Why not just call in Courtland to handle this?)

Chelsea goes to work giving Megan a big gash on her cheek. (Hell, it actually looks better than the clownish line of blush Megan sports normally!)

"Hey Aubree, you think you can babysit for a few hours?"
“Hey Aubree, you think you can babysit for a few hours?”

Over at Adam’s house, Aubree is meeting Baby Paislee for the first time. She’s thrilled with the new baby. I am thrilled with Adam’s T-shirt, which reads “Tattooed Parent.” I’m not sure which swapmeet Adam purchased this gem at, but I’m so glad he did. That shirt basically made my whole day. (Don’t judge me. I have a sad life.)

Chelsea gets mad when she finds out that Aubree stayed at Adam’s Love Nest instead of at Adam’s parents’ house. Apparently, Adam’s girlfriend was busy posting photos of Aubree to her social media, and that’s how Chelsea found out.  After cussing out Adam (while Chelsea’s niece is sitting right there), Aubree comes home. She doesn’t say anything about the new baby, which Chelsea finds strange.

Back in Carolina, Jenelle is getting all gussied up for her big day in court. (Hey, she wants to look good when she sees all her friends in the corrections department!) She’s sporting a studious-looking button down shirt and white pants for the occasion. (I hope Barbara knows Jenelle borrowed that outfit from her closet!) She tells Nathan that she likes to wear heels because it makes her look better for the judge and makes her feel “more classier.” AS. YOU. DO!

"This is my more classier outfit."
“This is my more classier outfit.”

It’s just too bad they don’t make those “Tattooed Parent” tees in women’s sizes. I’m sure the judge would love that!

Since MTV cameras are still prohibited in the court room, we don’t get to know if the judge found Jenelle’s outfit “more classier.” Instead, we hear that the case was continued and that Jenelle did not have to fact Courtland. Jenelle and Nathan head to her lawyer’s office, where Dustin says that she will likely get charged for only one of her crimes and will get some more probation. Even Dustin can’t believe how many chances Jenelle keeps getting, and basically tells her to quit f**king up and try to get her crap together for her son’s sake.

Jenelle heads to Casa de Barb, where Barbara is happy to hear that Jenelle is probably not going to go to jail, but is not happy to hear that “Cahhtland” will be getting out soon. She’s also not happy to hear that Jenelle and Nathan are still trying to get Jenelle knocked up, but she is uncharacteristically easygoing about the whole thing. I miss the days where Barb would scream and throw Jenelle’s crap out onto the lawn.

In West Virginia, Leah got new hair. For the first time in like eight episodes, her hair actually looks good. “It’s better than that purple crap!” Jeremy exclaims. He said it, not me…

"Hold on y'all...I've gotta go stop Aleeah from burning down the garage."
“Hold on y’all…I’ve gotta go stop Aleeah from burning down the garage.”

Everyone is making a big fuss about Ali starting school and Aleeah is not happy. She keeps giving her sister the side-eye. Later, Corey and Miranda bring over some new clothes for Ali, which pushes Aleeah off the deep end. Ali is being showered with attention, clothes, backpacks and the promise of new friends, while Aleeah looks like she’s about ready to tie up one of the cameramen and hold him hostage in the bedroom until someone pays attention to her.

Back in Pennsylvania, Javi’s sister and cousin are still being bi-otches They don’t want to try out bridesmaid hairstyles, or spend any money on the wedding or wear purple.

Kail tells her friend that she doesn’t feel connected to the baby she’s carrying because she’s so stressed out about everything. Trusty Peach reassures her that she will be OK. Kail then said that she can’t wait to get settled into her house so that she can rub it in her mom, Smirnoff Suzi’s face. She’s proud that she didn’t follow in her mom’s liquor-soaked footsteps and was able to give her son a much better life than Suzi gave her.

"Ya shoulda ask me to be a bridesmaid, Kail. I look lovely in purple!"
“Ya shoulda ask me to be a bridesmaid, Kail. I look lovely in purple!”

Later, Javi comes home wanting to know what the hell is going on with all this bridesmaid drama. His sister and cousin don’t like Peach, or the purple earrings Kail and the other bridesmaids picked out. Javi seems overwhelmed by all the drama between the hens in his life and seriously looks like he’d wear the earrings if it would get all the girls to stop fighting.

Kail is starting to break down and wonders if having a wedding while pregnant was really such a good idea.

Meanwhile, Chelsea heads to her dad’s house. Aubree is busy brushing Chelsea’s hair and tells her, “Your hair is messy and it has tangles.” Um, tell us something we don’t know, kid! (I will admit, though, that Chelsea’s hair looks better now than it has in years. ‘Member her epically bad Top Ramen blond hair from a few seasons ago?!)

Next week, Adam finally makes good on his four-year threat to take Chelsea to court, Kail makes decisions about her wedding, Ali makes it through her first day of school and Nathan makes our Babs feel bad for having a “bitch of a daughta” that was addicted to heroin.

If he says any more bad things about Babs, I will cut him.

(Photos: MTV)


  1. Ha Ha remember how Jenelle was paranoid about her she looked for court and had lots of mascara or dirt all over her white pants ?

  2. No mention of Aubrey & Chelsea letting her cousin cry real tears trying to be a part of the gift opening fun??? Such a gracious and welcoming host Chelsea is…did anyone hear Chelsea’s comment, something or rather “gaw this is Aubrey’s day anyway can’t she have everything herself”? True that. It’s your day Aubrey. So please, let your sweet cousin cry her tears standing in front of you as you rip open your present in front of her telling her she can’t help go away. Birthdays are always a time for selfishness and lack of empathy towards the people that have bought you gifts and came to your little party.
    I mean really, she wasn’t asking to keep a gift! Not even a scrap of wrapping paper???

    Oh and Adam sucks, but really Chelsea GET OVER HIM. It was sad a season ago, now it’s downright pathetic. There no sexual tension, that’s adam being a d@#$ as usual. I guess guys treating you and their daughter like last weeks tampon is now called “sexual tension”…

  3. PLEASE stop saying ‘As you do’……god, get through ONE article without saying that stupid shit and i’ll give you a gold star.

    At least use it in the right context. Jenelle saying she feels classier and professional in heels isn’t outrageous. I think most people really do feel that way. ‘As you do’ is meant to be used in situations that are outrageous and would never usually happen….

    1. You do realize that is an ongoing joke/punch line for this website. Get a sense of humor. I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt, and assume you’re a first time reader. But for real, why the bitchiness? Do you think you get anywhere in life by acting like a two year old over a joke used on a gossip site?
      People be aware. Commenters like ^^^ are the future of our country.

      1. I do understand it’s a recurring joke but it’s really not funny when used in the wrong context and it’s annoying seeing it in nearly every single article. I am actually a long time reader, and i’m sick of seeing the same ‘joke’ repeated over and over. Jokes are funny the first few times you hear it, but if someone told you the same joke 10 times a day i’m sure you’d stop laughing…and quickly. It’s a cheap joke and it has overstayed its welcome.

        By the way, is it really necessary to bring politics into a discussion on a gossip site? I didn’t say anything about my political views…..

        1. She didn’t say anything about politics. She just said “future of our country”…has nothing to do with your views, just your behavior.

  4. Btw I sat here for two minutes tryin to figure out what rhymes with plum and the only thing I came up with is not appropriate for a four year old

  5. I thought for sure you would comment on how Leah and Miranda matched, hair and shirt! Love your blog, you crack me up.

  6. ugh… cannot stand Adam. He makes me puke. I hope he is in major trouble for this last accident. shouldn’t have even been driving

  7. so does the Ashley know if its true what I read on another blog…. someone else reports that Nathan has had 3 OWI’s and has lost custody of a kid. Can anyone confirm? Just curious since they have been discussing this is Jenelle’s first guy without a criminal record

    1. I’m pretty sure his court date for dui 3 is this month sometime. And Adam’s court date for crashing into that poor old couple is tomorrow, I’m very curious if his probation will get revoked since part of it was that he could not incur any misdemeanors….

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