‘Teen Mom 2′ Season 5B Episode 3 Recap: Pill-Poppin’ & Preppin’ For the Pokey

"Y'all got pills?"
“Y’all got pills?”

Gather ’round kiddies! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2, the place where someone always has a baby in their tummy, someone is always moving and someone is fighting with their boyfriend/baby daddy/booty call! This episode promises a whole heap of hot mess, so let’s get started!

(And, by the way, The Ashley apologizes for not recapping last week’s episode. She’s been dealing with a personal problem. The problem is that she’s lazy. But she apologizes for not breaking down what happened with Barb and the gang!)

Anyway, this episode starts off everyone’s favorite “bitch of a daughta,” Jenelle. They’re are having a bit of “summah weatha” over in North Carolina, which means that Barb has hauled out the plastic pool for Jace and whatever other random grandchild happens to be left at her house at the moment. Barb’s all suited up for summer, wearing a sassy pink mini skirt and sandals. Get it, girl!

teen mom 2
HIGH! HIGH! Ya bar is HIGH!

Meanwhile, Jenelle and Nathan are preparing for Nate’s impending jail stay by going to a cookout at some dude named Norm’s house. (Norm is wearing a T-shirt that is promoting a place that claims to be the ‘Highest Bar in Massachusetts.’ Well, I guess we know where to find ol’ Kieffer if we ever need him again.)

Everyone’s buzzing about Nathan doing 30 days at Motel Menace, and Jenelle says that she’s not too worried about it. She admits that she will be depressed while Nathan is gone and Norm offers to help Jenelle while Nathan is in the clink, but he refuses the help. Norm reminds him that he will soon be the dad of two kids and possibly the husband of Jenelle so he needs to get his act together. (Basically, just try not to do anything that would require a police officer to tase you.)

Next we swing over to South Dakota, where Adam and his second baby-momma are taking family pics with their baby Paislee and Aubree. Why not just grab one of your mugshots and photoshop the fam around you, Adam? That would save you a ton of money! And there’s so many to choose from!

It's wrong to text at the dinner table, Adam. It's also wrong to have that hairstyle.
It’s wrong to text at the dinner table, Adam. It’s also just wrong to have that hairstyle.

After the photo sesh, they meet up with one of Adam’s friends for lunch. Adam talks about his “history” of getting DUI’s and getting into various trouble, which he says has nothing to do with parenting. Um?!?!?!?

He says he has no need to drink and would rather stay home and clean up poo and puke. (Um, yeah, but to be fair most of that puke you were cleaning up was your own, Adam!)

Chelsea, meanwhile, is still worried about not being able to work. Um…you literally haven’t worked in years, this is basically just business as usual. Randy comes over and admires all of the new furniture Chelsea has gotten for her new house (thanks, MTV!) and they discuss going to a lawyer about getting Chelsea’s esthetician license. She says it’s not fair that The Law is taking away her ability to do skin all because of social media posts! Damn you, Twitter!

"Maybe Kail's just after your rap fortune, Jo."
“Maybe Kail’s just after your rap fortune, Jo.”

In Delaware, Kail is ringing up Jo to see why he didn’t show up to Isaac’s birthday party a while back. Jo says that he thought it would be awkward, so Kail asks if she can come over and see his house. She invites herself over and Jo is put on the spot. Obviously, he’s worried about a Jerry-Springer-esque fight breaking out in his living room between Kail and Vee, but after Kail promises to be nice, Jo agrees. (Perhaps the ladies should be required to check in their high heels and file down their nails before Kail enters though? Safety first!)

Kail tells Javi of her plan to bury the hatchet with Vee and he is surprised at how mature Kail is being about all of this. She reaches out to Vee personally via text and tells her that she wants to move forward in their relationship and put the past behind them.

Vee says that she looked out the window to see if hell had frozen over. (Apparently New Jersey is hell.) Naturally, Vee is skeptical.

"I'm all dizzy, y'all!"
“I’m all dizzy, y’all!”

Finally we head to West Virginia to check in with Leah. She’s sans kids so she heads to a restaurant.

Leah immediately tells her friend that she’s pretty sleepy because she went to the doctor recently and got some pills to take for her anxiety. (And by “doctor” she means the guy at the gas station that has no eyebrows and spends a lot of his time cooking chemicals in his basement.)

The “mom stress” has really been getting to Leah, but she’s not sure if she is liking how tired the pills are making her. The medicine has been helping her not freak out when she looks at Ali’s pricey medical bills, though.

Kids be crawlin' everywhere...
Kids be crawlin’ everywhere…

Later, she goes to pick up the twins from Corey. Snow is falling and the girls are crawling all over everything like wild animals, but Leah and Corey do their best to have a conversation about Ali’s wheelchair. He tells Leah that the “board of insurance people” are giving him a hard time so Leah says that she wants to call them herself.

She reveals that she’s been taking anxiety pills because she doesn’t have the support she needs. Wait– doesn’t Leah have a mother and grandmother that are always helping her? And an ex-husband that’s super involved in his kids’ lives? And a husband that helps with the kids when he’s not working? What more does she want?!

"I have NO help...except for my mom, grandma, husband, ex-husband, sister and friends!"
“I have NO help…except for my mom, grandma, husband, ex-husband, sister and friends!”

Maybe she can just drop her three kids off at Babs’ house a few days a week? Seriously, poor Barb has her house so overrun with kids right now that she probably wouldn’t even notice a couple extra ones. She’s supposed to be in her twilight years, but instead she’s in this weird Twilight Zone of illegitimate children.

"Bring me something back from your trip to the slammer!"
“Bring me something back from your trip to the slammer!”

Back in Carolina, it’s the day before Nathan starts his jail sentence. Jenelle is realizing that she’s going to be alone for 30 days and it’s effecting her. Nathan really wants to be around to see Jenelle’s wallet baby belly grow. Jenelle is trying to be positive about the jail sentence and is looking on the bright side of things: if Nathan is in jail, at least he won’t be hitting on other girls! Way to make lemonade out of lemons, Jenelle!

In South Dakota, Chelsea meets up with Lawyer Craig Thompson, the guy that Randy set her up with to try to fetch back her license. Really, I’m not sure how Lawyer Craig Thompson can even focus on what Chelsea’s saying. Seriously, her roots are soooo bad in this scene. She looks like Lindsay Lohan after a 45-day bender. But, Lawyer Craig Thompson is a professional so he does his best to concentrate on the task at-hand: getting Chelsea her esthetician’s license so she can go back to tanning people.

Can't ol' Lando slap some polish on Chelsea's head real quick? Honey, no.
Can’t ol’ Lando slap some polish on Chelsea’s head real quick? Honey, no.

When you think of it, getting Chelsea back to work is just right for America. Think of all of the poor, pale people of South Dakota that have been coating themselves in bronzer because they are unable to receive a spray tan from Chelsea! If we don’t let Chelsea spray tan, the terrorist have won.

Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!

Oh, wait, sorry, wrong show.

Anyway, Chelsea tells Lawyer Craig Thompson that she wasn’t paid and did the job “just for the experience of it.” He says that The Law emailed him screenshots of Chelsea talking about the job.

“Just because it’s on the Internet, doesn’t mean it’s true,” she says.

Wait, what?! Hold the phones! Now Chelsea is just spouting madness. Of course everything on the Internet is true. That Hot Topic hairdye must be seeping into her brain!

Lawyer Craig Thompson said he will respond to the claims, and that there is a chance she could have to go to court. (At least she’ll get to see Adam because, well, where else would he be?)  He then asks Chelsea what the hell she plans to do with her life and straight asks, “So are you at all employed right now?” He probably figures with roots that bad, there’s no way Chelsea could possibly be working in the beauty industry.

“Well, I’m not, like, working now and stuff,” she tells him. Somehow Lawyer Craig Thompson manages to keep a straight face and tells her it will be at least a month before Chelsea even has a chance to get her license.

Sigh.
Sigh.

Meanwhile, Jenelle has barricaded herself in the bathroom to mourn the fact that Nathan is going to jail. Since Jenelle is keeping a toilet vigil, Nathan calls up Norm to see what the hell he should do. Norm tries to talk sensibly to Nathan, and gives him some advice on how to deal with a hormonal Jenelle. He goes into the bathroom and shuts the camera crew out but luckily we get to listen to the audio of the bathroom cry session, thanks to the couple’s mic packs.

"Jon Claude Van Dammmmn I look good!"
“Jon Claude Van Dammmmn I look good!”

The next day is Nathan’s big court day, so Jenelle’s getting all fancied up for the occasion. They head to the courthouse and both of them have anxiety about the situation. Maybe pop one of Leah’s pills real quick before going in?

They enter the courthouse and meet up with the lawyers. Nathan asks if there’s any possible way they’d be willing to swap his 30 days of jail with 18 months of probation (something he said he didn’t want last episode). The lawyer is like, “Um, yeah, no. Your drunken ass is going to jail” They head in but only Jenelle and the lawyers come out because Nathan was immediately taken to the slammer.

I'm fairly certain Jo was packing a piece that night...just in case.
I’m fairly certain Jo was packing a piece that night…just in case.

Over in New Jersey, it’s time for the long-awaited visit between Javi, Kail, Vee and Jo. Javi and Kail arrive at Jo and Vee’s humble abode, and as soon as the doorbell rings, Isaac screams, “I’ve gotta hide!” (Smart kid, he knows that he won’t be able to dodge all of the flying shoes and hair extensions that will undoubtedly be thrown when Kail meets Vee.)

Javi and Vee meet for the first time, while Isaac takes Kail into his room. The four of them all hang out in the room and someone turns off the lights. (Good thinking, don’t let Isaac see all the blood splatter.)

They all go into the living room and chat amicably. Isaac is thrilled that all four of them are in the same room together. They decide to go to dinner but not before Kail admits that she was a total a**hole to Vee and that it was her fault that this didn’t happen sooner. Wait…that’s it? No catfight?! No hair-pulling!? What a rip-off! It’s disappointing when people start acting mature on this show.

Teen Mom 2
“I wanna talk about the baby’s head…with the dye…on the pills…”

Meanwhile, Leah is all loose from her anxiety pills and decides to make a phone call to Ali’s therapist while all hopped up on pills at work at the tanning salon. She’s having a hard time getting her thoughts out, and is slurring her words while closing her eyes.

The therapist starts talking to her and Leah looks like she’s trying to stay awake. By the end of the conversation, Leah is barely getting any coherent words out.

"Pssh! You call THAT a drug problem?!"
“Pssh! You call THAT a drug problem?!”

She’s talking about how they need to “make a different dye to put into a baby’s head….and stuff…”We haven’t seen this level of phone slurring since, well, Kail’s mom Smirnoff Suzi!

The therapist does her best to politely end the call and, although they don’t show it, I’m fairly certain that Leah goes and passes out in one of the tanning beds. Well, at least she’ll have a nice, Chelsea-like orange glow when she wakes up!

No joke, this was legit Jeremy's face when Leah said she was about to cry.
No joke, this was legit Jeremy’s face when Leah said she was about to cry.

Later that night, Leah talks to Jeremy about how her pills are making her feel. She explains to him how “messed up” she feels and that she “ain’t no druggie.”

Jeremy recommends taking a lower dose but reminds us that, he “ain’t no doctor.” (Could have fooled me, bro!) Jeremy says that he can see the drugged out look in Leah’s eyes, which makes Leah feel even worse. She begs Jeremy to help her, and he asks what he can do to help.

“Just be there for me,” she says, which is basically the most generic answer she can give. Jeremy goes back to playing with his bangs because he has no idea what the hell his wife wants.

Jenelle's Mom
“I betta be back next week!”

With that, the episode ends, and we barely got any Barb at all! No catfights and no Barb. This is hogwash!

Next week, Jenelle takes care of Jace without any assistance and fails, Kail and Javi fail to communicate, Adam fails to follow the rules about driving Aubree, and Leah’s pills fail to calm her the f**k down.

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

 

6 Comments

  1. God, I wish you could do recaps everyday.
    You keep me sane while I’m sitting on my butt at work. And did I mention you make me laugh more than anyone else? 😉


  2. When Leah started to talk about the dye on the baby’s head I started to lose it. And thank you for pointing out that Leah rambles on and on about how life is so hard but she has an entire family support network. I’m not saying she doesn’t have a lot on her plate, and dealing with a special needs child is quite taxing and emotional but COME ON GIRL.


  3. I know the show compiles what story lines for each girl is the most interesting but showing one scene where Jace is in North Carolina swimming outside followed by a scene in West Virginia where Ali is playing with the snow on Corey’s truck just bothers me.. They’re like 2 states away, there’s no way there would be a 50 degree difference in temperature from West Virginia to North Carolina.
    C’mon, MTV at least try to show SOME consistency!

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