It’s only the fourth week into Chris Soules’ farmer-ized season of The Bachelor, and already The Ashley wants to gouge her eyes out with a corn cob. Between the horrible farm puns, bad dates and God-awful group of “ladies” (and that word is used almost comically to describe these ho-bags), this season is awfully hard to watch.
Anyway, we head into the Bachelor Mansion, where the girls have received a date card that says a group of them will be going on a “natural” date. Everyone basically poops themselves thinking about seeing Chris without having a full face of makeup on.
They run upstairs to “naturalize” their looks. (So…basically they used the “medium” shade of their self tanner, instead of the “dark.”)
The girls going on the date meet up with Chris at a lake, and all of them are wearing bikinis and short-shorts. Chris isn’t fazed, of course. He works on a farm, so he’s used to being around a lot of hoes.
Sorry…couldn’t help myself…
Anyway, the girls are all frolicking in the lake, splashing and squealing.
“I want to be myself so bad,” Ashley I., the girl that’s been talking about being Kim Kardashian this whole season, tells us.
She then proceeds to take off her bikini bottoms and contaminate the lake with her lady juice.
Back at the Mansion, Chris’ sisters arrive to meet with the remaining girls and decide which one of them should get to bang their brother in the Fantasy Suite in a few weeks.
The sisters “interview” each of the girls that are left at the house. The girls all lie through their veneers, telling the sisters that they can’t wait to live at a desolate farm in Iowa. Jade talks about how she models for a website (Spoiler: It’s Playboy) and that she’s starting her own organic makeup company. Well, I’m sure there’s a huge market out on the farm for organic makeup, so that should work well. Kudos to her for somehow managing to plug her crappy makeup on the show, though.
The sisters come back to fake-smile and hug all the girls. They are going to decide which girls are here for the “right reasons” and which ones are just there because they got rejected by the Real World casting people.
The sisters end up picking Jade. In a date card, the sisters hint that Jade will be going on a “Cinderella” princess date. All of the other girls look like they want to use their mascara wands to stab Jade in the eye.
Back at the lake, Chris and the gang are playing a game of swimsuit Red Rover…except for Kelsey who is not impressed with the fake smiles, childish games and skanky-girl-filled hell hole of a lake.
Chris then tells the girls that they will be staying the night at the lake…in tents. Just as Kelsey is telling us how much she hates the lake, she gets stung by a bee…on the vagina. Well, on the bright side, she’s probably not the only girl on this trip with a red, swollen vagina. Thank goodness for penicillin. Am I right?!
The gang sets up their tents and then they have a BBQ. They’re roasting wieners and big sticks of meat, and it all feels like the beginning of a really bad camping-themed ‘80s p0rno. “Who wants some meat?” Chris asks.
Chris and Kaitlyn have some alone time and talk about how beautiful the moon is. (Too bad it’s probably just a poor production assistant holding up a fake moon with a flashlight behind it.)
Meanwhile, Kelsey (and her bee-stung hooha) is over the camping shenanigans, but she still manages to lay on the fake smile. Ashley I. tells us that she thinks Kelsey is phony. She does this while wearing ridiculously giant fake eyelashes…on a camping trip, of course.
Ashley S. decides it’s about time to bring out the crazy and starts babbling incoherently. She goes to have alone time with Chris and asks him what he is. From there, she tells him that she loves him and then gives him the death stare.
Have all of the local mental institutions done a patient head count lately? No…seriously…have they?
Luckily, the girls all call Chris to come back to the campsite, so he’s able to escape Ashley S. before she goes and gets her chainsaw and murder him.
The date rose goes to Kaitlyn…who’s drunk. Ashley I. can’t believe that he didn’t pick her, so she is determined to let Chris know “the real” her. She decides to sneak into Chris’ tent and as soon as she gets in there she says, “This is smaller than I expected.”
She’s talking about Chris’ tent. At least…I think she’s talking about his tent…
Ashley I. is trying to let Chris know that she’s a virgin but doesn’t want to come right out and tell him because, well, she’s just super dramatic and annoying.
“He can probe at that area later on,” she says.
She then tells Chris that she’s not a hook-up girl…while she’s hooking up with him. Naturally.
The next day at the Mansion, everyone is pissed off that Jade got the princess date. Ashley I. is especially upset because she says she’s a “Disney princess” so she should get the date.
A hair and makeup team arrives to transform Jade into a princess. All of the other floozies are green with envy as Jade chooses a ball gown and pair of glass slippers. She also gets giant diamond earrings, which she gets to keep. Of course, no good date on this show is without a ton of product placement. This date is based on whatever crappy new Cinderella movie is being released by the Walt Disney Company.
She drives off in a fancy car as all of the other girls glare at her in the driveway.
Jade arrives at the “ball” and Chris is really happy that his sisters chose her for the date. They eat dinner next to a glass slipper and Jade reveals that she was once engaged, and Chris mentions that he, too, had a previous fiancé. Jade is from a small town in Nebraska, so Chris says he can relate to her. He tells us he likes Jade’s “inner beauty” so he gives her the stupid rose.
He tells her there’s one more surprise. Will it be a private concert or a helicopter ride? I mean, what else could it be? It’s ‘The Bachelor.’
Well, it’s a private concert. There’s an orchestra that plays as they waltz (badly) on stage. It’s safe to say that Chris won’t be getting any Dancing With the Stars offers. The guy dances like he’s trying to hold in diarrhea.
Back at the Mansion, Ashley I. is determined to get her princess date. In fact, she had a dress all picked out, so she puts on her dress, slugs back some wine and gnaws on a corncob.
The next day is another date. (Seriously? Can’t the guy just hand out the flowers and call it a day? Good God.)
Six girls will be going on the date, and all of them receive a box with a wedding dress in it. They put them on and board a helicopter. Jillian says that she is having a problem wearing the wedding dress and girly clothes. Well, it’s hard to fit the frank and beans into a pair of nylons, ain’t it, Jill?
The girls fly up to San Francisco to meet Chris. They find out that they will be doing some sort of mud run in their wedding gowns. (Somehow these broads running around like crazy brides is going to help people who have MS, but don’t ask me how.)
They head to the starting line and charge into the mud. Jillian’s in her element because…in case you haven’t heard…she likes the fitness. She basically kills the other girls. Carly says she’s not athletic so she gave up “after the big balls.” So….after Jillian?
Jillian kisses her own muscles as she crosses the finish line. Britt comes across second and spits a giant lugie all over her face. Yummy.
Chris is supposed to take Jillian on a solo date, so the other girls go home dirty, sad and tired. Chris and Jillian have dinner on a rooftop, and Chris tells us that Jillian’s in his Top 3 right now. That pretty much ends as soon as she opens her mouth, though, because she starts rambling incoherently. The only thing we can understand is that she’s talking about “diet” and “training.” Chris feels left out of the conversation.
(Jillian is totally one of those girls that constantly posts on Instagram about her workouts, carb-loading and Crossfit. And protein shakes…lots and lots of protein shakes. #gymflow)
Jillian’s babbling like Ashley S. on Ambien, and Chris is clearly over her. He looks like he’s actually contemplating jumping off the roof they’re on, but is probably scared that Jill will just use her great big man arm to scale the wall and grab him. When she asks him if he’d be willing to have sex with a homeless person, that’s the final straw for our Prince Farming.
Chris tries to dump her, but Jillian isn’t really having it.
Chris, watch your back, bro. Jillian’s totally coming back with a kettle ball tonight to knock you out for dumping her.
The next night is the rose ceremony. Now that Jillian got the boot, everyone is very tense knowing that their “journey to find love” can end at any time.
Ashley I. is still harping on her “virginity,” so she is determined to make sure that Chris knows.
Raise your hand if you are so over the Virgdashian?
Ashley finally throws it out that she’s a virgin, and makes sure he knows that her virginity is not something she’s “like, super serious about.”
Chris pretends like he’s impressed by Ashley I’s virginity. He also pretends that he believes that she’s a virgin. We all know that he’s thinking about how much of a ho-bag this chick has been throughout the whole season and is trying not to laugh.
If Ashley is a virgin, I’m Prince George. (Spoiler: I’m not actually the royal baby.)
Ashley I. goes off into the corner to cry and all the other girls are clearly over Ashley, her fake-eyelash-glue-filled tears and her alleged chastity. She then “comes out” to all the other girls.
“Her mouth is not a virgin,” one of the girls tells us.
All of a sudden, Becca (wait, who?) announces that she, too, is a virgin and you can just tell that Ashley’s pissed. She totally thought she had come up with a unique angle to woo Chris, and here this other chick is going to steal it—the nerve!
Um…can someone give the other Ashley some tequila? If she gets drunk and lets her crazy loose again, maybe they’ll stop focusing on the annoying Virgdashian.
Meanwhile, Britt’s worried that Kaitlyn is stealing her position as the frontrunner. She hasn’t gotten much time with Chris this week, so she goes to talk to him about why he’s all up in Kaitlyn’s grill. She also scolds him for giving Kaitlyn a rose even though she acted like a tramp on the camping date.
Chris stumbles through his explanation, stuttering that Kaitlyn has a “lot of facets” and “er, um, qualities.” Chris is stumbling over the English language more than Ashley S. without her meds. It’s painful to watch, and Chris is clearly pissed that Britt dared to question his integrity.
He walks into the room and announces that he’s here for the right reasons, and that if any of these beotches question that, they can take their bad hair extensions and get the hell out.
It’s time to give out flowers, and everyone but Kaitlyn and Jade, who already have roses, is nervous. The first rose goes to Whitney, and the second to Carly. Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey all get roses, as does Becca. There are only two roses left, and Ashley I. and Britt both haven’t received one, nor has Ashley S. Ashley I gets one, which means there’s another week ahead of us listening to her run her non-virgin mouth.
Britt gets the final rose, which means tonight we say goodbye to crazy Ashley S. (and her rambling), Juelia, the pool party widow, and some other chick with black hair that no one even knew was still on this show.
Ashley and the black hair girl take their rejection like a champ, but Juelia is having a hard time. Chris walks her out and tells her how someday she will find someone, and that she’s a beautiful person inside and out, blah blah blah. Can we please focus on what Ashley S is currently doing? I’m sure that crazy lady is probably bathing in the fountain in front of the Mansion right now! Why are we wasting camera time on this lady?!
Next week we head to Santa Fe (that’s in New Mexico for those of you who aren’t much for the geography). It’s hinted that Chris and Carly have an intimate time, and somehow Kelsey ends up sprawled out in the hallway sobbing. As you do.
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s crappy ‘Bachelor’ episode, click here!