Welcome to another episode of The Bachelor! This week, Chris and his harem of hoes are leaving LA and beginning to travel in their “quest for love.” These are the dates all of the gals have been waiting for.
Chris Harrison arrives and tells the girls that they need to pack their bags because they’re heading to the exotic, foreign land of…New Mexico. Half of the girls are clearly unhappy that they aren’t to another country, while the other half is thrilled because they think New Mexico is another country.
In the first minute, Megan basically wins the night by telling us how excited she is to visit the “beach-like” town of Santa Fe. She’s got her “big sombrero” all packed for her trip and tells us that she’s pumped because she’s “never been out of the country.”
We should just stop watching right now. It’s only downhill from this point, guys.
Anyway, the first date card arrives for Carly. It reads: “Let’s come together.”
Because The Ashley has the brain of a 12-year-old boy, she immediately reads that in a perverted way.
Chris and Carly meet up with a “love guru” who is armed with sage and ready to make everyone uncomfortable. She first has Carly and Chris do some rhythmic breathing.
Next, Carly blindfolds Chris and feeds him fruits. She also has to touch his big ol’ creepy man hoof so that their senses can gel or something. The guru then instructs Carly to smell Chris, and later tells Carly to bend over and let Chris massage her thighs. So…basically…Carly got into the yoga pose known as “Clare Crawley.”
The guru then tells them to get naked, and Carly looks scared.
“I don’t really take my clothes off for anyone,” she tells us before she takes Chris’ pants off and exposes his Hanes His Way boxer briefs. They both declare that they’re uncomfortable and the granola guru looks really upset.
I don’t really think this lady’s a love guru. I think she’s just a creepy hippie perv.
Next she instructs Carly to sit on Chris’ lap, but tells her she can’t kiss him.
So…basically they’re doing hooker rules?
The guru tells them to breath into each other’s mouths. They’re huffing and puffing and it’s really gross and awkward and, well, boring.
Mercifully the love guru date ends (and whoever came up with it is likely fired). They go have a cozy dinner and Carly says that she was glad that Chris had grabbed her hand during the awkward date.
“We could use each other’s strength to get through it,” she tells Chris.
Um…you sat on a dude’s lap, they didn’t do a couple’s waterboard. Good Lord.
Afterward, Carly tells Chris that her last boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with her, physically and that made her feel undesirable. Chris acts like he cares but you know he’s sitting there wondering if he can get the producers to get her a “Summer’s Eve” gift bag, should she make it into the Fantasy Suite…
Still, he gives her the date rose.
Back at home, the gals are all getting into the Southwest vibe—the Coachella headbands, turquoise earrings and fringed attire have all come out.
To celebrate their arrival in New Mexico, Kelsey tells the story of how her husband died. Good times! Ashley, of course, is indifferent about Kelsey’s story because she’s trying to be Kim Kardashian, remember, so she only cares about herself.
The next date card arrives for the group. Everyone is going except for Britt, which means she will be getting the one-on-one. Kelsey is pissed that she didn’t get the solo date and is starting to get all dramatic and annoying. So…basically she is starting to fit right in with the rest of these creeps.
The next day, the horde of hobags is all dressed in their yoga pants, so they head out to the group date. They arrive at the Rio Grande River and see that they’re going white water rafting. All the girls pretend that they’re super excited but Megan’s scared that she could be eaten by alligators…or dead bodies. Ashley should be extra-worried, because if she falls in, she’ll sink straight to the bottom, thanks to her big ol’ head.
They’re “tearing through the rapids” and eventually Jade goes overboard. The guide pulls her up (and pulls her pants down, naturally).
Of course, Jade makes up a story about having some weird condition that she says causes her body to go into hypothermia even at normal temperatures. Chris gets down to warm her feet up, and all the other skanks look like they wish they had made up a weird medical condition that got them attention.
Kelsey is particularly angry that Jade’s getting all the attention. After all, no one gave two craps last episode when a bee stung her in the no-no zone.
Later, the girls clean up, put on their tramp dresses and head to a restaurant to have drinks and throw themselves at Chris. As he is heading over to meet the girls, Jordan (who was eliminated during week two) randomly shows up. She tells Chris that she drove all the way to New Mexico from Colorado because, well, she acted like a complete lush last time she was on the show. (Who could forget her upside down sweatpant-twerking?)
She asks Chris for a second chance, and they go spend time together. Meanwhile, all of the other girls are wondering where Chris is.
“Is he, like, gonna show up, and stuff?” McKenzie asks.
All of a sudden, Chris appears with Jordan on his arm and all the girls look pissed. Ashley says that she doesn’t like Jordan because Jordan didn’t act like a lady while she was here. Mind you, Ashley is the chick that took her bikini bottoms off and waved them around during the group date last week. Never forget.
All the girls are bitching about Jordan’s return, and Ashley is trying to encourage the other girls to be mean to Jordan so she’ll take her drunk ass back to Colorado. Whitney refuses to be mean to Jordan because…well, Whitney’s an adult, unlike most of these immature twits. Whitney tells us that Chris doesn’t want a mean girl for a wife. (He also won’t want a two-buck, broke-down Kim Kardashian imposter for a wife, but that’s another story…)
Next we have to hear what every one of these idiots think about the Jordan situation. Um… either throw her off the roof or let her stay but let’s get over it.
Chris takes Jordan aside and explains that he can’t let her stay. If Juan Pablo was still the ‘Bachelor,’ he would have taken Jordan behind the outdoor fireplace for a quickie before letting her go.
Jordan slinks away to go drink a box of wine and dream about the producers calling her this summer to come on ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’
In the end, Whitney gets the date rose. See, sometimes the nice girl can win. Well, if you count winning as getting a rose from a no-eyed farmer that’s also dating like eight other girls.
Meanwhile, Britt’s date card arrives, and she’s freaking the eff out because her date is going to involve heights or the sky or getting high or something.
The next morning, Chris comes into Britt’s room to wake her up. Luckily, Britt fell asleep with a full face of makeup (like, lipstick and all). He tells Britt she has five minutes to get ready. Carly just happens to be in the same room as Britt and has to hear them kissing. She’s over Britt and so are we.
Britt (and her ridiculous extensions) head off to the date with Chris. She’s afraid of heights so that leaves a lot of room for squealing, crying and sobbing for attention. Britt seems to forget all about her fear of heights when she realizes they’ll be going on a hot air balloon ride. She says she feels safe because Chris is there with her.
Um…sorry, honey but when that basket breaks and you plummet into the gorge face first, ol’ Farmer Boy is going to be useless.
(Un)fortunately, the basket doesn’t break, so they just use their time in the air to make out.
Back at the house, the other girls try to figure out why Britt doesn’t shower, wash her hair or shave her legs, and more importantly, why Chris likes her.
“He lives in a barn, maybe he likes a little dirt,” Ashley says.
I’m sure Chris loved that comment watching this episode back.
Meanwhile, on the date, Britt tells Chris she wants “like, 100 kids!” That comment helps him look past her nasty-ass hair mange and he give her the rose. Next they move into Chris’ bed. They’re cuddling in bed and Chris closes his bedroom door. Someone throw a condom in there. Or a face mask. If Britt doesn’t wash her body, I can only imagine the stench that would be coming off of her naked body.
Later, Britt comes to brag to the other girls about her date, but all the other girls are like, “Bio-tch take your unwashed self out of here.” The girls get extremely mad when Britt announces that she and Chris “napped” for two hours in Chris’ bed.
That last part basically sends Kelsey off the deep end. She marches up to Chris’ room. (Um…why do they tell these psychos where he’s staying?) She is determined to let Chris know all about her dead husband.
“I don’t have bad news to share with you,” she begins, and then proceeds to tell him all about how her husband (whose name is Sanderson Poe), died.
“Isn’t my story amazing?” she asks us. “It’s tragic but I love my story.”
She gets her first kiss after she finishes her dead husband story.
“Hell yes, I’m getting a rose tonight!” she tells us.
Don’t you love it when your dead husband helps you score a date with some other dude?
That night is the cocktail party (and it’s in “SantE Fe, New Mexico,” according to the subtitles). Everyone is nervous, except for Kelsey, who is laughing and smiling and telling everyone that she’s not worried at all. Chris arrives and tells the girls he appreciates them coming out to “Santa Bay” with him.
WTF is happening here? Why is it so hard for everyone on this show to properly pronounce or spell “Santa Fe?!”
Chris says that his convo with Kelsey made him think about some things. He then goes off and cries in the corner. Chris Harrison creeps up to comfort him. (Of course, Chris has his emotional moment while in front of a picturesque bell tower.)
Hey, if you’re gonna lose it, you may as well do it in a spot that looks good on camera!
Back at the cocktail party, all the girls are “comforting” Kelsey, who is spewing creepiness about “honoring Sanderson” and “protecting the girls” from the awkwardness. Kelsey starts doing a weird speech about taking time for granted, and then says she has to say goodbye to people who are going home. She does this while crying, and then immediately starts talking about how awesome her high heels are.
Chris Harrison comes back in and tells the girls that this has been a tough week for Chris. (Yes, hot air-ballooning, white water rafting and boning Britt must have been so, so hard on poor Prince Farming.)
Chris H. says there will be no cocktail party and that they will be going straight to the rose ceremony. Ashley is pissed because Kelsey has a way better story than she does. (Everyone knows that a dead husband totally outweighs an unused hymen.)
Kelsey then says that she doesn’t want to go to the rose ceremony because it’s “scary.” She leaves and all of a sudden the girls hear screams and shrills and Kelsey is down on the ground, sobbing. The show’s medics come out of the woodwork and Kelsey tells them she’s having a panic attack.
We get the “To Be Continued…” screen before we find out what really happened. However, I’m fairly certain that Jordan came around the corner and slapped Kelsey upside the head with a box of Costco wine.
Until next week…..
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!