Welcome back to The Bachelor, where the hair extensions are bad and the girls’ attitudes are worse! This week’s episode picks up right where last week’s left off: with Kelsey lying flat on her back and whimpering. (It’s funny; I kind of expect Britt to be the one doing that on the regular for the cameras, but, go figure.) Anyway, Kelsey goes from being in a full-on panic attack to laughing about getting a rose in a matter of seconds.
She goes back to the room with all of the other girls in it, and is not getting much sympathy. They all think she’s faking it for attention from Chris. As Kelsey recounts her dramatic “brush with death,” all of the other girls are just glaring at her. (To be fair, they are all probably trying to come up with some ailment that they can fake to get attention this week.)
After Kelsey’s catastrophe, Chris comes in and apologizes for canceling the “caaahktail party” (gotta love that Midwest accent!) He says that he’s been “through too much” to do one. (Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!)
He gives roses to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca and Ashley. All of the girls are shivering in the cold as the last rose lingers on the pedestal. (Literally, a few of the girls are visibly shaking from the cold. Their teeth are chattering and one girl’s big ol’ fake boobs keep jiggling for the camera as she shivers. Jesus, guys. Get that chick a blanket or something; this is really distracting!) Anyway, the last rose goes to Kelsey.
McKenzie says that she doesn’t know if she’ll “ever be able to get over” being rejected by Chris. EVER. And she’s only 21, so she’s just been sentenced to many, many years of feeling rejected.
Samantha, who said about five sentences since the very first episode, was also left flowerless. She may not have sad anything but I like her so much more than Britt, Kelsey and Ashley. On the plus side, Samantha can always get a job as a Nikki Hilton impersonator.
The next day, Chris tells us that he had a “challenging” experience in New Mexico, so he is in need of a vacation to a glamorous place. He is taking the girls to the exotic town of…Deadwood, South Dakota.
The girls are staying at the nicest place in town…the Holiday Inn. (I’m sure Ashley will have to Lysol the “poor” off of her after spending the night in such a low-class, non-Kardashian-esque establishment.)
Britt and Kelsey are hanging out on the balcony. No, seriously, Britt’s boob is almost literally hanging out. She is one of those girls that walks around in her bra top and full makeup, and then probably complains about how fat she is. On the bright side, not wearing a shirt gives Britt the ability to air out her unwashed body.
The date card arrives for Becca, who we’ve barely seen. She’s the girl that looks like if Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson had melted together in the late 1990s and emerged as a single person. Oh, and she’s also the other “virgin” on this “journey,” so it will be interesting to see if she uses her intact hymen for attention.
Chris randomly lurks into the woods until Becca arrives. Chris has yet to mouth-molest Becca (she’s the only one he hasn’t kissed!) so he’s definitely going to be trying to jam his big ol’ farmer tongue down her throat during this date.
They will be going horseback riding, and Chris is in awe of how easily Becca got up there and mounted that horse. He’s hoping that he’ll soon be the husky stag beneath her.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Carly (and her ever-present side braid) is trying to rally the girls to yell at Kelsey. Just then, Kelsey walks in the room, so Whitney starts the conversation about how big of a psycho dick Kelsey is.
Kelsey explains that if you have a dead husband, you have to lie in the hallway and scream for attention. Or something.
The rest of the girls talk about much they dislike Kelsey but Kelsey doesn’t get why. She then tells us that she thinks it’s because she’s smart and eloquent and uses big words.
(Let’s hope they have wide door frames in South Dakota; otherwise Kelsey won’t be able to fit her big ol’ head in the door and will have to sleep outside. Actually, that could be kind of good. Maybe she’ll get stung by a bee in the vagina again!)
Later, the date card arrives for Kaitlyn, Carly, Britt, Megan and Whitney. That means that Kelsey and Ashley will be going on a 2-on-1 date. This is a best case scenario for us viewers because either way we get rid of Krazy Kackle Kelsey or the Virgdashian.
Anyway, back on the date, Becca and Chris sit around a bonfire and roast kabobs. For a virgin, Becca certainly knows her way around a meat stick. (I’m talking about the kabobs. Kind of.)
They chat about how many kids they want. Chris wants his wife to crap out at least four kids, and Becca seems OK with that. (After all, what else is there to do in Arlington, Iowa?)
This is probably the first “real” date we’ve seen Chris go on. No one is having panic attacks, talking about “winning” the competition or riding tractors in their bikini. Becca is hoping that Chris is going to kiss her, but she’s worried that everyone in America (including her dad!) will see her smooching on this farmer that’s already tongue-wrestled a heap of hoes. Finally Farmer Boy goes in for the kiss, and it’s long and awkward, as per usual.
The next day, the girls on the group date learn that they’ll be performing songs. Jade is unhappy because she doesn’t like performing things. (Um…except for in adult movies, of course.)
Big and Rich arrive to help these chicks learn how to use their mouths for something other than making out with Chris. Carly is excited because she regularly sings on cruise ships. (Do we know if she is actually paid to do this? Or does she just walk around the ship with her Barbie karaoke machine and a margarita and sing until people call security?)
It’s time for the girls to go up and sing for Chris’ love. Britt is dressed up like Donna Martin from 90210. She’s sporting a ‘90s crop top, ripped leggings and some God awful boots. Megan sings well, and Carly sings…not as well as you’d expect for someone that’s logged that many karaoke machine hours.
Jade is last, and she’s very nervous. Quick! Fake a panic attack!
She gets up there and croaks out a few lines and even the toothless guitar picker is smiling to encourage her. Chris is strangely impressed.
Later that night, Britt decides to be an ass and steal Chris away from all the other girls. They happen to just run into a Big and Rich concert happening across the street. (Because it’s really easy to sneak into sold out concerts, you know.)
Of course, Big and Rich call Chris out in the crowd and bring them up on stage. Chris gives her the rose onstage and then they make out. Britt says she loves Big and Rich. It’s funny because Chris thinks Britt’s talking about the band…but she’s actually talking about her two favorite qualities in a man.
Back at the saloon, meanwhile, the other girls are left sitting there feeling rejected. Eventually, Chris and Britt mosey on in, and are met with ice cold stares from the other girls. Chris rattles on about how special everyone is, and no one is buying it. No one will talk to him so he slinks out the door and strolls down the street, Charlie-Brown-style, with his head hung down.
The next day, is Chris’ 2-on-1 date with Ashley and Kelsey. They meet Chris and go see Mt. Rushmore from a helicopter. Kelsey is trying to prove how smart she is by naming all the presidents on the rock. Ashley is busy trying to figure out how to get her eyelashes to stop sticking to her forehead. (She can’t be serious with those things, can she?)
They land in the Badlands and Ashley steals Chris away first and attacks him with her mouth. Then she uses the rest of her time to talk crap on Kelsey. Then it’s Kelsey “turn” to go have awkward convo with Chris.
“So, uh…how’s everything in the house?” Chris asks her. (Translation: have you boiled anyone’s pet bunny lately?)
Chris brings up the fact that Ashley thinks Kelsey is fake. (Mind you, Ashley said this while wearing fake hair, ridiculous fake eyelashes, a fake tan and a fake virginity.) Kelsey denies that she’s fake and says she’s hurt that Ashley trashed her.
When Kelsey returns, she awkwardly glares at Kelsey. Like, continuously glares until her eyes are boring into Ashley’s tanned face.
“I know what you did,” Kelsey tells her.
It gets very creepy, so Ashley walks off. She tearfully grabs Chris and yells at him for telling Kelsey what she said. She is sobbing and trying to get her Kardashian claws into him. Of course, her tears are fake, given that there is no eye makeup running all over her face.
Chris, take my advice buddy. Grab the helicopter and leave these crazy biotches to catfight to the death. We’ll send a production assistant to scrap their animal-picked-over carcasses from the Badlands after a few days. I’d eat that rose before I gave it to either one of these dramatic psychos.
Finally, he tells Ashley that she’s way too high maintenance, dramatic and annoying to come out and live on the farm in Iowa. She walks off but then comes back to fake cry/yell more. She doesn’t want to be dumped, so she storms off (again) to go cry.
Oh God. I can’t handle this. This is why I hang out with dogs instead of girls.
The other girls are shocked when they see the producers taking Ashley’s suitcase away. They can’t believe that Chris sent her home instead of Kelsey.
Meanwhile, Ashley is blubbering and talking to herself while sitting in the middle of nowhere. As you do.
Chris goes to talk to Kelsey and lets her know that Ashley went home. She’s relieved…until he dumps her too! He tells her that he’s not feeling her or her dead husband stories or her bee-stung vagina. Kelsey takes the news much less dramatically than Ashley.
Then he just gets into the chopper and bolts the hell out of there, leaving both girls sitting in the middle of the Badlands.
When the other girls find out that both Ashley and Kelsey are gone, they literally pop bottles and celebrate. Chris, meanwhile, is helicoptering over the Badlands, watching both drama queens sob.
Next week, the girls and Chris will be back for two days of kissing, proclamations of love and Iowan shenanigans. Oh, and Britt is supposedly going to completely crack. So there’s that to look forward to.
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!