Well, kids, we’re finally going overseas for the final legs of The Bachelor. Our hunk, Chris, dusts off his passport and heads to Bali, where he will pound it out in the Fantasy Suite with his final three broads: Whitney, Becca and Kaitlyn. Whichever girl Chris ends up picking better enjoy her time in Indonesia, because as soon as she gets back to the farm in Iowa, it’ll be dates at the feed store from here on out.
The first girl he meets up with is Kaitlyn. He takes her to a temple, and tells her that it’s against temple rules for her to kiss him, or dress like a ho-bag. She’s going to have to keep it in her pants until they get into the Fantasy Suite.
After doing some yard work around the temple, they stroll around town to see how foreign poor people live. Chris calls Kaitlyn his girlfriend, which makes her get all moist in her no-no’s. As they’re walking around, a pack of hungry and thirsty monkeys attack Chris. Kaitlyn freaks out, but Chris is pretty calm. It’s no surprise, though. The guy has had a bunch of thirsty, howling creatures crawling on him all season!
Kaitlyn says that she doesn’t have any negative feelings. Um…that’s because you’re the first chick to go into the Fantasy Suite. If you were #3 you’d be singing a different tune.
Chris then presents the key to Fantasy Suite, which Kaitlyn eagerly accepts. (That’s no surprise, being that this was the chick that asked Chris if she could “plow his field” within seconds of meeting him.)
They head into the humping hut, where a production assistant has filled an entire tub full of roses. Before they start putting body parts into each other, however, Kaitlyn feels the need to tell Chris that she’s “completely falling in love” with him. Surprisingly, Chris tells her that he’s falling in love with her as well.
He starts sweating heavily and then leads her to the bed, where he will mount her and give her the four most magical (and sweat-filled) moments of ecstasy she’s ever experienced.
The next day, Chris fire-hoses off his junk to prepare for his date with Whitney. They go sailing across the Indian Ocean. Whitney looks a little different this week, for some reason. It’s almost like she has made herself over to look like Heidi Montag (pre 15 plastic surgeries.)
Anyway, Whitney explains away her sister Kimberly’s negative comments from last week by saying that Kim’s kinda a bitch. She’s going on and on and Chris is totally not listening. (That makes two of us.) She’s rattling on about her family, and Chris interjects at the right times so Whit has no clue.
They do the “slow jump” off the boat (because, honestly, what’s a ‘Bachelor’ season without a slow jump off a boat?)
Later that night, they head off to a fancy dinner and Chris brings up the fact that Whitney will have to give up her rewarding career as a nurse to go shuck corn on the farm if they end up together. Whitney is the only girl left that hasn’t had the pleasure of seeing Arlington, which worries Chris. He tells Whitney that in order to have a career, she’d have to drive about six hours a day. To fill the long days in Arlington, Chris says that he “doesn’t do much,” and pretty much just spends his time roaming around his farm.
She takes it all in, but insists that she’s OK with moving to Iowa. In fact, she’d be happy to, because her life and career in Chicago don’t make her happy because she’s not a mom and a wife. She says she’d love to leave the career she’s worked so hard for so that she can go crap out a litter of Chris’ babies…or something like that. This chick talks so much that I kind of zone out after her first few sentences.
Chris doesn’t seem all that convinced, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting to bone Whitney. He whips it out (the Fantasy Suite card, not his dingaling) and offers Whitney the chance to ride his tractor for the night.
Whitney plays coy, like she’s going to say no, but of course she jumps at the chance to see what Chris is packing under his britches.
They head to a hotel suite (kudos to the producers for not making Whitney bone him in the same tub that Kaitlyn just did).
That’s a lot of pressure for Chris. He spent the day before sweating around Bali, boned Kaitlyn, went swimming and now he has to bone Whitney, knowing that if he sucks in bed she’ll probably eventually sell him out and tell In Touch Weekly.
The next day, Chris manages to remove his, um, horse from Whitney’s stable in time to go meet Becca for their one-on-one date. Becca is still a virgin, and plans to remain that way until marriage, no matter how many condoms the producers throw at her, or how much pressure there is for her and Chris to bang.
They go to see a local village, and they marvel at how “exotic” it all is. (“Poverty-stricken people are so interesting, y’all!”) They use a cell phone to take picture of the kids.
They ask a local wise man if they should stay together, and the dude tells them everything they want to hear. The wise man tells Becca and Chris that they need to bone. Chris licks his lips and Becca giggles uncomfortably. Ew.
They go sit by a stream and Becca tells us that it’s a “make-or-break” kind of night. I think she means “make or break your hymen” kind of night.
Chris takes Broad #3 to the same hotel pool area he took his other dates to. (They did, at least, change the color of the table cloth to make it look slightly different.) Becca is nervous about telling Chris about her being a virgin. Chris is literally shaking in anticipation to get Becca under the sheets. He’s like salivating as she talks about her family and a bunch of other crap he doesn’t care about.
She doesn’t seem too excited about a life of going to tractor pulls and high school football games, and it’s quite obvious, even to Chris.
He tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her and that she may be someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. (Basically I think Chris is willing to take anyone that’s willing to go live in Arlington with him. Even that wise-man guy is looking good at this point.)
Chris then decides to spring the Fantasy Suite card on Becca. She has yet to tell him about her little “unbroken hymen” problem, so she starts to get uncomfortable. She’s worried that if she goes to the Fantasy Suite, she’ll give into temptation and submit herself to a night of unbridled passion with Farmer Boy.
Anyway, Becca tells Chris that she wants to spend time with him…and Chris thinks he’s about to bang his third girl. She still hasn’t told him that she’s a virgin by the time they arrive at the hotel suite. (Are you going to wait until he drops his Fruit of a Looms before you tell him he can’t bang you?!)
She finally sits him down and says the regulatory “I’m falling in love with you” line. She is stalling on telling him her “big news.” Good Lord, she’s acting like she’s going to tell him that she’s a former hooker with genital warts or something. When she tells him that she’s just a virgin he looks relieved…until he realizes that means he’s probably not going to get any tail tonight.
Chris acts like he’s OK with them not having sex, but we all know that’s not the case.
“I’m all in,” Becca says.
I’ll bet Chris wishes he could say the same thing.
We jump to the next morning and have no idea if they had sex or not. Becca’s walking on the beach (perhaps feeling guilty for giving her purity to Farmer Boy?) Chris emerges from the Hump Hunt, loins burning from all of the week’s activities, and says that he’s more confused than ever and doesn’t know who to send home. Because Whitney and Kaitlyn have said that they’ll move to Iowa and Becca hasn’t, he’s considering giving Becca the boot.
Chris is getting all sobby and weird because he can’t keep all three broads around to satisfy his urges. He’s worried that he’ll send the wrong woman home, so he sends for Chris Harrison to get some advice. Chris talks about all of his dates this week, and you know Chris Harrison is just dying to gossip about who “really put it all out there” in the Fantasy Suites.
Chris says he “can tell Becca is a passionate person.” (I think that’s basically code for “She’s good at foreplay.”)
Chris says that he knows one of the girls that he wants to keep, but is still struggling with deciding the second one. Although he doesn’t say it, we pretty much know that he’s trying to decide whether to send Kaitlyn or Becca home, and that Whitney is safe this week.
Chris Harrison is basically no help at all, as per usual.
That afternoon is the rose ceremony so they all go to a temple, which Chris Harrison says is “hallow ground.” There is to be no affection shown in the temple, which kind of kills Chris’ plan of trying to “get it in” one more time before making his choice.
Chris is sighing heavily, acting like he is still unsure about his decision. He pulls Becca out of the rose ceremony, which panics the other girls. Becca uses the time to reveal that she’s “crazy about” Chris and that her feelings are genuine. Becca says she’s willing to “do whatever it takes” to get to the point of being with Chris…except move to Arlington…or have sex…or tell Chris she loves him.
Back at the temple, Kaitlyn and Whitney are pretty sure Chris called Becca aside to give her the boot. They are pretty excited…until Becca (and her virginity) come around the corner and they realize she’s still in the game. The other girls are not happy to see her.
The first rose goes to Whitney, leaving Chris to choose between Kaitlyn and Becca. Everyone’s getting all sweaty until he finally gives the final rose to Becca. Kaitlyn looks pissed, and refuses to say goodbye to Becca, even after she extends her hand to her. Chris leads Kaitlyn out of the temple and she refuses to look at him. (You know she is totally thinking that Becca must have given Chris a quick BJ behind the temple in order to get him to keep her.)
Chris has no way to explain to Kaitlyn why he cut her. He bitches about how hard this has been for him, and she’s just over it. She’s desperately hoping that the Pity Limo will come save her from Chris’ groveling. She has to settle for a Pity Mini Van, but eventually it shows up to shuttle her away from this hot mess.
She hugs him goodbye and leaves in tears. She does, however, remember to put her seatbelt on. (Safety first!) She tells us that this was the most humiliating moment of her whole life and that she’s confused about what happened. Um…you boned some dude you just met while you were being filmed for a TV show and then everyone you know watched you get dumped.
The good news is that they basically gift-wrapped the role of next ‘Bachelorette’ for Kaitlyn. If she isn’t given the job, I’ll be shocked.
Next week, Chris takes Whitney and Becca home to HeeHawVille to meet his folks…and the other 10 people that live in Arlington, Iowa. It should be riveting.
To read The Ashley’s previous recap of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!
I guess you never visit Bali. Dont you know that there are no beggars and street singers in Bali? Because their culture are not allowed people to beg for living. I’ve been 5 times there and I always want to come back there again.
Humping hut. Hosing off his junk. Priceless!
Hysterical recap of a mostly boring episode! Thank you.
Write about Party Down South!!! 🙂
yes please! agreed. you’d have a field day with it!!
Oh The Ashley!!!! I swear these shows would suck without you!!! As I watch the show, I try to guess what you are going to make fun of. You are awesome!!!! You know Kaitlyn went all 50 shades of grey in the fantasy suite!! I think you are correct……Chris would pretty much marry whoever he can get to move to that one horse town!! I can’t even imagine living there for a a WEEK!!! I’m in chicago and Whitney lives in a VERY upscale area near the Gold Coast.. She would sell THAT to move to Iowa??????