By Holly Rasmussen
Welcome to Valdosta, Georgia home of redneck girls and bulls. Over here at The Roundup, we’ve been anxiously awaiting the premiere of Hot GRITS, which takes place in this Southern town! To kick off the episode, we are introduced to the ladies of Valdosta.
First, we meet Hailey and Emily, the two high-maintenance gals of the group. Emily says that she and her boyfriend are the king and queen of Valdosta and that her friends are jealous of her. (How do you even have friends with that attitude?) She also thinks that she and her boyfriend are too good-looking to be living in Valdosta, and that they belong in a town with other good-looking people. Um, move? I’m sure the town of Valdosta would all get together and cheer as you guys left.
Emily likes nice things, and only drink vodka and champagne because, “All I eat is healthy.”
We next hear from Hailey, who describes herself as a Southern girl, but not a country girl. (So, she’s basically saying she’s not a hick, but in a nice way.)
The pregnant girl, Jennifer, shows up. She is married, or should I say re-married, to her high school sweetheart. As her husband put it, “I love this girl so much I married her twice.” Oh, lawd.
Moving on, we meet Bear. I still haven’t been able to confirm if that’s her real name. She’s a model, car drifter and tomboy. She’s been married to her husband, Lion (yessss), for two years. However, Lion’s parents don’t know that Bear and Lion done got hitched.
Next it’s time to get to know Ratchet. She’s a bartender and proud redneck who doesn’t like showering. She also may be an alcoholic.
While she loves Lion and drinking, her greatest love is her hometown.
“I plan on never leaving Valdosta. I was born here, raised here and by God, I’m gonna die here,” she said.
Jenna is outdoorsy and likes to fart. She got married at 19 and was divorced shortly thereafter, so she’s a little afraid of commitment, but does have a boyfriend.
Sarah is the drama-queen of the bunch. She says she’s misunderstood, but don’t all drama queens basically say that? She currently lives with Jenna, Ratchet and her ex-boyfriend, Dewayne. (That’s pronounced Dee-Wayne, in case you’re wondering.) Sarah is trying to kick him out, but he won’t go.
Ratchet tries to invite Hailey and Emily to her cookout. She’s done cooked up a big ol’ batch of deer and coon meat (as you do), but Emily is pretty rude about it. (You pride yourself on being a Southern girl, Emily? Well, southern girls have manners. You don’t have to eat the coon, but you could at least decline politely. You don’t get to type that sentence every day now, do you?) Poor Ratchet.
Sarah’s crazy ex-boyfriend, Dee-Wayne, follows them to the lake and apparently has placed a tracking device on her phone. (Well, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.)
Emily’s boyfriend, J.J. (who looks a lot like Ashton Kutcher) shows up, dry humps Emily and then tells the camera all about their adventurous sex life.
Bear talks to the group about how her husband, Lion, hasn’t told his parents about their marriage because they’re conservative.
Next the girls head to a nightclub, which naturally is located inside a Chinese restaurant. (Hey—you can twerk and then eat some sweet and sour pork…er, coon!)
JJ tells us music is what drives him because you don’t have to talk.
Unfortunately, he’s not all that talented when it comes to dancing. Jenna describes his dance style as looking “like he had diarrhea and tried to walk.” (This description is strangely accurate.) We aren’t completely sure if J.J. is gay or just…”Southern.”(That’s a question you have to ask a lot if you live in the South, trust me.)
Sarah tries to break out of her shell and flirt with some guys but ol’ Dee-Wayne isn’t going to be happy.
The next day the girls head to Ratchet’s house for a raccoon grill-out.
J.J. and Emily head out for a nice dinner with Bear and Lion. (Side note: J.J. is supposed to be high class, but he doesn’t know what kind of cut a filet is?)
J.J. is apparently some kind of model, and Bear is eager to do a photo shoot with him. This pisses Emily off however. Meanwhile, we get to hear J.J.’s laugh. Oh God, that laugh!
The dinner turns quickly. Bear calls Emily out for putting herself on a pedestal and Emily calls Bear out for hooking up with women.
The next day, Ratchet, Sarah and Jenna decide to trick Emily by feeding her a salad with raccoon meat on it. (For some odd reason, Emily comes over in a tube top, skirt and rollers in her hair.) She eats the coon. When Ratchet yells, “Boom! It’s coon,” the blood drains from Emily’s face and she vows to get even.
After that, Sarah throws all of Dee-Wayne’s stuff and his dog on the front yard and waits for him to come home. Emily comes over and tells us how she’s smarter than the rest of the girls, but she doesn’t know humans are mammals…so…
Dee-Wayne arrives, rips off his mic, and stares creepily at her before leaving. (Leaving his stuff and the dog behind.)
That’s it until next week. Will Dee-Wayne come get his dog? Does J.J. have a brain? Will Emily develop a taste for coon? Tune in next week to find out!