Welcome back to Teen Mom OG Land, where the ratings are mediocre and everyone keeps getting knocked up! On the last episode, pregnant Catelynn learned that she was tipping the scales a bit too much for her doctor’s (or Tyler‘s) liking, while Maci revealed that she and her boyfriend
Kyle Taylor were having a baby together (but still not getting married because, well, this is ‘Teen Mom’, y’all! Wedding bells never ring before the contractions start. That’s just madness!)
Anyway, this episode kicks off at Farrah‘s place. Last episode, she (and her mom Deb and dad [Whatever] Michael) came back into our lives and will now be on the show. Deb is in Austin visiting Farrah and Sophia for Christmas, and, as per usual, is getting attitude from Farrah, who is having a friend (aka some random chick MTV probably had to go fetch off the street) over. She tells Deb not to “get in the way” while her special friend is over.
Farrah’s friend, “Paw-hola!” arrives, looking like she came straight from the set of James Deen‘s latest skin flick. She, Farrah and Sophia are going to paint, so Deb scoots out of the room to give them some time alone.
Farrah and “Paw-hola!” chat about how Farrah met some random dude at a charity event and now she loves him. Farrah says this is the only person she has loved since Derek Underwood, Sophia’s late father.
That spurs a series of flashback moments, and we get to see the clip of Deb bitch-slapping Farrah in the car from her 16 and Pregnant episode. (Please, reality gods, let them also show Deb’s classic “Anti-Christ attitude” speech!
Farrah glosses over her p0rn career by calling it a “sex tape scandal.” Um… you let a pro p0rn star obliterate your um, backdoor, on film and then sold it for profit. Then you went on Dr. Phil, pretended to have a pregnancy scare from it, and released a second tape. Surely, that warrants more than just one sentence in a voice-over?!
Over in Indiana, we know something big is about to happen because they are playing that creepy music they play on ‘Catfish’ when they are about to reveal that the girl from the Internet is actually a 400 lb. man named Cyrus who is unlucky in love.
Executive producer Larry arrives at Amber’s house and delivers the big news that Farrah is coming back on the show. Amber takes the news well; in fact, she states that Farrah shouldn’t have been taken off the show, given that Amber was allowed to continue, even though she is a convicted felon. Amber handled the situation like an adult, but is not sure how her co-stars, Catelynn and Maci will react.
Well, we’re about to find out! We head to Michigan, where Executive Producer Dia is telling Catelynn and Tyler. They aren’t surprised that Farrah (and her backdoor) is coming back to the show, in fact, they are hooting around, screaming “We knew it!”
Since they made up with her during the Couples Therapy Reunion, Cate and Ty have no beef with Farrah. They ring up Amber to see what she thinks about the whole thing. They talk about how Amber changed her Gary beatin’, drug takin’ ways, so Farrah may be able to change too. (Well, for starters, stop making plastic replicas of your private parts…)
The show’s “big dog,” Morgan J. Freeman, has been given the difficult task of delivering the Farrah news to Maci, who is undoubtedly going to be the most upset by it. Maci greets Morgan happily, while Taylor stands there (drinking out of a red party cup, naturally) looking like he knows sh*t is about to go down. Morgan tells Maci the news and she instantly gets fire eyes and you can almost see the steam coming out of her ears. (Perhaps that’s actually beer, seeping out?)
Maci is stunned, and tells Morgan that she’s quitting the show if Farrah comes back. Taylor tries to explain that Farrah (and her backdoor) are hurting Maci’s public image as a teen mom, so she’s trying to cut the cord linking them together.
She says that her feelings are hurt and Morgan says he is going to try to convince her to do the show. Maci says nothing he can say will convince her to do the show (although an extra giant check may help!)
Later, Cate and Ty (who have apparently started cattle farming, judging by the B-roll footage used in their clips), have texted Maci to see how she feels, and the producers are saying that Maci has quit the show. Catelynn calls Maci a “diva” and Tyler seems to be welcoming the controversy (and crazy) that Farrah will bring to the show.
(To be fair: The Ashley sides with Maci on this one– not because she thinks Farrah shouldn’t be on the show, but because they did kind of trick the cast. They told them no Farrah, had them shoot half a season, and then sprung it on them that they’d be sharing the spotlight with the Backdoor Queen. Maci, girl, you should’ve put down that beer and read the Season 5 contract thoroughly before signing! You could’ve had a No-Farrah clause!)
Anyway, Catelynn is getting closer to her due date but, unfortunately, can’t stop gaining weight. The doctor told her to only gain 10 more pounds for her entire pregnancy, but she’s actually gained 20 in just the last few weeks! They find out that Cate actually has gestational diabetes, so she has to poke herself to test her glucose levels.
Unfortunately, Tyler has failed to handle Catelynn’s weight problem well. He keeps making insensitive remarks to her about how big she is. Tyler’s sister, Amber, comes over and is shocked by the news that Catelynn has diabetes. (After all, Amber has about 15 kids of her own and never seemed to have that problem.)
Amber did, however, have what she calls “coochie cramps” during some of her pregnancies. Just gonna leave that there…
We next head back over to “Amby’s” house, where Amber is (of course) sitting on her couch. There’s a mystery car outside, so the producer asks who it belongs to. Amber reveals that she’s been hiding a guy from the production crew and that’s his car. He’s not just some rando that’s putting his pony in Amber’s stable every once in a while; she’s actually in love with this dude, and didn’t want to put their early stages of relationship on camera for us ‘Teen Mom OG’ fans to feast on.
Apparently, Gary and Amber’s mom love the new guy. (Wait– if Amber was dating this dude for awhile, why the hell was she considering getting back under Gary until like last episode?)
We get to meet Matt as he is introduced to the camera crew. We find out that they met on “Twitta.” Dear God– Matt has a Barbara Evans-esque Baaahston accent! Is there any way we can get him to say “Jumpa Cables!” and “Fixa flat” on camera?
Matt said that after meeting Amby, Baaahston didn’t feel like home anymore, so he may move to Indiana to be with her. And, “oh yeah, I’m an addict,” he slips in.
Docta Drew‘s head must be EXPLODING right now as he watches this scene!
Matt is also 19 years older than Amber. The producer tries to act like it’s no big deal, but you can tell she totally has been creeped out by the “dirty uncle” vibe Matt’s giving off in this scene.
We head on back to Austin to catch up with Farrah. Farrah’s neighbor, Jeanne, has been given the task of keeping Sophia alive while Farrah gallivants around the country, visiting strip clubs, sex conventions and night clubs (as you do).
Farrah’s stressed, and, to make matters worse, Debra is trying to mooch money to get a face lift! (Nooooo, Deb don’t get rid of your eye bags; they’re like part of the family!)
Debra needs like $8,000 to get her face lifted, and Farrah is going to wire over some of her butt-video money to pay for it. After she agrees to pay for it, Farrah hangs up and tells the producer that if someone can’t afford plastic surgery, they shouldn’t get it. (Farrah, for once, makes a good point. Oooh, that tasted salty coming out of my mouth.)
Farrah says that she works “her ass off” to pay for her own plastic surgery procedures (she means that literally, guys), and that she knows Deb won’t be paying her back for the face-lifting.
Back in Tennessee, Maci ain’t filmin’ so they head over to capture whatever nap Ryan is currently taking. He is at Jen and Larry‘s house, looking slothy and slugging down a Big Gulp. They deliver the news about Farrah to Ryan, and he said that he, too, felt that the producers went behind their backs and did that. Bentley is not around because Maci has forbidden him to be filmed.
Larry, ever the voice of reason, then makes the statement of the century.
“All I do know is that all of y’all have made some poor decisions,” he says of the entire ‘Teen Mom’ cast.
Larry and Tyler’s mom, Kim, are the best people on this damn show. Let’s get them to do a sorta “Regis and Kelly” type talk show. First guest will be Butch (and his prison cell mate, of course), followed by Maci’s ex Kyle, who can talk about how he dodged a damn bullet.
Make it happen, MTV!
Anyway, it’s time for Ryan’s next nap, so he gets up without saying anything to his parents, causing Larry to proclaim that Ryan’s “head is as hard as this table.”
In Indiana, “6 Inch Eyelash Portwood” calls Gary and they decide that Leah will be staying at Amber’s that night, provided that Amber doesn’t send her to school looking “all ghetto” carrying a “Payless bag.”
I’m sorry, what?!
Clearly, Gary is the epitome of high fashion and can’t have his daughter seen in anything but the best clothing. (This is the man that wore the same “Belden Lineman” T-shirt for like eight seasons of this show mind you.) Amber assures Gary that she will not ghetto-fy their daughter, but their conversation quickly turns to a fight.
Later, Gary forbids Amber from seeing Leah because of the way Amber talked to him. Matt wants to talk to Gary and Amber agrees. This should go well…
In Michigan, it’s time for Catelynn’s baby shower. All of the gang is there– April (in her finest fur sweatshirt), Nick, Kim, a baby made out of watermelon (yes). They are all feasting on fried chicken and, although Cate has that pesky diabetes thing to worry about, she’s not letting that stop her from shoveling in the feast of food set before her.
They get a whole bunch of presents, including a few things from Cate’s grandma that were Cate’s when she was little, including her first Bible. (Glad to see that April didn’t hollow that thing out to store her downers in it!)
Cate’s little brother Nick and a few of Amber’s many children have inserted balloons into their shirts to try to look pregnant. (Hey, they must have heard ’16 and Pregnant’ is currently casting and they want to get a piece of that MTV money!) Meanwhile, Cate’s baby shower feast has caused her blood sugar to skyrocket, which puts a damper on the festivities.
The next day, Cate vows to watch what she eats. They are getting ready for Baby Nova’s arrival, since the baby can come any time. Cate’s been having contractions, and finally decides she needs to go to the hospital.
They switch to a hand-held camera, and we get to see Tyler calling Butch in prison to let him know that Cate’s having the baby right now. The rest of the family has gathered, but we don’t get to see Catelynn push the baby out. She chooses to give birth off-camera this time around, but we hear baby Nova crying once she’s born. We get to see footage of Nova once she arrives home.
In Texas, Michael has arrived at Farrahs’ house. He’s trying to act like he doesn’t notice that Deb’s face is shining like a disco ball, thanks to her liquid face lift. Deb, who is living in Seattle, says that she may be moving to Austin.
Later that night, [Whatever] Michael and Farrah go out to dinner and they talk about how they didn’t get along while they were living together. Michael brings up that Deb is planning to move into Farrah’s home (which should really be shaped like a giant set of buttchecks, right?) very soon.
“I don’t need to be supporting my parents,” Farrah says, while rolling her eyes.
Farrah goes over to her neighbor Jeanne’s house to get advice on how to keep Deb from moving in with her. Jeanne, who looks like she’s gone about 400 rounds with the Botox doctor herself, prays with Farrah to have a better relationship with Deb.
The next day, Deb is helping Farrah hang her clothes up in her giant closet, and explains that she wants to move to Austin. Farrah makes it clear that she doesn’t want Debra living in her house, and that Debra needs to get her life together. Farrah’s harsh words make Debra cry.
Over in Tennessee, Ryan’s out on the town (well out on the porch), talking to his friend Nick. Ryan has broken up with Shelby and declares, “I probably don’t even have no game no more. (Spit.)”
Ryan’s tired of talking about Maci, but the producers keep insisting that he discuss her. Ryan actually agrees with Maci on the Farrah issue– he says he doesn’t blame her for not wanting to do this “MTV filmin’ show” and be associated with someone who sells “flesh-like objects of her butt and vagina” and does p0rnography.
“She’s nasty dude, she’s got no morals,” he says of Farrah before hooting down to the females walking on the street below him.
Meanwhile, Gary and Matt meet up to discuss some issues. Afterward, Matt reveals to Amber that he gave his “apahhhhtment” away so he is technically homeless now. He’s just decided that Amber’s house is now his house, apparently, and he is going to stay. Hey— at least Debra asked Farrah before she moved in!
Next week, we will watch Amber’s relationship with Matt progress and Maci realize that a big MTV paycheck is worth putting up with Farrah and her plastic vaginas.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!