Welcome back to Teen Mom OG Land, where the ratings are mediocre and everyone keeps getting knocked up! On the last episode, pregnant Catelynn learned that she was tipping the scales a bit too much for her doctor’s (or Tyler‘s) liking, while Maci revealed that she and her boyfriend
Kyle Taylor were having a baby together (but still not getting married because, well, this is ‘Teen Mom’, y’all! Wedding bells never ring before the contractions start. That’s just madness!)
Anyway, this episode kicks off at Farrah‘s place. Last episode, she (and her mom Deb and dad [Whatever] Michael) came back into our lives and will now be on the show. Deb is in Austin visiting Farrah and Sophia for Christmas, and, as per usual, is getting attitude from Farrah, who is having a friend (aka some random chick MTV probably had to go fetch off the street) over. She tells Deb not to “get in the way” while her special friend is over.
Farrah’s friend, “Paw-hola!” arrives, looking like she came straight from the set of James Deen‘s latest skin flick. She, Farrah and Sophia are going to paint, so Deb scoots out of the room to give them some time alone.
Farrah and “Paw-hola!” chat about how Farrah met some random dude at a charity event and now she loves him. Farrah says this is the only person she has loved since Derek Underwood, Sophia’s late father.
That spurs a series of flashback moments, and we get to see the clip of Deb bitch-slapping Farrah in the car from her 16 and Pregnant episode. (Please, reality gods, let them also show Deb’s classic “Anti-Christ attitude” speech!
Farrah glosses over her p0rn career by calling it a “sex tape scandal.” Um… you let a pro p0rn star obliterate your um, backdoor, on film and then sold it for profit. Then you went on Dr. Phil, pretended to have a pregnancy scare from it, and released a second tape. Surely, that warrants more than just one sentence in a voice-over?!
Over in Indiana, we know something big is about to happen because they are playing that creepy music they play on ‘Catfish’ when they are about to reveal that the girl from the Internet is actually a 400 lb. man named Cyrus who is unlucky in love.
Executive producer Larry arrives at Amber’s house and delivers the big news that Farrah is coming back on the show. Amber takes the news well; in fact, she states that Farrah shouldn’t have been taken off the show, given that Amber was allowed to continue, even though she is a convicted felon. Amber handled the situation like an adult, but is not sure how her co-stars, Catelynn and Maci will react.
Well, we’re about to find out! We head to Michigan, where Executive Producer Dia is telling Catelynn and Tyler. They aren’t surprised that Farrah (and her backdoor) is coming back to the show, in fact, they are hooting around, screaming “We knew it!”
Since they made up with her during the Couples Therapy Reunion, Cate and Ty have no beef with Farrah. They ring up Amber to see what she thinks about the whole thing. They talk about how Amber changed her Gary beatin’, drug takin’ ways, so Farrah may be able to change too. (Well, for starters, stop making plastic replicas of your private parts…)
The show’s “big dog,” Morgan J. Freeman, has been given the difficult task of delivering the Farrah news to Maci, who is undoubtedly going to be the most upset by it. Maci greets Morgan happily, while Taylor stands there (drinking out of a red party cup, naturally) looking like he knows sh*t is about to go down. Morgan tells Maci the news and she instantly gets fire eyes and you can almost see the steam coming out of her ears. (Perhaps that’s actually beer, seeping out?)
Maci is stunned, and tells Morgan that she’s quitting the show if Farrah comes back. Taylor tries to explain that Farrah (and her backdoor) are hurting Maci’s public image as a teen mom, so she’s trying to cut the cord linking them together.
She says that her feelings are hurt and Morgan says he is going to try to convince her to do the show. Maci says nothing he can say will convince her to do the show (although an extra giant check may help!)
Later, Cate and Ty (who have apparently started cattle farming, judging by the B-roll footage used in their clips), have texted Maci to see how she feels, and the producers are saying that Maci has quit the show. Catelynn calls Maci a “diva” and Tyler seems to be welcoming the controversy (and crazy) that Farrah will bring to the show.
(To be fair: The Ashley sides with Maci on this one– not because she thinks Farrah shouldn’t be on the show, but because they did kind of trick the cast. They told them no Farrah, had them shoot half a season, and then sprung it on them that they’d be sharing the spotlight with the Backdoor Queen. Maci, girl, you should’ve put down that beer and read the Season 5 contract thoroughly before signing! You could’ve had a No-Farrah clause!)
Anyway, Catelynn is getting closer to her due date but, unfortunately, can’t stop gaining weight. The doctor told her to only gain 10 more pounds for her entire pregnancy, but she’s actually gained 20 in just the last few weeks! They find out that Cate actually has gestational diabetes, so she has to poke herself to test her glucose levels.
Unfortunately, Tyler has failed to handle Catelynn’s weight problem well. He keeps making insensitive remarks to her about how big she is. Tyler’s sister, Amber, comes over and is shocked by the news that Catelynn has diabetes. (After all, Amber has about 15 kids of her own and never seemed to have that problem.)
Amber did, however, have what she calls “coochie cramps” during some of her pregnancies. Just gonna leave that there…
We next head back over to “Amby’s” house, where Amber is (of course) sitting on her couch. There’s a mystery car outside, so the producer asks who it belongs to. Amber reveals that she’s been hiding a guy from the production crew and that’s his car. He’s not just some rando that’s putting his pony in Amber’s stable every once in a while; she’s actually in love with this dude, and didn’t want to put their early stages of relationship on camera for us ‘Teen Mom OG’ fans to feast on.
Apparently, Gary and Amber’s mom love the new guy. (Wait– if Amber was dating this dude for awhile, why the hell was she considering getting back under Gary until like last episode?)
We get to meet Matt as he is introduced to the camera crew. We find out that they met on “Twitta.” Dear God– Matt has a Barbara Evans-esque Baaahston accent! Is there any way we can get him to say “Jumpa Cables!” and “Fixa flat” on camera?
Matt said that after meeting Amby, Baaahston didn’t feel like home anymore, so he may move to Indiana to be with her. And, “oh yeah, I’m an addict,” he slips in.
Docta Drew‘s head must be EXPLODING right now as he watches this scene!
Matt is also 19 years older than Amber. The producer tries to act like it’s no big deal, but you can tell she totally has been creeped out by the “dirty uncle” vibe Matt’s giving off in this scene.
We head on back to Austin to catch up with Farrah. Farrah’s neighbor, Jeanne, has been given the task of keeping Sophia alive while Farrah gallivants around the country, visiting strip clubs, sex conventions and night clubs (as you do).
Farrah’s stressed, and, to make matters worse, Debra is trying to mooch money to get a face lift! (Nooooo, Deb don’t get rid of your eye bags; they’re like part of the family!)
Debra needs like $8,000 to get her face lifted, and Farrah is going to wire over some of her butt-video money to pay for it. After she agrees to pay for it, Farrah hangs up and tells the producer that if someone can’t afford plastic surgery, they shouldn’t get it. (Farrah, for once, makes a good point. Oooh, that tasted salty coming out of my mouth.)
Farrah says that she works “her ass off” to pay for her own plastic surgery procedures (she means that literally, guys), and that she knows Deb won’t be paying her back for the face-lifting.
Back in Tennessee, Maci ain’t filmin’ so they head over to capture whatever nap Ryan is currently taking. He is at Jen and Larry‘s house, looking slothy and slugging down a Big Gulp. They deliver the news about Farrah to Ryan, and he said that he, too, felt that the producers went behind their backs and did that. Bentley is not around because Maci has forbidden him to be filmed.
Larry, ever the voice of reason, then makes the statement of the century.
“All I do know is that all of y’all have made some poor decisions,” he says of the entire ‘Teen Mom’ cast.
Larry and Tyler’s mom, Kim, are the best people on this damn show. Let’s get them to do a sorta “Regis and Kelly” type talk show. First guest will be Butch (and his prison cell mate, of course), followed by Maci’s ex Kyle, who can talk about how he dodged a damn bullet.
Make it happen, MTV!
Anyway, it’s time for Ryan’s next nap, so he gets up without saying anything to his parents, causing Larry to proclaim that Ryan’s “head is as hard as this table.”
In Indiana, “6 Inch Eyelash Portwood” calls Gary and they decide that Leah will be staying at Amber’s that night, provided that Amber doesn’t send her to school looking “all ghetto” carrying a “Payless bag.”
I’m sorry, what?!
Clearly, Gary is the epitome of high fashion and can’t have his daughter seen in anything but the best clothing. (This is the man that wore the same “Belden Lineman” T-shirt for like eight seasons of this show mind you.) Amber assures Gary that she will not ghetto-fy their daughter, but their conversation quickly turns to a fight.
Later, Gary forbids Amber from seeing Leah because of the way Amber talked to him. Matt wants to talk to Gary and Amber agrees. This should go well…
In Michigan, it’s time for Catelynn’s baby shower. All of the gang is there– April (in her finest fur sweatshirt), Nick, Kim, a baby made out of watermelon (yes). They are all feasting on fried chicken and, although Cate has that pesky diabetes thing to worry about, she’s not letting that stop her from shoveling in the feast of food set before her.
They get a whole bunch of presents, including a few things from Cate’s grandma that were Cate’s when she was little, including her first Bible. (Glad to see that April didn’t hollow that thing out to store her downers in it!)
Cate’s little brother Nick and a few of Amber’s many children have inserted balloons into their shirts to try to look pregnant. (Hey, they must have heard ’16 and Pregnant’ is currently casting and they want to get a piece of that MTV money!) Meanwhile, Cate’s baby shower feast has caused her blood sugar to skyrocket, which puts a damper on the festivities.
The next day, Cate vows to watch what she eats. They are getting ready for Baby Nova’s arrival, since the baby can come any time. Cate’s been having contractions, and finally decides she needs to go to the hospital.
They switch to a hand-held camera, and we get to see Tyler calling Butch in prison to let him know that Cate’s having the baby right now. The rest of the family has gathered, but we don’t get to see Catelynn push the baby out. She chooses to give birth off-camera this time around, but we hear baby Nova crying once she’s born. We get to see footage of Nova once she arrives home.
In Texas, Michael has arrived at Farrahs’ house. He’s trying to act like he doesn’t notice that Deb’s face is shining like a disco ball, thanks to her liquid face lift. Deb, who is living in Seattle, says that she may be moving to Austin.
Later that night, [Whatever] Michael and Farrah go out to dinner and they talk about how they didn’t get along while they were living together. Michael brings up that Deb is planning to move into Farrah’s home (which should really be shaped like a giant set of buttchecks, right?) very soon.
“I don’t need to be supporting my parents,” Farrah says, while rolling her eyes.
Farrah goes over to her neighbor Jeanne’s house to get advice on how to keep Deb from moving in with her. Jeanne, who looks like she’s gone about 400 rounds with the Botox doctor herself, prays with Farrah to have a better relationship with Deb.
The next day, Deb is helping Farrah hang her clothes up in her giant closet, and explains that she wants to move to Austin. Farrah makes it clear that she doesn’t want Debra living in her house, and that Debra needs to get her life together. Farrah’s harsh words make Debra cry.
Over in Tennessee, Ryan’s out on the town (well out on the porch), talking to his friend Nick. Ryan has broken up with Shelby and declares, “I probably don’t even have no game no more. (Spit.)”
Ryan’s tired of talking about Maci, but the producers keep insisting that he discuss her. Ryan actually agrees with Maci on the Farrah issue– he says he doesn’t blame her for not wanting to do this “MTV filmin’ show” and be associated with someone who sells “flesh-like objects of her butt and vagina” and does p0rnography.
“She’s nasty dude, she’s got no morals,” he says of Farrah before hooting down to the females walking on the street below him.
Meanwhile, Gary and Matt meet up to discuss some issues. Afterward, Matt reveals to Amber that he gave his “apahhhhtment” away so he is technically homeless now. He’s just decided that Amber’s house is now his house, apparently, and he is going to stay. Hey— at least Debra asked Farrah before she moved in!
Next week, we will watch Amber’s relationship with Matt progress and Maci realize that a big MTV paycheck is worth putting up with Farrah and her plastic vaginas.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!
Can we talk about the SERIOUS revisionist history going on with Farrah’s story about Derrick? She never even told him she was pregnant because they were broken up and she kind of acted like she hated him. I guess that’s typical Farrah, though, extract sympathy and pity anyway you can.
I noticed that too, she tries to paint a different picture of the past. She talks like they were in love and would still be together if he was here, but she wasn’t too bothered about him on 16 and pregnant.
I would so watch the Kim and Larry show! Butch can be a regular guest! God, I know I say it every week but I have to say it again: your recaps are the best. “I will need a tranquilizer to get through the reunion.” Oh Dr. Drew! It’s not like you do any real counselling anyway.
all of them are losers and boring. My prediction is this will be the last season for these ‘teen mothers’! I hope they are really trying to better themselves now, and get jobs. They are all sitting in their respective towns/cities on bended knees hoping for good ratings, but it won’t come. That’s why they are airing Jersey Shore reruns right before the show comes on, in hopes of getting some nostalgia viewers, it won’t work!
How many kids does Tyler’s sister have?
I think she only has 2
Every time when in see Farrah she reminds me of Amy Fisher.The facelifts,the porn etcetera.Farrah is the young version of
OMG you are so right! I never thought of that!
Maci used to be my favourite. I always knew she was a bit spoiled, since she has a well off family, but I never realized she was a snob. She thinks she is too good to be on a show with Farrah, but a convicted drug addict is just fine. Where does she get off judging people like that? All four have their own stories. In real life, where teen moms are not paid by MTV, I’m sure that many young women have been forced to strip, do porn and even prostitute themselves in order to feed their children and pay the bills. Farrah is way too thirsty for my taste, but she has a right to have her story told just as much as Maci does. Anyone who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to watch.
Maybe because the felon actually changed her life around and Farrah just keeps getting worse and worse.
“In real life, where teen moms are not paid by MTV, I’m sure that many young women have been forced to strip, do porn and even prostitute themselves in order to feed their children and pay the bills.”
You’re right, and I’ve never thought of it like that. I think that because of the way we demonize female sexuality and the sex trade, we expect Farrah to be entirely apologetic for her porn, and we want her to have not been monetarily successful as some sort of punishment for going against the cultural norm.
You have allways a choice,no one has to be a prostitute or pornstar.There a more jobs to do.Okay they not all pay that much and easy,but you must say to youself i am to good to be a whore.I rather flip burgers at Mc.Donalds than go that low.Even not for a million dollar!
There are plenty of people with learning disabilities, mental illness or are otherwise inclined to do sex work because they like it. Just because someone doesn’t harbour puritanical inhibitions doesn’t make them a bad person. What makes Farrah a bad is person is her asshole personality.
Deb: “I’ve had the same job for damn near 30 years!”
Farrah: “And how many years ago was 30 years?!”
She’s so stupid she gives me Forest Whittaker eye.
She meant how many years ago did the 30 year period end? As in Deb had a job for 30 years straight but had been doing nothing for the last 3 years.
Exactly, what Farrah said made perfect sense. I was kind of impressed with the level of that bur, and Debra’s face was so perfect. Gotcha!
Deb’s face was priceless when Farrah said that.
Maci has the right to make a decision based on what she thinks is in her child’s best interest. Nobody should question that regardless of whether you agree with her reasoning or not.
Not taking a side here.
But, if you sell yourself for a paycheck on a reality show, you pretty much put yourself out to judged.
Reality tv and selling yourself on Porn are a big bit different
Two things made me rewind the DVR in this episode:
1. Ryan saying Farrah was nasty and had no morals. It made me want to tell him pot meet kettle (since like Larry said everyone on the show has made bad decisions) and it also made me a little glad to see that Ryan had some standards.
2. Hearing Farrah say she works her as off. My first thought was yeah literally, my second thought was is she being funny. I just couldn’t take that argument seriously after she said that.
Yeah, but did you see he twittered the Butt Porn Queen asking her to contact him? Guess she isn’t THAT nasty after all, huh?
Love the Ryan nap references. So funny!
I have to admit, Ryan’s dig at a Farrah was glorious!! Farrah is disgusting, not just based on her “projects.” But just overall, she is horrible!
Oh, and I’m sticking true to my word about fast forwarding through Farrah’s segment, which is fine because apparently I’m not missing much.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Matt is more greasy and disgusting than Gary. he is so obviously a user. Seriously, Amber has the most personal growth on this show but she still can’t pick a boyfriend for shit.
I didn’t get that impression at all. Matt seems like a good guy to me.
He dumped his apartment and just decided to live with Amber without really giving her a choice, after only knowing her for about a month.
Yeah, real nice guy.
Oh, and he for real needs a shower.
He was a huge teen mom fan and would criticize all the girls, including Amber. He started doing that when the show started, so he’s clearly just on this for the fame. Disgusting.
He was up Jenelle’s ass quite a bit. I remember that little part of his herstory.
Personally, I like Matt…Amber seems so happy now
Why is Gary wearing serial killer glasses?
Maybe he’s wearing them ‘ironically’? Didn’t work though.
He is just over the top ridiculous
Matt 100% gave me the creeps. I was so uncomfortable watching him
Larry and Jen are just the best, and Kim is great too.
I’m really surprised anyone in Amby’s family likes that guy. It seems like he’s using her. Hopefully Bubby tells her that this is a bad idea.
I’ve never heard Rhine talk as much as he did in this episode. He was so alert!
Wait, is it “Rhine” or “Rahhhn”? It’s hard to tell.
Neither… It’s (prepare the baby whiny voice) Rhiiiiiiine