The Ashley had some downtime, so she decided to tackle recapping the latest episode of Teen Mom OG now instead of waiting until the end of the week. On last week’s episode, Maci quit the show (for like a day), Farrah managed to treat everyone that came in contact with her like crap, and Amber got a new man, fell in love and moved in with him. Oh, yeah, and Catelynn crapped out a kid. So…business as usual in the ‘Teen Mom’ world!
This episode kicks off at the International House of Amber, where pancakes are being served and Amber’s new dude is trying to convince Amber’s daughter, Leah, that it’s perfectly normal that he met, moved in with and is considering marrying her mother, all in about a month. “Where did you come from?” Leah asks him. (Kid, that’s what we’re all saying too!)
Matt tells Leah that he’s planning on proposing to her mother, and Leah is totally treating him like her kitchen boy, making him clean up after her and bossing him around.
Later, Leah goes home, but a bunch of the Portwood crew is coming over to feast on whatever type of “Helper” Amber is making. After the meat by-product has been dished out, Amber, Matt and her family all sit down to chat about their blossoming relationship.
Amber’s family is worried about how fast Amber and Matt are moving in their relationship. Even “Bubby” (Amber’s unfortunately nicknamed brother) is concerned. Amber’s mom, Tonya, seems to be OK with Matt dating her daughter, until he messes up (i.e. steals her car and/or knocks her up.)
Over in Austin, Farrah’s shuttling Sophia off to school/whatever neighbor is watching her so that she can do a paid appearance at a Vegas nightclub. (We can’t be sure if this is a nightclub where everyone dances, or just “certain” girls dance, if you get my drift.)
Farrah drops off Sophia and asks her for a goodbye kiss. Sophia stays at a safe distance and blows Farrah a kiss instead of actually touching her with her lips. (Who can blame the kid?! We all saw where Farrah’s mouth has been!)
After Sophia has been safely disposed of, Farrah jets to Vegas, where the nightclub has a bunch of weird [sex?] toys waiting for her in her hotel room. There’s a mini donkey pinata (Dear God, I don’t even want to know what she’s gonna do with that thing!), a giant lollipop and some sort of big stick-looking object. I’m scared.
Of course, as soon as Farrah arrives in Vegas, she gets a call from someone asking her if she and her mom, Debra, would be interested in doing a new reality show about family counseling. Do Farrah and Debra want to do a reality show? Um…that’s like asking Gary Shirley if he wants pizza. The answer is always, always yes.
(By the way, The Ashley has all of the details regarding this new “family counseling” reality show and will be posting about it soon!)
Farrah Face(lift)-Times Deb to ask about the reality show. Debra jumps at the chance to go. They have to go to LA to start filming very soon, but since Deb’s schedule isn’t exactly jam-packed these days, it won’t be a problem.
In Tennessee, Maci is still pouting about sharing the screen with Farrah and her plastic vaginas, so she isn’t filming. This means that we are seeing more of Jen and Larry (Yay!) and Ryan (Boo!) than ever before. Unfortunately, MTV arrives and Ryan has gone MIA, or “down…the…road” as his Mom says, and is not there to film. Since Bentley isn’t allowed to film anymore, the only people to film are Jen and Larry. While The Ashley thinks that filming them would be much more exciting than watching Ryan yawn, MTV disagrees.
All of a sudden, Maci arrives and the producer tells the camera crew not to film Maci. (Oh, come on…)
Maci, however, is OK with being filmed, and announces that she’s coming back to the show.
She tells the crew that she will come back on the show but Bentley will not because she doesn’t want a six-year-old sharing the episode with Farrah and her backdoor hijinks.
Maci and Taylor sit down with Ryan’s parents (Taylor has a beer and Maci is probably majorly jonesing for a brewsky– drat this pregnancy!) All of a sudden, Ryan sloths his way into the house, drinking a Big Gulp. He basically just ignores everyone that’s there. Finally he asks Maci if she would still be on the show with him if he made a sexy time movie.
Sorry, Ry, but there’s not really much of a market for naptime p0rn.
They all giggle at the thought of Ryan and Taylor posing for Playgirl in a sort of “Maci’s Baby Daddies” spread. I just….can’t….
Finally, we check in with Catelynn and Tyler, who are adjusting to their first days as parents to Baby Nova. They are at first filming the baby with a handheld camera, but the MTV crew soon arrives to get official footage. They talk about how different their lives would have been if they had kept Carly.
Later, Cate tells her Grandma how hard it would have been to raise newborn Carly at Casa de April and Butch, as a 16-year-old. She also makes it clear that Nova is “not a replacement child for Carly.” Maybe Grandma will crochet Nova a quilt that says that?
Back in Indiana, Cousin Krystle is visiting Amber. She’s brought her litter of kids with her and is giving Amber weird looks. (Perhaps she’s just disappointed that this filmed meeting took place at Amber’s home instead of a restaurant, nail salon or go-karting attraction?)
Krystle is actually acting strange because she thinks Amber and Matt’s relationship is weird. (OK, so, you’re getting the Creepy Uncle vibe from him too, Krystle?)
The next day, Matt and Amber head over to Betty’s Diner (which seems like the place that they’d serve bacon-wrapped bacon dogs with bacon bits crumbled over it) to talk about their life together. Apparently, the smell of Betty’s runny eggs must have gotten Matt feeling romantic because he’s decided that he’s going to pop the question to Amber right here in Betty’s Diner! (Come on buddy, even Gary did a better job of proposing! At least he took Amber to the beach!)
After telling Amber that they are both “grotesque and lazy,” he starts off his proposal by reminding Amber how much “messed up sh*t” they have done in their lives. He then busts out a ring and proposes. Amber accepts, and says that this is the first proposal that she’s actually taken seriously. (I guess Gary’s Walmart ring proposal wasn’t exactly every girl’s dream, but ouch! Poor Gary!)
In Michigan, Tyler sends a side-by-side photo comparison of Nova and Carly’s newborn pics to BrandonandTeresa. Teresa has sent over some of Carly’s baby things for them to give to Nova, which they appreciate. However, Tyler is concerned that Teresa has not yet responded to any of his texts, even the picture comparison text.
Cate decides to call Teresa to thank her for the gifts. Teresa expresses love for Nova, which makes Ty and Cate feel better.
Meanwhile, Farrah is waiting for her boyfriend, Simon, to arrive in Vegas. She’s Face-timing him while the producers are in her hotel room, but that doesn’t stop Farrah from TMI-ing so that we all throw up.
“I’m going to kiss you, hug you and f**k you,” she tells Simon, all while also talking to him with the same annoying baby talk she uses with Sophia. (And we thought Matt was creepy–nope, this takes the cake!)
Farrah is nervous that Simon will have to meet Debra when they go to Los Angeles. Simon gets along well with Farrah’s other family members, particularly Sophia, who is asking Farrah if Simon is basically the new “Daddy Derek.” (Her words, not mine!) At the mention of Derek’s name, Farrah breaks down into ugly-cry, which lightens the mood (but does not make me feel any less queasy).
Farrah is worried that any guy that she dates will “f**k up” her future. Well, Farrah, no need to worry about that, you’re doing an A-plus job all on your own, girl! The scene ends with Farrah sobbing over a piece of cucumber.
Over at Maci’s place, we get to watch Maci and her friend shovel salad into their gullets, while discussing why Taylor won’t “put a ring on it” even though he “put a baby in it.” Maci says that she wanted to get married before getting knocked up but, hey, there’s nothing you can do about getting pregnant!
The next day, Maci, who is five months pregnant, finds out that she’s having a girl. They have a sonogram appointment, but Tyler has an important beer appointment to get to. (Hey– it’s afternoon and no beer has passed through Taylor’s lips– WTF?)
Taylor tells his friends that he is thinking about proposing to Maci since her grandparents are thinking that she’s a great big ol’ slut for having two kids out of wedlock by two different guys. He says that he’d like to propose before the baby comes in about four months.
At dinner that night, Maci is in a mood. Taylor tells Maci that he wants to move into a bigger house, now that the baby is coming. He says that their current house is so small (one bathroom– the horror!) Maci is opposed to it because she doesn’t want to settle on any old house. Um…you are a 24-year-old with no job. The fact that you guys can afford any house is a miracle.
Maci then brings up them getting married, and Taylor tells Maci that he already feels like they’re married, since she bitches “like a married woman.”
In Vegas, Simon finally arrives, and luckily we are spared having to watch Farrah kiss/hug/f**k him. They sit on the bed and discuss how Simon likes going to the parties that Farrah takes him to. Farrah likes Simon because he doesn’t look at her the way everyone else does, and Simon doesn’t mind that his girlfriend is known for getting her backdoor ripped apart by James Deen.
After a few more nauseating scenes, Farrah is getting made up to appear at the Vegas club. She tells her hair and makeup guys that she feels that Simon is “the one.” She takes him to the club appearance and they do a paparazzi shoot together. The club appearance is almost as sickening as Farrah’s baby talk. The other club dancers are holding letter signs that spell out “Farrah.” (Seriously, how crappy do you have to feel if you are assigned the job of holding the “H” sign to honor freaking Farrah Abraham? That’s rough.)
Afterward, Farrah asks Simon if he wants to meet her “Crazy Mom” Debra in Los Angeles. Simon agrees, stating that he will meet Deb if Farrah’s fine with it.
“Oh, I’m fine with everything,” Farrah says.
We know, Farrah…we know…
Farrah and Simon charter a helicopter from Vegas to LA (as you do) and fit in a few minutes to talk to Sophia on the phone. Later, Deb arrives at the hotel, literally wearing a rhinestone necklace fit for the ninth grade prom.
“If I had known I was going to meet you, I would have dressed up!” Deb tells Simon.
They pour some wine and start talking about Simon’s work and the new reality show, all while Farrah rolls her eyes at everything Deb says. They toast to more reality TV fame and Simon seems thoroughly freaked out. Job well done, guys!
At Amber’s place, Tonya arrives to find Amber and Matt sitting on the couch (of course). Amber jokes with her mom that she’s pregnant, and Tonya freaks out. Amber then tells her mom not to worry, she’s not pregnant; she’s actually just marrying a really old dude she just met.Phew.
Amber says that she and Matt are heading to Vegas soon to have a sort of “off parole party” for Amber. (Come on guys– now you’re just making it too easy for The Ashley.) Tonya and Matt realizes that, at 43, Tonya is only four years older than Matt.
Nope, not creepy at all…
Not everyone is thrilled about the engagement. “Bubby” is upset that Amber and Matt’s relationship has only lasted a few weeks, and is worried that Matt is just after money or fame. Amber denies that Matt is in it for the wrong reasons and promises “Bubby” that she won’t get married right away. You can tell, however, that she’s not thrilled at having to put the nuptials on hold.
Next week is a “very special episode” of ‘Teen Mom OG.” The Ashley can hardly wait!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!