TLC Airs Another Terrible Special: Recap of ‘Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage’

When it's not your turn to talk, you just stare lovingly at your husband, apparently.
When it’s not your turn to talk, you just stare lovingly at your husband, apparently.

By Holly Rasmussen

TLC’s much-talked-about special, The Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage, made its debut last night and had the Internet’s feminist buzzing! The show followed the lives of three couples. The first two couples, Tim and Tara Furman and Eddie and Autumn Miles, have been living the submissive lifestyle for years. The third couple, Mark and Kristin Haywood is attempting the submissive lifestyle in an attempt to save their dying marriage.

The episode starts out with a doozy of a quote by Tara.

“Submission is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to women,” she says. “I have a joyful home because I’m a submissive wife.”

TLC knew that hit the ratings jackpot when they signed this lady.

“Her job description is to serve her man, help her man, submit to her man, and sleep with her man,” Tara says of the typical submissive wife.

"Can I do anything for you, honey? Pop your zits? Shave your back?"
“Can I do anything for you, honey? Pop your zits? Shave your back?”

Tim and Tara have a 14-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. [You know those poor kids are getting mercilessly mocked at school now that this hot mess has aired.] According to Tim, it’s disrespectful for a woman to try to lead the home. They discussed how they didn’t have a good marriage for the first 10 years, until Tara saw the light and became a submissive wife.

Throughout the special, Tara laid some “awesome” marriage advice on us.

One of her gems: “Any woman out there in America, if her husband is grumpy she needs to ask herself when was the last time I slept with my man. It’s wrong to deprive my husband of sex. So, I’m always available. Even if I’m not in the mood.”

Next up, we meet the couple that is struggling in their marriage, Kristin and Mark. Kristin says joining the submissive lifestyle was her idea, but it doesn’t seem like she’s really into it. [Maybe she just wanted to be on TV?]

Kristin met Tara six years ago, so they’re going to meet with Tara and Mark to learn more about the submissive lifestyle. The men go off to golf and the women sit down to talk submission.

We learn that Kristin and Mark aren’t sleeping in the same room anymore. Of course, Tara doesn’t approve of that. She basically tells Kristin that doing whatever her husband wants is her “job description.”

Ladies, raise your hand if you had to refrain from punching your TV screen during this scene?

"We're just here for the paycheck."
“We’re just here for the paycheck.”

Next, we meet Autumn and Eddie. They also have a 9-year-old and a 6-year-old. Autumn said she met Eddie when she was recently divorced and in college. She says she was mistreated in her previous marriage, but is now in a “healthy biblical marriage.”

She says she comes from a very long line of submissive wives. Blah, blah, blah, you’re not as interesting as crazy Tara. Let’s get back to her.

Tara tells us how she meets Tim at the door every day. [Um…like a dog? Does she fetch his slippers too?] Tara tells us that if Tim comes home grumpy [what does this man have to be grumpy about?! He has a free maid, sex servant and cook!], she has to wonder when the last time his “love tank was filled” because, “a man’s testicles begin to hurt if there’s not a release.”

Well, okay. Her poor kids are never going to hear the end of that one.

Next, Tara goes to Kristin’s house to give her some radical submissive wife advice. Tara tells Kristin she needs to be having hot sex with her man.

“Grab his butt. Girl, you gotta be showing the goods and dressing like a hoochie momma. It doesn’t matter how you feel, you’ve gotta suck it up and do it anyway,” Tara says.

Unlike Tara and Kristin, Autumn does have a sort-of-job outside of her home. She does a radio show at a local station. Luckily, the gig is only once a week, so she has plenty of time to be home, tending to her husband’s blue balls.

Clearly, the submissive lifestyle has made them much happier.
Clearly, the submissive lifestyle has made them much happier.

Later, Kristin is trying to submit. She tells us she put different clothes on than her normal sweats and put more of an effort into her appearance. She does this, mind you, while wearing overalls. Really? Overalls? I’d think sweats would actually be sexier. Tara will be so disappointed. Kristin’s husband said he was surprised to see his wife “all dressed up.” Really? I guess nothing says romance like Osh Kosh B’Gosh.

Next, we meet the best person on this show, Mark’s mother, Jean Anne. She looks like she could have been a witch in a past life. She’s rocking dark eyeliner and scraggly gray hair and is clearly not into the doormat wife lifestyle.

“What in the wide world is Kristin doing here? I’ve never heard of such,” Jean Anne says.

The show ends with Kristin being a good submissive wife and Mark rewarding her by taking her on a trip. Maybe next time, he can reward her with an extra-long walk and a doggy treat.

Please, TLC, do not even think about turning this into a full-time reality series! On her Facebook and Twitter pages, Tara is currently encouraging people to comment to TLC to try to get ‘Submissive Wives’ picked up as a full-time series, which is apparently something the network is considering.

[Photos: TLC]


12 Responses

  1. any feminist taking this program seriously please understand, it is not aimed at you,it is just a sexual fantasy for me and every other sad middle aged man in the western world:-)

  2. I love how the author tries to make it seem so wrong by bringing the kids into it. If children who have same sex parents are making it in school, Im sure these kids will too.

  3. I enjoyed this show. My relationship with my husband is even stronger now. A man is a man…..make him feel like one!!!

  4. I used to be a Christian, until I realized that I don’t actually like being told to be subservient to anyone. How do these people think this is okay? I’m now a happy atheist.

  5. Seriously this network is run by morons – 20th century stepford wives.. and someone clearly thought this was a good enough idea to use money to film it!

  6. I started watching with my husband today and had to turn it off. I can usually sit through these hot messes, but not this one. My husband almost got a punch in the face for joking about the “it’s in the bible to take care of your man”. Yuck, yuck, yuck. He can fetch his own after work snack… #thankyouverymuch.

  7. I only made it through ten minutes before I started ranting and raving at the television. My husband and I just kept staring at each other in disbelief.

  8. Ugh…

    Thanks for taking one for the team. Teen Mom (1 & 2) are as trashy as I want my TV watching to be. I’m glad I missed this one.

  9. I almost died when Tara said a man’s balls need to be drained, or whatever, because they start to hurt! Died!

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