Welcome to Day 2 of the two-day premiere of The Bachelorette, starring Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Niilson. ABC designs these horrible two-day premieres in an attempt to kill The Ashley. Mercifully, this episode was only an hour, unlike the two-hour trash-heap of an episode the night before.
Anyway, the episode starts out by getting right to the point. It’s time for Chris Harrison to announce which one of these lovely ladies will be getting fawned all over by a bunch of guys (not to mention be awarded with fame and free trips), and which girl will get an all-expenses-paid trip back to the Best Western, where the shuttle van will arrive to take her losing ass back home.
Chris tells Kaitlyn that he sent Britt home and she is now the ‘Bachelorette!’ Let the fornicating begin! Canada has prevailed!
Kaitlyn calls her mom to announce that she beat out Britt for the gig, and Kaitlyn’s mom is excited to learn more “a-boot” all of the men.
Chris Harrison comes in and announces that the majority of the men have selected Kaitlyn as the ‘Bachelorette.’ Some of the men are cheering, while others seem less-than-thrilled.
Kaitlyn tells the sausage gang that she knows one of them is her husband, and all the guys realize that it’s now their turn to compete for her affection, unless they want to share that airport shuttle van with Britt.
The dude with the unfortunate vest and plaid shirt (not sure of names right now) gives Kaitlyn a rose made of iron, which he welded himself. The gift makes Kaitlyn’s loins tingle.
Chris H. arrives with the First Impression Rose, which all of the guys stare longingly at. Everyone is trying to get some time with Kaitlyn, and we find out about half of these dudes are what you would call “fitness professionals.” Seriously, did they do a casting at a Planet Fitness or something?
Some of the guys, however, are caught off guard because they actually voted for Britt, not Kaitlyn. Now they have to try to make themselves lust over Kaitlyn. Tony is downright disappointed and is pouting out in the yard. He says that the selection of Kaitlyn really “hurt” him (as did whoever punched him in the eye) and he is considering going home.
Some guys, like Jared, even seek Kaitlyn out to let her know that she was his second choice. Kaitlyn actually says that she’s happy that he told her. Another guy is also considering going home because he is so sad that Britt wasn’t chosen.
Oh, stop. You can pretend to be “falling for” Kaitlyn just as easily as you can for Britt. It’s not like any of you people are going to end up together anyway.
JJ says that his entire future is riding on what happens tonight.
Seriously dude? Now that’s just sad.
JJ has a kid, which Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to mind. They have a weird conversation in which neither one of them make eye contact with the other Somehow, though, Kaitlyn likes it and tells him that she’s super into him.
Right after, Chris, the cupcake dentist, has a good conversation and decides to seal it with the kiss. (Hey, the dude rode in on a cupcake, he deserves some lip action!) The other guys aren’t happy that Chris has snatches the first kiss, so they decide to step up their game.
Kaitlyn comes in and grabs the First Impression Rose and Shawn B. (the dude that looks like Ryan Gosling). She tells him that she thinks he’s hot and wants to bang him in the Fantasy Suite go on a date with him. She gives him the rose and then they proceed to make out. (I hope she at least wiped the cupcake crumbs out of her mouth from Chris before slobbering all over Shawn B.)
It’s about time for the rose ceremony, and all of the guys are sweating through their Axe body spray in anticipation. She gives the first rose to Chris, the cupcake dentist, and the next one to Ben H. She gives roses to JJ, Joe (the Bart Simpson hair guy), Kupah, Ben, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony (and his black eye).
Just then, Brady interrupts her and asks if he can talk to her. He takes her into the other room, gets all Michael Jackson-breathy and explains that his “heart is with Britt.”
Seriously?! You met this chick like 10 minutes ago. This is just sad.
He leaves the Mansion to go find Britt.
Um…pretty sure she’s blubbering in the shuttle van right now. You’re welcome.
Back at the Mansion, Kaitlyn brushes it off and gives out the rest of the roses. The last one goes to Jared, leaving Bradley, David, Josh and Shawn E roseless. They leave the Mansion, forever alone, while the other guys toast to Kaitlyn.
Afterward, we get to see “dramatic highlights” from the rest of the season. Apparently, Nick, the guy that boned Andi Dorfman in the Fantasy Suite and then cried when he got dumped, comes back to get more attention…er, meet Kaitlyn.
Speaking of boning, Kaitlyn also seems to do some of that this season. In fact, from the previews, it seems that she gets caught fornicating with one of the dudes! She’s treating herself to a little “Fun Dip” when all of a sudden the producers barge in…or something. She cries when all of the other guys find out that she let some guy she barely knows park his car in her garage of love.
We haven’t had this much loving on this franchise since Juan Pablo! Maybe they should date?
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!