Just when you thought that this season of The Bachelorette couldn’t get any worse, the producers deliver the steaming piece of crap that is this episode. This is truly the worst season of ‘The Bachelorette’ ever, which, considering that we endured through Desiree Hartsock‘s rapping and Andi Dorfman‘s overuse of the word, “Stoooooop!” that’s saying something.
Anyway, this crapisode starts with Kaitlyn acting all tough again. She’s mad that Clint is using her so she pulls him aside to give him a piece of her mind. (Don’t give him too much, Kait! You need to conserve all of the “mind” you have.)
She sits Clint down and yells at him, and he explains that he’s good buddies with JJ. Kaitlyn doesn’t care to hear about the producer-construed JJ/Clint bromance; she’s more interested in talking about herself. Clint tries to act cool but we can see the sweat droplets forming all over his head as he tries to talk his way out of his actions.
We all know you’re going to send this douche-goblin home, Kait. Can you just do it already so we don’t have to sit through any more of this? She starts talking to Clint like he’s a five-year-old and tells him it’s time for him to say goodbye to all of the guys. As soon as Kait tells all of the guys that Clint’s getting the boot, JJ’s face totally falls.
Um…why not just send Clint home at the Rose Ceremony? I suppose public shaming is so much more fun.
All of a sudden, JJ tells Clint that he owes him and all the other guys an apology for…making Kaitlyn angry…or something.
Jesus, why not just pull him into the center of the room, and then tar and feather the dude? (Of course, they’ll need a giant bin of tar to cover that great big ol’ forehead of Clint’s.)
Clint is devastated that his BFF has flipped on him. He’s more angry than sad and he and JJ get into an argument. After Clint cusses JJ out, he storms off into the Pity Van, leaving JJ alone in the Mansion yard to sob into the planter box.
JJ next gets into a fight…with himself. Seriously, he starts slapping his own damn face while crying and telling himself to “snap out of it.”
I swear—somewhere out there there’s a nurse with a net looking for this guy.
As soon as JJ stops beating himself up physically, the guys beat him up emotionally for turning on Clint. This is seriously turning into the Babysitters Club. All of these guys are acting like 13 year-old girls who just got their first periods!
Kaitlyn is supposed to do a Rose Ceremony but she’s just not feeling it. She decides that no one’s going to go home because she “doesn’t want to go through that.”
All of the guys are happy that they aren’t having to share the Pity Van with Clint on the way to the airport, but they are bummed that JJ is sticking around.
Chris Harrison then tells the guys that they are all heading to New York City. Everyone is excited, except for JJ who is still all bummed about losing his man-candy, Clint.
The guys jet off to New York and arrive at their hotel suite. All of the guys say that they can see themselves “falling in love” in this town, before Justin (who for some reason is sporting the classic “step” haircut a la Ryder Strong of the 1990s) reads the group date card.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is busy sailing on her yacht. Naturally.
The next day, the group date guys head to some sort of studio. Oh Dear God. There are so many horrible date possibilities that could take place at a studio. Will they completely slaughter a classic song? Will they be forced to break dance against their wills?
Kaitlyn introduces Doug E Fresh and all the guys cheer like they know who the hell this guy is. (“Is this the kid from Fresh Prince or…?”) Jonathon actually does know who Doug E Fresh is, so all the white dudes try to stand closer to him to build their street cred…or something.
The guys learn that they will have to rap-battle each other in front of a crowd. Of course. Because it’s no fun to embarrass these dudes unless it’s in front of a bunch of confused tourists.
Most of the guys are nervous about rapping, especially JJ since all he usually listens to are Broadway show tunes. I’m sure him and Clint would frequently sing the score to Cats while showering together.
They bring Kait and the guys out on stage, and the guys start making fun of each other’s junk. This is the worst rapping I’ve seen since Desiree Hartsock’s rendition of “Right Reasons.” (I still have nightmares about that episode, by the way.)
After all the guys have thoroughly embarrassed themselves, the rap battle ends. Kaitlyn spots Ashley I. in the crowd (how convenient!), as well as Nick from Andi’s season. They try to act like they haven’t been banging and/or sexting for months, and Kait tries to pretend she had “no idea” that Nick was plotting to come into the competition. He tells her that he had to “meet” her before she got engaged or he would never forgive himself. They are eye-flirting so bad right now. Seriously just bang right there in the club coat closet. At least that would be interesting.
Kait pretends she has to “think about” whether or not to let Nick stay. She’s worried that the other guys will get mad if she lets Nick stay so she can bang him.
She’s sitting on her boat thinking about Nick and then spots the guys. She says that the sight of them makes her feel nauseous. That’s always nice to say about a pack of dudes who have devoted their entire life to you. What a dick Kaitlyn is.
She tells them that she is going to let Nick join the gang.
Wait, what? How can this be?
SHE SAW HER HUSBAND IN THE ROOM THE NIGHT BEFORE, GUYS!
Shawn calls her out, asking her why she felt that she needed bring in yet another sausage to an already packed can of Vienna Sausages.
She immediately leaves her boat full ‘o’dudes to go make out with Nick on the dock. Don’t worry, though; she tells him she feels bad for the other guys right before she lets Nick stick his tongue down her throat, so it’s all good, y’all!
Ew…I don’t know if I can deal with yet another season of Nick’s nasty tongue maulings. I’m still trying to recover from watching that during Andi’s season.
Anyway, Kait strides back into the yacht and parts the gang of men like Moses parting the Red Sea. (She legit barks at them to “Make room!” Ugh…I hate her.) The guys agree that it’s fine for Nick to join the club. Um…you guys didn’t have a choice, but it’s cute that you think she took what you wanted into consideration.
She gives Justin the date rose because…well, he was probably the first one she saw.
Kaitlyn says that she “still doesn’t know what she’s doing with Nick but she’s going to sleep with him on it and then decide.”
The other guys go back to the hotel and explain to the dudes that weren’t on the group date what’s going on with Nick. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn calls Nick and we get to hear their conversation, while B-roll footage of a sad, snowy New York City plays, along with heartbreaking music. Um…did someone die before the commercial break or something? Good Lord.
Kait heads to a salon, where Ashley “Onion” happens to work as a stylist. Somehow she’s no longer acting like a mental patient. She’s actually coherent (i.e. not crawling around on the ground, meowing) and gives Kaitlyn some decent advice. She doesn’t, however, give her a fancy hairdo. She legit braided her hair like a bad “Frozen” wig.
Kaitlyn meets up with Nick on a random street corner to deliver the news that she will allow him to stay and date her. He’s worried that the guys will treat him bad but… HE’S JUST FOLLOWING HIS HEART!
That night is Kaitlyn’s date with Jared. She could give two craps about him or this date, but…hey, the producers rented out the freaking Met for this date so, damnit, she’s going to keep it in her pants and away from Nick until the date’s over. Kait even admits that the whole time Jared is blabbering about himself, all she can think about is banging Nick.
She does give him the date rose, so the date can continue. They jump in a limo and head to a helicopter. Kait is excited because she’s never been on a helicopter. How the hell has this chick done a season of ‘The Bachelor’ already and not been in a freaking helicopter!? You have failed, ‘Bachelor’ producers.
It’s time to publicly humiliate the guys again so the next day,Kaitlyn brings them to a theater where the musical Aladdin is in rehearsal. They’re singing “A Whole New World,” a song The Ashley (and basically every other ‘90s little girl) has butchered many a time while in the shower.
Of course, the guys are going to have to sing, dance and Aladdin around in hopes of winning time with Kaitlyn. She says that the guys are “struggling.” Um…Chris “Cupcake” is not struggling. He’s living out his all-time life dream. Giiiiirl!
The final five guys audition, and Ian is totally stoked because he thinks he’s the next Justin Timberlake. Let’s just say that if Ian’s “talent” were propelling that magic carpet ride forward, they’d be crashing and burning.
Chris “Cupcake” is super animated, looking like he’s just watched 17 hours of Disney movies without sleep. He’s really into it. Like really into it. He’s ready to sing the sh*t out of some bad Disney tunes.
“If I acted like that, I’d get beat up when I get home,” one of the other guys says.
Chris’ enthusiasm pays off. He gets the role; however there’s no chance in holy hell that he’s ever getting in bed with Kaitlyn.
That night is the performance. Kaitlyn and Chris go on stage and say and do nothing except hold a bouquet of flowers. They were literally moving props. Did we really need to waste 30 minutes on this segment?!
Afterward, they climb up to some rooftop to go see the Times Square New Years Eve ball. It’s there that she gives Chris a rose and a courtesy makeout kiss. Trust me, that Times Square ball is the only ball Kait is going near tonight!
Back at the hotel, Nick is about to “put himself out there” and move into the guys’ room.
We won’t get to watch the other guys rip Nick’s limbs off and chew his face off…not until next week, at least.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here.