‘Bachelorette’ Episode 5 Recap: Mariachi Music & Man Meltdowns in San Antonio

"Sing monkeys, sing!"
“Sing monkeys, sing!”

This week’s episode of The Bachelorette had all of the necessities: men proclaiming that they are “falling in love” with Kaitlyn, male catfights and, of course, an ample amount of public humiliation for the guys. Let’s get to it!

The episode starts with Nick entering the guys’ hotel room. He arrives to a chorus of crickets and stink eyes, and he begins by explaining that he’s “not there to cause drama.” He, of course, is unable to keep the sly little smile off his face as he explains this. Most of the guys start grilling Nick like he’s interviewing for the Team Leader position at the Red Lobster. He keeps it cool, and has an answer for all of their questions.

Why not just light him on fire when he comes in the room, guys? It would be quicker...
Why not just light him on fire when he comes in the room, guys? It would be quicker…

Nick insists that he’s there because of how cool Kaitlyn is, rather than to get more fame. Of course, the producers have put Nick on one couch by himself opposite a couch with all the other guys. Although Nick plays it cool, his Members Only jacket is probably soaked with sweat by the end of the meeting.

Some guys are more affected by Nick’s appearance than others. Shawn, for one, is upset that his Ryan Gosling looks and (surely) sizable man-piece weren’t enough to satisfy Kaitlyn’s quivering loins. He won’t even call Nick by name—he simply addresses him as “The Other Guy.” (Isn’t that a really bad Hilary Duff movie from the ‘90s?)

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. For some reason, they’ve brought the guys out to a baseball park, where the cocktail party will be held. Kaitlyn offers to talk to any guy who wants to discuss the Nick situation, but one of the guys insists that he’d rather focus on Kaitlyn.

“Yes, let’s do that!” she shouts. (Kaitlyn is Kaitlyn’s favorite topic, of course.)

"Carry me, servant!"
“Carry me, servant!”

JJ offers to take Kaitlyn onto the baseball field. He picks her up and carries her around the field, which Kait seems to enjoy. (So…is JJ not filling the “douchebag void,” now that Nick is here? I’m so confused…)

A few of the guys, however, talk to Kait about how they don’t trust Nick. Kaitlyn doesn’t care, of course, and you can see her eyes flash all “Maleficent-y” when anyone dares to question her decision.

Shawn is particularly upset about Nick coming aboard Kaitlyn’s Sausage Train. He tells her he wishes she were smarter and had seen how full of crap Nick is. Yessssss! Tell it, Shawn!

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. It will take place on the baseball diamond. (Is this stadium an ABC sponsor or something? Why the hell did they have it here?)

It’s absolutely freezing outside. You can see their teeth literally chattering, and Nick’s “Lil Orphan Annie” hair can be seen whipping in the breeze.

Ben H. and Ben Z. get the first roses, followed by Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, and Joshua.

There is one rose left and, of course, Nick is in the running for it. No one looks like they care about staying on this quack of a show—they only want to get the hell out of the blizzard.

Um…we know you’re going to give it to him, Kaitlyn. Can you just get it over with? (And by “give it to” Nick I mean the rose and her quivering loins.)

Of course, Nick gets the final rose, leaving Ryan B., Jonathan and Corey rose-less.

Kaitlyn tells the remaining guys that they’re heading to San Antonio, Texas, for their next stop!

"Should I go get the lighter fluid?"
“Should I go get the lighter fluid?”

The gang (bang) arrives in Texas, where one of the no-namers spends a few minutes talking about how “awesome” their hotel is. (“There I said it! Thanks for comping that penthouse, guys!”)

The date card arrives and all the guys basically vow to burn Nick at the stake should he get the first one-on-one date. Luckily, there will be no Joan of Arc moment, as Kait chooses Ben H. for the date. They head out in a vintage Ford pickup or, as Ben calls it “a sick truck,” and go to the small town of Gruene. So…basically there are about 15 people that live in the town and they’re all staring at these lunatics.

They go to the oldest dance hall in Texas. Kait tells the instructor that she doesn’t have much dance experience. (Oh, you just wait, Kait. That will change in a few months when you boot-scoot your way onto Dancing with the Stars!)

They learn to two-step so they can compete in a two-step competition, which is basically just a whole bunch of people in cowboy hats who want to be “on the TV.”

The guy on the left ain't got time for reality TV; he's got a two-steppin' contest to win, y'all!
The guy on the left ain’t got time for reality TV; he’s got a two-steppin’ contest to win, y’all!

After getting some advice from experienced two-steppers, they head out to the dance floor to ruin what is most likely the only exciting thing these people in the town have to look forward to. Kait and Ben don’t win the competition, but Ben says “he won anyway” because he’s with Kaitlyn.

Good God.

At dinner, Ben reveals that his last relationship was long distance. So…you basically met her in an AOL chatroom like 10 years ago? A/S/L?

Kait enjoyed Ben’s two-steppin’ so she gives him the date rose at dinner.

The guys back home learn that Kait’s other one-on-one date will go to Shawn. That means that the other 10 guys, including Nick, will be going on the group date. Kait says she’s excited to see Nick….um, and the other guys?

They head to a Mexican restaurant, where it’s time for yet another round of public shaming. They learn that they will be writing and performing Mariachi songs for Kaitlyn. Naturally, there will be a large crowd for them to embarrass themselves in front of.

The boys are clearly thrilled that they get to make fools of themselves yet again...
The boys are clearly thrilled that they get to make fools of themselves yet again…

So let me get this straight—these dudes have Sumo wrestled, told jokes, Aladdin danced and now sung Mariachi to win Kaitlyn’s heart. Um…she’s so not worth it, dudes.

One guy starts singing about being the Frito Bandito (as you do), while Ian once again demonstrates his stellar singing skills. (A herd of Chihuahuas went running and screeching into the alley after he was done.)

Nick, of course, decides to one-up the guys by singing to Kait on the balcony. All of the other guys roll their eyes at his gesture. They especially love when he starts singing about this erection and willingness to fight any other guys for her love. The guys start to warm to Nick, all except for Josh, who wants to beat the mariachi out of him.

That night, they head to some sort of abandoned “ranch-style place,” where  Josh randomly tells Kaitlyn to cut his hair. It seriously comes out of nowhere and makes no sense at all. She proceeds to make him look like he stuck his head in a blender. While Josh is busy picking up what’s left of his hair, Nick snakes Kait away to make out. That plan somewhat backfired, Josh.

Later, Josh speaks up and tells Nick that he doesn’t trust him, and Nick is basically like, “Worry about your wig, bro, and leave me alone.”

"How the hell did I end up with an uglier hairdo than Nick?!"
“How the hell did I end up with an uglier hairdo than Nick?!”

Josh is clearly pissed. However, I would be too if Nick had better hair than I did.

Josh decides he has to be the one to “tell the truth” about Nick to Kaitlyn. (There’s always one “truth spiller” in every season.) He tells Kaitlyn that Nick is trying to one-up all the guys, and that she best run away from Nick because no one in the house likes him. Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to believe him, and Josh starts to realize how deep a pile of crap he’s just jumped into. He starts freaking out, and stating that everyone else feels like he does.

Of course, Kait immediately runs and tells the guys what Josh said about them. Josh is basically crapping himself when none of the other guys speak up and stand by him. Josh insists that he talked about the Nick topic with some guys tonight, but he doesn’t want to give up names.

Josh is looking like he was just betrayed by his buddies (it’s like JJ and Clint all over again). Josh states that Ben Z. and him were just talking about Nick, but Ben acts like he has no clue what he’s talking about.

"Waaaaa!"
“Waaaaa!”

“I’m not kidding around here!” Kait shouts. “I’m looking for a husband!”

Stop.It.

She takes the date rose and gives it to Nick, and you can just see Josh’s whole head turn red in the background. Now you have no rose, a bad reputation and a bad, bad haircut to boot.

The next day is Kait’s one-on-one date with Shawn. They are going to kayak down the river that flows through town. Naturally, Shawn is a strapping example of a man in his kayak. Kait’s happy to spend alone time with Shawn with “no interruptions.” Um…except for those 15 creepy tourists sneaking cell phone pics of you the whole time you are on your date.

That night, Shawn decides to open up about a really bad car accident he was involved in a few years back. Kaitlyn is trying her best to look concerned, but we all know she can’t wait until the conversation gets back to being about her.

Shawn tells the story and sounds like Matthew McConaughey in those weird creepy Lincoln commercials. He says he’s happy that he lived so he could, you know, meet Kaitlyn.

"Can I be the first one you sleep with?"
“Can I be the first one you sleep with?”

He then tells her “I’m falling in love with you.”

Well, it took five episodes. That’s about average for a guy to “start falling” right? She tells him that she feels the same way. They head out for a midnight canoe ride which is, of course, complete with fireworks.

Back at the hotel, Ian is feeling neglected. He is having a hard time believing that Kaitlyn isn’t swooning all over him, and he’s kind of over it. After all, he’s a well-traveled Princeton graduate that’s a former model. Ian is tired of Kait, and is ready to go home. He would much rather be ‘The Bachelor’ so he could have a whole harem full of hot tail to choose from, instead of just stupid Kaitlyn. Ian can’t wait to ruin Kaitlyn’s night…and we can’t wait for him to do it!

It’s time for the cocktail party, and Josh in particular is nervous about going home after his embarrassing tirade on the group date. Ian, however, is trying his best not to roll his eyes as Kaitlyn starts going on about “honesty” and “partnership.”

"I hope you at least gargle with mouthwash between dudes."
“I hope you at least gargle with mouthwash between dudes.”

Ian says that Kaitlyn wants the truth…BUT SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

I feel like I’m in a really bad 1990s law commercial.

He also says that Kaitlyn’s not even as hot as his ex-girlfriend.

In.The.Face.

Ian has quickly become my favorite person on this sh*t show.

She takes Jared aside and he goes on and on about how great Kait is, and tells her that he, too, is “falling in love” with her.

Gag.

Hurry up, Ian! I can’t take much more of this crap!

“I am an enigma,” he tells us. “I am a gift that you unwrap for life.”

He tells us that Kaitlyn is only here to make out with dudes, and that she’s not interesting. Ian has a lot of sex on his own, and plans to go out guns blazing.

YESSSSSS.

Ian starts by saying that he needs to be honest, and that he came here to find a wife and is tired of having to listen to a bunch of dudes making fart jokes.

“I came here to meet the girl who had her heart broken by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted to get her field plowed,” he tells her.

Kaitlyn's face when Ian basically calls her a shallow tramp.
Kaitlyn’s face when Ian basically calls her a shallow tramp.

Kait can’t believe that someone dared not fawn all over her.

“I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV,” he tells her. “Are you really that shallow?”

Ian, wherever you are tonight, know that you are my hero. It was almost worth watching that  crapisode to see that moment. Seriously, the only way that scene could have been better is if Ian had run over to where Kaitlyn was keeping her roses for the Rose Ceremony, and just took a great big dump on them and ran out yelling, “Sucker!”

Maybe next episode?

The episode ends with Kaitlyn being left stunned after her verbal bitch-slapping by Ian.

Next episode appears to be the one where Kaitlyn bones some dude and makes everyone else cry. The Ashley can’t wait!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette’ click here!

(Photo: ABC)

10 Comments

  1. Never lose your unique sense of humour Ashley, I absolutely love your recaps–they never fail to make me laugh and I look forward to them every week.


  2. Many of the bachelors have snuck off and had sex with contestants. It’s pretty sexist and messed up that they are making it a story line to humiliate a woman when a bachelorette did it. I’m not fond of Kaitlyn but the double standard is not ok.


  3. Kaitlyn is trash. Also am I high or on Soules season was she NOT listed as occupation Dance Instructor???? WTF did she say she does not know how tp dance in this episode for? Maybe she can do the horizontal mambo ONLY? ??? God I love/hate this show


      1. the goonbird josh asked her if she was a barber and she kinda said yes before mutilating his hair. than another guy said she’s a cosmetologist. wtf?


  4. normally i agree with your posts but r u serious? kaitlyn is being trashed for doing nothing worse or even different than so many before her, mainly cuz she’s a woman. and ian is now officially the most unlikeable prick in reality tv to date thanks to his tantrum, and that’s saying alot. just cuz she’s not licking his ass like the hookers he normally pays to do it he has a meltdown. he went on and on about how he was going to kill the aladdin thing and the mariachi thing and when he choked he took a huge hit in confidence so he threw a fit bashing kait, like it’s her fault he bombed. bet if he’d done well and she asked him to one-on-one he’d still be there talking shit


    1. @Kate– I make fun of anyone who stars on this show, especially those with huge libidos, regardless if they are male of female. See my Juan Pablo recaps for reference. -The Ashley

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