It’s the Bachelorette episode we’ve all been waiting for– the one where Kaitlyn lets a dude give her a pickle tickle on national TV! Before we begin let’s talk about that phrase that’s making it around The Internets lately– “slut shaming.” Many a millional has been screeching that it’s unfair that people shame Kaitlyn for screwing a bunch of dudes on TV, just because she’s a female.
The Ashley wishes to respond to this before we begin the recap. She will be making fun of Kaitlyn for boinking guys she just met. Why? Because The Ashley makes fun of everyone that’s stupid enough to go on this crappy show, especially those who can’t keep it in their pants long enough to at least pretend to be classy people. She doesn’t care if the horndog involved is male or female. For example, please see The Ashley’s recaps of Juan Pablo‘s episodes here.
That being said, let’s get on with the show!
The episode starts off where we left off, in San Antonio with Ian about to rip into Kaitlyn for being a shallow tramp. Kaitlyn tells Ian that she’s “super offended” by Ian’s observations, and keeps pursing her bright pink lips in fits of rage. (Or perhaps she got The Herps from one of her many make out partners?)
Ian could give two craps if Kait is upset; he can barely keep the smirk off his face as she tries to explain that her making sex jokes and getting raunchy with an assortment of the guys is not the best path for her to find a husband.
Ian tells her that he’s peacing out because she’s basically a waste of his time. He caught a lot of flak for his comments, but he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true!
The other guys notice that Ian is leaving, and they can’t believe that he would leave a chick that forces him to sumo wrestle, sing Mariachi and make a fool of himself on the regular. Of course, Nick has to run on up to where Kait is sitting and tell her how awesome and amazing she is in hopes that they can continue to make fart jokes together in the future.
Kaitlyn can’t believe that someone would say that she’s there to make out with guys. She sits there by herself pondering and then…goes to make out with some guys.
Joshua, who is still trying to make his weed-wacked mullet a la Kaitlyn happen, is steaming mad that 1) Ian was mean and 2) Nick is getting quality time with a sad and vulnerable Kaitlyn.
Shawn, too, is having trouble watching Kait and Nick together. He creeps around the corner, sees Lil Orphan Annie sucking face with his girl, and storms out.
“To me, intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say it,” Kaitlyn tells us.
Remember that for later, y’all. Someone will be plowing that field before the night’s end.
Kait rejoins the guys and tells them what a crap-nozzle Ian is, and all of them agree that he is Satan himself for daring to talk smack on Kaitlyn.
They head to the Alamo for the next Rose Ceremony. Seriously? They rented out an entire American landmark to serve as the setting for this famewhore to choose her next bedmates? Only in America.
Kaitlyn tells the guys that she is “falling in love here” and that she’s “following her heart.”
Now that she’s gotten in at least two franchise cliches, it’s time to hand out some flowers! Nick and Shawn already have roses, so the first rose goes to Jared, and the second to Chris the Cupcake.
JJ (who is wearing his best Scott Disick suit) gets the next one, followed by Joe.
“The Alamo is my last stand,” a worried Joshua tells us.
Can someone point one of these cannons at him and shoot? Please?
Ben Z. gets a rose, and there are three dudes left hanging. It’s down to Joshua and two guys who have basically been background players the whole season. You could honestly replace either one of them with some dude in a suit and no one would know.
One of them, Tanner, gets a rose, leaving Joshua and the other rando (whose name is apparently Justin) with nothing but a bus ticket home.
Joshua slunks away, hair lookin’ like a drunken frat girl cut it (well…that’s actually pretty much what happened), pondering whether he will end up forever alone.
Chris Harrison announces that the remaining guys will be heading to Dublin, Ireland with Kaitlyn. They all do their best “Lucky Charms leprechaun” voice to celebrate the impending trip. This is why other cultures hate us, guys.
The gang arrives in Ireland, a place way too beautiful and majestic to host this craptastic show. Naturally, the first thing they see as they walk down the street in Ireland is a giant leprechaun, whom was absolutely paid and placed there producers to look wander around and look “Irish.”
At the hotel, Kait comes to pick up a guy for her one-on-one date. Of course, Kaitlyn picks Nick for the date, which is no surprise to anyone. He pulls on his finest hunter green skinny pants and skips off with Kait, leaving Shawn and the rest of the guys bummed.
Nick and Kait stroll through the streets, with Nick stopping to feel up Kaitlyn as frequently as possible. They show off their horrific white-people clogging skills, while a herd of nauseated Irishers look on, scared. Miraculously, no one mistakes Nick for a leprechaun.
Next, they head to a pub, where they sit and talk about how much they want to bang.
One beer in and they are basically rounding third base right there in the pub, all while an old Irish guys sits there hoping Nick’s man-juice won’t land in his Guinness.
Back at the hotel, the other guys are sitting around preparing for their group date. Surely, Kait will have them hopping over pots ‘o’ gold or scaling rainbows to show their love, and everyone but JJ and Joe will be forced to endure it. They’ll be Irish clogging their way to humiliation, all while Nick’s putting his Lucky Charms in Kaitlyn’s bowl. (That made no sense and, no, I do not care.)
Meanwhile, Nick and Kaitlyn go into an old Irish church. It’s a great place to have wine and dinner…and fornicate. They can barely get through the producer-required conversation before Nick is nipping at Kait’s ear in a fit of sexual passion.
“I’m getting goosebumps,” Kait tells him.
Not to mention Chlamydia.
Naturally, Kait gives Nick the rose, and Nick gives Kait the rub-a-dub under the table. They are both feeling the burn in their loins, so Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her hotel. She says that she forgets there are cameras and other dudes when she’s with Nick, and she’s ready to just bang the Orphan outta that Lil Annie. She pulls him into her bedroom and shuts the door on the camera crew, which is code for “Throw a condom in here and get the f**k out!”
Luckily, Kait and Nick are still wearing microphones (for now) and we get to hear Nick’s cheese-tastic sex talk.
“I want to know every part of you,” he tells her, before we just hear them passionately moaning. Kait is clearly having the most passionate two minutes of her life, so the producers were happy to leave them alone.
Nick strolls out of Kaitlyn’s room in the morning, leaving Kaitlyn grinning ear to ear. Apparently Nick’s bedroom skills put ol’ Farmer Chris’ to shame, because I never remember her smiling that after banging him in the Fantasy Suite.
“We deserved that time together,” she tells us. “He’s a good person.”
She says the “off camera time she had with Nick” (i.e. the time she spent banging Nick’s brains out) has made her feel guilty.
Can we call in Juan Pablo to counsel Kaitlyn? And possibly give her Round Two?
Nick scurries back to the hotel to tell all the guys that he just boinked the girl that they are “dating.” Joe doesn’t seem to pick up on the fact that Nick banged Kait, but he does let Nick know that Shawn also got some “off camera time” with Kaitlyn a few weeks ago. Nick doesn’t seem to be worried, but Shawn is upset when he hears that Nick had an “intimate” date with Kait.
Back at the hotel, Kaitlyn is “Mesnick-ing” on her balcony, worried that Nick will squeal that they humped.
It’s time for the group date. Most of the other guys are hoping that it will be their turn to bop Kaitlyn, but unfortunately, there’s a much darker theme planned for this date.
It’s a wake-themed date. They are going to have the guys parade past a coffin-dwelling Kaitlyn, and talk about how wonderful she is during a staged Irish wake.
The Ashley has a real problem with this date. She fails to see the humor in this date. (To read her feelings on the whole thing, click here.)
Always classy, Kaitlyn is clutching a flask in her coffin. Hey, at least she’s not clutching Nick’s junk, so there’s that…
Shawn looks like he wants to nail that coffin shut. He’s still upset that Nick humped his girlfriend, and looks like he would rather be anywhere than part of this sh*show.
Ben Z. asks the other guys to leave because he’s having a real hard time staring at someone in a coffin, given that his mother passed away. Kait, you should be ashamed of yourself for crawling in that coffin. I hope they Lysol’d the hell out of that thing after she got out.
That night, Kait and Ben Z. take some alone time so Ben can talk about how hard it was for him to attend the stupid wake. She acts like she cares, and that she knows what the hell his name is. You can tell she’s distracted. After all, she’s probably sitting there wondering what color boxer briefs Nick is wearing tonight.
Next, it’s Jared’s turn to tell Kaitlyn how wonderful she is. She clearly enjoys the attention, but there’s no way in holy hell that this guy would ever be the “winner” of this season. She just keeps him around for the flattery.
She pulls Shawn aside and after he shows him some pictures of his Great Aunt Sue and some other people we don’t care about, it’s time for the date rose distribution. She gives it to Jared, which makes Shawn sad. He tells us that he’s upset because he wanted to ‘start making memories” in Ireland with Kaitlyn.
And by “memories” he means babies.
Since Jared got the group date rose, he gets to spend some extra time alone with Kaitlyn. They go back to the church, where legendary Irish band The Cranberries are there to serenade them as they sway open-mouthed.
She says that she’ll remember this date forever. Too bad she probably can’t remember the name of the dude she’s sucking face with.
Shawn, meanwhile, walks away from the other guys, upset that he’s been rejected. Shawn is talking to one of the camera guys, whom he’s become friends with. He tells the camera guy that they spent hours on his bed and that Kait told him that he’s the one. He thought what they had was special, before learning she just “banged two other dudes.” He feels betrayed and is ready to leave because he genuinely loves Kaitlyn.
He goes back to the hotel and says that Kait’s actions aren’t matching up with her words, and that she’s ruined everything by doing the horizontal mambo with every dude that pays her a compliment.
He shows up at her hotel room, just when she’s stuffing her face and airing out her privates. She’s worried that Shawn won’t want to stick around due to the “one mistake” she made by boinking Nick.
The show ends with a preview of Chris Harrison telling the guys that “everything is about to change.” Everyone’s going to cry, as per usual.
See you next week! Until then, keep it in your pants!
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ episode, click here!