Last week, our Bachelorette had sexy time with Nick and it has caused her a bunch of problems. Since, you know, Kaitlyn‘s technically “dating” about nine other guys still, it’s kind of rude to bang it out under the sheets with one guy, and then pretend that nothing happened and continue to date the other nine schmucks, giving them hope that they may actually make it to the Fantasy Suite. She is starting to feel guilty that her actions could hurt her relationship with Shawn
and the other guys.
Before we get started, The Ashley is going to repeat the disclaimer she wrote in last week’s recap. She will be making fun of Kaitlyn for boinking guys she just met. Why? Because The Ashley makes fun of everyone that’s stupid enough to go on this crappy show, especially those who can’t keep it in their pants long enough to at least pretend to be classy people. She doesn’t care if the horndog involved is male or female. For example, please see The Ashley’s recaps of Juan Pablo‘s episodes here. If you have a problem with this, or plan to write comments that involve the phrase “slut shame,” then you best spin it around and exit this recap now!
Now that it’s just us unsavory folks, let’s get to it!
The episode starts with Kaitlyn chatting with Shawn in her hotel room. Kaitlyn is explaining that there are still nine guys, and she has yet to see some of their private parts, so she needs more time. Shawn straight-out asks her if she is in love with him, but Kaitlyn uses the ‘Bachelor’ franchise cliche and tells her that she’s “falling in love” with him.
Shawn says he’s surprised that Kait was able to go bang someone else, since she had just spent a great night with him. Shawn tells her that he’s struggling to watch her rub naughties with other dudes, and he’s not sure he can continue on with this charade. Kait is worried that Shawn knows that she was “intimate” with Nick, so she’s feeling guilty.
Maybe just go a round in the bedroom with all remaining nine guys to make it even?
They suck face for a while, while a voiceover of a blubbering Kaitlyn tells us that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, especially Shawn since she really likes him. She says she feels awful. Yup, that’s probably the chlamydia kickin’ in.
Later that day, Nick is chatting with Tanner about what a douche Shawn is for thinking that Kaitlyn wouldn’t bone any other guys. Kaitlyn doesn’t have time to worry about that anymore, because she’s about to embark on a two-on-one date with Joe and JJ. There’s only one rose on the date, so one of these also-rans are going back to the United States solo.
JJ, Kait and Joe set sail on a cruise around the Irish coast. They head to a private island, which will be a perfect place to leave whoever isn’t picked and get a really pathetic shot of him waving goodbye to them as they sail off. JJ decides to start things off with an awkward toast about how he’s “really falling” for Kaitlyn. Joe just sits there with his eyes glazing over, as per usual.
Joe takes Kaitlyn for some alone time. They sit on the beach while Joe explains how much “passion” there is between the two of them. Kait tries to keep a straight face, knowing this guy doesn’t have a chance. (Poor Joe; at least he’s finally quit trying to make that spiky Sugar Ray circa 2001 hair happen.)
Next, JJ pulls Kaitlyn aside to let her know that three years ago he cheated on his wife. He explains that the cheating ruined his whole life, so he’s not about to do that again. (Hell, that’s not far from the truth. It made him have to go on this stupid show so….) Kait is worried to date another cheater, but she seems to be understanding of his situation.
Finally it’s time for Kait to hand out the date rose.
“I feel sick right now,” she says.
Seriously, can we get this girl some penicillin?
It’s time to hand out a rose. Kait is struggling with who to give the rose to. She finally ditches JJ, telling him that she’s cutting him so he can see his daughter, not because he screwed around on his wife. Joe, however, doesn’t get a free pass. Kaitlyn doesn’t give him the rose. Instead, she tells him that she wants to spend more time with him before deciding whether or not he will be sharing an airport shuttle with JJ.
After the “sail away” shot, Joe and Kaitlyn drink some wine and kiss for awhile. Finally, she decides that she likes Joe’s patience, and rewards him with the date rose.
Meanwhile, Shawn is sitting alone in the dark (as you do), trying to decide whether or not to continue watching his girlfriend get busy with other guys. He claims that Kait told him that he’s the one, off camera, which has made everything much harder for him to take. Later, Joe tells the other guys that he got some “one on one time” with Kaitlyn and that he’s falling in love with her. Naturally, Shawn assumes that Kait slept with Joe too, so he gets up and storms out of the room.
He heads straight up to Kaitlyn’s room. She tells us that she’s “feeling exhausted in every way possible.” Well, of course. Her hijinks under the sheets are no doubt tiring.
Shawn arrives, and Kait assumes he’s there to dump her for hobag-ing around. She starts loudly sobbing right as Shawn comes to her door. They sit on the couch and Shawn is being all Ryan Seacrest-y and drawing out the big reveal of whether or not he’s going to leave. Shawn says that Kait telling him that he was the one was a dick thing to do, especially if she knew she was going to sleep with Nick like a day later.
Kaitlyn yells at Shawn for needing to reassured, since the other dudes aren’t being all dramatic when she bones other people. She basically tells him that he knew what he was signing up for. She reminds him that this is for “the rest of their lives.”
THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, PEOPLE! Well, that and/or at least three months and maybe one People magazine cover shoot.
Kait isn’t sure if she wants to tell Shawn that she boned Nick, since it doesn’t appear that he knows. She’s worry that his head might explode, or that he’ll grab Nick by the hair and beat him senseless.
The next night is the rose ceremony, which takes place at an Irish castle. She puts on her finest see-through dress and tries her best to focus on some of the also-rans. (And by “focus on” I mean “try to remember their names.”)
Kaitlyn (and her “open heart”) toasts to herself (as you do), and then starts to take guys aside for some alone time.
Ben H. brings up the fact that Kait snuck down to see him and Shawn while they were all in Texas, and that when he left Shawn and Kaitlyn alone so he could go take a shower, the vibe was different when he got back. Shawn was happier and he basically knows that Kait gave Shawn “some type of validation” during the time that Ben was in the shower.
Kait is shocked that Ben H. called her out for having “special time” with Shawn. He handles the situation really well, and only talks about it with Kaitlyn. She apologizes for putting them in the weird situation, but doesn’t deny that “something” happened with Shawn while Ben was splish-splashing in the shower.
The guys are all sitting around talking about how nervous they are about getting cut. Even Nick is worried, and he has a rose (and most likely Kaitlyn’s panties in his pocket.) She warns him that he better not blab a word about their doing the horizontal mambo to any of the other guys. Nick reassures Kait that he didn’t tell all the guys in the locker room that they had sex. He then lays a few creepy open-eye kisses on Kaitlyn to “seal the deal” that he’s here to stay.
They’re prepared to go for Round 2 right there on the couch, but then Kait remembers that Shawn is probably outside the room crying, so she goes to see him. They talk about their feelings, and Shawn clearly wants Kaitlyn to declare her love for him, kick Cupcake & The Gang aside and marry him with cameras rolling, but she obviously can’t do that. Shawn is nervous that he might get not get a rose.
Really? You really think she’s going to give freaking Cupcake and Hair Gel Joe roses but not you? Pssshhhh…
It’s time to hand out some roses. Kaitlyn’s still complaining about her “rough week,” but Chris Harrison could care less. He’s putting his contractually required four minutes into this episode, and doesn’t have time for this crap. How he keeps a straight face through all this, I have no idea.
The first rose goes to Ben H., most likely because he didn’t squeal to the other guys that she boned Shawn. She gives the next one to Chris Cupcake. There’s only one rose left, and it will go to either Shawn, Ben Z. or Tanner. She acts like she’s all confused but finally gives the flower to Shawn, leaving Ben Z. heartbroken and Tanner mildly disappointed that he won’t get to go on whatever tropical date is coming up.
Ben is very upset because he “thought they had a connection.” He starts to tear up as he walks to the Forever Alone Shuttle. Tanner, meanwhile, doesn’t even get a post-kickoff interview, probably because he’s already at a pub, hitting on chicks that might actually appreciate him and learn his name.
The episode doesn’t end there, however. The guys are loading up their stuff into some sort of tour bus (with a giant leprechaun on the side, natch.) She invites Jared to drive to their next stop, Killarney, with her while the rest of the guys bus it. They pull over to take selfies in random Irish parking lots and are having a great time.
They arrive at the castle where the Blarney Stone sits. They have to lie down and bend backward to kiss it (so…par for the course for Kaitlyn), but eventually smooch it for good luck. Jared thinks he “got lucky” to have gotten to experience that with Kaitlyn. Well…not the same kind of “lucky” as Nick and Shawn but…it’s better than nothing I guess. Our little elfish Ashton Kutcher will have to take what he can get.
They head to Kaitlyn’s castle (yes…she got a castle…ugh) and lie on her bed and drink champagne and make out. She finally bids him farewell and is feeling happy.
Later, Chris Harrison decides to show up and ruin everyone’s day. He comes to Kait’s room and she tells him about how she told Shawn he was “the one” and that she humped Nick. Chris tries to act surprised and pretend that he wasn’t watching the room camera on the monitor in the producer’s office. He tells Kait that, to be fair, he’s going to change things up a bit. She will next narrow it down to three guys, get “alone time” with the remaining three, and then meet the families of the final two.
For those of you who aren’t good at The Math, that means that Kaitlyn will have to cut three men this week. Surely, Kait realized she’s only interested in two of these guys (I’ll let you guess which ones), and didn’t want to meet the families of two other guys who she has no interest in. There’s no way that this was all “randomly” changed for Kaitlyn.
Chris H. goes to tell the guys the plan, and makes up some crap to justify the changes. Chris Cupcake gets the next one-on-one date, so he goes to pick her up at her castle. A helicopter arrives to take them to have a picnic on a cliff.
It’s very romantic, and Kaitlyn is trying her best to pretend she’s not picturing Shawn’s beautiful face when she looks at Cupcake. She can’t even keep a straight face when she brings up having a future with Cupcake. In fact, she barely has anything to say to him and it’s really awkward.
Poor Cupcake has no idea what’s coming…
She bursts into tears which can only mean one of two things– she is about to dump someone or she feels bad for humping someone.
Finally, Cupcake realizes he’s going to get the boot, but he keeps telling her she’s “just scared” and that’s why she’s upset.
Um…sorry bro, she’s just not that into you…
He finally realizes that he’s about to be left on an Irish cliff and kisses her goodbye. They show him standing there on the edge of the cliff, watching her fly off in the helicopter without him. He tells us that Kait’s not ready to find true love yet.
“She’s a mess,” he tells us, as he toes the edge of the cliff. He’s crying and a production assistant keeps edging closer and closer to make sure that he doesn’t jump in a fit of despair. They are most likely trying to fly out a mental health professional ASAP to talk him down from the edge.
Next week, Kait tells the remaining guys that she and Nick had sex. It appears that most of them didn’t know, and it will lead to THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER!
Until next week…
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Bachelorette’ episode, click here.