Last week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn was dealing with the fall-out from doing the nasty with Nick, and this week, things will get even worse for Kait. She’s worried that her mistakes could ruin “her forever,” and is especially nervous how her other doink partner, Shawn, will react if he finds out she let Nick put it in.
There are five remaining guys in the game, and Kait will have to eliminate three guys before next week, which will be hometowns. (Hmm…I wonder which three will go home…I haven’t a clue.) We are still in Ireland for an unprecedented third week. The show has rarely, if ever, stayed in one location for this long, which tells us that the producers didn’t think it was worth forking over the extra cash to fly a bunch of goobers who have no shot with Kaitlyn to another location.
Ben H., Joe, and Jared (also known as the “Also Rans”) are nervous that, since they haven’t put their “rabbit” in Kaitlyn’s hat yet, they pretty much know that Kaitlyn’s “forever” does not include them.
She chooses Ben for the first one-on-one, and tells us that she plans to show the guys “all the different sides” of her.
They get into a rowboat, and Queen Kait makes Ben H. row while she bitches about how hard her life is. (What is this, Ben Hur? Row, slave, row!)
They arrive at a weird deserted island, and Ben is talking about the Vikings (?) and history, and you can almost see Kaitlyn’s eyes start to roll back into her head at the mention of “smart stuff.”
Kait declares that Ben is “husband material” and asks him if he thinks she’s wife material.
Ben hesitates to answer. (You know he wanted to be like, “Well ya can’t turn a ho into a housewife, babe!”) He tells her that, if she is to become his wife, he will never leave her. Of course, we know this guy’s outta here in a week or so, so no need to worry about all that.
Later that night, Kaitlyn shows up in an outfit suitable for an Irish hooker. (Nothing says ‘wife material’ like a short leather miniskirt and a see-through top!) They have whiskey, and Ben tells Kait that he’s basically unlovable. As Ben starts talking about himself, Kaitlyn’s eyes start rolling back again. Ben starts talking about how much he loved his ex-girlfriend and how he’s scared of being rejected again.
If you fear rejection, the best solution is to go on a show where you have a 1/25 chance of being chosen by a girl in the end.
Kait tells Ben that she’s falling in love with him. Now, why do you gotta do that, Kaitlyn?! You know you’re not going to pick this guy. It just seems mean.
Ben then tells Kaitlyn that, should she choose him for an overnight date, he plans on them talking all night and not being physical with her.
Well, that just sealed your fate, Benny. Thanks for playing. Collect your Salad Shooter on the way out. There’s no way Kaitlyn will be able to keep it in her pants all night inside a fantasy suite.
Naturally, Kaitlyn assumes that because a guy doesn’t want to jump her bones, he’s a virgin. Ben laughs and tells her he’s not a virgin, and for some reason, Kaitlyn thinks that’s hysterical. She tells him that she’s a virgin too. How the sound guy and the camera dude managed to hold in their laughter after hearing her say that I’ll never know. Those are true professionals right there.
The next day, Kaitlyn is taking Shawn, Nick and Joe on a group date. So…basically Joe’s gonna stand there and watch awkwardly as Kaitlyn goes from straddling Nick to straddling Shawn. Immediately, Shawn steals Kaitlyn away and they talk about how weird it is that they’re not kissing/putting body parts into each other. Right after that, they start making out, even though Kait says she needs to tell Shawn about her tryst with Nick.
Just then, Nick storms in to steal Kaitlyn (and her loins) away from a lusty Shawn. Kaitlyn asks Nick how he’s feeling about them humping, and he says he has no regrets.
“It was just…fast,” she tells Nick of their sexy time.
Somewhere in the night, Shawn is watching this and laughing his hot little ass off.
Eventually, Kait remembers that poor Joe is on this date too and goes to fetch him. He’s all ready to declare his undying love for Kaitlyn, who literally has the spit of both Nick and Shawn still on her lips. Joe tells her that he could kiss her for the next 60 years, and Kaitlyn realizes that this charade has gone a little too far. She shouldn’t have brought this guy out there to humiliate him. He’s about ready to introduce her to his Great Aunt Fanny Fay and whole family, so Kaitlyn has to end this.
She tells him that his proclamation of love makes her uncomfortable because, well, he’s not Nick or Shawn.
“It’s alright, it’s cool,” he says. “It’s been fun.”
He’s staring straight out, probably just having realized that despite her acting like he was in the running; he never had a ding-dang shot!
Joe has no idea what is supposed to happen next, and Kaitlyn seems to want him to beg her to let him stay. Joe’s not having it, though. He basically tells her to eff off and leave him alone.
Meanwhile, Shawn and “the other guy” realize that Joe got the boot. Kaitlyn doesn’t want to give out the date rose, because that would mean she would have to choose between her beaus, so she takes off, leaving Nick and Shawn to hang out, blue-balled and confused. She did, however, tell Shawn that she wants a piece of him later.
That night, Shawn and Kait head to a restaurant to share some drinks and a conversation about how she boinked another dude. She knows she has to tell Shawn about bedding Nick, but she is worried he will dump her. Shawn (and his ever-growing forehead pimple) is sitting there smiling, unaware that Kait’s about to drop the HOroshima SlutBomb on him.
She tells Shawn that she and Nick “went too far” on their date. (Too far? There isn’t much left to do after sex, unless you starting doing shower butt-humping on camera or something.)
Shawn starts sweating profusely when he hears that Kait and Nick had sex. He doesn’t say anything but you can tell he is trying to keep himself from screaming at her. He asks to take a break and go to the bathroom. (You know he’s going in there to wash his junk after hearing that she slept with Nick.)
He disappears into the bathroom and is gone for awhile. He’s talking to himself (or some poor Irish dude who just wanted to take a leak and now has a Ryan Gosling lookalike sobbing on his shoulder.)
Finally, he returns and thanks Kaitlyn for being honest about her sexy time. He says he’s going to “man up” and try to get over it.
“I can’t be mad, can I?” he asks Kaitlyn (and/or the producers).
He still wants Kaitlyn for some reason so he has to just suck it up and pretend he doesn’t know that his girlfriend bumped uglies with the one guy that he hates.
The next night is the Rose Ceremony, and Shawn is still upset about Kaitlyn telling him about “going too far” with “The Other Guy.” He reminds us that he, too, spent “off camera time” with Kaitlyn in which they talked all night. (Something tells me it wasn’t Ben’s style of “talking” though.)
Chris Harrison comes in to yet again ruin all the guys’ nights. He tells them that there will be no cocktail party, as Kaitlyn wants to cut the fat and get right to having all of the sex in the Fantasy Suite.
They cart the guys off to a castle. (No seriously, they literally made them ride in a cart.) Kaitlyn arrives, wearing a child-size sparkly dress, and she’s talking like a robot. You can tell she’s either 1) drunk and trying to hold it together or 2) reading off a script. (Actually, probably both.)
She offers the first rose to Shawn, but he’s still feeling all bummed out about the Nick situation so he tells her he’s not accepting anything from her until he can 1) see her STD test results and 2) talk to her about their future. (OK, he didn’t actually say the first part, but he did ask to talk to her before accepting.)
They head to another room and Shawn says he knows there are other relationships. (Um, duh. Did you think that all those guys in suits she’s giving roses to are just really well-dressed crew members?)
He then asks why the hell she’d sleep with the one guy he hates if she’s really in love with Shawn. Kaitlyn tells her that she’s there to “explore other relationships” (and privates) because after this whole thing, she will never again “explore” another relationship.
Hahaha! I think I peed myself a little when she said that!
Kaitlyn says that she feels guilty for humping Nick but reminds Shawn that she didn’t have to tell him anything. She then basically she tells him to suck it up, scoot on back into the ceremony and accept that damn rose.
Meanwhile, the other three guys are all lined up, wondering if Shawn is going to leave, or if Shawn and Kait are having a quickie in the castle dungeon. Eventually, they come back and she offers Shawn the rose again. He accepts, and she gives the second rose to Ben.
The final flower goes to Nick, leaving poor Jared alone, roseless, and confused. (Aww, it’s cute that he thought he actually had a chance. Run, Jared! You are way too good for this broad.)
She starts sobbing and Jared gives her a big hug and dries her tears. (Make sure you wash those paws with a Handi-Wipe, Jer.)
Once he’s in the Pity Van, Jared starts to tear up, wondering where it all went wrong.
Kaitlyn stands outside for a few minutes, trying to pretend she’s all broken up about letting ol’ “What’s His Name” go.
The next day is Nick and Kaitlyn’s Fantasy Suite date. He meets her in a park and immediately mauls her with his tongue. They head to a Catholic church and Nick starts talking about how he’s all about going to church, and starts talking about his family.
“That’s so…special,” Kaitlyn says. She’s obviously bored any time they’re talking about anything or anyone but her.
They head to a pub, drink some beer, do some ugly tongue kissing and are soon joined by some “random” locals. They’re eager to pick up where they left off, but Nick has something he’d like to discuss with her before hitting the sheets again. He wants to talk about how Shawn is a great big ol’ baby who was bragging about boning some country singer or something.
Does anyone know which country singer Shawn had sex with, by the way? The Ashley needs to know because…well, she has no life.
After bashing Shawn, it’s time for the sex. Kait offers Nick the key to her Fantasy Suite…which just happens to be inside a jail. Nick was expecting some nicer accommodations, but he’s like, “Eh, I’ll do this wherever.”
He’s just about to strip off his pants when Kait tells him that it’s just a joke. Nick’s relieved to hear that there’s an actual Fantasy Suite to go to. (You know they probably had a quickie in the jail cell, though!)
The next morning in the Fantasy Suite, we are treated to a shirtless Nick shoveling bacon into his gullet, while Kaitlyn gobbles down sausage. (Um…not that kind of sausage, ya sickos!) He’s half-dressed and she’s just wearing a lacy silk robe.
Kait tells us that all she and Nick did the night before was drink, eat chocolate and talk. If you’re going with that story, at least tell Nick to button his pants before the camera guys come in. Geez.
Meanwhile, Shawn is disgusted thinking about Nick (or “The Other Guy”) and Kaitlyn having sexual escapades. He calls up the front desk and tells him that it’s “Shawn down at the lodge” (Um?) and he demands they give him Nick’s room number. He goes to Nick’s room, and tells him that he’s ready to talk crap to his face for a change.
He tells Nick that’s he’s arrogant and looking for fame. The boys continue to catfight, but they stop the episode and throw a “To be continued…” at us.
Before the episode ends, we are forced to endure a couple minutes of the whole “Brady and Britt” episode of “Blind Date.” Apparently Brady is going back home to Nashville, leaving Britt to go back to her job and count down the last few seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.
Until next week, kiddies!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!