This week on The Bachelorette, we’ve been spared from watching Kaitlyn cry about how hard her life is, and from marveling as Nick and Shawn battle it out for Kaitlyn’s heart (and vagina.) Instead, they’ve wheeled out all of Kaitlyn’s rejected men to talk crap on each other and ol’ Kait. But first, we get a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, where sexual chemistry (and most likely diseases) will run rampant alongside crying men and women in bikinis that resemble club wear.
The Ashley can’t freaking wait. Seriously I could watch this crap every single night.
Anyway, on to “Men Tell All” nonsense. As per usual, this “tell all” show will likely tell us absolutely nothing. Usually the Clorox bleach commercials they show in between segments are more entertaining than this special.
First the guys attack Ian, the guy that called Kaitlyn out for all her crap. Tanner goes first, telling Ian that his exit was disrespectful to them and to Kaitlyn. (Ian- you’re still my hero! Kaitlyn disrespected all of the guys, every week, making them humiliate themselves, and basically ignoring all the dudes that she didn’t want to bone.)
Corey (wait–who? Does he even go to this school?) agreed with Ian, saying that Kaitlyn didn’t take her role as ‘Bachelorette’ seriously. Ian gets up and, in an attempt to extend his 4.5 minutes of fame, gets down on bended knee and asks the guys’ forgiveness.
After they tell Ian to get his butt out of the spotlight, Corey starts to attack Clint for his arrogance and “Brokeback” romance with JJ. Clint and JJ assure everyone that they’re straight. JJ states that he and Clint were “intellectual curious” about each other, and there was “a lot of meat” to their conversations and their relationship was deep.
Next, the subject of Nick comes up, and a bunch of the guys call Kaitlyn out for being a turd and letting some rando come on the show halfway through. Kupah is back (but, alas, “our princess is still in another castle”) and is ready to rip Kaitlyn a new one for humping Nick while other guys lost their jobs to be on this crappy show. (Wait– wasn’t Kupah already gone when Nick came on the show?)
The first guy to go into the “Hot Seat” is JJ. The only good part about this is that we get to watch a clip of when JJ and Clint breakup again, and when JJ beat the crap out of himself again. Honestly, that was the only exciting part of this whole damn season.
JJ apologizes to the other guys for being a pompous ass most of the season and the guys try to pretend like they care. They all have this glazed-over look in their eyes, like they’re all dreaming about hitting up the craft services table after this sh*tshow is over.
Next up is Ben Z. He hauls his big, beefy body over to the hot seat. They show a clip of Ben Z. being blindsided by Kaitlyn and the camera guy desperately scans for a person in the audience who is crying after watching the clip. They have to settle for some chick who’s actually just scratching her eye.
Ben assures Chris that he was in love with Kaitlyn. Chris asks Ben if he has cried over Kaitlyn (since Ben said he hasn’t cried in like 20 years). Ben says he hasn’t.
Would he cry if Chris punches him in the balls? Can we try it? I’m falling asleep here, guys.
They wheel out Jared, the elf. They show clips of him leaving brokenhearted. They legit have nothing to talk about and Chris resorts to talking about Jared’s personal hygiene and his shaving regiment. This is why I don’t recap these “Tell All” specials, people!
They roll out Ben H. next, and he gets a huge screaming applause from the ladies in the audience. This, of course, is indicative of him being the next ‘Bachelor.’ (Of course, they also screamed like that for ol’ Juan Pablo before he became the ‘Bachelor,’ member?)
Ben says he’s still looking for love (hear that producers?) and that he loved Kaitlyn very much. He says Kait really loved him too (along with two other dudes).
Next they talk about that fateful week in San Antonio where Kait snuck down to the room he was sharing with Shawn. Ben was stuck on a cot, while Shawn got the king bed to himself. Ben said that Kait “jumped in bed” with Shawn and while Ben was in the shower, “something” happened between Kait and Shawn. (Perhaps a little “rub-a-dub” for Shawn as well?)
Ben says that, miraculously, Kaitlyn boinking Shawn helped his relationship with her…or something.
I think all of these people are nuts.
They finally bring out Kaitlyn, who’s dressed like a hooker version of a Supreme. She’s wearing a super-short sequined dress that’s see-through down the front. Chris brings up that Kaitlyn’s made some “controversial decisions” (re: decided to sleep with everyone).
Kait says that she’s been dealing with a lot of hate from viewers for being a sex fiend. She says the thousands of comments and death threats she’s gotten have been hard to deal with. To prove their point, Chris reads a few “hate tweets” that Kait has gotten since the show started. The audience reacts by giving her a standing ovation.
Kaitlyn pretends that it’s hard to see all of the guys she “broke up with” during the season. Ben H. asks why the hell Kait confessed to Shawn that she had sex with Nick, but not to him. Kaitlyn starts talking in circles and it’s obvious she’s trying very hard not to have to tell this dude that she was never really into him.
Corey brings up that Kait bringing in Nick halfway through to bang is kind of like the guys dating another girl during the show. Kait is trying to come up with an explanation (while also trying to figure out who the hell Corey is), and she has no idea what to say. Tanner brings up that they were all tired hearing of Kait talk about Nick and Shawn. Kaitlyn says that it’s so hard to date a bunch of guys at once, and have everyone love her.
Next a bunch of the guys come up and apologize to Kaitlyn. W…T..F… Ryan, the drunk guy from night one, gives her a rose. (To be fair, he was right to apologize for his behavior.) Next, Ian gets down on one knee again and apologizes. Ugh…someone stab me in the eye with a rose. Please.
Next they show a blooper reel, which is basically two minutes of Kaitlyn’s laugh.
Mercifully the episode ends there. Either that or The Ashley passed out. Whatever. I’m done with this crap.
Next week is the season finale! After we sit through that, it’s on to ‘Paradise,’ guys!
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!