We made it, guys. The Ashley is so proud of all of you who have stuck this entire horrible season out until the end. We’ve watched a lot of horrible stuff (See The Ashley’s Top 12 list of WTF Moments here!) but this week Kaitlyn will finally decide who she wants to contractually bone for the next two to four months! She’s down to two men—Nick and Shawn—and, guys…she CAN SEE BOTH OF THEM AS HER HUSBAND!!!
She’s in love with both guys, of course, and both guys are in love with her and, well, it’s just so hard.
Tonight, both remaining dudes will meet Kaitlyn’s family before they head to the exotic, far-off land of…um, the Bachelor Mansion, where one/both/none of the guys will propose. (Is ABC going bankrupt? What gives with them only going to one foreign country this season? What is this, 2004? Geez.)
Spoiler alert: You’re going to need a full bottle of wine to get through this three-hour-long crapfest.
Chris Harrison kicks things off “live from Los Angeles” in a studio full of giddy thirty-something women, plus a few dudes who got dragged there by their girlfriends and are trying to hide so their poker buddies don’t see them.
We pick up at Kaitlyn’s mansion in Malibu. Her entire family has flown in for the occasion and is eager to learn all “a-boot” their darling Katie’s love life.
We get to meet Kaitlyn’s mom (whom I am fairly certain played Mary Ann on ‘Gilligan’s Island’), and her gossip-loving sister Hayley who can’t stop making “O” faces. Apparently, the sister is all about ‘The Bachelorette’ and knows about Nick’s storied past.
Kait’s father, stepfather and stepmother have also come along for the ride. All of them look horrified that this is what their lives have become.
Kaitlyn explains to her mom that Nick’s penis accidentally fell into her vagina during their special “off-camera” time. Kaitlyn’s mom doesn’t seem all that surprised by her daughter’s raunchiness because, well…it’s probably business as usual. But…um, who the hell tells their parents about their hump sessions?! Creepy…
Anyway, Nick is first to meet the fam, and is shocked to hear that Kaitlyn has spilled the beans that they’ve been boning for weeks.
Kait’s sister seems overly excited to meet Nick. (“Oh meeee gawwwd, it’s Nick from Andi’s season!” You know she totally got an Instagram pic!)
Nick tells the family that he came on the show only for Kaitlyn but Kait’s mom is skeptical. (It’s likely due to Nick being all shifty-eyed during this scene.)
Kait’s mom immediately springs on Nick and tells him he is possessive, arrogant and jealous. Nick denies being arrogant, but then immediately says he’s not surprised that he made the final two. Way to prove that, Nick!
Kait’s mom starts crying through her overlined eyeliner and fake eyelashes when Nick starts tearing up. His face turns all red, and that makes Kait’s mom soften.
Next, he has to sit down and talk with Kaitlyn’s dad. He starts off by telling Dad that he loves “every part of his daughter.” (Ew….)
Nick asks Dad to give him his blessing to marry Kaitlyn. Despite having only met this hooligan four minutes ago, Dad gives Nick the OK to propose to Kaitlyn. To celebrate that they have Kait’s family’s blessing, Nick mauls her out by the SUV before leaving. He’s basically “loving every part of her” until the producers are like, “Um, we have to get ya out of here, dude. Shawn’s on his way.”
They pretend that it’s a whole new day when the fam gets to meet Shawn, but we all know that they just made everyone put on a different shirt. For some reason, Kaitlyn’s mom is all suited up like a dancer from ‘Laugh In,’ and Kait’s stepdad is dressed like a pimp. Did I miss a segment or something?
Shawn arrives and Kaitlyn warns him to watch out for her mom. Oh, puh-lease…one look at Shawn’s chiseled face and Mom will be putty in his hot, rugged hand.
Shawn rattling on and on about how “special” this day when Mom says she’s anxious to talk to Shawn to ask
if he’s into older women he’s going to be all jealous if he ends up with Kaitlyn.
Um…well, if he doesn’t have to watch other dude bone his girlfriend he’ll probably be OK.
Next Mom brings up the fact that Kait humped Nick (Ew…..) and follows the conversation up with, “Well that’s Kaitlyn.”
Oh, Mom. I’m sure you were quite the bed hopper yourself back in your Go-Go dancing days!
Kait’s sister says that she’s suddenly Team Shawn because of…well…look at him. The sister looks like she’s ready to drop panties and throw herself at Shawn as soon as Kaitlyn leaves the room. (I’ll bet she wore her “fun underwear” for the occasion…just in case.)
Next, Shawn grabs Mom and Dad and asks for their blessing to marry Kaitlyn. Even though, again, they don’t know this dude at all, and they just told Howdy Doody that he could have their daughter, they say yes.
The next day is Kaitlyn’s final date with Nick. They’ve sent them to Marina Del Ray for the afternoon to go sailing. If I were Kaitlyn I’d be pissed. Other ‘Bachelorettes’ get to go to Aruba or Greece for their final week, while Kaitlyn gets stuck a few miles from LAX Airport. Don’t look in the water or you’ll see a used condom (probably discarded by Kaitlyn) or a heroin needle.
They spent the day kissing on the water all while the producers are kicking themselves for paying for other ‘Bachelorettes’ to go to all these pricey places, when they could have been saving major cash by sailing around LA all along.
Later that night is Nick and Kait’s last date. Nick seems confident that he will be the one that Kaitlyn chooses. They talk about how Nick stormed New York City to try to lay claim to Kaitlyn’s vagina, and they agree that it was the right thing to do.
He tells her, “I got you something…it’s in my bedroom.”
Kaitlyn looks surprised (and confused, like she’s trying to figure out if she should take her pants off now or later.)
Surprisingly, the gift is not his love snake. He’s created a photo frame with a photo of them, along with a note about how he feels about Kaitlyn. She pretends to love the gift, but you can tell she’s kind of disappointed the gift wasn’t Nick’s love snake.
The next day is Kaitlyn’s final date with Shawn. She’s still thinking about her night with Nick when Shawn arrives at the winery where their date will be. Shawn gives another one of his long-winded toasts and Kaitlyn looks like she’s doing her best not to rip the Hanes boxer briefs off his body.
They have an awkward talk about sunscreen and sleep, and Kaitlyn is acting all weird. Shawn seems to get the message that Kait is thinking about Nick and starts to get nervous that he’s going to get dumped.
We don’t even get to see their winery date.We do get to see Kait arrive for their final time together at the hotel that night. That awkwardness continues, as Shawn tells Kaitlyn that he just wants to start “sharin’ moments in this crazy life” with her.
Why does everything he says sound like it came from a Hallmark card? Or a country song?
Next he presents a jar full of crap he collected over the course of their “relationship.” Kait’s really excited about the crap jar, and that makes Shawn decide that it will be OK to propose to Kaitlyn tomorrow.
The next day is proposal day. Kait wakes up fully made up in lingerie (as you do), while Shawn is strutting around his hotel room shirtless (again, as you do). Meanwhile, Neil Lane comes over to Nick’s hotel room to show him some engagement rings. Last season, Andi came instead of Neil and dumped Nick’s, so Nick’s really relieved to see Neil Lane’s smiling grin.
Both men pick out rings for Kaitlyn. Shawn tells us that he plans to propose to one woman, only once, in his life. Um…then probably don’t go on this stupid show if that’s your plan, bro.
Kaitlyn arrives at the Bachelor Mansion, looking disappointed that she’s not in France or Aruba or some other exotic location. Both men are seemingly en route to find out if they are going home engaged or brokenhearted.
Of course, we have to go check in with Chris Harrison in the studio before we see how this sh*tshow is going to end.
Kaitlyn’s all propped up in the backyard, waiting for the guy she’s about to dump to arrive.
The limo arrives and out pops Nick. Usually, the first man out is the man about to get the boot. He’s pretty confident that he’ll be handing over that Neil Lane sparkler to Kaitlyn in a few minutes and is casually running his hand through his curls. When he reaches Kait, however, he starts to get really nervous. He’s hunching over and making weird noises. (Is he constipated? Did he get his fiber today?)
He launches into his speech, all about how in love he is with this chick he’s been dating for like a month. Kaitlyn says nothing the whole time, as he rambles on about loving her forever. He pulls the ring out and is about to get down on one knee when she stops him.
“Wait…no?” he says, stunned.
Of course Kaitlyn let Nick get to the point of proposing. Even Andi spared him the embarrassment of getting to the proposal. If I were Nick, I’d push her in the pool for letting me ramble like that. She just wanted to hear him talk about how great she was.
Nick is over it, even as Kait talks about their special “off camera time” where they were “intimate.” Ew.
She insists that it was “real” to her, and Nick tells her to basically can it. Nick tells her it was wrong for her to take it this far and she starts blubbering. Nick points out that if Kaitlyn really loved him like she said, she would have chose him.
“You don’t love me,” he tells her.
Well…it’s looks like we’ll be seeing Nick again on ‘Bachelorette’ 2016!
He leaves with his head hung low, Charlie Brown style, and gets in the pity limo. He tosses the ring in the box and then rips off the ring that Kait gave him in Ireland and throws it.
“This was like a f**king joke,” he says.
Um…that’s what we’ve been saying all along. This show is horrible.
We go back to the studio where everyone is pretending to be stunned. The only thing I’m surprised about is that they didn’t wheel out ol’ Trista and Ryan (or better yet, Sean and Catherine, who are really the “Trista and Ryan” of the new millennium) to get their thoughts on the Nick dumping.
We go right into Shawn’s arrival. He walks down to where Kaitlyn’s standing and starts another long-winded speech. He says he wouldn’t change any of their “journey” (not even the part where she humped Nick?) He starts naming off body parts of Kaitlyn’s that he likes, and the magical Disney music starts playing.
I keep thinking the Little Mermaid and her sea pals are going to pop out of the pool and start singing, “Kiss the Girl” or something.
Kaitlyn tells Shawn that makes her feel all warm and fuzzy (and not just in the genital region). She talks about all the mistakes that she made and then stops talking to be all dramatic and pretend like she’s gonna dump him. Shawn starts to look like he’s going to vomit.
Seriously, what a bitch!
She declares her love for Shawn and promises to be forever faithful to him (Cough! Cough!)
Shawn gets down on bended knee, pops open that ring box (with “Neil Lane” script in full view) and slips the ring on her finger. It’s so big I’m surprised she didn’t fall in the pool from the weight.
She gleefully accepts the ring and they kiss before Kait presents the final rose. Spoiler alert: he accepts the rose.
They head out to the limo, proclaiming themselves to be the “two happiest kids in all the land.” Until their shocking split and the People magazine cover story about their breakup, of course.
Now, of course, it’s time to celebrate all of their love and crap. It’s time for the “After the Final Rose” special!
Shawn and Kait come out and make out for the crowd. Kaitlyn is dressed in a white dress (hahaha good one, Kait!) Of course, it’s slit all the way down the front.
First they bring out Nick, who has grown a beard since his dumping. (I’m crossing my fingers that he’ll bust out the ‘Why did you make love to me?’ line on Kaitlyn like he did with Andi!)
Nick starts rambling and Chris Harrison, desperate to keep the viewers tuned in for at least another 34 minutes, decides to wheel out Shawn so he and Nick can duke it out on live TV.
Can we get those sumo-wrestling costumes out here, please?
Shawn is acting awkwardly nice but it’s obvious he wants to punch Nick right in the junk. After they chat for a while, Shawn insists that he’s not the jealous prick the show made him out to be.
Later, they bring out Kaitlyn to face Nick. It’s awful.
This whole “After the Final Rose” special is awful. I miss the days where Jason Mesnick switched fiancés, or when Juan Pablo got all bitchy with Chris Harrison.
I’m done with this crap.
I’ll see y’all again when Bachelor in Paradise premieres!
To read The Ashley’s recaps of this season of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!