Get your sunscreen, swimsuit and STD medication ready—it’s Bachelor in Paradise time! We are heading down to the beaches of Mexico, where the rejects from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are competing for
money…er… prizes…er…well, nothing but about three more minutes of reality TV fame and possibly a bad case of herpes.
Let’s get started!
Chris Harrison kicks things off by introducing us to the castaways who are here to find love.
The first one we meet is Ashley I, the Kardashian-knockoff “virgin” from Chris Soules’ season. Like a true Kardashian, she’s pimping out her sister, Lauren, and trying to get her on the reality show too.
Ashley S., the batsh*t crazy girl from Chris’ season is back as well. She still doesn’t blink, but swears she’s no longer crazy.
Jade, the girl who showed her naughties in Playboy and got dumped by Chris Soules, will also be in ‘Paradise.’ She seems to just be happy that she didn’t get stuck living on a farm in Iowa with Chris.
Carly from Chris’ season is back. She’s bleached her hair within an inch of its life (but did not dye her eyebrows for some reason). That will distract me all season.
Mikey T., the big testosterone-filled meatball, shows up to let everyone know that he can get the whole ‘Paradise’ gang “jacked” by the end of this season. Oh, yes, bro…the ladies will be lining up to talk creatine and protein powder.
Jillian, the fitness-obsessed girl from Chris’ season is serious about finding love. She’s so serious that she got big fake boobs for the occassion. Does anyone else think that she and Mikey T. should just go ahead and bang now? They’re basically made for each other.
There’s a dude named Dan from Desiree’s season that no one actually recognizes.
Juelia, the widow who ruined Chris’ pool party, will also be heading to Trainwreck Beach. She’s a single mom, but seems to have no qualms about leaving her daughter (again) to go hunt dick.
Tenley, the girl that got dumped by Jake the Bachelor in favor of Vienna, is there, and is reeling because her ex-boyfriend Kiptyn broke up with her and is now expecting a baby with his new girlfriend. Tenley says she wishes she were the one he had knocked up.
Jared, Jonathan and Tanner from Kaitlyn’s season are here too. Jared is still pretending like he was in love with Kait. Two minutes of gawking at Ashley I’s Kardashian boobs and Kait will be far from his memory.
That’s our first batch of degenerates. Ashley I. arrives first, and pretends that she just randomly brought her (sluttier) sister Lauren with her. Of course, Ashley’s worried that all the dudes will want to boink Lauren instead of her. (Lauren’s the Khloe—you don’t have to worry about that.)
The girls from Chris’ season immediately see Ashley I. and look like they’re about to vomit. All of the girls look sick when they realize she’s multiplied and brought her sister.
“I make out with them and then my sister finishes them,” Ashley tells us of how she and her sister handle guys.
Way to come out classy, gals. I’m sure your father is so, so proud.
As soon as Mikey sees Lauren, he starts peeling off clothes (and pouring sweat).
“Lauren seems like she’s just here to flirt and drink and have fun with the guys,” Jade tells us. “I don’t think the guys will be into that.”
Um…have you never watch this crapshow, Jade? That’s kind of the idea.
Mikey has proven Jade’s statement to be wrong. He’s already got Lauren out in the ocean and looks like he’s preparing to mount her, Juan Pablo-style right there in the water.
While everyone’s frolicking, Kirk from Ali’s season strolls in, looking like someone’s uncle from Minnesota. He’s more white bread than Wonder, but Carly seems to like his untanned and khaki-wearing look. He busts out the high school Spanish and Carly seems to be swooning.
Since the beach is lacking in douchebags, they wheel in JJ from Kaitlyn’s season. He’s all suited up in pink pants (natch) and all of the girls are disgusted by him.
Ashley S. arrives and is intrigued by the parrots in the cage. Chris Harrison looks like he’s about to shove Ashley into that cage. Safety first.
(By the way– if you’re having a hard time remembering who the hell these people are, click here for The Ashley’s in-depth descriptions of the entire ‘BIP’ Season 2 cast!)
Now that everyone has arrived (for now) Chris explains to the ladies that, this week, if they don’t attract a man to give them a rose, they’ll get the boot. He also explains that if a guy gives a flower to Ashley I., the sister gets to stay, and vice versa. Ashley is happy to hear this, and is planning to pimp out her sister’s vagina in order to secure their spot in ‘Paradise’ for a few more weeks. As you do.
Next, he promises the Paradisers a surprise. Everyone starts panicking—will it be a surprise Chlamydia test?!
They turn the corner and see a spot set up for a ceremony. The gang sits down and wonders what’s going on. A group of people that no one knows arrives and the cast realizes they’re attending a wedding. All of a sudden, Marcus from last season of ‘BIP’ strolls in, and the gang realizes that it’s Marcus and Lacey’s wedding.
Surely Lacey and Marcus have been dreaming of the day where they got to get marry in front of 16 sweaty, scantily clad sleazebags.
Finally, Lacey strolls down the aisle toward Marcus and she looks gorgeous. Chris Harrison is officiating the ceremony, of course, and Marcus and Lacey recite their own vows. Ashley I. is laughing, her sister is pretending to cry and Ashley S. looks confused.
They say I do and the gang cheers, hoping that they, too, will find love (and get a televised wedding paid for by ABC!)
Lacey and Marcus say their goodbyes and wish the new batch of Paradisers good luck.
Later that night, the liquor is flowing (as is Mikey’s testosterone) and all of the guys are flocking to Jade. At one point, there’s literally a circle of dudes around her trying to see her Playboy bunnies.
Of course, one of these lunatics is already crying. Ashley’s sister Lauren is blubbering in the corner, and Mikey comes to comfort/grope her. She’s freaking out and all the dudes are taking notice that Lauren’s already being a drama queen.
She says Juelia and Tenley are old (they’re in their early thirties, btw) and she’s only 24 and doesn’t want to hang out with these old ladies and boring men. Ashley’s eager to get back to the party and see if she can get Jared to go to third-and-a-half base with her. Jared, however, doesn’t even seem to notice Ashley.
Meanwhile, everyone else is getting drunk and trying to decide whose private parts they’ll be touching that night.
Kirk and Carly have partnered up and are being all awkward. Kurt looks like he wants to kiss her but doesn’t have the balls. (We all know that Jillian has the biggest balls on the beach.) Finally, Carly just lays one on him and they make out. This leads to an all-night snuggle session for them.
Ashley, however, is acting like a giggly seventh grade girl, who is scribbling Jared’s name in her Lisa Frank notebook. She can’t figure out what to talk about, so she brings up the fact that she thinks she’s a Disney princess. Everyone knows that guys love to talk to psychotic girls who think they are Princess Jasmine.
Jared, in turn, asks Jade to go hang out with him, and seems anxious to get as far from Ashley (and her imaginary magic carpet) as possible. Ashley is shocked that Jared didn’t propose to her right there on the spot. She brought up that she’s wearing her JASMINE BATHING SUIT, guys!
The next morning, the date card arrives and it goes to Ashley I. All of the men seem to have the look on their face that says, “Please don’t pick me. Please don’t pick me.”
Jared looks like he’d rather rip off his own arm and beat himself to death with it than spend time alone with this nutbag. Ashley asks Jared to go on the date and he accepts, but you can tell he thinks his Ashton Kutcher-lookin’ face is way too hot for this loony tune.
Ashley’s spewing her “Aladdin” nonsense again, so it should only take eight to 10 minutes for Jared to trade her for a piñata or nachos or something once they hit the streets of Mexico.
The date turns out to be off-roading, which, luckily for Jared, prevents Ashley from talking much. After the dunebugging, they go out into the ocean and Ashley asks Jared about his feelings for Kaitlyn and they seem to be getting along. Oh, just you wait, Jared…just you wait…
Back in Paradise, all of the guys have labeled Jade the “kingpin” of ‘Paradise’ poon. Of course, the next date card goes to her, so she will have to declare interest in one guy finally.
Just then, Jared and Ashley come back from their date, which further complicates things for Jade, who also has interest in Jared. Finally, Jade decides she wants to take Tanner on a date. Ashley’s relieved, and Tanner’s thrilled. They have dinner on the beach, and Tanner decides to bring up Jade’s Playboy past. She’s happy that he’s not judging her like Farmer Chris did.
Jade seems to like how humble Tanner is and they make out. Then Jade suggests they go jump in the river (despite the bad weather). Nothing says love like leeches and the possibility of being struck by lightening.
Back at camp, the gang realizes that they are missing a Paradiser. Ashley S. went missing and when she emerges, she’s being loaded into an ambulance on a stretcher. Dan runs up to see her. Everyone thinks he’s being a gentleman. I think he’s just being nosey. He jumps into the ambulance to go to the hospital with her. (Does he realize she’s probably heading to the psych ward? I don’t think she gets to cast a vote if she’s in a straightjacket.)
All of a sudden, Clare Crawley comes out of the jungle. She’s back, tear ducts full and vagina yearning for sausage. First of all, how old is this broad? Isn’t she in her mid-thirties? Honey, give it up. Make a Match.com account and call it a day.
That ends the first half of the premiere episode. Tomorrow night we’ll have to sit through two more hours of this crapfest. Someone send The Ashley a barrel of wine if you want her to get through the next part of this episode.