Break out your JC Penny prom dress and slap on some hair extensions, ladies, because The Bachelor is back! It feels like it’s been years since we walked the cornfields with Farmer Chris on the last season of the show!
For this season’s Bachelor, they’ve chosen Ben Higgins, a software salesman from Indiana who is just about as exciting as a software salesman from Indiana sounds. Of course, he’s brought his “open heart” for “this journey” and he’s “ready to find love.” He’s 26 and from a small town in Middle America. To demonstrate this, they drag him out to some farm with a barn and make him shoot hoops. We are then treated to seeing Ben’s elementary school (where he says he still creeps around occasionally…), the movie theater where he had his first kiss, and some weird parade-thing that’s held in a parking lot.
Ben tells us that he wants to find a love that’s true and real. So…he goes on a TV show that is full of manufactured romance, fake women and editing, naturally. Sounds like a plan to success!
Ben’s parents seem to be disappointed that their son has been a complete failure in finding love. They’ve been married for decades, but Ben is forced to peddle himself on a a stupid reality show to find a woman.
After standing by a random tree, pondering his future, he heads off to LA to begin his “journey.”
He ditches his hick truck for a classic Mustang and pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion, ready to bang some broads…er, I mean meet the love of his life.
Of course, they wheel out three former ‘Bachelors’ to give Ben advice. Farmer Chris, Sean Lowe (you know he ain’t missing a chance to get his mug on TV again!) and Jason Mesnick arrive at the Mansion to give Ben a pep talk.
Oh, fantastic. Jason, the dude who picked the wrong girl, and Sean, who’s currently on Marriage Boot Camp, and Chris, the farmer who got dumped, are giving Ben advice on finding a successful relationship. This should go well…why not wheel out ol’ Juan Pablo so he can put in his two cents as well. #EsOkay
After giving Ben some useless advice, the guys send Ben off to meet his harem of women.
As per usual, there will be a crapload of crazy women to keep things exciting.
First we meet Lauren, a beach bunny from Southern California. She’s a flight attendant who says she’s “so single” and “so sad.” She’s already telling her friends to call her “Hashtag Mrs. Higgins.”
Next up we meet Caila, who fell in love with Ben when he was on Kaitlyn’s season, despite the fact that she was already in a relationship with the person she thought was “the one.”
Next is Jubilee, a veteran with horribly placed tattoos. There’s also Mandi, a Portland dentist who is very serious about oral… health.
We meet Emily and Haley, 22-year-old twins who basically share a brain. And a small one at that…
We also meet Amanda, who is 25 and from Orange County, California. She has two little girls from her previous marriage. She says she got divorced two years ago.
So…to recap…Amanda was married and divorced with two kids by the age of 23. As you do.
There’s Tiara, who calls herself a “chicken enthusiast.” She has framed photos of her chickens on her dresser (along with a photo of Ben.) She’s nervous to leave her chickens for a chance with Ben.
“What comes first, the chicken or the Ben?” she asks.
Um…she should be exiled to an island with Juan Pablo just for saying that. Seriously.
Back at the Mansion, Ben has arrived and is about to meet the first limo of “ladies.”
Out first is flight attendant Lauren. They compare heart palpitations and Lauren pins Ben with some flight wings. She also uses a terrible pun about having their relationship “take off.”
Next out is Caila, who just does a running leap into Ben’s arms. He catches her (damn it).
We move on to Jennifer, who seems nonchalant about the whole thing. She’s quickly forgotten when Jami arrives. She is Canadian, so of course she knows Kaitlyn. What a coincidence!
Ben is intrigued by Amanda. Maybe it’s her revealing dress…maybe it’s her simple greeting, or maybe it’s her Minnie Mouse voice.
Next we meet Lace. It’s not Lacey, y’all, just Lace. She looks like Sarah Silverman and demands Ben gives her the first kiss. She seems like loads of fun…
The next girl gets insta-creepy when she starts talking about how she’s been stalking Ben on social media. She knows everything about him, but he doesn’t even know her name.
Oh, you will, Benny. It will be on the restraining order.
Shushanna comes out of the limo and refuses to speak English. She’s speaking Russian (I think?), and Ben looks like he’s over the whole Rosetta Stone greeting.
Leah comes out looking classy, but quickly ruins it by squatting down and hiking up her gown. She looks like she’s going to take a poop right there in the driveway but instead ends up throwing him a football.
JoJo arrives wearing a unicorn head. She looks like Isla Fisher and even acts like Isla’s obnoxious character in “Wedding Crashers.” Good luck with that one, Benny!
We meet Lauren, a kindergarten teacher who has carried a wilting bouquet she got at a wedding the week before. She makes him pin the rotting flowers to his tux and walks off.
Next out of the limo is Laura, who prefers to be called “Red Velvet,” due to her red hair.
Um…what time will you be hitting the main stage tonight, Red Velvet? And will you be accepting clients in the champagne room this evening as well?
The twins are next to pop out of the limo. Ben immediately gets pervy and asks for a group hug. He’s stammering like a 14-year-old boy who found his first Playboy and suddenly there’s this aura of dirty uncle circulating the driveway.
Oh my God. Can you imagine if they had given twins to Juan Pablo? They would have had to hose down the driveway again to get rid of all the slobber. Ben does a pretty good job of perving the place up, though, as you can see in this clip…
Maegan comes up the walk next, pulling Huey, a mini horse. Apparently the horse is going to be hanging out inside the Mansion with the girls.
Not gonna lie—I’d probably date Huey before I dated any of these lunatics.
Breanne arrives and immediately starts talking about how she doesn’t eat gluten. Everyone knows that guys can’t resist a woman who talks about how they won’t eat carbs. Let’s cross our fingers that she tells us about her Crossfit team next.
We meet Lindsay, who’s wearing a onesie, and Rachel, an unemployed girl who arrives on one of those Hoverboard things that don’t actually hover.
While all of the girls are hanging out in the Mansion, Lace is making snarky comments about everyone. She’s essentially doing exactly what The Ashley would do should she ever find herself on this horrific show.
Jessica arrives wearing a rhinestone dress circa 1999. She’s an accountant, and Ben seems to like her, despite her horrific fashion choice.
The next girl is Jackie, who arrives with a pre-printed Save the Date with her and Ben’s names on it. She’s even created a hashtag for their wedding. Send her to the Juan Pablo island with the chicken girl, please.
Olivia is a news anchor who seems to have caught Ben’s eye. She seems a bit too normal, so I’m expecting her to completely lose her sh*t within the hour.
Finally, all 26 women have arrived and met Ben. All the girls are talking about how they are already in love with Ben, how he’s a God (yes, someone actually said that) and how he’s perfect.
Meanwhile, Ben calls his parents in the middle of the driveway of the Mansion to talk about all the hot ass he’s about to get. He then goes into the Mansion to receive his harem (and the horse).
Ben walks in, and all of the girls scream, “Wooooooo!” like they’re in the audience at a taping of Saved by the Bell and Slater has just taken off his shirt.
Ben’s not even a sentence into his welcome speech when Mandi the RoseHead goes up and steals him away. Ben seems a little put off by her rudeness. To make things even weirder, she decides to give him oral right there on the patio. An oral exam, that is…
No, I’m not going to stop making this joke. At least, not tonight…
Later, Olivia tells Ben that she walked away from her news anchoring job so that she could come on this stupid show.
“I left something really good to find something really great,” she tells him.
Um…so you ditched your dream job so you could have a 1/25 chance at having this random dude pick you? It’s going to be hard for Olivia to explain to her next potential employer that she left her last job so she could meet a random reality show dude.
Another limo arrives outside and out comes Becca, the runner-up during Farmer Chris’ season. Amber, who was also rejected by Chris, along with everyone on this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise, has tagged along too, and both girls are determined to get another shot at reality TV love. Unfortunately for the girls, Ben is allowed to tell them to hit the bricks if he wants. (How fantastic would it be if he tells one girl to stay and one girl to leave?!)
The other girls, meanwhile, are not happy to see two more broads competing for their man. They are worried about Becca being competition, but no one seems upset that Amber’s there. After all, we know she’s not going to last long enough to unpack her suitcase all the way.
“Everyone knows Becca,” Jubilee says. “Everyone knows…um…Amber?”
Becca goes to find Ben, who’s talking to some broad in the living room. Ben is clearly smitten with Becca, and barely notices when Amber comes in the room they’re in.
During all of this time, Lace has been drinking heavily. She’s starting to slur her words (yessss) so things are going to get interesting. She insists that Ben kiss her on the lips for the first kiss. However, Mandi comes out of nowhere and steals Ben again, which pisses Lace off. She looks like she’s gonna go all “American Gladiator” on this broad’s ass, but for some reason she lets Mandi take Ben.
Later, though, Ben goes to find Lace. He takes her aside and all the girls are curious as to why Ben wants to see her. Ben’s trying to talk to her, but Lace is having a hard time keeping her eyes open. He tells her that he wants to get to know her before they kiss, which basically translates into, “Don’t be such a ho, girl! Your mom is watching!”
Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose, which makes all the women squirm in anticipation.
He is enjoying Lauren B’s company. She seems simple and nice (and possibly even has her own hair!) She may have a good shot of getting the rose.
Some other girl talks to Ben next, harping about how important morals and values are. She does this, of course, while her giant breasts are hanging out the top of her dress. As you do.
It’s time for Ben to hand out the damn flower. Everyone holds their breath as Ben grabs the rose, and heads into the other room. He takes Olivia on a walk and tells how he was impressed that she left her dream job to be with him. He presents her with the rose and she excitedly accepts it.
All of the other girls are shooting daggers at Olivia as she stands there holding her rose. Lace is guzzling every glass of cheap champagne in the room to dull the pain, and looks like she’s about one-half glass away from passing out on the bathroom floor.
Also…can we get an update on Huey the Horse? He’s seriously the most interesting thing on this show.
It’s time for the first rose ceremony. Ben has to ditch some of these broads and he seems eager to do it.
He gives the first rose to Lauren B, and then gives a flower to LB. All the woman are sweating in their Spanx, as Caila is awarded a rose. Amber shockingly gets a rose next, even though Ben seems to have no attraction to her whatsoever. Jaime is awarded the next rose, followed by Jennifer. He gives Jubilee a rose, and then hands a flower to Amanda (the mom with the “I have daddy issues” voice).
JoJo gets a rose, as does Leah (the football punter). Rachel is next, followed by Samantha and Jackie. Haley (one of the twins) gets a flower, as does her sister Emily.
Becca has yet to receive a rose and she’s feeling nervous.
“I’ll be embarrassed if I don’t get a rose,” she tells us.
Um…you should be embarrassed just for appearing on this stupid show–twice!
Shoshanna manages to snag a rose, despite the fact that she still refuses to speak English. Lauren H. is called next, followed Becca, who breathes a sigh of relief that she won’t be humiliated on TV (again).
“Let’s be honest,” quips Lace. “Who wants a f**king virgin?”
Mandi gets a rose (and not the one on her head).
It’s down to one more rose. We know they’re gonna make Ben keep Lace, just for the drama she will surely bring. Let’s hope she is at least sober enough to walk up and collect her flower.
Of course, Lace gets the last rose. The flowerless girls are left devastated, knowing that they will not have the chance to go on this “journey” with Ben.
We must bid farewell to “Red Velvet.” Damn! She seems all broken up over being rejected, and blames it on her hair color, naturally…
Breanne, the gluten-free girl, is also cut. She wonders why she wasn’t chosen as she tearfully gets into the Pity Shuttle.
Back inside, Lace angrily steals Ben as soon as the ceremony ends. Lace is upset that Ben didn’t make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony, and that Ben dared to call her name last. You can almost see Ben pleading with the producers with his eyes to cut this drunken broad loose.
Ben looks scared, and tries to calm the crazy a bit. She is the epitome of what almost every guy fears they will get matched up with on a blind date.
Tonight we lost the following girls: Breanne (the anti-gluten warrior), Tiara (the lady with a weird attachment to chickens), Maegan (and her mini pony), Lauren R. (who made Ben wear her old wilted flowers), Izzy (who arrived in a onesie and deserved what she got), Laura (otherwise known as “Red Velvet”) and Jessica (who worked hard to prove to her mom that she would eventually wear that prom dress from 1999 again).
We see highlights of the upcoming season: Ben and a girl jumping off a boat, Ben and a girl watching a private fireworks show, and…of course, a crap-ton of women who immediately tell Ben that they are in love with him.
Apparently, Lace is also going to hit a girl in the face, and Olivia is going to bust out the, “I am not here to make friends” line.
Oh, and everybody is going to cry. A lot.
Until next week…