‘Bachelor’ Ben Episode 5 Recap: Bad Spanish & Big Mouths in Mexico

Stop.This.Now.
Stop.This.Now.

This week on The Bachelor, Ben and his gang of over-tanned degenerates begin their trip around the world. The first stop is Mexico City, where this week’s episode will take place. Any ‘Bachelor’ fan who has sat through an episode of Bachelor in Paradise knows one thing about Mexico: girls get extra emotional (and annoying) once they cross that border, so this episode should be harder to stomach than cheap tequila and a plate of roach coach taquitos.

The episode starts out with some stereotypical mariachi music and Ben, who is quite possibly the whitest man on the planet, screaming “Viva La Mexico!” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…this is why other countries hate us people, we do crap like this.

The girls arrive, and for some reason everyone wants to get all multicultural. The girls toast to “finding love in Me-j-ico.” They all cheer and it’s almost as if they all don’t realize that they’re all dating the same dude.

"I promise never to use my high school Spanish while on this date!"
“I promise never to use my high school Spanish while on this date!”

The first one-on-one date card arrives for Amanda and it says that Ben wants her eggs…or something. Amanda, of course, is our token single mom, so she has to talk about how she needs to make sure she likes Ben enough to stick around rather than going home.

Allow me to help you: NO. You shouldn’t be there. Go home to your kids. Seriously. No one is saying you can’t date as a single mom but…do you really need to go away for months to be on a reality show to date a guy that’s also dating 25 other women? Um. No.

Anyway, Ben surprises the girls by sneaking into their suite in the middle of the night. All of the girls start screaming, knowing that Ben’s seeing them with their retainers in, real faces showing and fake hair detached.

"This isn't MY retainer...I swear!"
“This isn’t MY retainer…I swear!”

“Our boyfriend is here!” one girl screams.

Nope…nothing creepy about that, right?

He finds Amanda and she’s one of the only ones who doesn’t look like Swamp Thing reincarnated. Meanwhile, all of the other girls are hiding under the sheets so Ben doesn’t see their real faces.

Amanda is date-ready in five minutes, and she soon leaves with Ben. That allows the other chicks to talk trash on Amanda while she’s gone. They’re stuck in the hotel room all day doing nothing, so what better to fill the time than to talk crap? Luckily, the monotony is broken up by the arrival of another date card.

“Come deee de say,” Emily reads in her best Spanish accent.

Dear God.

"It is too damn early in the morning for this crap."
“It is too damn early in the morning for this crap.”

It’s the group date card, and everyone but Lauren H. is included, which means she’ll get the next one-on-one. Olivia is upset that she wasn’t chosen. She shows this by awkwardly opening her mouth.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Ben are hot air ballooning over [Viva la] Mexico. They are also awkward kissing while the balloon operator tries to act like he’s not watching. The date continues with a picnic in a field of weeds.

The date continues into the night, where Ben and Amanda meet for fake dinner. She’s nervous to talk about her past because she doesn’t want to scare Ben away with the whole “married/divorced/two kids by 25” thing.

"How do you feel about dining at Chuck E. Cheese for the next 13 years?"
“How do you feel about dining at Chuck E. Cheese for the next 13 years?”

She opens up about how crappy her marriage was after the first kid—her ex was mean, had addictions and wasn’t interested in being around Amanda. They were still banging, though, because she got pregnant again. Soon after, she discovered that her ex was also banging other broads, so they ended up getting divorced.

“I don’t want you to feel like it’s weird that I’ve been married before,” she says.

Nope…it’s weird that you’re trying to marry some dude you just met on a TV show. That’s all.

Of course, Ben gives Amanda the rose, and tells us that he wants to be the guy to give Amanda all the love [in the Fantasy Suite?]

The next day is the group date. Ben meets up with the girls, all of whom have worn their skankiest shorts for the occasion. Jubilee ain’t having the whole group date thing. She is starting the date off bitter, which is great for us to watch.

"One thing I like about you is that you never close your mouth. Maybe that will bode well for me in the Fantasy Suite?"
“One thing I like about you is that you never close your mouth. Maybe that will bode well for me in the Fantasy Suite?”

Meanwhile, Olivia has reached new levels of desperation.

“I’m starting off this date knowing I need a rose,” Olivia tells us. “I’m willing to anything to get it.”

The girls enter a classroom and learn that they’re going to attempt to learn Spanish.

Some poor teacher who got suckered into this hot mess attempts to teach the girls the language. Unfortunately, their “Spanish” just sounds like a bunch dying cats yelping in the night.

"Oh helllll no."
“Oh helllll no.”

Ben proclaims his love for each girl in Spanish, so by the time he says he’s in love with Jubilee, she’s basically just like, “Mmmm-hmmm.”

Soon, it’s Olivia’s turn and she’s eager to show off her foreign language skills. Someone’s obviously studied the menu at Taco Bell because she’s able to actually say something in Spanish without having the teacher look like he wants to strangle her.

After the class, Ben takes the girls to a restaurant, where they learn that they’ll get to cook some Mexican food. The recipes will be in “Espanol” of course, which frightens all of the girls. The girls pair up, and immediately Olivia realizes that Ben can be part of a team. Olivia and Jubilee are literally about to throw their high heels at each other in order to be Ben’s partner. Olivia somehow snags him as a partner, and Jubilee is not happy.

"Good God, woman, do you gargle with garlic or what?!"
“Good God, woman, do you gargle with garlic or what?!”

Why do I have a feeling that we’re gonna find one of Olivia’s nasty ass toes in Jubilee’s enchiladas?

The girls are attempting to read the recipes in Spanish and shop for the ingredients. None of the market employees want to be shown on camera, and who can blame them?

All of the girls are jealous as they watch Olivia getting a lot of one-on-one time. She’s doing shots with Ben, feeding him crap and basically rubbing it in the other girls’ faces that she gets to be with Ben and spray her alleged dragon breath all over him.

The girls start cooking, and they’re all trying to use a tight space.

“I’m no longer the bachelor,” Ben says. “I’m the spatchular.”

Someone please lock that man in a freezer so he can think about what he just said.

It’s finally time for Ben and the chefs to try all of the girls’ dishes. It’s instantly becoming an episode of Chopped and the broke-down Aaron Sanchez is just not doing it for me.

Let's hope they did a knife count at the end of the date. Otherwise Olivia may be in trouble...
Let’s hope they did a knife count at the end of the date. Otherwise Olivia may be in trouble…

There are a ton of sexual innuendos being thrown around here.

“I know my taco is good,” JoJo tells us. “My taco is delicious.”

Oh, JoJo, I see what you did there, girl!

Later that night, the girls get ho’d up for cocktails. Jubilee’s determined to get Ben away from Olivia, but, of course, Olivia immediately steals him away.

Ok, why is Ben such a wuss? After spending all day with her, he should have told her no.

Jubilee is legit pouting in the corner like a five-year-old. Her arms are crossed, her lips are pouted and she’s angry that Ben’s kissing every other girl.

Jubilee is really feeling low by the time Ben has literally kissed every woman within a two minute radius. He takes an extra-long time with Lauren B., and all of the other girls notice. He finally gets to Jubilee, after essentially going to second base with Lauren in the street. He calls Jubilee aside and she’s shooting some major attitude at Ben.

She tells Ben that she doesn’t like to go on group dates because she doesn’t like to be overshadowed.
Oh, hey…I know…don’t go on a reality show where you’re dating some dude who’s got 25 other girlfriends.

"Waaa!"
“Waaa!”

Ben calls her out for being a frosty biotch about everything, and you can tell that Ben is just pleading with the producers (via his eyes) to let him let her go. Finally, he basically tells her that because she’s an exhausting person to be around, he doesn’t have any feelings toward her. He tells her to hit the bricks and escorts her to the Pity Limo Cab as fast as he can.

“Feets don’t fail me now!”

He pretends to be all broken up about having to let Jubilee go, then goes back up to tell the girls that while there is a man out there for someone like Jubilee, he’s glad as hell it’s not him. In the middle of his speech, JoJo interrupts him and asks to steal him away.

Really?

JoJo uses her tongue to nurse Ben’s emotional wound and after their makeout session, it’s time for Ben to give out the date rose. He gives Olivia the rose, and all the girls are shocked. Their mouths are hanging open, Olivia-style. Emily is especially upset, so she is planning to tell Ben what Olivia’s really like.

"Can I get a security guard detail after I do this or...no?"
“Can I get a security guard detail after I do this or…no?”

Emily! You know what happens to the girl who tells the Bachelor about the bitchy girl. She goes home and misses out on free trips! Keep your trap shut and log those airline miles, gitl!

The next day is Lauren H’s date with Ben. She’s been blending into the blond background for the whole season, so this is the first time we’re really even hearing her talk, let alone seeing her personality.

They meet up with a Mexican fashion designer, who tells them that they’ll be walking in a fashion show for Mexico Fashion Week.

"So this is what it's like to live la vida loca!"
“So this is what it’s like to live la vida loca!”

Soon, they’ve got Ben all suited up in something that looks like it came from Ricky Martin’s garage sale.

Lauren walks the runway, but I can’t even watch her because I’m too busy watching and laughing at Ben the Model. The hair, the exposed chest hair— I can’t take it.

After they’ve shucked off their ridiculous model clothes, Lauren H. and Ben head to dinner. Ben says that “it’s been a slow burn” with Lauren. (That basically means that he keeps forgetting that she’s on this stupid show.)

"Tell me name again...just one more time."
“Tell me your name again…just one more time.”

Lauren says she admires the fact that Ben was able to get rid of Jubilee and admit that he wasn’t feeling chemistry with a girl.

Well…that’s good that you like that Lauren because…well, your clock is ticking. You will soon be scooted off into the Pity Cab.

Lauren starts blabbing about her old boyfriend who dumped her after cheating on her, and Ben looks like he’s just trying to keep his eyes open during the conversation.

"Must..keep...listening to boring story...Can't...keep...eyes...open..."
“Must..keep…listening to boring story…Can’t…keep…eyes…open…”

When he realizes he’s finally got to contribute something, anything, he just kisses her. Lauren tells us that she’s so grateful to finally have someone who “gets her.”

She gets the date rose and seems to be eager to regale Ben with more stories of her cheating ex-boyfriends.

The next night is the Rose Ceremony and cocktail party. Leah, who has probably only said two words to Ben the whole season (and they were in bad Spanish), says that she wants to marry Ben right there in the hotel courtyard. Unfortunately for her, Ben couldn’t even pick her out of a lineup.

"I could totally marry you, Bill. Errr...I mean, Ben!"
“I could totally marry you, Bill. Errr…I mean, Ben!”

“I could see a life with you,” she tells him.

Ben seems confused. (Perhaps he thinks she’s a cocktail waitress?) Just to be safe, he starts kissing Leah too.

Amanda, Olivia and Lauren H. have roses, so the other girls are eagerly scrambling to spend time with Ben. JoJo basically throws herself at Ben.

“I really love…hanging out with you,” she says.

Meanwhile, the girls are talking to Amanda about her kids.

“I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom,” Olivia says.

Everyone just stares awkwardly at Olivia after she makes that comment.

"She basically called me Farrah Abraham. This biotch needs to go."
“She basically called me Farrah Abraham. This biotch needs to go.”

“God that’s the most offensive thing in the world to say,” Emily says.

Well, wait a minute…which ‘Teen Mom’ are you talking about? If you’re calling Amanda a “Jenelle” then I get why she’s upset but, hey, a “Chelsea” wouldn’t be that bad.

Emily has had it! The ‘Teen Mom’ comment pushed her over the edge, so she marches over to Ben to let him know what’s going on. She tells Ben that Olivia’s been disrespectful and it made her question if she should even stick around. Ben seems concerned, and asks more questions. Olivia catches on that Emily’s talking about her, so she decides to go over to where the conversation is taking place.

She sits down and decides to give Ben a ring as a token of her affection. Ben looks confused, frightened and downright put off.

He begins to ask all of the other girls if Olivia really is horrible, and all of the girls agree that she is a giant crapgoblin.

"Slow clap for me for managing to not even appear in this episode but still get paid."
“Slow clap for me for managing to not even appear in this episode but still get paid.”

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and Olivia is sitting there with a great big smug smile on her face. Ben surprises her by asking to talk to her privately before the Rose Ceremony. The other girls are wondering if this will be the first time a rose is taken away from a girl who already has one.

Of course…the producers aren’t going to let us see her (and her ugly toes) get dumped. We get the “to be continued” message and we learn that next week everyone acts like complete crazy people.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!

(Photos: ABC)

8 Comments

  1. Jubilee you’re not dumb you just have normal feelings…I wouldn’t last a second on this show, it is stupid (can’t stop watching though). Maybe next week all of the girls revolt and leave him stranded on an island with Olivia?


  2. Love the review! And, I’m sorry, the “spatular” thing was just too great of a pun to be mad about. It’s not often you see punny humor on this show, it made me kind of happy! 🙂


  3. Can everyone just take a moment to appreciate the mention of Teen Mom on the show??? It was literally one of the best moments of my life.

    Anyone else feel like the producers gave Amanda “Disney princess” a heads up when Ben busted into the hotel room?? Who the hell wakes up, full makeup, hair perfect (ala Brit) and is date ready in 5 minutes??? Also, will this be a new aerial firm of transportation now?? The obligatory helicopter, the jet send NOW the mandatory hot air balloon date???

    Excellent recap as usual The Ashley!!!!

    Next week shit gets real!!! ( well……as real as the producers will allow)

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