It’s Bachelor time, bi-otches! There are X women left, all on a quest for Ben’s heart, and tonight they will stop at no act of desperation to win it! Things are starting to get tense among the girls, mainly because Olivia has upped her game in her quest to become the biggest ‘Bachelor’ villain since Courtney Robertson.
We pick up where we left off: Ben calls Olivia aside to talk about what a great big ol’ crapgoblin she’s become. Olivia explains that clearly all of the other girls are jealous of her because Ben likes her.
“I’m not like the other girls,” she tells Ben. “I like…thinking…and I want to talk smart…things.”
Um…is Olivia having a stroke? No, seriously, is she?
Emily, in particular, is angry about the whole Olivia debacle. Apparently she feels “personally victimized” by Regina George Olivia.
When the girls see Olivia coming back with the rose, they’re all pissed because they thought she was getting kicked off. Ben explains that, hey, he’s the Bachelor and he’ll make the decisions about who gets the boot. The girls, all eager to get a plane ticket to that next location, shut their traps…all except Emily, who is basically laughing at Olivia’s “hurt puppy” act.
It’s time to hand out the freaking flowers. The girls all line up and prepare to find out if their heart will be the one that will be broken.
Can we just kick off Jennifer now, since we know she’s the ones getting the boot? There’s no way that chick survives another week.
Caila gets the first rose, and Lauren B. gets the second. JoJo is called next, followed by Becca. The next rose goes to Leah, and there’s only one rose left.
It’s down to Jennifer and Emily. The final flower goes to Emily, which means that Jennifer, is, indeed the girl who’s going home.
She blubbers as she says goodbye to the other girls, and Ben tells the remaining girls that they will be heading to— The Bahamas!
The gang touches down in The Bahamas, and they promptly do the required location name scream. They arrive at a beautiful suite that overlooks the ocean.
Chris Harrison makes his two-minute appearance in the episode to inform the girls that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date and…a dreaded two-on-one date.
Caila gets yet another one-on-one date, which devastates Leah, who has yet to even breathe near Ben, let alone get a solo date.
“Now I’m questioning everything,” Leah blubbers.
You’re questioning if it was a good idea to devote your whole month to dating some random reality show dude alongside 25 other desperate women? Allow me to answer that one for ya: NO.
While Leah weeps, Ben and Caila head out to a boat. They’ll be going deep sea fishing, and Ben says he picked Caila for the date because their first one-on-one including Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, and this time around he’s eager to try to grope Caila without having two dudes staring at him.
Leah, meanwhile, is having a complete bathroom breakdown.
“I look like a total fool!” Leah cries.
Um…yeah? That’s kind of the whole point of this show: 20 or so girls go home looking like complete idiots crying in a limo, a few snag spots on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ or the ‘The Bachelorette,’ and one gets stuck with the dude.
They keep showing clips of Ben and Caila happily fishing and kissing in between shots of Leah wailing.The date card arrives, and Leah finds out that she’s going on yet another group date.
“It really sucks for me,” she cries.
Yeah, it must be really hard to go on a beach date in the Bahamas. Someone call Jerry Lewis—maybe we can organize some sort of telethon for Leah.
That means that Emily and Olivia will be going on a two-on-one.
Later at dinner, Ben asks Caila how she would react in a situation where he was struggling. It’s like she’s in a damn beauty pageant. I’m half expecting this chick to just smile and say “World peace?”
Caila decides to go for it and randomly tell Ben that she feels like she loves him.
“I don’t know why I can’t…share,” she says. “Maybe I’m not ready?”
Um…you’ve spent a total of about four hours with this guy. Maybe that’s it?
Ben’s confused because what Caila just said made no sense. She tells him that she feels like he’s the right person, and that she knows she’s falling in love because Ben makes her feel understood.
“I feel like I understand you as a person, and that you want other people to be loved,” she says. “I feel happy. This is real.”
Wait—is Caila having a stroke now? What the heck is she saying?
Whatever the hell she’s trying to explain must have worked because Ben gives her the date rose.
The next date is the group date, and Leah is determined to be a great big ol’ bummer because she hasn’t had “that time” alone with Ben. She says she wasn’t going to go on the date at all but then she decided that hanging out with Ben for five minutes is better than sitting with Olivia and Caila in a hotel room all day.
They set sail on a boat and the cocktails are flowing. The girls start to worry when Ben says they’re going to “his” private island. They’re worried that there are sharks in the water but there are actually….PIGS. The girls will be swimming with pigs.
Soon, the ocean becomes a jumble of screaming girls in bikinis. Pigs, hotdogs and boobies are flying everywhere. JoJo ends up getting attacked by a pig and it’s basically the best thing we’ve seen happen this season:
Screw the dude. I’d be rolling around with the pigs. They’d have to physically remove me and force me to act interested in Ben.
Lauren H. and Leah are sore that they quit their jobs and left their homes and they feel like they’re getting ignored by Ben.
“We have to, like, fight for his attention,” one says.
Why not fight for the pigs’ attention!? They are much more exciting than Ben, the Indiana Bore.
Ben’s all bummed out because some of the women are feeling neglected. These people need real problems.
Leah comes over to Ben to wail about him giving Caila a date and not her. She starts crying and proclaiming herself a “Group Date Groupie!” Ben assures her that she can get plenty of time on group dates. (Basically, he’s telling her that she’ll never see the inside of a one-on-one.) He forces himself to give her a pathetic hug to get her to go away and leave him alone so he can go make out with one of the other girls.
That night, Ben is going to attempt to “get back on track” with all of the girls, so he starts pulling them aside to give them a chance to bitch and cry.
What do you people have to bitch and cry about!? You’re on a free vacation in the Bahamas and you’re swimming with pigs. COME ON!
Leah, who’s all suited up like she’s going to Prom 1999, pulls Ben aside to tell him that there are a bunch of crappy women in the house.
“I don’t like drama or to say names,” she says, right before saying names. “Lauren B.”
Almost on cue, Lauren B. comes in and it’s all awkward…Don’t you just hate it when you’re talking crap on someone and they walk in on you?
Leah leaves, so Ben decides to bring up what Leah just said. Lauren’s shocked that someone would say mean things about her. She wants to know who it was.
There’s only one thing to do here guys: Have Ben tell her it was Leah, and then have a production assistant drag in a blow up pool so these girls can Jello-wrestle their problems away.
Leah pretends that she has no clue who brought up Lauren B’s name. She insists that she wouldn’t be the type of person to throw another girl under the bus, all while Lauren blubbers.
This chick is smooth. She remains cool and collected as everyone tries to figure out which girl bagged on Lauren.
Ben comes in and gives the date rose to Amanda, which shocks Leah and Lauren. Ben’s over all of these broads, so he peaces out, leaving the girls alone.
Back at the hotel, Lauren’s telling Emily what happened on the date. The girls are starting to figure out that it may have been Leah who talked crap on Lauren B. Leah, however, is determined to “get that time” so she sneaks over to Ben’s hotel to further convince Ben that Lauren’s secretly a biotch.
Come on girl. Everyone knows you aren’t winning this crap. Why not go down with dignity? You’re one step below Amber crying on a lawn chair and talking to herself at this point.
Leah goes into Ben’s room and he looks surprised. (You can also tell that he’s hoping her unexpected visit will mean he’ll get a little “Ocean Motion” a la Juan Pablo and Clare.) Leah instantly brings up how rotten Lauren B. is.
“I don’t want to sit here and talk bad things about Lauren,” she says, before launching into a tirade against the poor girl. She’s totally bagging on Lauren—calling her catty, a liar and uncaring. Ben, however, finds Leah’s tirade totally unflattering, and is sad that Leah chose to talk about Lauren all night rather than hang out with him.
He knows what he has to do: it’s time to dump Leah. Ben tells her that he doesn’t feel anything for her so she needs to hit the bricks. He doesn’t even give her a chance to respond.
Before she knows it, she’s in a pity shuttle on the way to the airport, wondering what just happened.
The next day is the two-on-one date with Olivia and Emily. Obviously, all of the girls are hoping that Olivia (and her big mouth and ugly toes) will get sent home. Emily’s pulling the big guns out for the date. (And by “big guns” I mean big boobs, which are hanging out all over her top.)
Emily’s just standing there, full of hate, when Ben picks her and Olivia up on a boat. The weather is miserable, which reflects how everyone on this date feels. The trio heads to an island, where the girls listen to Ben yammer on as they desperately try to keep the wind from blowing hair into their wine.
During her time with Ben, Olivia hides her toes into the sand as she talks about how smart, strong and amazing she is. She makes sure to tell him how in love with him she is.
Next, it’s Emily’s turn to throw herself at Ben. She won’t stop talking and her hair is blowing all over her face. (Good God, someone give this girl a hair tie!)
Ben picks up the rose and pulls Olivia aside. Emily’s totally heartbroken that Olivia’s getting the date rose. She’s sulking on the beach as she watches Ben and Olivia walk away. Ben tells Olivia that he liked her from the first night, and Olivia’s beaming. All of sudden, Ben drops a bombshell on her and tells her that he’s just not feeling it with her.
Mind you, Olivia was just telling us how deep “their love” was and how strong it is.
Olivia is understandably shocked as she realizes her ass just got dumped.
YESSSSSSS! That was one of the best ‘Bachelor’ dumpings I’ve seen in a long time!
Emily is also shocked when she realizes she’s the one getting the rose. Olivia has to watch as Emily accepts the rose and walks off with “her man.” They get on the boat and sail away and Olivia stands there alone, crying on the beach. (Is she sad because she’s going to have to ride a pig to shore?)
The other girls, meanwhile, are shocked—and relieved—as they see Olivia’s suitcases being taken into the Pity Shuttle.
That night is the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Ben, however, is just not feeling this whole “process.” He’s worried that he’s going to end up going home brokenhearted and alone.
Chris Harrison comes in to tell the ladies that Ben has cancelled the cocktail party. (Hey he’s probably tired of hearing all of these women whine. Who can blame the dude?)
“I’m just…scared!” JoJo wails.
Girl—don’t worry about Ben! You need to be scared that your hair extensions are going to fly off your damn head in that hurricane!
The girls file in, and Caila, Amanda and Emily cling to their roses with all their might. There are only three roses—which means either JoJo, Lauren H., Becca or Lauren B. will be going home tonight.
Ben gets that constipated look he always gets whenever he’s handing out roses, and he begins. The first flower goes to Becca. The next rose is given to JoJo, which means it’s down to the two Laurens. Ben gives the final rose to Lauren…B…which is no surprise, despite how much the editors tried to make it seem like she wouldn’t get a rose.
Ben shoves Lauren H into the limo and Lauren B rejoices, most likely because she will no longer have to be called “Lauren B” like a kindergartner.
Lauren ugly-cries her way to the airport, wailing that she was starting to fall in love with Ben. She resolves to stop trying to find love.
Next week—everyone cries…and everyone is in love. So…business as usual on ‘The Bachelor.’
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!