It’s time for the MOST DRAMATIC finale in Bachelor history! For months, we’ve watched crazy women proclaim their love for Ben Higgins, and now it’s down to only two women– JoJo and Lauren! Chris Harrison starts the show off by telling us that he’s calling Ben on his crap. Last week, Ben told Chris that he’s so in love with his fiance that he’d marry her right now.
Chris says that they’ve drug both of the girls’ families to the live finale, as well as Ben’s pastor from Indiana and, of course Neil Lane, all so we can have a live wedding and get this man married ASAP before he changes his mind.
Now it’s time to head to Jamaica, where Ben is walking around looking for benches to sit on so he can ponder his life with both women. He insists that he’s still in love with both JoJo and Lauren, and he doesn’t know who he wants to propose to.
Here’s a hint, Benny: If you love both of them, you shouldn’t propose to either one of them. You’re welcome.
Ben goes to see his parents to get some advice. He tells his parents that he loves both broads, which worries his mother. She says it’s “disturbing” which is, actually, one of the most honest things we’ve heard all season.
Lauren is the first to get to meet the Higgins family. Lauren sits down to chat with the ‘rents, and Ben can barely keep his grubby mitts off of her. She escapes with Pa Higgins, who tells Lauren that Ben is totally digging her.
Next, she sits down with Ma Higgins and is really laying it on thick in terms of complimenting Ben. The mom seems to be getting more and more disturbed as Lauren proclaims her ever-dying love for Ben. Ma Higgins seems well aware of how ridiculous this whole thing is.
She later tells Ben how silly he sounds going around telling everyone that he loves him.
“It makes me realize how deep some of these feelings I have are,” Ben tells us.
Well let’s hope so! You’re about the propose to one of these people!
Lauren tells us that she is sure that Ben’s the man for her, and that she would marry him right now if she could.
Well, unfortunately, Lauren can’t marry Ben, because he’s still trying to bone JoJo. The next day is JoJo’s turn to meet Ben’s parents, and JoJo is nervous. She’s sweating through her romper at the thought of meeting her future in-laws.
Ma and Pa Higgins really seem to really take to JoJo, but it soon gets awkward as Ben talks about the moments that he’s had with JoJo that he’ll “never forget.” Ben makes an awkward joke about basically seeing JoJo’s “Hoover Dam”…or something:
Next, JoJo tells Ma Higgins that hearing Ben tell her that he loves her was the happiest moment of her life.
Well, at least I’ve found someone with a life sadder than my own, so there’s that…
Later, JoJo asks Ben straight-out if he’s planning to put a ring on it at the end of this debacle. Ben assures JoJo that he will be putting that free Neil Lane rock to good use, but does not assure her that it will be going onto her finger.
After sending JoJo off, Ben goes back in to see what his parents thought of the girls. Pa Higgins tells his son that he knows both broads are gonna jump at the chance to spend
a lifetime one to four months with him. However, the parents seem to be leaning toward JoJo, but they assure Ben that either one will be a good addition to the Higgins Clan. However, Ma thinks it’s still ridiculous that Ben isn’t sure who he wants to make his wife.
Before Ben can propose to anyone, though, he will go on a final date with both women. Lauren gets the first date, which includes them sailing around Jamaica. They’re lounging on the deck, kissing and snuggling, and telling each other how in love they are. Soon, though, Ben stops chatting and Lauren looks nervous.
We all know that this is how people get dumped during the final episode. She’s right to feel nervous. Instead of talking, Ben awkwardly makes out with Lauren’s chin. As you do.
However, she pokes the bear and asks if Ben has any doubts about her. He tells her that she’s “too perfect,” which makes him feel nervous. “Perfect” Lauren looks worried that she’s about to lose her Bobby Brady Dreamboat to JoJo and her giant bazonkas.
Later that night, Ben picks Lauren up for their final date. They sit down inside the hotel room and Ben tells Lauren that he’s overwhelmed.
Oh…poor man. You’ve got two beautiful women thrusting their hoo-has at you, begging you to marry them. It must be so hard.
Lauren actually seems really relaxed, and she tells Ben that she’s totally sure that she wants to be with him forever. Ben doesn’t respond (but he does make out with her ear, for some reason).
Ben tells her that “no matter what happens,” she’s made him a better person.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of poor Lolo’s heart dropped into her stomach.
They embrace for a long time and Ben heads out. Lauren ponders what she’d do without Ben in her life, as a single tear slowly drips down her cheek.
The next day is Ben’s final date with JoJo. Ben is praying that God gives him clarity as to which broad to propose to.
Upon seeing JoJo, he immediately plays some serious tongue hockey with her. (He even kisses her on the lips this time!)
JoJo and Ben drive out to a private lagoon that has waterfalls and rope swings and crystal clear water.
Um…I’d probably be able to fall in love with Shrek if they put me in that pool with him. Seriously.
It’s not all underwater makeout sessions and heavy petting, however. JoJo wants to have a real conversation about her future with Ben. JoJo is begging Ben to tell her how he’s feeling, but he keeps kissing her to avoid the question. He eventually tells her that he knows he loves her, but that his mind is in “a thousand different places.” Unfortunately for JoJo, one of those “places” is Lauren’s bed.
“I kind of hope I don’t end up looking like a fool,” JoJo tells us.
Hey…as long as somebody ends up looking like a fool, that will be fine. It doesn’t have to necessarily be JoJo.
Later that night, Ben comes to JoJo’s room for their final date. JoJo is worried after hearing that Ben still likes Lauren, so she’s got the bazookas out big time in a last-ditch effort to sway Ben to her side. Ben explains that if he does pick JoJo, he would be faithful. (So…basically he’s promising not to pull a “Jason Mesnick” on her at the “After the Final Rose” special.)
Ben tells JoJo that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do at the end of this crapfest. He does tell her that she’s his best friend, and special “intimacy” pal as well. JoJo still insists that she needs “a sign” to know how Ben feels, so she leads him into the bathroom.
She’s not attempting to boink him on the shower floor, however. She’s trying to sneak him off-camera to have a real conversation about whether or not she’s going to get dumped on national TV. Of course, they both still have their mics on, so we get to hear the whole conversation. JoJo asks Ben if he told Lauren that he loves her, and Ben confirms that he did. Of course, this makes JoJo feel slightly less special, since she now knows that Ben’s been handing out “I love you’s” to everyone in a bikini.
JoJo starts to break down, wailing that she’s tired of competing with other chicks for Ben. They finally come out of the bathroom, and Ben splits, leaving JoJo to cry herself to sleep.
The next morning Ben wakes up knowing that at some point during the day, he is going to shatter a poor girl on national TV. Before that, though, ol’ Neil has to come down with his suitcase of jewels to let Ben pick a ring. Neil asks Ben what his future fiance is like and Ben has no clue what to say.
THIS DUDE STILL HAS NO CLUE WHO HE WANTS TO PROPOSE TO. COME ON!
Ben is getting all sweaty as Neil is just staring at him, waiting for him to pick his free ring so he can get the hell out of Jamaica before he gets mugged. Neil seems to be in disbelief that Ben still doesn’t know who he wants to propose to.
Ben says that looking at the rings has helped him realize which girl he wants to propose to. He takes the ring and heads to his room to go get ready for the proposal.
Meanwhile, the girls are getting ready to find out if they’re getting a one-way ticket to TV Weddingville, or if they’re getting a bus ticket back to the airport. Both girls are all dressed up (and by girls I mean JoJo’s boobs). Lauren looks nice too. Both girls are on their way to meet up with Ben.
Ben is standing on a bridge holding his final rose. He knows that he has to dump one of these girls, and he’s not happy about it. A helicopter lands, and JoJo pops out (both out of her dress and out of her helicopter).
She launches into the required speech (that almost always starts with “From the moment I met you…”) She professes her love for Ben, and says that love isn’t supposed to be easy.
Oh, God! Are they gonna have that guy Wes from a few seasons ago pop out with his guitar singing, “They saaaaay….love don’t come easy….?”
Actually, that would be kind of awesome.
JoJo finishes her speech, and Ben says that he loves her and all but….he loves someone else more. JoJo looks completely shocked. She literally looks like she’s about to slap him and vomit on him at the same time.
She is angry that Ben blindsided her (after telling her that she is his “best friend.”) This chick has every right to be mad. Ben totally set her up for heartbreak. He was basically having her order wedding invites for them and then out of nowhere dumped her. She should have thrown him off the bridge.
He hugs her goodbye and shovels her into the Pity Limo. Ben is in tears as he realizes that he may be making a huge mistake by sending JoJo away.
Could we have a Mesnick Moment coming up!? Please, reality gods, let this happen!
Ben doesn’t have any time to mourn his relationship with JoJo because Lauren’s on her way to fetch her Neil Lane diamond. He whips out his cell phone, though, to make a last-minute call. He’s calling Lauren’s father, who’s trying to pretend to be surprised. Ben is calling to ask permission to propose, and the father gives Ben the blessing.
Um…how awkward would that have been if the father said no? And by ‘awkward’ I mean awesome.
Lauren arrives and strolls over to where Ben is standing. Her speech is full of cliches, as per usual, as she tells Ben she wants him to be her “person.” Ben launches into virtually the same speech he said to JoJo, until he gets to the end where he tells Lauren that she’s the only one left. He drops down to one knee and pops open that Neil Lane box and Lauren bursts into tears. (Who wouldn’t!? Did you see the size of that thing?!)
Here’s the proposal, in case you’re into that sort of thing….
Lauren gleefully accepts and they proclaim that they are each other’s persons. Or something.
Ben carries Lauren into the helicopter and they jet off into the sky, toward a future full of…well, Chris Harrison. It’s time for the After the Final Rose ceremony!
Chris brings out Ben who explains how hard his “journey to find love” was. He’s excited to bring out Lauren, but says that he hated watching the finale. (Well…that makes two of us…)
Of course, they have to bring out JoJo so that we can all gawk at her and her heartbreak. Ben has his trademark uncomfortable “gotta poop” look on his face as they wheel out the woman he dumped.
Jo comes out looking smoking hot. She walks out to him in a total “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” strut. Ben insists that his feelings for JoJo were real, and that he will care for her forever.
“No hard feelings, I hope,” he tells her.
Seriously, JoJo needs to punch this dude in the face.
Ben says that he respects JoJo for the calming influence she has on him.
Chris is determined to get Ben in trouble with Lauren. Chris asks Ben if he still loves JoJo in a way, and Ben shoots a look. Ben proclaims that while he still cares for JoJo, his life has moved on.
Nice try, Chris.
JoJo goes out completely classy. She wishes Ben the best, and seems to have moved past her heartbreak. Of course, there’s a good reason why she has been able to move on…it’s because she’s going to be the next ‘Bachelorette!’
Somewhere Caila is crying (and fixing her perfect hair), wondering where it all went wrong.
Next, it’s time to bring out Lauren (who, even months later still hasn’t really fixed that hair). She is thrilled to be out in public with Ben. And, of course…she’s wearing white.
Lauren tells us that Ben told her about all the girls he boinked on his “journey” to become engaged to her. She also confirms that she will be moving to Denver to live with Ben within the next few weeks.
Chris brings up the topic of their wedding, and Lauren tells us that she doesn’t want a long engagement. Chris’ eyes light up at the thought of marrying them off right there in the studio, but Lauren kills it by saying she wants to date a bit more before committing her life to Ben.
After Jimmy Kimmel comes out with some creepy naked dolls and embarrasses the crap out of both Ben and Lauren, Chris brings up the topic of having an wedding right then and there. Lauren looks like she’ll squeeze the life out of Ben if he agrees to this nonsense. (Come on, Ben. You owe the girl the chance to get married in something other than a Forever 21 club dress.)
Ben declines the offer, in favor of a big (paid for by ABC) wedding. Instead, Ben brings out Lauren’s parents so that he can propose to Lauren again. Groan.
The families agree that Ben and Lauren are a perfect couple. Chris again tries to push the instant wedding, but Ben will only agree to having a wedding “very soon.” That’s basically code for…”as soon as ABC writes that big fat check.”
And…so it ends. The next time we’ll see Ben and Lauren is when they’re getting hitched on live TV…or on the cover of Us Weekly, explaining why they broke up.
Until next season!