‘Bachelor’ Ben Finale Recap: Popping the Question in Paradise

When you've got to propose to a girl...but you've also got to use the bathroom...
When you’ve got to propose to a girl…but you’ve also got to use the bathroom…

It’s time for the MOST DRAMATIC finale in Bachelor history! For months, we’ve watched crazy women proclaim their love for Ben Higgins, and now it’s down to only two women– JoJo and Lauren! Chris Harrison starts the show off by telling us that he’s calling Ben on his crap. Last week, Ben told Chris that he’s so in love with his fiance that he’d marry her right now.

Chris says that they’ve drug both of the girls’ families to the live finale, as well as Ben’s pastor from Indiana and, of course Neil Lane, all so we can have a live wedding and get this man married ASAP before he changes his mind.

Now it’s time to head to Jamaica, where Ben is walking around looking for benches to sit on so he can ponder his life with both women. He insists that he’s still in love with both JoJo and Lauren, and he doesn’t know who he wants to propose to.

Here’s a hint, Benny: If you love both of them, you shouldn’t propose to either one of them. You’re welcome.

"I'm not the only one who thinks this is all completely insane, right?"
“I’m not the only one who thinks this is all completely insane, right?”

Ben goes to see his parents to get some advice. He tells his parents that he loves both broads, which worries his mother. She says it’s “disturbing” which is, actually, one of the most honest things we’ve heard all season.

Lauren is the first to get to meet the Higgins family. Lauren sits down to chat with the ‘rents, and Ben can barely keep his grubby mitts off of her. She escapes with Pa Higgins, who tells Lauren that Ben is totally digging her.

Next, she sits down with Ma Higgins and is really laying it on thick in terms of complimenting Ben. The mom seems to be getting more and more disturbed as Lauren proclaims her ever-dying love for Ben. Ma Higgins seems well aware of how ridiculous this whole thing is.

She later tells Ben how silly he sounds going around telling everyone that he loves him.

“It makes me realize how deep some of these feelings I have are,” Ben tells us.

Well let’s hope so! You’re about the propose to one of these people!

"Hell, I'd marry Juan Pablo if it meant getting my mitts on one of those Neil Lane rocks!"
“Hell, I’d marry Juan Pablo if it meant getting my mitts on one of those Neil Lane rocks!”

Lauren tells us that she is sure that Ben’s the man for her, and that she would marry him right now if she could.

Well, unfortunately, Lauren can’t marry Ben, because he’s still trying to bone JoJo. The next day is JoJo’s turn to meet Ben’s parents, and JoJo is nervous. She’s sweating through her romper at the thought of meeting her future in-laws.

Ma and Pa Higgins really seem to really take to JoJo, but it soon gets awkward as Ben talks about the moments that he’s had with JoJo that he’ll “never forget.” Ben makes an awkward joke about basically seeing JoJo’s “Hoover Dam”…or something:

Next, JoJo tells Ma Higgins that hearing Ben tell her that he loves her was the happiest moment of her life.

Well, at least I’ve found someone with a life sadder than my own, so there’s that…

"They don't make 'em like you in Indiana, that's for sure!"
“They don’t make ’em like you in Indiana, that’s for sure!”

Later, JoJo asks Ben straight-out if he’s planning to put a ring on it at the end of this debacle. Ben assures JoJo that he will be putting that free Neil Lane rock to good use, but does not assure her that it will be going onto her finger.

After sending JoJo off, Ben goes back in to see what his parents thought of the girls. Pa Higgins tells his son that he knows both broads are gonna jump at the chance to spend a lifetime one to four months with him. However, the parents seem to be leaning toward JoJo, but they assure Ben that either one will be a good addition to the Higgins Clan. However, Ma thinks it’s still ridiculous that Ben isn’t sure who he wants to make his wife.

Before Ben can propose to anyone, though, he will go on a final date with both women. Lauren gets the first date, which includes them sailing around Jamaica. They’re lounging on the deck, kissing and snuggling, and telling each other how in love they are. Soon, though, Ben stops chatting and Lauren looks nervous.

When you realize the man you're about to marry doesn't know how to kiss...
When you realize the man you’re about to marry doesn’t know how to kiss…

We all know that this is how people get dumped during the final episode. She’s right to feel nervous. Instead of talking, Ben awkwardly makes out with Lauren’s chin. As you do.

However, she pokes the bear and asks if Ben has any doubts about her. He tells her that she’s “too perfect,” which makes him feel nervous. “Perfect” Lauren looks worried that she’s about to lose her Bobby Brady Dreamboat to JoJo and her giant bazonkas.

Later that night, Ben picks Lauren up for their final date. They sit down inside the hotel room and Ben tells Lauren that he’s overwhelmed.

Oh…poor man. You’ve got two beautiful women thrusting their hoo-has at you, begging you to marry them. It must be so hard.

Lauren actually seems really relaxed, and she tells Ben that she’s totally sure that she wants to be with him forever. Ben doesn’t respond (but he does make out with her ear, for some reason).

Ben tells her that “no matter what happens,” she’s made him a better person.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of poor Lolo’s heart dropped into her stomach.

They embrace for a long time and Ben heads out. Lauren ponders what she’d do without Ben in her life, as a single tear slowly drips down her cheek.

The next day is Ben’s final date with JoJo. Ben is praying that God gives him clarity as to which broad to propose to.

Look out, LoLo! JoJo ain't playin'!
Look out, LoLo! JoJo ain’t playin’!

Upon seeing JoJo, he immediately plays some serious tongue hockey with her. (He even kisses her on the lips this time!)

JoJo and Ben drive out to a private lagoon that has waterfalls and rope swings and crystal clear water.

Um…I’d probably be able to fall in love with Shrek if they put me in that pool with him. Seriously.

It’s not all underwater makeout sessions and heavy petting, however. JoJo wants to have a real conversation about her future with Ben. JoJo is begging Ben to tell her how he’s feeling, but he keeps kissing her to avoid the question. He eventually tells her that he knows he loves her, but that his mind is in “a thousand different places.” Unfortunately for JoJo, one of those “places” is Lauren’s bed.

Like...what's even happening here?
Like…what’s even happening here?

“I kind of hope I don’t end up looking like a fool,” JoJo tells us.

Hey…as long as somebody ends up looking like a fool, that will be fine. It doesn’t have to necessarily be JoJo.

Later that night, Ben comes to JoJo’s room for their final date. JoJo is worried after hearing that Ben still likes Lauren, so she’s got the bazookas out big time in a last-ditch effort to sway Ben to her side. Ben explains that if he does pick JoJo, he would be faithful. (So…basically he’s promising not to pull a “Jason Mesnick” on her at the “After the Final Rose” special.)

Ben tells JoJo that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do at the end of this crapfest. He does tell her that she’s his best friend, and special “intimacy” pal as well. JoJo still insists that she needs “a sign” to know how Ben feels, so she leads him into the bathroom.

Cue weird '90s p0rno music...
Cue weird ’90s p0rno music…

She’s not attempting to boink him on the shower floor, however. She’s trying to sneak him off-camera to have a real conversation about whether or not she’s going to get dumped on national TV. Of course, they both still have their mics on, so we get to hear the whole conversation. JoJo asks Ben if he told Lauren that he loves her, and Ben confirms that he did. Of course, this makes JoJo feel slightly less special, since she now knows that Ben’s been handing out “I love you’s” to everyone in a bikini.

JoJo starts to break down, wailing that she’s tired of competing with other chicks for Ben. They finally come out of the bathroom, and Ben splits, leaving JoJo to cry herself to sleep.

The next morning Ben wakes up knowing that at some point during the day, he is going to shatter a poor girl on national TV. Before that, though, ol’ Neil has to come down with his suitcase of jewels to let Ben pick a ring. Neil asks Ben what his future fiance is like and Ben has no clue what to say.

As per usual, Ben's looking confused...and constipated. For the love of God, someone get this boy a laxative!
As per usual, Ben’s looking confused…and constipated. For the love of God, someone get this boy a laxative!


Ben is getting all sweaty as Neil is just staring at him, waiting for him to pick his free ring so he can get the hell out of Jamaica before he gets mugged. Neil seems to be in disbelief that Ben still doesn’t know who he wants to propose to.

That face you make when some dude asks you to decide who he's going to marry...
That face you make when some dude asks you to decide who he’s going to marry…

Ben says that looking at the rings has helped him realize which girl he wants to propose to. He takes the ring and heads to his room to go get ready for the proposal.

Meanwhile, the girls are getting ready to find out if they’re getting a one-way ticket to TV Weddingville, or if they’re getting a bus ticket back to the airport. Both girls are all dressed up (and by girls I mean JoJo’s boobs). Lauren looks nice too. Both girls are on their way to meet up with Ben.

Ben is standing on a bridge holding his final rose. He knows that he has to dump one of these girls, and he’s not happy about it. A helicopter lands, and JoJo pops out (both out of her dress and out of her helicopter).

"Just in case you forgot what you saw in the Fantasy Suite, here's a reminder..."
“Just in case you forgot what you saw in the Fantasy Suite, here’s a reminder…”

She launches into the required speech (that almost always starts with “From the moment I met you…”) She professes her love for Ben, and says that love isn’t supposed to be easy.

Oh, God! Are they gonna have that guy Wes from a few seasons ago pop out with his guitar singing, “They saaaaay….love don’t come easy….?”

Actually, that would be kind of awesome.

JoJo finishes her speech, and Ben says that he loves her and all but….he loves someone else more. JoJo looks completely shocked. She literally looks like she’s about to slap him and vomit on him at the same time.

She is angry that Ben blindsided her (after telling her that she is his “best friend.”) This chick has every right to be mad. Ben totally set her up for heartbreak. He was basically having her order wedding invites for them and then out of nowhere dumped her. She should have thrown him off the bridge.

"Oh, booooy. My brothers are gonna kill you when they see this."
“Oh, booooy. My brothers are gonna kill you when they see this.”

He hugs her goodbye and shovels her into the Pity Limo. Ben is in tears as he realizes that he may be making a huge mistake by sending JoJo away.

Could we have a Mesnick Moment coming up!? Please, reality gods, let this happen!

Ben doesn’t have any time to mourn his relationship with JoJo because Lauren’s on her way to fetch her Neil Lane diamond. He whips out his cell phone, though, to make a last-minute call. He’s calling Lauren’s father, who’s trying to pretend to be surprised. Ben is calling to ask permission to propose, and the father gives Ben the blessing.

Um…how awkward would that have been if the father said no? And by ‘awkward’ I mean awesome.

Lauren arrives and strolls over to where Ben is standing. Her speech is full of cliches, as per usual, as she tells Ben she wants him to be her “person.” Ben launches into virtually the same speech he said to JoJo, until he gets to the end where he tells Lauren that she’s the only one left. He drops down to one knee and pops open that Neil Lane box and Lauren bursts into tears. (Who wouldn’t!? Did you see the size of that thing?!)

Here’s the proposal, in case you’re into that sort of thing….

Lauren gleefully accepts and they proclaim that they are each other’s persons. Or something.

Ben carries Lauren into the helicopter and they jet off into the sky, toward a future full of…well, Chris Harrison. It’s time for the After the Final Rose ceremony!

"At least I was a better Bachelor than Chris and Juan Pablo, am I right?!"
“At least I was a better Bachelor than Chris and Juan Pablo, am I right?!”

Chris brings out Ben who explains how hard his “journey to find love” was. He’s excited to bring out Lauren, but says that he hated watching the finale. (Well…that makes two of us…)

Of course, they have to bring out JoJo so that we can all gawk at her and her heartbreak. Ben has his trademark uncomfortable “gotta poop” look on his face as they wheel out the woman he dumped.

Jo comes out looking smoking hot. She walks out to him in a total “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” strut. Ben insists that his feelings for JoJo were real, and that he will care for her forever.

“No hard feelings, I hope,” he tells her.

Seriously, JoJo needs to punch this dude in the face.

"Keeping asking those questions and you may need to call security on me, Chris."
“Keeping asking those questions and you may need to call security on me, Chris.”

Ben says that he respects JoJo for the calming influence she has on him.

Chris is determined to get Ben in trouble with Lauren. Chris asks Ben if he still loves JoJo in a way, and Ben shoots a look. Ben proclaims that while he still cares for JoJo, his life has moved on.

Nice try, Chris.

JoJo goes out completely classy. She wishes Ben the best, and seems to have moved past her heartbreak. Of course, there’s a good reason why she has been able to move on…it’s because she’s going to be the next ‘Bachelorette!’

Somewhere Caila is crying (and fixing her perfect hair), wondering where it all went wrong.

Next, it’s time to bring out Lauren (who, even months later still hasn’t really fixed that hair). She is thrilled to be out in public with Ben. And, of course…she’s wearing white.

Lauren tells us that Ben told her about all the girls he boinked on his “journey” to become engaged to her. She also confirms that she will be moving to Denver to live with Ben within the next few weeks.

"Do us a favor and at least try to stick it out until Easter."
“Do us a favor and at least try to stick it out until Easter.”

Chris brings up the topic of their wedding, and Lauren tells us that she doesn’t want a long engagement. Chris’ eyes light up at the thought of marrying them off right there in the studio, but Lauren kills it by saying she wants to date a bit more before committing her life to Ben.

After Jimmy Kimmel comes out with some creepy naked dolls and embarrasses the crap out of both Ben and Lauren, Chris brings up the topic of having an wedding right then and there. Lauren looks like she’ll squeeze the life out of Ben if he agrees to this nonsense. (Come on, Ben. You owe the girl the chance to get married in something other than a Forever 21 club dress.)

Lauren's got that "I'll strangle you in your sleep if you say yes" look on her face...
Lauren’s got that “I’ll strangle you in your sleep if you say yes” look on her face…

Ben declines the offer, in favor of a big (paid for by ABC) wedding. Instead, Ben brings out Lauren’s parents so that he can propose to Lauren again. Groan.

The families agree that Ben and Lauren are a perfect couple. Chris again tries to push the instant wedding, but Ben will only agree to having a wedding “very soon.” That’s basically code for…”as soon as ABC writes that big fat check.”

And…so it ends. The next time we’ll see Ben and Lauren is when they’re getting hitched on live TV…or on the cover of Us Weekly, explaining why they broke up.

Until next season!

(Photos: ABC)


  1. Another fine recap “The Ashley”, although I think your softer touch on this episode must mean that you envision a forever for the happy couple! Can’t wait for the bazooka show in a few months and the Lace drinking party later this fall.

  2. One more thing… Did anyone else notice how Lauren seemed to be a little flirty and bat her eyes a lot while talking to Ben’s father? I think Ben’s dad liked Lauren more the same way Ben likes Lauren more… visually. Ben’s mom picked up on JoJo’s genuine personality and that’s why she liked JoJo more. Ben you made a mistake choosing Lauren but JoJo is the one who is better off for it! Happy JoJo is the next Bachelorette and not Caila!

  3. I think Ben chose the wrong woman if he truly wants a genuine long lasting relationship. Honestly I was getting so pissed every time Ben kept acting like and saying that Lauren was basically a goddess. What does he see in her that he thinks she is THAT amazing? I see a girl who just says what he wants to hear and uses his words to make it seem like they are a perfect match. I give Lauren and Ben about two months more, tops, before she starts to show her true colors and he realizes what a mistake he made.

  4. Well damn………..that is harsh. The Ashley has a lot of shows and gossip to recap. I say we give her a pass on the Bobby/Peter Brady mishap.

    JoJo got the better deal. Another tv appearance, free trips, promos and her pick of a litter of men. Ol Benny will be dealing with Lauren and her text book responses to everything.

    1. That said, I wish I could bear witness to the inevitable moment that Peter..er..Ben realizes Lauren is NOT perfect..lol. Her biggest flaw of being “too perfect?” GONE. Just like that 😀

  5. Nice recap but yeah what up with keeping calling him Bobby instead of Peter? You’ve made that mistake a bunch of times, I don’t get it.

  6. Annnnnnd one last reference of the wrong Brady boy to round out the season, as you do. Even Ben himself filmed a parody of one of PETER Brady’s famous lines in an interview, because he’s gotten SO much flak about looking like him….Not Bobby, PETER! Have you really managed to escape the countless side by side comparisons of Ben and Peter? The only conclusion we can draw is that the Ashley has never seen one single episode of the Brady Bunch, nor seen any of its cast members to still be getting it wrong. Way to do your journalistic research.

    1. Bang on. The only annoying thing this season of these recaps has been the constant reference to Bobby instead of Peter! Is the recapper trying to be different than everyone else who has been saying Ben’s a ringer for Peter Brady? It’s just weird if you ask me.

    2. @Lisa I’m not sure if this comment is a joke or not, but I’m crossing my fingers it’s real! The fact that anyone could get so fired up over a Brady offspring just tickles me! -The Ashley

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.