Everyone’s favorite polygamist family—the Browns—are back to once again try to convince the rest of us that sharing one douchy husband among four miserable-looking women is a great way of life.
The new season of Sister Wives basically begins where we left off last season. As you may recall, last season Maddie found the love of her life, Meri and Kody got divorced so Kody could marry fourth wife Robyn, Meri got catfished, and Robyn got impregnated.
We start this episode discussing Maddie and her boyfriend, Caleb (who is, by the way, the brother of Kody’s brother’s wife, naturally). Last season, Caleb asked Kody permission to marry Maddie, and we get to watch Kody say this creepy line again.
“When you guys get married, I turn her over to you,” Kody tells Caleb.
Geez, Kody. We’re talking about your daughter here, not a sack of potatoes.
Sobbin’ Robyn chimes in to announce that everything is changing. This prompts a recap of Meri getting catfished. As you may recall, last season Meri had basically decided that she had enough of her obnoxious husband Kody and was looking to run off with a man she met online. Unfortunately for Mer, the dreamboat man she thought she was talking to turned out to be a creepy woman.
Since her affair was exposed in the media, Meri had to come clean to her family, and (worse) go back to Kody and grovel for forgiveness. (To be honest, I’d take my chances with the creepy woman, rather than crawl back to Hair Boy, but that’s just me…)
Later, Maddie returns home from Montana, where she had been visiting Caleb. She’s planning to move there before she marries Caleb, but will be living separately from him because…well, this isn’t Teen Mom!
All of the family comes over to have dinner at Janelle’s house, and it’s totally obvious that they are setting the scene up for a big announcement…
Hmm…what could it be? Since Kody’s favorite wife Robyn is already knocked up, it can’t be a pregnancy announcement. There’s only one thing it can be…
Maddie comes in and music starts to play. She announces that she is engaged to Caleb in a rather anti-climatic manner. She basically just lifts her hand up and shows off her ring. We all know that the Browns—particularly Kody—are amused by shiny objects, so everyone gathers around Maddie.
Kody announces that he has a great idea for the wedding venue.
“We could rent a campground!” he says.
Ahh, yes! It’s every woman’s dream to get hitched while carrying a bouquet of various bug repellent wands, while Kody chases everyone around with a wire hanger, demanding someone make him smores because he’s the father of the bride.
It’s no surprise that Kody’s campground wedding idea gets shut down.
After we sit through a weird five-minute scene where Kody talks about how none of his family members want him in their houses, we go back to Janelle’s house, where Maddie is packing her stuff to move to Montana. Her fiancé, Caleb, comes to help her, and Kody begins acting really weird (even for Kody). He seems to have a slight obsession with Caleb, which the other wives attribute to Kody not having other males around him.
UM!? Doesn’t Kody have about 45 sons?! They are actually probably long-tired of Kody’s obnoxious behavior, so they probably try to avoid spending time with him. Poor Caleb really has no choice but to sit there and suffer through bonding time with Kody.
“So what are we doing? Do we load up tonight? Or play tonight? You realize I’m playing with you guys tonight?” Kody asks Caleb.
“Dad is in a place where he really likes Caleb and we can’t tell if Caleb likes him back,” Garrison says.
He doesn’t, Garrison, he doesn’t…
Maddie plans to take Caleb out to dinner so he can meet her best friend, Desi. Kody, of course, has no regard for anyone else’s feelings, as per usual, so he decides to crash the dinner and invite himself along.
Kody keeps things awkward at the dinner by continuing to make uncomfortable comments about unloading Maddie.
“In a few months, I’m going to pass the baton off completely,” Kody says before asking Maddie and Caleb to move to Vegas.
“How much are you going to pay me?” Caleb asks.
Well Caleb, just stick around and I’m sure TLC will work up a contract for you. The producers are probably salivating, thinking about episodes showing Maddie’s life as a newlywed and her first pregnancy. (Of course, Robyn will probably be having her seventh kid by then, so they can both be pregnant together! Think of the ratings!)
The next day, Maddie is ready to get the hell away from these people. She’s literally just throwing crap into the moving trailer in an attempt to get out as fast as humanly possible. Who can blame her?!
After moving Maddie and Caleb to Montana, the wives and Kody get together to talk to their therapist about Meri’s catfishing scandal.
Kody says he was confused when Meri told them in Alaska that she may be leaving the family. She kind of retells history to make herself look like an innocent victim who was brainwashed by the big, bad Internet man/woman. She even claims that she was planning to tell her family about the catfishing incident in Alaska, but didn’t want to “ruin the trip.”
This is, of course, complete BS, as Meri was still very much involved with her dreamboat lover during that trip, and seemed to be telling her family that she was leaving them for him.
Next, Sobbin’ Robyn chimes in to ensure that the conversation becomes all about her.
“It was a constant struggle to know whether or not I believed that Meri was actually having an affair,” Robyn says. “Or she just wasn’t and something else was going on.”
Meri claims that after she tried to break off the relationship “they” stalked her. She apparently told Robyn that she thought her house was bugged and “these people” were following her every move.
Wait..what? What is going on? This is beginning to sound like an episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ or something…
During all of this, Kody looks like he doesn’t care at all. Meanwhile, Janelle looks like she’s plotting her escape from these crazies. Eventually, Kody says that he tried to warn Meri about the “dangers” of online friendships.
“When he (the catfish) started saying love, it was flattering,” Meri says.
Kody doesn’t really let that affect him. It’s obvious that he doesn’t care if Meri was cheating on him or not. He actually looks like he was probably happy to unload her, even temporarily!
Janelle blames the fact that they no longer live in one house for the separation between them. Kody blames it all on social media. Why is no one blaming Meri for making poor decisions!? Everyone is acting like Meri was unable to understand what she was doing during all of this. Meri, as usual, doesn’t own up to her mistakes and is instead blaming everyone else for her bad decisions.
Coming up this season, Robyn will have her baby. Maddie will get married. Garrison joins the National Guard. Robyn and Meri get into an argument. Mariah gets mad at Meri. And Kody, of course, continues to be obnoxious.
To read our previous ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here!