It’s time for a special TWO-HOUR episode of Sister Wives! Think of how many Robyn tears and Kody hair flips TLC will be able to cram into two hours of this ridiculous show!
The episode starts out with Meri recapping what has happened since she was catfished…again. (They’re going to stretch this out for the whole season, obviously.)
Meri thought she was getting close to a sexy dreamboat of a man that she met online…but it turned out to be a woman! We all think Meri was totally planning to leave Kody and the family for this man, but Meri won’t admit it. Instead, she continues to make herself sound like she was brainwashed into being disgusted by Kody by “these people.” (Honestly, Mer, it took “these people” to tell you that your husband was an obnoxious prick?!)
Meri insists that she was “flattered” by the attention that her online dreamboat was giving her, especially since she was rotting away alone in her huge home, with only a wet bar to keep her company during the lonely nights that Kody was off impregnating Robyn. She claims that when she started suspecting she was being catfished, the person she was talking to started making threats and stalking her.
Kody is doing his best to make it appear like he still cares what happens to Meri, and is trying to come off as supportive for the cameras.
“I want her to know we will work things out,” he says.
“We are working on processing it and trying to figure out how to come back together as a strong family unit,” Meri says, adding that’s she still very lonely at times.
In other news, Brown family daughters Aspyn and Mykelti are no longer living together. The girls have decided that it’s not working out because Mykelti has too many magazines…or something.
In an interesting twist, though, Aspyn is moving into Robyn’s house instead of back home with her mother, Christine.
“Mom and Aspyn are both mother figures and I don’t think they get along,” Mykelti explains when asked why Aspyn isn’t going to be living with her real mom.
Sobbin’ Robyn is probably stoked to be getting a free babysitter! When she shoots the next Spawn ‘o’ Kody from her loins, Aspyn will be there to help take care of it so Robyn can focus on creating more Brown babies with the Kod-ster.
Let’s stop right here and look at the facts: Aspyn wants to live at home but not with Christine. Meri lives in a huge home and is lonely all the time. Why doesn’t Aspyn just move into Meri’s home? She can saddle up to the wet bar at night and she and Meri can watch chick flicks and girl talk about what a douche Kody is. Why the hell is she moving into Robyn’s cramped quarters? Maybe Meri really is as big of a wet blanket as she comes off as on TV?
Aspyn moving in with Robyn may cause some issues between the sister wives as well. Robyn asks Christine if she’s going to have a problem with it and Christine responds, “For sure I’m going to have an issue with that.”
It’s Christine. Of course she’s going to have an issue with anything that involves Robyn getting something that she doesn’t. Duh.
We also find out that Mykelti has dropped out of college and is going to go live with a family friend in Utah and work at a pawn shop. As you do.
“I’m not ready to grow up” she says. “I’m not ready to finish college. College is hard.”
She is Kody’s daughter for sure!
Janelle, who is one of the only hard workers in the Brown family, is not happy to hear this. She knows that getting a college education is important, and seems upset that Mykelti is wasting a great opportunity to go to school.
Meanwhile, Janelle and Kody’s son Garrison has some news. He sits his parents down and tells them that he wants to join the military. He is talking about joining the National Guard and, of course, Kody has to start spouting doucheball facts about the American defense system.
“We are at war constantly,” Kody tells Garrison.
Kody and Janelle want Garrison to wait to join the military until he gets a college degree. They seem to think that Garrison having a Bachelor’s will enable him to basically become Commander-in-Chief of the United States or something.
However, 17-year-old Garrison is determined to join, despite the fact that he’d need his parents’ permission to join. Kody keeps reminding him of this fact during the conversation.
Garrison reveals that he went to the military recruiter earlier that day, and Kody is upset that Garrison didn’t bring him along.
UM…who can blame the kid? How embarrassed would Garrison have been with Kody in tow, flopping his hair from side to side and spouting off random facts about the U.S. military. Kody probably would have asked the recruiter if he could have one of those nifty camouflaged water bottles as a parting gift.
Anyway, Kody and Janelle are understandably concerned that their son will get deployed if he joins the National Guard, but Garrison understands that this will likely happen and seems OK with it. In fact, he seems happy to deploy, which makes sense because he will finally be free of Kody if that happens.
“There’s a chance that he’s going to see deployment in the next four years,” Kody says. “That is the reality we have to understand.”
“America has very many enemies,” Garrison says.
Yeah, he needs that free schooling more than we thought!
Later, Mykelti is packing up to head to Utah to work at the Ye Olde Pawn Shop. Who needs a free college education when you can instead help people hawk their old TV sets?!
“I am still worried about Mykelti moving to St. George, Utah, and this is why…I still think she’s a kid,” Kody says.
Well…so is Kody, to be honest.
We spend a few minutes watching Mykelti wait on people at the pawn shop. Of course, Kody and Christine (who are probably the two most annoying parents on the planet) have to come in on Mykelti’s first day to razz her. As always, Kody thinks his hi-jinks are hysterical, but everyone else is just rolling their eyes and wishing someone would throw a net over Kody and take him away to a padded cell.
Christine and Kody go into the shop and Kody tries to pawn the ugly watch Robyn gave him as an anniversary present. When the pawn shop owner basically tells Kody that he doesn’t want his crappy watch, Kody decides he wants to buy an $800 TV…for $600! He annoyingly haggles until his friend who—mind you, just gave Kody’s daughter a job and a cheap place to live—finally agrees to sell him the TV for $600 and take the loss. He probably just wanted to get this idiot out of his damn shop!
The next day, Meri has to go to the gynecologist to get the results of some tests she took. Meri has a history of cancer in her family, so she is nervous (but not nervous enough to take her “husband” Kody along for moral support).
We get good news and bad news during this scene. The good news is that Meri’s tests have come back clear and have revealed no serious issues. The bad news is that we have to see Meri with her feet up in the stirrups during the examination. That’s a haunting image that will linger in our minds for years to come.
That night, Garrison has Janelle gather the family together so he can announce that he passed the physical and has officially joined the military. Robyn is not thrilled.
“I don’t like the idea of our boys being soldiers,” she says, adding that she wishes she could hide Garrison’s enlistment papers like she hid her brother’s enlistment papers years ago. (At least we think that happened years ago. It is Robyn, so this may have happened last year for all we know.)
Because we still have space to fill in this two-hour crapisode, Janelle and Meri decide to go to therapy to work on their sister wife relationship. Janelle and Meri have known each other for 25 year and have basically wanted to claw each other’s eyes out for most of that time.
At therapy, the counselor makes Janelle and Meri switch places and speak from the other person’s point of view. Janelle gives it a good effort but Meri is kind of a biotch…as per usual. After therapy, Janelle and Meri decide to “take what they’ve learned and put it into practice”… by going grocery shopping. Apparently, they’ve never shopped together, out of fear that one of them would attempt to beat the other over the head with a frozen leg of lamb. Safety first!
While shopping, Janelle keeps trying to reach out to Meri…and Meri continues to be a biotch.
The next night at the Brown compound, the family throws a huge, elaborate baby shower for Robyn.
Um…at what point do the baby showers stop? After 20 kids don’t you have enough supplies?
Kody says they’re throwing the shower for Robyn because she’s had a hard time “feeling special” during her pregnancy.
Wait…what? Robyn is literally the only person in this family who is made to feel special on a daily basis. The whole family seems to revolve around Robyn and her feelings. WTF?
The only good news is that the shower makes Kody scurry away for the night, so the women are able to enjoy some Kody-free fun. There is a ton of food and shower games. The women talk about how nice it is that everyone knows they are polygamists because normally a shower like this wouldn’t be possible for a plural family.
Next time on ‘Sister Wives,’ Janelle and Meri try to work together and decorate for Thanksgiving, while Kody continues to be the biggest turkey reality TV has ever seen…
To read our episode of the previous episode of ‘Sister Wives,’ click here!