Get your catcher’s mitts ready, it’s time for another Brown Baby to come hurling into the world! It’s finally time for the birth of the kid who the family has obnoxiously been calling “Baby Sister.” ( The baby is called this because that is Solomon’s name for her, and as we know, everything in the Browns’ word revolves around King Solomon.)
Before any children can emerge from the slip ‘n’ slide that is Robyn’s loins, though, we must first take a look back at old home movies featuring some of the first Brown babies to be born.
We learn that Janelle was the first “lucky” lady to be sperminated a la Kody, and that Christine immediately followed with her pregnancy with Aspyn. Meri became pregnant with her one and only child, Mariah soon after. Janelle and Christine would volley back and forth, producing Kody spawn, for about the next decade.
(Does anyone else find it incredible that Janelle has six kids with this dude? She seems to barely be able to stand him– how the hell did she let him boink her at least six times? Maybe he was more tolerable before the family got a TV show?)
Anyway, we then find out a weird fact. Janelle couldn’t produce enough milk to breastfeed Maddie so she passed her on over to Meri to breastfeed her sometimes. Apparently this is one of the perks of being in a plural family: when one wife’s well runs dry, there’s always another wife eager to help.
“We were married to Kody only about a year apart so our children did come about at the same. So we did kind of overlap a lot of the time,” Janelle said. “When we said the babies came fast at the beginning we weren’t kidding.”
Ol’ Kody was getting busy in the early ‘90s! [Shudder]
While they all talk about how many times they’ve birthed a child for Kody, Meri’s just sitting there all weird, almost waiting for someone to ask her if she’s feeling sad because she was only able to have one of Kody’s spawn. Robyn, of course, does ask Meri if she’s feeling left out because her baby maker shut down after one kid. However, Robyn does it in a way where she makes it seem like she’s rubbing it in. She keeps peppering Meri with questions until it gets really odd.
Meri, of course, breaks down in tears because she only got to have one mini Kodette. And now that “Kodette” basically hates her.
The next day Janelle, Maddie, Mariah and Janelle’s mom go to a fitting for Maddie’s wedding gown. Janelle tells us that Maddie has picked “bohemian” for her wedding theme.
“Does that mean it’s going to be a beer party?” Grandma asks. (Get it, Granny!)
Janelle says she’s not sure, but she knows there will be camo because, as she puts it, “in Montana it’s kind of a thing to have camo weddings.”
Later, Christine and Robyn decide to decorate Aspyn’s room at Robyn’s house because Aspyn has been elected the president of Greek life at her college. Aspyn has specifically forbid her mother from planning a big party to celebrate this accomplishment. (Who can blame her? Must we remind you of the horrorfest that was her flash-mob-filled graduation party?!) Christine feels that decorating Aspyn’s room is a happy-medium.
Christine and Robyn keep talking about what a huge accomplishment this is for Aspyn, and tehy’re going all out decorating her room and celebrating like she just won the Olympics. They then just happen to mention that Aspyn won because…well, no one ran against her.
The next day the older girls get to practice their subservient roles. Apparently it’s a “family tradition” that the older girls make everyone breakfast the morning after Christmas, but since they are all in college they are passing the egg beaters to the younger girls in the family. (Because, heaven forbid a Brown family boy have to pick up a spatula in the house!)
While everyone is slopping down their breakfast, Kody is trying to make a big announcement, but no one is listening to him and he’s getting his ponytail in a wad. Kody has no idea why his kids and wives don’t listen to him. Um….well, have you met you, Kody? You’re kind of a joke, bro.
Kody is really building this surprise up, acting like he’s about to announce the secret of life or something. He waits until his family has their mouths full of pancakes and then announces that for Spring Break, he (and by “he” we mean “TLC”) is taking the whole family to Hawaii! Kody tells the gang that Hawaii is “the funnest place.”
Janelle admits that they had to choose a place that is really cool, or none of the older kids would have been willing to put up with Kody for a whole week. Who can blame them? Sitting in an RV with an egotistical, pony-tail flopping Kody, a sobbing Meri, Robyn and a crying newborn and the rest of the Brown clan just doesn’t seem like a good way to spend Spring Break.
The Hawaii plans are trumped, however, because in the next scene, Robyn goes into labor with “Baby Sister.” (Ugh…make it stop. Please, make it stop.)
Apparently, Robyn has had her church-approved-undergarments all in a knot for this whole pregnancy, thinking that something is going to go wrong during the birth of “Baby Sister.” Robyn’s in her bedroom, with her parents sitting across from her in chairs, staring at her like they’re about to watch a movie. It’s not an easy labor, and Robyn is huffing, puffing and moving all over the room trying to get relief.
All of the wives have raved about “how wonderful” a birth coach Kody is, but we fail to see much of this during Robyn’s labor. He keeps calling her “Mrs. Brown” in a creepy way throughout it all. (Maybe it’s his way of reminding Robyn that she is now the legal wife? Who knows?)
Meanwhile, all of Robyn’s other kids are anxiously awaiting the birth of their sister.
“What do you think we should name the baby sister?” Briana asks King Solomon.
“Baby Sister,” he answers.
Soon, Kody starts exhibiting his typical egotistical personality.
“When my wife is having a baby I want her to be in charge, but if she wants me to be in charge, that’s great,” he tells us, adding that he’s not afraid to be “the enforcer” when it comes to demanding his wife squat out his kid on cue.
While Robyn is moaning and groaning, the other wives tell us their “Kody during labor” stories. Meri recalls that when Mariah was born, Kody thought the umbilical cord was a penis and he announced to the room that the baby was a boy.
Raise your hand if you’re surprised by this? Nobody? That’s what we thought…
Back in the bedroom, Robyn’s a heaving ball of pain, and Kody has begun to tell the midwife how to do her job. He’s also telling Robyn how to do her job.
“I want her to do what she wants, but I’m also going to insist that she do certain things,” he says. “I’ve got experience doing this.”
Really Kody? You have experience shooting a baby out of your hoo-ha?
Kody literally imitates to us how you’re “supposed” to push during labor. Something tells us that it’s probably pretty similar to the noises he makes during the three minutes he’s making one of his babies.
Kody then tells us that, “luckily” Robyn’s mother taught her to be ladylike during labor and not scream, no matter how bad the pain is.
Is he serious right now? He can’t be. This has to be a joke right?
“I’m getting my catcher’s mitt out because the baby’s coming,” he says.
Robyn is in the last phase of labor and Kody is barking commands at her. The baby is having some problems getting through the birth canal, but finally “Baby Sister” makes it out! We hear her cry. Everyone is ecstatic.
“Now there’s another Brown child in the family we have to deal with,” Gwendolyn says, clearly underwhelmed.
For years, Gwendolyn was rarely seen or heard from on episodes, but now that she’s a bit older, we are learning that she’s always good for a snarky remark! We love ya, Gwen!
In the bedroom, the midwife has discovered that the baby broke her clavicle on the way out. Robyn and Kody just sit there with stupid looks on their faces because they don’t know what a clavicle is. (Ah, that homeschool education…) Once she figures it out, Robyn is concerned but the midwife explains that is fairly normal and not really anything to worry about.
All the other kids are woken from their perspective beds, and are forced to traipse over to Robyn’s to see Baby Sister. She still doesn’t have a name, but Kody seems to (jokingly?) be pushing for her to be called Esmeralda.
We fast-forward a week and the older kids are coming into town to meet Baby Sister. Janelle and Kody’s son Logan is in college and has been dating his girlfriend for nine months. Janelle and Kody are totally dumbfounded that Logan isn’t ready to propose and get married. Really? They’re in college! They’ve been together less than a year! Hit the brakes, guys!
Kody says it makes him “squeamish” that Logan is considering living with his girlfriend unmarried. Really, Kody? Living and sleeping with four different women is A-OK, but living with one? No way!
At the end of the episode, Kody is once again trying to wrangle his family and get them to take him seriously. No one is listening, and Kody is getting mad because he wants to announce the name that “HE” picked out for the baby. He makes sure everyone knows that this name was “HIS” brilliant idea. No one really even cares, but Kody is doing his best to stretch the announcement of the name out.
Finally, her name is announced. It’s…Ariella May, and they’re going to call her Ari. Kody picked it. While it’s a nice name, we can’t help but hear “Areola” every time someone says it.
Next week, they will once again drudge up the Meri Catfish situation. The Browns will also journey to Hawaii for their Spring Break vacation.
To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘Sister Wives,’ click here!