‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 7 Finale Recap: Hot Dog Eating & the Hellish Fishing Trip

I'd rather spend five years shipwrecked on Gilligan's Island than 1 hour aboard the S.S. Trashbag.
I’d rather spend five years shipwrecked on Gilligan’s Island than 1 hour aboard the S.S. Trashbag.

Well kids, we made it! We’ve wadded through lakes of Jenelle‘s crocodile tears, as well as countless FaceTime calls with an unhappy Kail and a shirtless Javi. Get out yer Duncan Hines deluxe icing, y’all, because this here is the Teen Mom 2 Season 7 finale!

Our seventh season finale starts off in Jenelle’s neck of the woods. We find out that she and her swolmate soulmate, Lurch, are taking their assortment of kids on a fishing trip. Somehow, Lurch has gotten his swollen mitts on some sort of motorboat (which Jenelle surely told all her friends was actually a yacht), and they are planning to take Jace, Kaiser (the baby, not the Permanente) and David’s forever sad daughter Maryssa out on the water.

(Hey, you never know…maybe the fumes of the motor will get Jenelle the HIGH! HIGH! she’s been desperately seeking from every doctor up and down the East Coast!)

"Lurch.Not.Happy.Children.Too.Noisy."
“Lurch.Not.Happy.Children.Too.Noisy.”

They get all the chillins all loaded up in the car, but Kaiser isn’t exactly thrilled about the fishing extravaganza. He begins to cry, and ol’ Lurch apparently has a short temper this afternoon. He whips around and yells at Kaiser for screaming, and then somehow blames Jace for the noise. He instructs Jace to “stop screaming like a little girl” as Jenelle just keeps spouting her trademark, “Oh God, dude…” over and over again.

Meanwhile, Jenelle just sits there, allowing Lurch to scream at her kids. She’s hiding behind some serious shades (which were almost certainly given to her so she could hawk ’em on the Instagram in lieu of getting a real job).

"Just open the door and I'll make a roll for it! Come on, guys!"
“So close…but so far…”

Kaiser is not letting up, however. He starts crying and reaching for the car camera, almost as if to say to the producers, “I know you can see me. Why aren’t you getting me away from these degenerates?!” David mocks Kaiser’s cries.

Never one to let allow everyone to forget that she’s dying, Jenelle brings up how she’s just exhausted from her search for drugs to cure her restless and sweaty legs. She feels some fresh air, as well as the sweet sounds of some barbarian yelling at her kids, is just what she needs to rid her of her ailments.

"Dude, it's totally normal for a guy to yell at his girlfriend's kids. Oh my god, dude!"
“Dude, it’s totally normal for a guy to yell at his girlfriend’s kids. Oh my god, dude!”

By this time, Kaiser is throwing an absolute fit because no one has paid attention to his cries (except to mock him, of course). Jenelle naturally chooses to go to her soulmate, rather than figure out what the hell’s wrong with her kid.

David realizes that–uh, oh!– they’re short a life vest and a fire extinguisher. (Isn’t it cute that they are acting like they take safety precautions seriously? We all know that if the cameras weren’t there, David would probably be making a lifevest-less Jace pull the damn boat to save gas!)

Luckily, Lurch calls his pal, J.D., and asks him to fetch the assorted safety items from “the house.” (By “the house,” of course, we mean Walmart because we know that they don’t actually have that crap.)

"I almost got away...I almost got away..."
“I almost got away…I almost got away…”

Kaiser is still screaming, probably realizing that his only chance to get away from Jenelle and her assortment of soulmates is to make a swim for it. She’s doing her best to comfort him (by jerking him up and screaming in his face), so that he doesn’t ruin her Instagram-worthy perfect boat trip. Jenelle is angry that she has “no help” with her son. Kaiser, who is just happy to be released from his highchair holding cell for once, is making a run for the lake until Jenelle scolds him.

Kaiser would be better raised by wolves than this barbarian.
Kaiser would be better raised by wolves than this barbarian.

J.D. arrives with the safety equipment, and Lurch explains that baby Kaiser is a pain in his butt because he won’t stop screaming, and that, like his daddy Nathan, Kaiser is a “little screaming bitch.”

Aww…now if that isn’t a Kodak moment, I don’t know what is!

After hearing her boyfriend say such a cruel thing to her one-year-old, Jenelle springs into action, removing her children from Lurch’s Little Boat of Horrors and heading home to throw all his stuff out on the front lawn, all while whistling the tune of “All the Single Ladies.”

"KAISER! Get back here! Dude, now I've gotta fish him out with the next. Dude."
“KAISER! Get back here! Dude, now I’ve gotta fish him out with the net. Dude.”

Hahahaha, just kidding. That would never happen. Of course, Jenelle just sat there and let this barbarian bumpkin say really awful things about her kids.

With that, the whole gang boards the S.S. TrashBag for a day of fishing “fun.”

After that fine showing of parenting, even Leah is going to look like the ding-dong Mother of the Year!

Speaking of Leah, we check in with her next to see what she’s been up to.

"Dangit, I really had a hankerin' for some ravioli yogurt!"
“Dangit, I really had a hankerin’ for some ravioli yogurt!”

The kids appear to all be with their assorted dads, so Leah and her pal Kayla head out for a day of fun, with the first stop being the yogurt shop. Leah is disappointed to see that the shop doesn’t have any ravioli- or snack-meat-flavored yogurt, so she settles for chocolate.

After getting their treats, Leah “sets” down for a spell and immediately launches into custody talk. Leah reveals that she and Corey have kind of agreed on a custody situation that works well for both of them. The girls will spend more time at their dad’s, but will still be able to munch Lunchables with Leah during the week.

“We made these kids together, we can raise ’em together!” Leah proclaims.

I just got a mental picture of Corey huffin’ and puffin’ over a teenage Leah in the back of his pickup truck. Ew.

"Well, on the bright side, as least I don't have to hear that backpack story again..."
“Well, on the bright side, this should be the last time I have to hear that backpack story again…”

Kayla says that the last time she and Leah talked (on camera, that is!) Leah still had her bloomers in a bunch over the infamous “BackpackGate” video. (You can tell that it just pained Kayla to have to bring up this subject again but hey…free yogurt, y’all!)

Leah says that BackpackGate was actually turning into a ding-dang blessing because it opened the conversation lines between her, Corey and even that bitch Miranda!

"If a whole year of bein' treatin' isn't reason 'nough to grill some wieners, I don't know what is!"
“If a whole year of bein’ treatin’ isn’t reason ‘nough to grill some wieners, I don’t know what is!”

Leah tells Kayla that she’s planning a cookout her house to celebrate the coming of spring, which, in the Land ‘o’ Leah is probably a beautiful time of year. The tractor pull done comes to town, the youngins no longer need to be buried in coats, and all the teen moms are ’bout ready to birth out some new blessings!

Leah says that she is also celebrating being almost a year out of “treatment,” and the best way to do that is to gather up all the kinfolk and fry up some of Walmart’s finest wieners! It’s a special party, so Leah will be springing for the fancy dogs– the ones that are nearly 60 percent beef! (Well, provided that she gets an MTV check beforehand, of course.)

"Can't you just show footage from the hundred previous times we had this exact conversation?"
“Can’t you just show footage from the hundred previous times we had this exact conversation?”

In South Dakota, Chelsea is chatting with Brittany about child support.

Honestly, if “Things Chelsea Houska Talks About on Teen Mom 2” were ever a category on ‘Family Feud,’ there would only be one answer: Adam and child support/custody. Well, also hair. So there would be two.

Apparently, Adam’s lawyer advised him that court trips make for boring ‘Teen Mom 2’ scenes, because he is apparently not planning to go to court to continue to fight the child support amount that the mediator came up with for him to pay for Aubree.

When your ex finally has to pay an appropriate amount of child support for his kid...
When your ex finally has to pay an appropriate amount of child support for his kid…

Adam is not happy that he’s going to have to pay so much for his kid. (He may not be able to do every lifting competition held in someone’s basement!) But he doesn’t really have a choice. He is, of course, not going down without being a total douche. She says that Adam’s been barking on social media that Chelsea is trying to gold-dig.

Yes, Adam, she is surely after your lofty “estate” (aka a pile of protein bars, a bag of cut-up muscle tanks and his souvenirs he got at Aubree’s father/daughter dance….oh, wait…)

Luckily (for us), Chelsea says that this should resolve the custody/court crap for awhile (aka at least until next season!)

Kail's iPhone is really the star of all of her segments...
Kail’s iPhone is really the star of all of her segments…

Finally, we see what Kail is up to. Naturally, we do this by watching her FaceTime someone. This time, it’s Javi (you may not have recognized him because he was wearing a shirt). Kail tells Javi all about her experience in New York City, and says that it’s her turn to focus on her career. Javi is like, “Um…that’s great but….you’re married and have a bunch of kids and dogs and stuff.”

Javi says that he and Kail have a lot of things to “address.” (Yup…like those “Divorce Party” invites!) He tells Kail that he hasn’t felt like a priority since he left to save the world and she’s basically like, yeah…well…

"Wouldn't you like to just go on an extended tour of Asia or something after your deployment? For like five years or so?"
“Wouldn’t you like to just go on an extended tour of Asia or something after your deployment? For like five years or so?”

Kail reminds her husband that, even before he left and she had a miscarriage that he acted like a total dick about, they were fighting. Javi says that if he’s just going to come back home and he’s going to get the shaft from Kail while she’s off chasing her dreams in New York, they might as well sign the divorce papers now so he can join Jeremy and Corey in the ‘Teen Mom 2’ ex-hubby clubby.

"#HavingAGreat Day #ExceptForMyScreamingBitchOfASon"
“#HavingAGreat Day #ExceptForMyScreamingBitchOfASon”

Meanwhile, Jenelle, Lurch and the kids are motoring their way around the Lake of Broken Dreams. The kids look miserable, while Jenelle is busy Twittering about how great of a day everyone is having. Kaiser is screaming again, and Jenelle tells him to hush-up so he doesn’t scare the fish.

Um…pretty sure Lurch’s big ol’ mug will do that just fine!

Never was there a girl happier to receive a hot dog...
Never was there a girl happier to receive a hot dog…

An hour later, they’ve docked on an embankment that may or may not have been the place they filmed “Deliverance.” Jenelle and Lurch are grilling up some hot dogs, and all of a sudden Lurch’s pal JD and his hillbilly honey, Amanda, have arrived. (Do they just live in the brush and emerge only when there’s snack meats and/or MTV cameras or…?)

All this kid eats is hot dogs, no?
All this kid eats is hot dogs, no?

Jenelle is dolling out dogs to all of her pals when she gets a phone call from “the devil,” aka her mother, Barbara. Barb tells Jenelle to bring Jace home around 6 p.m. and Jenelle agrees. (Pay attention to this…it will become important later on, I assure you.)

Lurch decides that he’s going to text Barb because he doesn’t want to have to drive all the way to Barb’s house, especially when he has to meet his baby mama on the side of the road. He asks Babs to meet them halfway.

Trashbag Tori is fired. Amanda needs to be in every Jenelle segment, ever, from now on.
Trashbag Tori is fired. Amanda needs to be in every Jenelle segment, ever, from now on.

While they’re waiting for Babs’ response, Jenelle’s pal Amanda goes for the Emmy! She delivers the producer-required question with such ease and naturalness.

“Has you and…your mom’s relationships got…any betters?” she asks.

Amanda, you were so amazing. Thank you for being you. Sometimes God just gives us unexpected gifts in the form of trashy girls mumbling lines while stuffing free hot dogs into her gullet. #blessed

That moment that Jace realized that he was stuck with these lunatics until at least 6 p.m.
That moment that Jace realized that he was stuck with these lunatics until at least 6 p.m.

Jenelle announces that she’s not getting along well with Barb, and that she’s taking her to court to fight for custody of Jace.

Barb responds to David’s text and says that she’s not driving to pick up Jace, since Jenelle agreed to bring him home. At the mention of Barb’s name, Kaiser starts screaming again, almost as if he knows that he’s so close to getting in touch with her and having her haul his ass out of this (low) life.

"My therapist done told me I couldn't whip Jeremy's new girlfriend's hide with my curling iron, dag-nabit."
“My therapist done told me I couldn’t whip Jeremy’s new girlfriend’s hide with my curling iron, dag-nabit.”

In West Virginia, Leah couldn’t get her pal Kayla to come out with her so she could talk crap on her ex-husbands. Luckily, however, Leah is able to talk smack via her cracked-up iPhone, so she calls up Kayla and reveals that her ex-husband (the second one) done got himself a new girlfriend! That’s right, kids– Jeremy Lynn is “Facebook official” with another girl!

Leah is taking the news well. (If this were a few years ago, she would have called up Mama Dawn, Chasity and whatever other members of her ragtag crew who had “minutes” on their phones and gone right over there and confronted Jeremy and his new flame, demanding that he do what’s “best for the childrens!”and get back with Leah. I miss the good ol’ days, y’all!)

"I was just fixin' to try to get back with that man!"
“I was just fixin’ to try to get back with that man!”

Since “treatment” Leah has been working on living a more positive life, so she won’t be trying to attack Jeremy’s new girlfriend, Brooke. Leah seems to know who Brooke is (probably because Jeremy has literally been dating her since last summer!) She says that Brooke is a single mom of a little girl.

“Jeremy’s so funny,” Leah tells Kayla, who must not have her asymmetrical hair combed because she’s not willing to do FaceTime. “One minute he’s with a bunch of girls, then he wants to get back with me, and then he’s in a relationship”

Um…Leah? That’s basically your life pattern, girl. New guy, back with ex-husband, repeat.

Leah says that while she “cares about” Jeremy, but she’s not trying to hump him in the back of a truck or anything. In fact, she’s happy for Jeremy, and vows to respect his new relationship.

“I don’t want to disrespect her the way I disrespected Miranda,” she says.

"I didn't raise you this way, Leah Dawn! All of that dingdang therapy's gone to yer head!"
“I didn’t raise you this way, Leah Dawn! All of that dingdang therapy’s gone to yer head!”

Wait…what?! Leah just made an intelligent, mature decision. Let’s hope Mama Dawn doesn’t charge on over there and tell her daughter that she’s done making a mistake if she don’t try to get her man back from that hussy!

That night, Leah has her entire litter (as well as Mama Dawn) all piled up in her car. It’s time to drop off Addy with Jeremy at the rest stop, but Leah sees that this youngin exchange is a bit different from most because…Jeremy has his “new” girlfriend in the car with him!

That face you make when you realize that Leah's done brought her Mama with her to meet you...
That face you make when you realize that Leah’s done brought her Mama with her to meet you…

Oddly, Leah does not throw a mason jar at Jeremy’s new girlfriend’s head. (I know, it’s weird because we’re watching ‘Teen Mom 2’ and that seems to be the thing to do when your ex gets a new lady friend.) Brooke gets out of the car and introduces herself to Leah, who is gracious and shakes her hand. It’s like being in the ding-dang Twilight Zone, y’all! Jeremy looks uncomfortable, and the girls quickly say their goodbyes.

"I still say we shoulda dragged that hussy up yonder and beat the snot out of her!"
“I still say we shoulda dragged that hussy up yonder and beat the snot out of her!”

Mama Dawn pounces on Leah as soon as she gets back in the car, wanting to know how the “meeting” went. Leah says it was fine (because…they, like, said five words to each other), and that she hopes that she can eventually get to know Brooke better. Mama Dawn just looks at Leah like, “That ain’t the youngin I done raised.” She does, however, put her pitchfork away.

In South Dakota, Chelsea has lunch with Cole and they talk about how as soon as they get hitched, Chelsea’s going to put her baby chute to good use! They decide to have three more kids.

"Please tell me this isn't your Nuva Ring!"
“Please tell me this isn’t your Nuva Ring!”

Later, Chelsea goes to fetch a package out of the mailbox. It’s Cole’s wedding band, and he’s thrilled to see that it’s not a piece of crap like he was apparently expecting. They do a practice ring ceremony and discuss whether or not to have Pete the Pig be their ringbearer. As you do.

In Delaware, Jo and Vee are playing with Kail and the kids at one of those blow-up jungle gym places that all of these people seem to go to. Isaac is Velcro’d to the wall, but is taken down so he can eat pizza in the party room. I guess when you have an MTV camera crew following you, everyday is a party!

When you want to do the Robot but you have to hold your kid...
When you want to do The Robot but you have to hold your kid…

Although Isaac is enjoying all of the wall-stickin’, pizza-eatin’ fun, he says that he misses Javi. Kail pretends she doesn’t hear all of Isaac’s “Javi” talk, even though he keeps mentioning that it’s going to be great when they’re “all together again.”

Um…

The next day, Kail is reeling after yet another big FaceTime fight with Javi. Her pal Shakirah comes over to stare directly at the camera help Kail sort things out. Kail tells her friend that after Javi left, she realized that she doesn’t want any more kids because she wants to focus on her career. Also, there’s that whole thing of her and Javi basically hating each other. They’d have to hump to make another kid and, from the looks of it, the only humping that will ever be happening in that house again is with Kail’s dogs.

Kail says that she and Javi haven’t had a good relationship for two years, so now is not a good time for her to be birthin’ more Javi babies. Sounds reasonable to me…

"Just pretend there's no cameras here, girl. You can do this!"
“Just pretend there’s no cameras here. You can do this!”

Shakirah asks if Kail and Javi have talked about divorce, and Kail says that it’s a pretty frequent conversation topic for them. Kail says she doesn’t want to get a divorce, especially because Isaac is so close to Javi. She does admit that she wants her kids to see her happy, and that she probably won’t ever be happy being with Javi.

The next day, Kail is back on the FaceTime with Javi. He basically seems to be positive that they need to divorce. Kail says that it’s partly because she doesn’t want to have any more children, and Javi doesn’t deny that. Javi says that he’ll always resent Kail if she closes up the baby slip ‘n’ slide before he’s ready. They decide that it may be better to get a divorce while Javi is deployed, so he doesn’t have to come home at all. Kail agrees to get the ball rolling for the divorce.

"Come on all y'all kids and get yer hot dogs, 'cause you know yer Mama likes them wieners!"
“Come on all y’all kids and get yer hot dogs, ’cause you know yer Mama likes them wieners!”

In West Virginia, it’s time for the cookout, and Leah is busy a-grillin’! She uses her meat hooks to scoop up a bunch of hot dogs and just hands them out to her assorted kids. (Do none of these people eat hot dog buns? Did MTV only agree to pay for the dogs, not the buns or something? Jenelle and Leah both had dogs sans buns this episode.)

Ali is thrilled at the bounty of processed meats available to her, but Leah is not so happy. She gets a text from Jeremy, who tells her that he had to leave Addy with his mom so that he could go pick up Brooke’s daughter for her. Or something. So…many…kids. So…few…rest stops…

"Say no more, Sis! I'll get a hammer and a shovel and we'll take care of this!"
“Say no more, Sis! I’ll get a hammer and a shovel and we’ll take care of this!”

She tells Victoria all about it, and Victoria is just salivating over this new piece of drama. (We all know Victoria loves drama more than even Leah loves wieners! I mean hot dogs, of course….)

Leah is mad that Addy got dumped with her grandma when she could have been slopping down hot dogs with her sisters at the cookout. Leah is mad that Jeremy gave up time with his daughter to spend time with someone else’s kid.

"Wait...Addy ate ALL the frosting!? So there ain't no more left for me?!"
“Wait…Addy ate ALL the frosting!? So there ain’t no more left for me?!”

Ali walks in the kitchen, just in time to hear Leah yell, “I’m not going to allow Jeremy to hurt Addy!” which is, you know, not at all confusing and frightening to a little kid.

Leah says that this makes her feel disrespected. Wait…what? Someone get Leah a container of frosting! She’s all stressed and veiny!

Those two scared little faces in the backseat are not funny at all...it's just scary...
Those two scared little faces in the backseat are not funny at all…it’s just scary…

In North Carolina, Jenelle’s various ailments are starting to come back. She’s got chest pain, shoulder pain and general aggravation, but this time the cause is not hoof-and-mouth disease. It’s her bitch of a motha, Barb, who is refusing to go along with Jenelle and Lurch’s new plan, which involves her driving halfway to pick up Jace.

“It shows you just how much of a mother SHE is!” Lurch grunts.

These people have the mental capability of 10-year-olds. Seriously.

Lurch barks out a voice text to Barb, telling her that she’s just going to have to hop in her “caaaahr” and meet them so they can get their way. Lurch is getting mad, and is starting to get that serial killer look in his eyes again. Barb is refusing to meet them, and Lurch can’t believe that people aren’t doing what he wants.

This is probably the only fairy tale Jenelle has ever told Jace, sadly.
This is probably the only fairy tale Jenelle has ever told Jace, sadly.

Lurch stops at a rest stop to dump off his daughter, and Jenelle fills the time by telling Jace the story of how he ended up with Barb. She states that “a long, long time ago” in a far, far away land, a judge told Jenelle that she had to give her baby to her mother because she didn’t have a house to live in.

UM!?!?!?! Yeah….because you chose to live on the street with your boooooyfriend, get high, get arrested and forget that you had a baby at all. Jenelle, of course, forgets to mention all of this to Jace.

Jenelle starts singing the “when I get Jace back” song, and tells her son that she is taking Babs back to court so that he can live at the Castle Castle with her, Kaiser and whatever soulmate she’s making babies with at the time.

Jenelle asks Jace if he’s sad that he can’t live at her house and he says yes. The reason isn’t because he wants to be with Jenelle, though– he wants full access to Jenelle’s “Call of Duty” game. Naturally.

"Why don't people see that it ain't far to me what he's done!?"
“Why don’t people see that it ain’t fair to me what he’s done!?”

Meanwhile, Leah’s had her sister fetch her youngest youngin, Addy, and the whole clan heads out to the porch to enjoy their processed meat products in the fresh spring air. Leah corners her brother-in-law to tell him all about the custody order, but he looks like he’d rather rub hot grill coals in his eye rather than “set” there and listen to Leah talk.

Leah says she’s celebrating that she and Corey now have 50/50 custody of the girls.

"Oh crap, she's gonna tell the backpack story again, ain't she?"
“Oh crap, she’s gonna tell the backpack story again, ain’t she?”

“That’s how it should have been from the get-go,” the brother-in-law says.

Um…wasn’t it Leah who was preventing Corey from having 50/50? Just sayin’…

Leah says that her kids were inspirational to her, so she whips out a nifty S’mores making machine and plugs it in. In order to get the chocolatey treats, however, the kids have to listen to some of the crap that Leah learned in treatment.

Finally we check in with Jenelle one last time. We get to see the conversation from Barb’s side of the call, though, because a camera crew has rushed on down there to film this crap. (Couldn’t they have swung by the rest stop and fetched Jace on their way over?)

"Now look here, ya bitch of a daughta, this crap stop heeeere!"
“Now look here, ya bitch of a daughta, this crap stops heeeere!”

Barb is mad that Jenelle has still not returned Jace, and Jenelle is still insisting that Barb get in her car and drive up to get him. Barb says that she always picks up Jace, and Jenelle starts demanding her mother tell her why she can’t have Jace back. (She wants to know RIGHT NOW!)

Babs doesn’t miss a beat. She says that one good reason is that Jenelle can’t stop switching soulmates on the regular, and that her latest one is a controlling oaf. Barb says that Lurch has nothing to do with the custody of Jace. Jenelle responds by asking for another reason she can’t have Jace. (Apparently, she didn’t like the reason Barb just gave her before.)

"Ya drive me to drink, Juh-nelle!"
“Ya drive me to drink, Juh-nelle!”

Babs is so over this crap. She just take a GIANT slug of wine from a GIANT wine glass (that was most likely puffy-painted to say “Dealing with Juh-nelle Juice”) and tells Jenelle that her Chaos Castle is not exactly a stable environment.

Jenelle argues that, despite the fact that she’s only lived at her house for six months, and that she goes on a kid-less vacation every other week, she’s got a damn stable environment for Jace! SO THERE!

"God why are YOU so AGGRESSIVE!?"
“God why are YOU so AGGRESSIVE!?”

Jenelle argues that her vacations have been for MEDICAL REASONS (even Spring Break!) and that she’s not on drugs anymore OR ANYTHING! SO THERE!

Jenelle tells Barb that she told Jace that they have to “go to something called court” for her to get him back.

Oh, come on, Jenelle. There’s no way this kid has been on ‘Teen Mom 2’ for six years and has no idea what the hell court is. That’s impossible!

Jenelle, while screaming into the phone, accuses her mom of being “verbally violent.” She is refusing to budge from the gas station that she and Lurch are parked at, telling Barb that if she wants Jace, she has to come and get him. Babs agrees but says she won’t let Jace come over again any time soon.

With that, Babs and Jenelle hang up on each other, while Lurch grunts in the background.

That’s it for this season, guys! Next week we get to watch these people scream at each other in front of Dr. Drew!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

 

 

87 Comments

  1. This bitch needs her tubes tied and no contact at all with her sons.

    She’s a disgrace MTV needs to drop her


  2. All of these girls are train wrecks!!!! Janelle doc shopping for benzos, Kail super obsessed husband who is a ticking time bomb, Leah enough said, and last but not least Chelsea “I dont want Adam to ever see his child, I want Cole to be her dad but I want more child support!!”. That I think is the worse she bitches all the time about how she wants more child support but then on the other had she never wants him around Aubree.


    1. Chelsea tries constantly to get Adam to spend time with Aubree! Adam is the scumsucking assbag that only bothers with that poor girl when it’s convenient for him, first off! Second, Chelsea NEVER tries to push Cole has her new daddy ever she ALWAYS gives Aubree the option to include Cole. Third, SHE HAS SAID IT HERSELF CHILD SUPPORT IS FOR AUBREE NOT CHELSEA! The fact that you think that Chelsea trying to do everything right by her daughter is worse than Jenelle doc hopping to get high makes me me so disgusted. At least Chelsea has custody of her kid and takes care of her.


  3. So before I really get into this, FYI after that scene of delujuhnelle screaming at her mother there is an unseen clip where she says in front of the kids about Babs “She could die right now and I wouldn’t give a fuck”. I heard that the clip was replayed on her reunion segment but demanded it be removed. So anywho! This episode made me really think even more that Jennelle should be tossed in a jail cell for neglect and kidnapping, and maybe smacked with a dead fish (it would be an offense to the fish though). All that manipulation in her whole piece was just unbelievable, girl is not even salvageable at this point just remove all kids from their custody including the unborn one and Marissa (I worry about her, I’m afraid he has actually hit that kid the way she cowers). Leah, I thought ok maybe she was maturing and then bam nope! More on that for the next recap, I did agree to an extent about Jeremy leaving Addie but the second she made it about herself was when it was a Jesus God Leah how about it being about your kid for longer than a damn second! Kailyn essentially stringing Isaac thinking that Javi would be coming home and everything would go back to normal is just disgusting. I don’t doubt she loves her kids at all but ffs if you have both been unhappy for that long and planned to divorce you should have come out with it pre-deployment and told him things would be different when Javi came back. Chelsea, nothing really to say beyond the fact that it’s realistically funny that they went from saying 7 kids to maybe 3 to we will probably have 1 more and think holy Sh!t.


  4. “Dude, i need help, i have no help with Kaiser”
    If you need help with 1 kid why do you think getting Jace back will make things easier.
    What is Jenelle going to use Jace as a live in babysitter?
    Jace…Dude you need to stay home with Kaiser cuz i need to go out & find another soul mate.

    Jace, dude will u give Kaiser a hotdog & shut him up.


  5. I hate Jenelle and Leah
    Both fkd in the head and should have a no contact order.

    Their kids would be better off without them


  6. Had to laugh

    My husband saw this site on our lidt of frequently visted websites, got upset at our 15 yr old for reading trash at 3AM. LOL I had to fess up it was me.


      1. ya I tried that…he didn’t buy it…


  7. The Ashley forgot the best part…when Jenelle was on the phone Lurch says “He is nothing but a chunk of change to her” meaning Barbara wont give Jace back because of money…Money?
    What money?
    I read that Jenelle never gave a dime for child support
    Obviously Lurch is an idiot


      1. Yeah i figured she takes him as a deduction & the money she gets will cover him for maybe 2 months.
        Who paid for him to join boy scouts? The money he needs to play activities, who paid for his soap box derby material? Clothes, shoes, money for school lunch, food, child care, if he wants to go to a movie?
        You can seriously think that the government does.
        You think a tax deduction covers all of that?
        So not only are kids free but you make money from the government for having kids?
        Just curious how much you think someone makes for having/supporting a kid?


  8. Honestly, the best thing to come out of this series are these recaps.

    “aka a pile of protein bars, a bag of cut-up muscle tanks and his souviners he got at Aubree’s father/daughter dance….oh, wait…” ONE SEC I JUST GOTTA GRAB SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN.

    “this time, it’s Javi (you may not have recognized him because he was wearing a shirt).” ….wow.

    “#HavingAGreat Day #ExceptForMyScreamingBitchOfASon” I JUST LOST IT.

    TheAshley is queen!


  9. I really think Kaiser was trying to make a run for it and get out of the crazy castle. Lurch is so damn creepy and very inappropriate with the kids. I don’t know why Jenelle is clinging to getting Jace back, she can barely pay attention to the child she does have and its soooo mature that she lies to her 6 year old and uses his answers as “evidence”. He’s a child! He should be no where near conversations like that, let alone the constant screaming Jenelle does. I also think Lurch has it wrong, Kaiser screams just like his mother.
    Does anyone else hear gibberish when Leah talks?
    I feel so bad for Isaac. Why did they have to lie to him about Javi coming home? Knowing what’s really going on makes it so hard to watch him say that.


  10. This show has been a guilty pleasure of mine since the beginning, mostly because I was a teen mom and am only a couple of years older than these girls (plus the fact that these girls’ train wreck lives were hilarious). However, I don’t think I will be watching next season. It is no longer funny nor entertaining. Watching the blatant child abuse inflicted by Jenelle and Lurch made me cry. It was so upsetting that I couldn’t even finish the episode. After turning it off, I had to go hug my daughter and tell her how much I love her.


    1. Yes!! Between jenelle and leah, I can’t. My kids are literally my world, and I can’t understand how any mom can neglect and/or abuse their children


      1. I don’t understand either. The thought of any child being treated like Jace and Kaiser have been treated is gut wrenching. I don’t understand how a “mother” could allow another person to say such horrible things. If anyone ever spoke like that to or about my daughter, I’m not sure I would be able to stop myself from slapping them. I certainly would never see or speak to them again.

        On top of that, the way Jenelle manipulates Jace is awful. He is going to have some serious emotional and behavioral disturbances in the future if Jenelle doesn’t stop. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ever happening and I think it is only a matter of time before she starts doing the same thing to Kaiser.

        Out of all the Teen Mom kids, I worry about Jace and Kaiser and their futures the most. Statistics show that sons born to teenage moms are more likely to end up in prison than sons born adult moms. I’m afraid that Jace and Kaiser will become perfect examples of that happening and why it happens. I truly hope that they will somehow manage to be the exception, not the rule, despite the chaotic childhoods they have had so far and will continue to have.


  11. Janelle makes me sick. I just want to rush in a grab The Roll, hug him and kiss him and run away with him. Poor sweet chubby baby just needs some love and a diaper change and some real friggen food!!!!

    It physically hurts me to watch her blatant abuse of that baby,

    Lurch should be in jail


    1. Amen. I know we only see snippets of these kids’ lives, but I’ve never seen the K Roll eat anything but hot dogs and it really concerns me.

      I’m not a parent, but I’m not an idiot either. I wouldn’t feed myself the way she feeds her baby. My 21 month old niece is basically my best pal and I spend a whole lot of time with her. The difference between her diet and the crap Jenelle shoves into K Roll’s mouth (probably just to quiet his desperate cries for attention/help) is dramastic.

      Uncle Bad Touch is terrifying. The control he has over Jenelle and her children is absolutely disturbing. I fear for those kids… I really fear for Jenelle. She pisses me off to no end, but I don’t want to see her suffering abuse. I shiver at the thought of what UBT could do to her. Based on his behavior so far, it seems likely that she’s going to end up hurt- or worse. Barbara’s instincts are right on. She sees those red flags. I’m afraid it will be too late by the time Jenelle sees them.


  12. Babs needs to cut Jenelle off until she can show her some respect. I get that she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, because Jenelle is her daughter, but the environment that Jace is in is not healthy for him, or her. All of the fighting and yelling has got to be traumatic…the verbal abuse that Jace is witnessing and encountering when those 2 are together is deplorable. If Jenelle wants to see Jace, Babs needs to have the visits at her house, and no more over night visits…especially if David is going to be there. He is a TERRIBLE person, that looks like a ticking time bomb…he reminds me of the abusive father from that movie “Radio Flyer”.


    1. Exactly. Babs needs to tell jenelle that’s unacceptable behavior and until she can prove it won’t happen again, she needs to stay away. Poor jace. He looked so scared.


    2. I may be unpopular opinion but as much as Babs is loved by many, she’s not a good parent either. The Evans family is dysfunctional. Those children are going to have to make a very conscious effort to be a good person when they are older, and that’s so much easier said than done. They are a product of their environment…and their environment is terrifyingly toxic.


    3. If I was babs I’d move to another state with jace and not notify that bitch of a daughter

      Jenelle has no rights over jace
      I’d never ever let anyone talk to me the way Jenelle talks to babs.

      She’d be eating through a fucking straw


  13. Jenelle is absolutely delusional! Why she allows her new bloke/scrounger to speak in such a derogatory way about her babies is beyond me! I just watched the after show and Nathan said how when they were broken up he caught Jenelle in bed with Kiefer, that explains everything..I’m sorry but if she’s not back on drugs I’ll eat my hat..Yes Babs can be gobby but respect to her for taking on and raising Jace when his own mother was too infatuated with men and drugs..As for Nathan, why are you allowing another man to call your baby “his kid” and “a whiny little bitch” and at the reunion show why on earth did you ask David/Lurch for permission to see YOUR child? Hello? That’s your kid and eff all to do with David/Lurch! Leah,Leah,Leah..It seems she’s finally coming around and taking responsibility and being a mum..Unfortunately for her, she is surrounded by drama-loving, pot-stirring enablers who are clouding her judgement..Why has Corey constantly been witch hunted and degraded for wanting his daughters raised in a drug free, structured and loving environment? I don’t blame him and Miranda for steering clear of the cameras this season and not attending the reunion show because honestly, Dr Drew constantly ignored and defended Leah’s bad behaviour and tried to blame Corey, never allowing Corey to put across his points..It seems to me the unfit mothers constantly manipulate these poor babies to say what they want to hear for the camerasfor the cameras when in actual fact the poor nippers are clearly happier at Babs’ and Corey’s..Oh and that scene with cousin Chastity and the recording of “backpackgate” was so obviously staged.


  14. I stopped watching the show last season because I’d much rather read your recaps and I felt like I couldn’t support this garbage with ratings anymore. The Jace/Kaiser story line is so heartbreaking. The only positive that I can come up with from Jace’s perspective is that Jenelle only pretends to be a mother to him during filming. She ignores him the rest of the year. Poor Kaiser, though. That kid gets no breaks in the madness.


  15. Per usual Leah looks high AF, would it realld kill her to use a hairbrush?


  16. With all the meat talk in this recap, it reminds me of the single best moment in Teen Mom 2 history, the wonderful moment when Jeremy slapped Leah in the face with the uncooked bacon.


  17. Another excellent recap

    These poor boys ( Jace&kaiser)
    Mom is a shithouse as are the sperm donor fathers)


  18. I don’t think I can watch this anymore if Lurch stays in the picture. He is terrifying and my heart breaks for Janelle’s kids.


  19. RANT: Okay, I just want to know what the hell Jenelle’s fans are talking about when they say she has come so far and has turned her life around?? Are they watching the same show? This is the end of the seventh season and she is still a psycho loser. I would even say that she is worse than before because she is older and therefore should be wiser, but she doesn’t seem to have learned a thing. Is it because she is living in a nicer house? That would be because of larger MTV paychecks for supplying them with unlimited drama. I would just love an explanation from the fans about how she has turned her life around, because I just don’t get it. She is horrible and I feel terrible for her children. END RANT (for now).


  20. The entire Messer family stresses me out. The kind of people who thrive on starting drama and then try to somehow blame you for it. I feel so bad for anyone who has to deal with them or anyone like them, including Leah at times! I wish she would distance herself from them and their toxic drama enabling but sadly she never will because she’ll always be one of them at the end of the day.

    Felt so uncomfortable and upset for Jace during the gas station fight scene. As an adult he’s going to have so many bad difficult confusing memories of his childhood. Wish we could somehow save that little boy (along with Kaiser and Leah’s kids)


    1. Even Victoria managed to fix her hair and puit makeup on (albeit from the 80’s but whatev she tried)

      Leah says that MTV edits her to look bad, so does MTV edit her to look like she hasn’t showered in weeks, and do they edit her to look high AF. and do they edit her with unbrushed hair and scary eyes???


  21. As much I love the recaps, it’s hard to even read the Jenelle portions, much less make light of them. I realize the producers aren’t supposed to ‘interfere’, but I’d be making an anonymous CPS call on Kaiser’s behalf, and I’d keep calling.

    Also, a user on one of the Tumblr TM/TM2 blogs pointed out in a screencap that in the car while Kaiser was crying, his diaper had leaked through his shorts and needed changed. I don’t know about everyone else, but my little guy would absolutely be crying if his shorts were wet. As if my heart wasn’t breaking for him already, but mocking a baby for expressing their needs the only way they can? Seriously?!?


    1. Hallelujah and praise the baby Jesus for this post, Also-Ashley!

      David needs a bitch smackin’, it’s really that simple. Oh, if only that Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones was real.. a girl would like to hire a bitch to whoop a punks bootay!


    2. I agree with you 100%

      they should call cps
      I know I sure as hell would

      Maybe we should call cps, and report this mess of a bitch


  22. When Chelsea was talking about Adam saying “he’s a narcissist,delusional, thinks he’s grown but he isn’t” Did anyone else think she was talking about Jenelle. Also as much as this is amusement for us and entertaining this is Jace’s life. Which is sad this poor little boy can’t turn off the tv on this he has to see and deal with this everyday. Babs should just take her bitch of daughta to court for permanent custody already. I also believe Leah has grown this season with the way she reacts to other people. I was shocked how she didn’t turn meeting Jeremy’s girlfriend into her being a victim somehow.


    1. babs already does have full, permanent custody of jace. one of jenelle’s complaints is that she was tricked, that she thought she was signing over temporary custody, and didn’t understand. babs is under no obligation to let jace go there, she could stop at anytime and there’s not a damn thing jenelle could do. except file in court and continue keeping up with the case to at least fight for visitation. she doesn’t even have visitation rights like adam does. i def think babs needs to stop threatening shit and actually do it, but she gives in after a few weeks of pressure from both jenelle and jace and because she’s old and works and needs breaks too. i get that, but damn. can’t u find someone else to take him for a night? i think she put up a fuss too bc she’d been told they were bringing jace so she’d already started drinking. she’s been rumored to be a wino for awhile. she’s not nearly as bad as jenelle, but she’s not great either, all the screaming and back and forth with jace, talking to him like he’s grown. leah seems somewhat better, but to me, it seems like she’s just become much more aware of what people look for and is going above and beyond to put up a damn good front. she posted pics of the girls in the backseat with blankets and snacks after the whole episode where gracie said she was cold and hungry, shit like that.


      1. The child needs to be removed and placed with a good family in another state away from all this shouting and toxicity and poor Kaiser too


        1. that should’ve happened when jace was a baby smh. cps is on this keep the kid with the bio family at all costs kick that’s ridiculous. babs proved she couldn’t raise kids, she had three and none of them are stable, functioning, working adults. all have major issues, and she even said last night on the reunion, my grandkids know i yell. dr. drew said all the yelling was so bad and she just laughed and was like, it’s me, my grandkids know, i’m short so i yell to be heard. and of course, everyone laughs. babs IS funny, but she didn’t save jace at all imo, that would’ve happened if she’d allowed him to be adopted by a loving couple.


    2. Adam has one tiny sliver pro over Jenelle and that was he has technically been actually employed for longer than 30 minutes. Other than that they’re pretty much the same. Except Jenelle actually has more mug shots.


    3. just wait,this is the calm before the storm. I’m sure Leah is stock piling ammo to fling at this girl to make herself look like the innocent victim as always Or she’ll just sic her sister on Brooke.


  23. Jenelle’s scenes stopped being funny awhile ago. They are terrifying, it’s so hard to watch this monster around kids….it is pretty fucked up that MTV keeps filming and not calling CPS. Yelling at a 1yr old that he’s a whiny little bitch like his dad??? This kid doesn’t have a chance.

    I still think Jenelle’s “ailments” are a manifestation of her realizing Lurch is going to kill them all some day….she’s fighting an imaginary enemy so that she doesn’t have to fight the psychopath that moved in.


    1. Jenelles scenes were never funny.

      How did this bitch end up training in the medical field??? With her well documented drug addictions and arrests???

      Something strange with that, no hospital would Employ her and if they did then that’s well fucked up, id not want her anywhere near my medical records or any patients.

      She has not people skills, no manners, she’s rude mouthy and just vile


  24. If I were Babs, I would just stop letting Jace see Jenelle all together. I don’t care if she’s his biological mother. The woman is out of her mind and is not capable of raising a child in a stable environment. I think Jace would be so much better off without Jenelle in his life. I would fully support Babs taking custody of Kaiser as well but unfortunately, I don’t see that happening. Poor kid.


    1. I completely agree with you and wonder what she thinks once she sees it. It’s one thing to know he’s a monster but to watch it has to be a totally different story. I feel awful for Jace.


  25. Leah, when did jermy want to get back with you? Lol. Delusional. Jenelle- you suck….if someone yelled at my child, I would drown them. Worst mom ever


    1. Surprisingly, they actually *did* get back together after the initial breakup and DeerCam drama. He lasted about two weeks before getting the heck out of Dodge for good! I only know this because I follow the Twitter drama. I am ashamed. I think Leah likes to toot her own horn and tell herself that the ex’es want her back to make herself feel (and look?) better.


      1. Well according to her they never broke up. I thought she was insinuating that God awful dinner where he basically blew her off and she tweeted he wanted to try things again. Regardless, she’s delusional. Deer-cam was when jermy caught leah doing the hanky panky with robbie on the deer cam and called her out on twitter


  26. Noooooooo!!! You missed the very best part of the whole episode…when Leah hands Addy a hot dog straight from the package, completely uncooked!!

    (Unless I’m a ding dang idiot and am the only one that thought hot dogs should be cooked before eating them)


    1. Well, technically hot dogs already are cooked when you buy them. When you throw them on a grill, you’re basically just heating them up. So eating an uncooked hot dog isn’t necessarily bad. Although I’ve heard there is still the possibility of bacteria forming on the raw hot dogs. Plus I can’t imagine it would taste very good.

      I used to have a friend growing up that ate raw hot dogs. The thought of it always made me want to vomit.


    2. Haha I noticed that too! She went to hand it out, looked up and said “Well not this one…” and made a point of throwing it out!


  27. I really don’t wanna be rude because I love reading your recaps, but this one was a mess. There was a lot of spelling and grammar issues. Using the wrong name when describing the scene with Jenelle and Barb when they were on the phon talking about why Jenelle can’t have Jace back. And I’m pretty sure that the guy at Leah’s bbq is her brother in law, not Isaac, her actual brother. It was actually confusing to read.

    P.S.
    Please don’t hate me The Ashley


    1. Actually this was my favorite review ever!! I’m in an accounting class and had to stick my head in my purse laughing when you praised Amanda for her one-liner.


    2. Come on!!!! If you had as many ding dang reality shows to recap as The Ashley you’d have grammatical errors too!!! #givetheashleyabreak #leavetheashleyalone #whocaresaboutgrammar #imjusthereforthelaughsnotthepunctuation


    3. Jenelle and Leah abuse drugs neglect their kids slag off their exes.

      And all you can wine about is the spelling and grammar

      More urgent things going on other than your policing the spelling


        1. Stfu idiot your other comments have spelling errors too.

          So you have no right to say a thing.

          What a Pratt


    4. You cannot seriously be criticizing the spelling in this article. You just spelled the word phone ‘phon’ in your comment. And ‘wanna’ is not a word. It never fails that the person commenting on poor spelling and grammar is a repeat offender themselves.


    5. Your grammar and spelling are not the best either are they ???
      So don’t diss, when you yourself have made errors

      Miss big shot ( not)

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