Your holiday wishes have come true, Sister Wives fans! Kody Brown, his gang of wives and all their kids are back for another season on TLC! We will soon have an answer to that ever-important question: Will the producers of this show be able to stretch Meri’s “Catfish Catastrophe” drama into three whole seasons!? Stay tuned to find out!
The new seasons starts out with engaged Brown daughter Maddie coming to the Brown Compound to ask her little sister, Truley, to be the flower girl in her upcoming wedding. Truely is excited, and her mom Christine uses the opportunity to explain to us how polygamist weddings usually work. Basically, they’re a whole lotta no fun…had in secret.
“Polygamist weddings are very quiet,” she tells us. “There’s not a lot of people that come. They’re religious. It’s a religious ceremony where you don’t invite your friends and family,” she says. “There’s not a bride walking down the aisle.”
Maddie has chosen to buck her parents’ polygamist traditions and will not be fighting four other women for time with a poorly coiffed, egotistical man like her mom and sister moms do. The Browns are excited to experience a different wedding.
“This is our first monogamous wedding,” Janelle says.
“No, we’ve had a monogamous wedding in the family,” first wife Meri snaps. “Me and Kody.”
Awk-ward…well I’m sure it was just an honest mistake on Janelle’s part. Of course she didn’t mean it as a dig toward her rival sister wife, Meri…Hehehe
It’s about time for one of the adults to say/do something embarrassing. While they are refraining from doing any type of cringe-worthy “flash mob” (gotta save something for the wedding!) Christine does deliver a joke that makes you embarrassed for her.
When Kody tells them they’re going to mother-in-laws to Maddie’s future husband, Christine corrects him.
“No we’re gonna be mothers-out-laws,” she says.
Get it? Because polygamy is illegal?
Yeah…neither do we…
Later, Mykelti is doing her best to steal some screen time from her sister Maddie. She’s on the scene to talk about the man in her life, Tony. Christine calls Kody over to talk about Mykelti wanting to marry Tony, and Kody is not really thrilled about this news.
“She’s escaping something here so we redirected her to St. George,” Kody says. “Maybe she should be living here and they should be…” Kody begins.
“And do a long-distance courtship,” Christine finishes.
Anyone else getting major Duggar vibes here?
Kody assumes Tony is a good kid because he willingly chose to join the Mormon church as a teenager. Still, Kody is not happy that Mykelti is trying to rush into a marriage with him.
“I am concerned that she would try to get married the month before Madison or the month right after,” Kody says.
Poor Kody is freaking out at the thought of paying for two weddings within a few months of each other. (Well…that’s kinda why most people don’t have dozens of kids…just sayin’!)
The cost of Maddie’s wedding, plus a wedding for Mykelti would be incredibly hard for the Kodster to pay for. (He’s probably still making payments on Meri’s wet bar after all…)
Later, Mykelti drags ol’ Tony over to the house so that he can meet with Kody. After dinner, Kody takes Tony to another room to discuss marrying Mykelti.
“I don’t know Tony,” Kody tells us. “But I know that he is LDS and a devout Mormon and I know that Mykelti feels safe with him. My biggest questions with him coming to talk about marriage, is why so soon?”
Well….just to refresh your memory, Kod, you were only courting Robyn for four months before you got engaged. Don’t be swinging your wig around like you’re so high and mighty!
After awkwardly squeezing onto a tiny couch with Kody, Tony asks Kody for permission to marry Mykelti. Kody says he thinks that they need more time to get to know each other before they marry. Kody also makes Tony promise him that he would never discourage his children from plural marriage.
Kody asks Tony to promise that he will wait 10 months to a year before marrying Mykelti. Tony says he can’t promise that, because he has to talk to Mykelti about it. Kody asks Tony to promise that he and Mykelti will remain “non- sexual” until after their marriage, and Tony agrees to that.
Kody tells us if they do that then they can “have a honeymoon experience that is divine.”
Vomit. There’s nothing creepier than picturing Mykelti and Tony getting it on in their honeymoon suite hot tub…except for her father Kody talking about Mykelti and Tony getting it on in their honeymoon suite hot tub.
After Kody and Tony’s creepy talk, they meet up with Mykelti and Christine to discuss the marriage. Mykelti and Tony want to get married in August but Kody and Christine think they should wait until December.
Just then, Tony decides to take the prize from Christine for most cringe-worthy quote of the episode. He tells his girlfriend’s parents that, hey, if they’re going to have trouble paying for his wedding, why not just take a second mortgage out on their house?
Did you hear that? That was the sound of everyone watching this crapshow attempting to smack Tony through their TVs! Geez, Ton, why not just storm into Christine’s house and start taking items to pawn for cash? Truely doesn’t need that bed, anyway! This is your wedding we’re talking about here!
The next day, Kody and Christine go talk to their friends Dawn and Chris about the marraige. (These are the people who let Mykelti work at their pawn shop, in case you’ve forgotten.)
“It ain’t happening in August,” Kody says of Mykelti’s wedding. “It’s too soon. I got a wedding in June.”
“I know, but for them….it’s not about you,” his friend Dawn replies.
This may be the first time anyone has ever actually said that to Kody…and, of course, he doesn’t seem to understand what she’s saying.
We also learn that, like Madison, Mykelti was denied entrance into the Mormon church because her parents are polygamists.
Christine and Kody call all the wives over and announce Mykelti and Tony’s intentions to marry. All of the wives are shocked, but Robyn and Meri are actually calling Christine and Kody out for their hypocrisy.
“She’s 19. She’s as old as Madison. She really truly doesn’t have to have our approval,” Robyn says.
Some of them do believe, though, that Mykelti wants to get married so quickly because 1) she can’t wait to get freaky with Tony (also…ew) and 2) she kind of wants to steal Madison’s wedding thunder.
Next, the episode turns back to Madison’s wedding. Some of the gang heads to Montana to look for a spot to hold The Wedding Of The Century.
We learn that the Browns disagree about on whether or not to have alcohol at the wedding. Maddie and Caleb want booze, but they are a bit worried that their cowpoke friends might get all liquored up on free Redbull and Vodkas and cause a ruckus. Kody doesn’t want alcohol served at the wedding because a lot of people in their religion don’t drink.
Maddie tells us that, while she likes to get her parents’ input on wedding details, she’s basically just going to do whatever the hell she wants either way.
They next head over to the bakery, where they decide that Caleb’s groom cake will be shaped like an elk. (As you do.) To make things even more disgusting, they insist that the elk cake be red velvet inside and filled with huckleberries so that it looks like there are elk blood and guts spilling out of it when it’s cut into.
Nothing truly celebrates love quite like a cake made to look like an animal with its interns torn out, does it?
After the blood-spattered cake has been decided upon, they still need to fill some airtime. Why not drag out Meri’s catfishing story again!? Kody and Meri are set up to talk to each other about the catfishing experience, and how it has impacted their marriage.
We find out that Mariah still isn’t talking to Meri…but she is allowing Meri to dogsit her dog because, well, she’s Mariah and it’s ALL ABOUT HER (except when it’s about Kody, of course. Or Robyn.)
Because this is ‘Sister Wives,’ Meri and Kody decide they need to go see the family therapist and discuss their dead marriage. Meri says she feels like she is doing her life completely on her own. She says that Kody told her that he would not cross a burning bridge for her. Kody says he doesn’t remember that, but he does remember Meri telling him to hit the bricks and get out of her life.
Meri confirms that she said that, but tells us it didn’t really count because that’s when she thought she was going to run away with her Catfish Lover and live happily ever after, away from Hair Boy and his mob.
The episode ends with things not looking so great for Meri and Kody. They both seem to hate each other, and may only be staying together until they can decide who gets custody of that wet bar!
Until next week…
To read our recaps of the previous episodes of ‘Sister Wives’ click here!