The Ashley can hardly believe that she’s about to start recapping yet another season of Teen Mom 2! With each new season of the show comes certain things: new fabulously-awkward-on-camera “friends” of the girls who will undoubtedly make The Ashley giggle with delight; new canned-ravioli-fueled meltdowns a la Leah Messer and, of course, at least one to two new “soulmates” for Jenelle. Since Teen Mom OG is over for the season, it’s that time of year where we must trade seeing Butch in order to watch Barbara. (It’s essentially “Sophie’s Choice” for The Ashley!)
This season, the producers of this crap-bag have decided to spice things up by plowing through the “fourth wall” like Nathan on a steroid binge. We will no longer be pretending that the girls aren’t famous reality TV stars, and the producers will no longer have to hide their faces in the shadows while Jenelle beats her friend within an inch of her life with a drumstick. Now, they can be part of the fun too!
And, since it is the 105th season of this show, the producers finally decided to spruce up the intro graphics. The intro now looks like one of those weird “put your pictures into a book” things that Facebook is always trying to get you to sign up for.
Let’s get started! This intro is starting to become longer than Jenelle’s rap sheet!
We get a quick recap of last season: Jenelle’s going to court and has a new forever love, Leah’s battling Corey for custody, Kail is fighting with her boo and Chelsea is over-drawing her eyebrows and dealing with Adam. It’s the same crap that’s been happening since 2011 essentially, only now it’s happening in giant houses instead of ratty apartments and double-wides. #ThanksMTV
We start things off with Kail, who says she’s “more confused than ever” about where her marriage to Javi stands. We get to see some behind-the-scenes footage of Kail crying after filming a reunion scene last season with Javi, and then it’s time to head on down to a sky-diving center so Kail can throw all her cares aside (not to mention herself out of a plane).
“This is a quarter-life crisis!” Kail says, explaining why she’s going sky diving.
The instructor gives Kail some directions for when they get in the air.
“Legs back, legs up,” he tells her. “That’s your only job for today. Got it?”
Um…duh, dude. That shouldn’t be a problem. After all, this is Teen Mom. Doing that is what got these girls famous!
Kail zips herself into a sky-diving suit and explains that this is her way of dealing with the drama in her life. Apparently plummeting face-first toward the ground from 12,000 in the air is a stress reliever? Who knew? Perhaps this is just Kail’s unique way of getting HIGH! HIGH! At least this avenue for getting “high” doesn’t involve a disrespectful dude in a moldy sweatshirt, so there’s that…
(We miss ya Kieffa!)
Kail takes off into the sky and soon is heaved out of the side of the plane and into the universe.
I’m gonna take a moment to recognize the dedication that these ‘Teen Mom 2’ camera guys have for their jobs. The cameraman is legit hanging off the side of the plane, Superman-style, to capture the shot of Kail jumping. He’s probably just hoping that the next girl who wants to do “something crazy” to help her get through a divorce doesn’t decide to take up space travel or something.
Kail is zooming through the sky like some sort of C-list Superman, and soon she is floating down to the ground. She says it’s the most incredible thing she’s ever done. (I guess sex with Jo pales in comparison to sky diving.)
Next we check in with Chelsea and Adam. Producer Mandy is heading over to Adam’s house to see if South Dakota’s favorite “Swolemate” is ready to film, but she gets no answer when she knocks on his door. Adam’s Meathead Mobiles are in the driveway, and his garage is open, but Adam is nowhere to be found.
Finally, he sends her a text to let her know that he’s can’t film right now because he’s very busy.
“Need time,” he writes. “Napping.”
Who cares if MTV has trekked at least three crew members out to the middle of nowhere to film Adam and his back-from-the-dead friends talking crap on Chelsea? Adam needs his rest!
Producer Mandy is over Adam’s antics, and just starts beating on the door and screaming Adam’s name, Fred-Flintstone-style. He doesn’t surface, but when she gets him on the phone, Adam starts cussing her out for interrupting his beauty sleep. The crew is forced to sit in vans outside Adam’s house until he’s “ready” to film.
W..T..F… Where’s Jenelle with that drumstick when you need her!?
He finally lets them in about an hour later. He’s awake from his nap, but he’s hardly bright-eyed and bushy tailed from his rest. He tells the producers he doesn’t want to film for the show. (Unfortunately, though, it seems that Adam has already cashed those MTV checks so he kind of has to.)
Adam sits down with Producer Mandy and tells her that he’s sore that MTV wasn’t there to film the one time he actually went somewhere with Aubree. The producer says she doesn’t keep track of everyone’s schedule and that it’s his responsibility to let her know if he’s going to be spending “quality time” with his daughter.
He’s mad that they filmed the night where Adam missed Aubree’s father/daughter dance. He does not, however, say why he missed the dance. (Perhaps he was napping?)
He claims that Chelsea should be telling the producers when he actually shows up for his daughter’s events, and the producer just looks confused. She also looks like she’s tired of dealing with this protein-shake-filled jack-off with an attitude.
Speaking of jack-offs with attitudes, it’s now time to see what Jenelle has been up to since we last saw her. Shockingly, she’s still with David, the same soulmate she had last season, and not much has changed. Both of them are still jobless, of course, and Jenelle is still fighting The Battle of the Barb in order to get custody of Jace. The only thing that is different from Season 7A is that Jenelle found some eyebrows.
As per usual, Jenelle has a court date coming up. This time, she is facing the charges she incurred when she threw a mason jar full of water at the head of the girlfriend of her ex-fiance, Nathan. (As you do).
Jenelle’s semi-normal pal Jamie has surfaced and is back for another season of filming. For the occasion, Jamie has secured a pair of Black Fly sunglasses presumably from 1998 and is sitting next to Jenelle looking both sad and confused that this has somehow become her life.
Jenelle tells Jamie that she’s nervous that the judge is going to throw the book at her over the assault charges.
“If I’m found guilty, it could affect my career when I’m older,” Jenelle says.
When she’s “older?” Um…girl, you’re already like 25. Why is Jenelle acting like she’s still 16? By her age, a lot of people have their Bachelor’s degree and are a year or so into working their first “real” job. Jenelle is still throwing glassware at people’s heads and crying about crap that happens on Twitter.
Jesus God (Leah).
Jenelle says she is facing up to 30 days in jail, and that her getting thrown in the slammer “wouldn’t look good” during her custody battles for Jace and Kaiser.
Of course, according to Jenelle, this whole thing is the fault of Nathan’s girlfriend, Jessica, who is pressing the charges.
“She would send a mother to jail!” Jenelle cries of that mean ol’ Jessica.
The next day is Jenelle’s court date. We know that Jenelle means business because she’s wearing her glasses. Spectacles mean seriousness on this show. She’s all suited up in a polyester blazer set, looking like she’s ready to manage a Saturday night at the Outback steakhouse. She’s even wearing her “more classier” white high heels!
(I really think Jenelle is missing an opportunity by not putting out a line of “ready-for-court” clothing. Over the years, she’s had to pick dozens of judge-facing outfits! A court-wear clothing line could be a goldmine! She could get it into all the “more classier” stores like K-Mart and Walmart. Move over, Jaclyn Smith! Here comes Jenelle!)
On the drive over, Jenelle tells David that she wants to get a restraining order against Jessica so she “can’t pull charges on me again for no f**king reason.”
This is what our tax money is being spent on, folks. If Jenelle could just refrain from chucking glassware at people, no one would have to fill out all that legal paperwork to deal with this crap.
Of course, David (aka Lurch) agrees that Jenelle needs a restraining order. Jenelle thanks him for being with her on such a hard day.
“Of course,” he says. “I wouldn’t miss it for anything!”
I mean, what else is he gonna do with his time? They don’t show those “American Gladiators” re-runs until 4, so he’s got some time to kill.
They arrive at the courthouse in Horry County (which, by the way will never not be funny) and the reality TV gods are truly shining on us today. We are being allowed rare access into the courtroom. Not since Butch was thrown in the slammer after a court hearing during a ‘Teen Mom’ (no OG) episode have we really been allowed in on all the legal action!
Nathan and his girlfriend Jessica arrive at the courthouse. Nathan’s got his manbun all dressed up for the occasion, and poor Jessica appears to be trying to hide the dent in her head that was surely caused by Jenelle’s game of throw-a-mug with a hideous wig-like hairdo.
Soon, everyone is in the courtroom before a judge. The judge looks like a no-nonsense woman who ain’t got time for all the drama that these muppets are bringing to her courtroom. I hope she’s as sassy as she looks!
Jenelle looks genuinely scared that she may get thrown in the slammer. She has her trusty South Carolina lawyer, Amy, next to her. (Somewhere in North Carolina, Jenelle’s other lawyer, Dustin, is breathing a sigh of relief that this trash-trophe occurred across state lines so it’s Amy’s problem instead of his.)
We’ll have to wait to see what happens in court, because now it’s time to check in with Leah. Things are still crazy in her house, what with three young daughters, about five creepy realistic dolls and an assortment of critters scattered everywhere.
Leah is trying to wrangle her herd into the Trashmobile (which thankfully has been cleaned out since last season. She must have called the team from Hoarders out there in the off-season.) The twins have a softball game and Leah is ding-dang determined not to be late to the game. She’s freaking out over the stress, and is fumbling things as she tries to get out the door.
Leah gets the twins into the car (along with about five baby dolls who are strapped into a carseat better than Leah has ever strapped her own kids in). She’s ready to drive away but– dang-gammit!– she ain’t got no keys! Leah starts to freak out, wondering what trash pile her car keys may be under. During this time, the twins decide to start beating the living pulp out of each other in the backseat.
Leah is not amused by the kiddie kungfu match happening in her backseat. She demands that the twins shut their traps and tell her where those ding-dang keys are. The girls keep telling on each other, and suddenly Leah turns into the girl from the Exorcist, yelling in a deep growl, “ANSWER ME!” (I’m half expecting Chef Boyardee sauce to spray out of her mouth.)
It’s getting closer and closer to the softball game and Leah hasn’t even left the holler yet. She runs back into the house, throwing clothes, trash (and possibly cats) all over the house in an attempt to look for the car keys. Finally Leah can take it no more. She shuts herself down in the basement so that she can scream and let her frustrations out. (Meanwhile, her dazed-and-confused sister Victoria is just randomly roaming around Leah’s kitchen.)
“This is super important!” Leah bellows from the basement. “I can’t be late for their game, their game only lasts 30 minutes!”
Leah knows that if she starts up her old habit of being tardy for everything that dern Corey Tyler will come after her, trying to fetch those youngins away from her!
Leah is hyperventilating, screaming that things always happen like this when MTV is filming. Someone from the crew really should hustle down an oxygen tank to her or something. It’s just missing car keys, girl. It’s not like someone stole your last Lunchable or something!
A few minutes later–SPOILER ALERT!–Leah finds her keys and runs to the car to try to get the girls to their game.
(Sorry but is anyone else just a bit disturbed that Leah left her two young daughters alone in the car with the doors wide open while she had a meltdown in the house?)
The next day, Leah is still recovering from her traumatic key-losing experience. She’s got her third daughter, Addie, with her now, in addition to the twins. Her trusty cousin Chasity is back for another season of contributing well-timed grunts and confused looks to Leah’s ramblings.
Leah tells Chasity that she was so worried that Corey would get mad at her if she was late, which is why she was freaking out.
Chasity, who is not much for “learned” words and such, just keeps replying “Why?” to everything that Leah says. Classic Chasity!
Meanwhile in Delaware, Kail’s pal Gigi comes over to gab about Kail’s sky-diving adventure…and, of course, talk about Javi. Kail also mentions that Dr. Drew gave her some stellar advice during the filming of the reunion: the Doc recommended that Kail stay in an unhappy marriage with Javi for Isaac’s sake.
Kail vows not to make any decisions about her marriage until Javi returns home.
Speaking of Javi, they beam him in from the Great Desert so that he can flex on Facetime for some dude we’ve never seen before. (As you do.) This is getting a little weird…
Javi tells his friend that he still wants his marriage “more than anything” but he’s not sure what he’s going to come home to.
Over in Horry County (yup, still funny), Jenelle is being read her charges which include assault and battery. Jessica is called and marches proudly to the witness stand.
Jessica explains that Jenelle called Nathan and told him that she was going to throw all of his torn-up tank tops out on the front lawn, so he and Jessica went over to Jenelle’s place to collect them. Jenelle had told them that she wasn’t going to be home, apparently, so they felt like it was safe to go collect the tanks.
All of a sudden, a mason jar is heaved at Jessica’s head, and, according to Jessica, Jenelle was seen scurrying back into the house .
While Jenelle’s lawyer doesn’t deny that the incident happened, she tries to make it seem like Jessica is just charging Jenelle so that Nathan wins his custody battle for Kaiser.
“You’re right,” Jessica admits. “It probably doesn’t look good to be a mother and assault people.”
That’s true but this is Teen Mom, girl! If everyone stopped assaulting each other, we wouldn’t have a show!
Next up on the stand is Nathan. He looks excited (and also like he’s just dying to slice those sleeves off the dress shirt he’s wearing). Jenelle can’t even look at Nathan while he’s up on the stand. (Maybe she’s remembering all those moments of passion she had with Nathan over the course of their relationship… all three of them.)
Meanwhile, Lurch is lurking in the background with an angry (yet confused) look on his face.
Nathan explains that after she chucked the mason jar, Jenelle begged Nathan not to call the cops on her. Nathan says Jenelle threw out all the bargaining chips she had to try to entice Nathan not to call the cops– promising more time with Kaiser and even vowing to leave him and Jessica alone. They did call the cops, however, and Nate says he’s only seen his kid once in eight months because of it.
The judge seems to realize how ridiculous all of these people are. As much as I like her, I kind of wish they had brought Barbara up there in one of those old-fashioned white judge wigs and let her decide the outcome of this case. She could have cackled as she hammered a gavel down and accused everyone of being a “Mr. Disrespectful.”
Next it’s Jenelle’s turn to take the witness stand. She explains that this all happened when she was simply “in the kitchen making some ice water.”
Now did she get the recipe for that out of some sort of recipe book, or did she just come up with that idea herself!? #MoreClassier #MoreSmarter
Jenelle claims that she spied Nathan and Jessica pull up in Nate’s DoucheMobile, and when she went outside to investigate, Jessica made a remark to her. Jenelle says Jessica came toward her so Jenelle’s natural reaction was to take that ice water she had just “made” and throw it in Jessica’s face. But–oopsie!– the cup accidentally feel out of Jenelle’s claws and thunked Jessica right in the head!
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, BY GOD!
Jenelle says that she felt like her life was threatened so she ran back into the house, all while Nathan was screeching that she would never see Kaiser Roll again.
Jenelle bursts into tears and claims that she’s been “staying out of trouble” and is just trying to “be a good person and a good mom!”
Now, come on, Jenelle! This is a court of law, at least be serious and stop telling jokes!
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea, Aubree, Other Chelsey and South Dee-koo-tah Mary are heading to a dress shop so that Aubree can try on the dress she’s going to wear at Chelsea and Cole’s upcoming wedding. Aubree puts on the dress and is dancing around the shop.
“Oh my goodness that is so nice,” Mary says.
Aubree requests white heels to wear under her dress. (Perhaps she saw that they made Jenelle look “more classier” at court, so she wants to try some on too!)
Meanwhile in West Virginia, Leah is concerned when Jeremy tells her that he has a job offer in South Dakota that will last several months. She goes to the side of the road to meet Jeremy and exchange the youngin.
“You look awful cute!” Jeremy says, and Leah immediately perks up, until she realizes Jeremy was talking to his daughter and not her. Ding-dangit!
Later, Leah’s pal Kayla comes over with her youngin and Leah tells her all about Jeremy’s business trip. Leah is upset that Jeremy is only planning to see Addie once in the four months that he will be gone.
(Meanwhile, Aleeah is just quietly–but aggressively– riding a horse toy in the background. This is both funny and somewhat disturbing.)
The next day Leah arrives at the roadside stop to pick up Addie from Jeremy. It’s the last time Addie will see him for a few months, and Jeremy is upset. Addie isn’t really upset, but Leah seems to try to make her feel bad.
“It’s gonna be hard, the next four months,” she tells her. “You’re going to miss your daddy.”
In Delaware, Kail, Vee and Jo are taking Isaac out to celebrate his kindergarten graduation. When Isaac is asked what he wants to be when he grows up, he replies “Nothing.”
Well, kid, you’re on the right show!
Isaac starts to get upset and tells Kail that he wants his dad to be there. When Kail points out that Jo is sitting right across from him, Isaac says he wants his “other dad” (aka Javi).
Jo takes it in stride, and Isaac perks up when Javi calls him a few moments later.
Finally, we head back to South Carolina to see the decision of Jenelle’s court case. She’s blubbering outside and then heads into the courtroom to hear the verdict. The jury finds Jenelle not guilty and Jenelle is allowed to go.
How the hell was Jenelle found not guilty? Was the jury made up of Trashbag Tori, Jamie, her ex-husband Courtland and Kaiser? Good Lord!
Jessica makes a horrific face after the verdict is read, and then just shrugs, almost like she didn’t even care.
Lurch hugs his girlfriend and tells her how proud he is of her for not being a felon.
That’s all for this episode! Until next week….
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