Howdy fellow trash TV lovers! Although The Ashley took last week off from bringing you a play-by-play of Nick Viall‘s journey to find made-for-TV love, but she’s back to give you the run-down on this week’s episode of The Bachelor!
The episode kicks off where we left off last week. Nick is forced to tell the ladies why he had to send Liz home. (In case you were under a rock during the last two weeks, he sent her home because he put his Ding-Dong into her Ho-Ho during a one-night stand and she couldn’t stop telling people about.)
Anyway, some of the girls know that Nick and Liz banged, but some don’t, and the news is starting to circulate around the house. The girls who Nick has told are running around the house telling all of the other girls about the Nick/Liz sex and some of the girls are feeling kind of icky, thinking about eventually hitting the Fantasy Suite hump shack with Nick, knowing that he’s already banged one of the girls in the group.
Nick walks into the Bachelor Mansion and immediately tells the girls how Liz basically “wham, bammed thank you manned” him. Nick explains to the girls that he wants to focus on the ladies he hasn’t boned yet so he had to let Liz go. Some of the girls seem to respect that Nick was honest, but a few others look like they want to dash on over to the Walgreens and secure a prescription for Valtrex…just in case.
Go with that feelings, girls.
Nick is making the rounds, and some girls are brave enough to bring up the fact that Nick tries to stick it into any girl he spends the better part of an hour with. Of course, there are some women who aren’t bothered by the news at all. In fact, some of them seem to be pursuing Nick even harder now that they know he puts out.
One of those girls is, of course, Corinne. She doesn’t care that Liz went home. She is just upset that Nick had “intercourse” with one of these hussies before he had sex with her.
She strips naked, then puts on a trench coat. (You know some poor production assistant had to run out to the nearest Ross Dress for Less and buy a trenchcoat as soon as Corinne told the producers what she was planning.) Corinne sneaks downstairs, looking like a slutty Inspector Gadget.
Nick can sense that something is up. There’s no way Corinne would be all covered up in a coat…unless…she was using the coat to hide her naked body, which she then proceeds to squirt whipped cream all over.
As you do.
Corinne squirts the whip cream on her boob and Nick happily licks it off.
“I’m juggling between enjoying Corinne and being respectful to the other women,” Nick tells us.
I mean, he didn’t lick her whole nipple, just half! Geez.
Of course, the other women “just happen” to be looking out the window while Nick is lapping dairy products off of Corinne’s chest. They are not happy that Nick is being such a scuzzbucket.
Jasmine is particularly unhappy about the situation. She approaches Nick and Corinne and steals Nick away. For some reason this makes Corinne feel upset, and she retreats back to the bathroom to wail that she wants to go home as she cries and smears her LashBlast mascara all over her face.
Again, as you do.
It’s time for the rose ceremony, so the women are herded into the room. However, Corinne is a no-show. She’s chosen to spend the time napping, rather than attend the pitiful ceremony.
Nick soon realizes that Corinne has not come down for the rose ceremony. She already has a rose, so apparently she felt she didn’t need to show up.
Nick knows this is a problem: he still wants to lick stuff off of Corinne’s lady parts, but knows that if he doesn’t reprimand Corinne for not coming to the rose ceremony, the other girls will get mad and not let him lick stuff off of their body parts.
It’s hard to be the Bachelor, y’all!
He gives Brittany, Astrid, Taylor, Kristina and Danielle roses, followed by Rachel, Vanessa, Raven and Jaimi (and her oddly shaved eyebrow). Dominique gets one, as does Alexis and Josephine gets a rose, and finally it’s down to one more flower. All of the girls suck in their guts a little more in hopes that the flower will go to them. It goes to Jasmine, and she literally thanks the Baby Jesus that she’ll be able to stay in this charade another week.
That sends home Lacey, Elizabeth and a tearful Hailey.
“I wish I had been able to open up more,” she tells us as she leaves the house (wearing a dress that is exposing her entire bra). I don’t think it’s physically possible for Hailey to have been more open!
Now that Nick has hacked some of the fat from his gang of girl-admirers, things move forward. The next morning, Chris Harrison comes to the Mansion to let the girls know how great the upcoming dates are going to be. The only clue on the card is “Everybody!”
Um…maybe they’re gonna go get tested for STDs? That would be an applicable activity for everybody in this clan.
We then find out what it actually means: it’s a Backstreet Boys-themed date! Um, yay? (Get it? Their song from like two decades ago was called “Everybody.”)
After choking out a few lines from “I Want it That Way,” the [40+-year-old] “Boys” leave so the girls can get ready for the date.
Jasmine’s all excited about the date, because she has a background in dance. The girls pile into the limo and scream their way over to a studio, where the Backstreet Boys are trying to teach Nick to dance. Apparently, the Backstreet Boys are looking for background dancers and–wouldn’t ya know?– they want Nick’s gals for the job!
For the occasion, Nick has donned a tight tank top and legging set that is straight out of the little girls’ department of Target. Naturally.
The girls start learning a dance, and Corinne is struggling to remember the steps. She is hoping that there will be an opportunity to just drop to the stage and start humping Nick/the air/a random camera man/anything. That’s basically her only hope at this point.
Corinne can’t take it so she runs off into the bathroom to cry/steal camera time from everyone else. The other girls are getting really annoyed with Corinne’s antics. Nick, however, seems unfazed.
It’s time for the girls to go out on stage and perform for “500 people” at the Backstreet Boys’ show. The girl who is deemed the best dancer will be serenaded on stage with Nick.
That may be the saddest thing I have ever heard.
The girls run out on stage and start dry-humping random “Boys” while Nick “white guy shuffles” himself between the gyrating women. Next it’s time for the girls and Nick to do the choreographed dance, and it’s just ridiculous. I’m secondhand embarrassed for everyone involved: the girls for dancing, Nick for being the center of this date, the Backstreet Boys for still singing these songs all these years later, the fans who actually paid to watch this, and, of course, myself for actually watching this crap.
Danielle “wins” the date, and gets to awkwardly sway on the stage with Nick while the “Boys” serenade them. The other girls are forced to watch them dance, and it’s super awkward and semi-creepy all the way around.
“This is the worst day in my life!” Corinne wails.
After that horrorfest ends, Nick and the girls go to a restaurant for drinks. Corinne immediately steals Nick away to “apologize” for making him lick her cream-covered nipple. The other ladies use the time to talk crap on Corinne.
Nick later takes Danielle aside to talk. The weird SkinMmax music starts to play so we know that it’s time for Nick to shove his tongue down Danielle’s throat.
Corinne later tells the other girls that she still has a nanny.
“She makes sure that my bed is made every morning, she makes me salads,” Corinne says of her nanny. “It makes her happy and I’m not going to stop a woman’s happiness.”
Jasmine is listening to this, and looks like she wants to knock Corinne up-side the head with a champagne bottle.
It’s time for Nick to hand out the date rose, and Jasmine is just staring at him like, “Go ahead. Give that to Corinne and see what happens.”
Luckily, though, Nick gives the flower to Danielle.
The next day, Vanessa learns that she will get the next one-on-one date. She will get to become weightless with Nick in a G-force plane. They head into the air and soon Vanessa and Nick are floating around the interior of a plane.
Soon, Nick and Vanessa are kissing in mid-air and Nick is instinctively trying to wrap his legs around Vanessa to get in a little action before they touch back down on the ground.
Just then, Vanessa starts to get nauseous (which is probably pretty common among women who are kissed by Nick.)
Vanessa is soon heaving into a bag while Nick stares at her.
“I don’t think I would have been able to survive if Nick hadn’t been here with me,” she tells us.
Yes. You would have surely died had you not had Nick there kissing on you after you yacked into a bag. Gross!
Later, Vanessa gargles with a gallon of Scope and heads out to have dinner with Nick on the top of a building.
“I want to thank you for being you,” she tells Nick.
Nick seems to be digging Vanessa (and even tears up a bit while he talks to her). He gives her the date rose and then proceeds to attack her at the mouth.
The next day is Nick’s group date with another gaggle of girls. It’s an active date, so Nick is sporting his trusty tank again. They will be doing track-related activities, so Nick brings in three Olympic track athletes to “help” the women: Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter. The girls learn they will be doing a decathalon.
Good thing they all wore their false eyelashes!
The girls do a series of weird calisthenics and then it’s time to start the decathlon. Their first event is the long jump, so the girls will have to try to jump into a giant cardboard limo. Next, they have to high jump on a pit plastered with a photo of Nick’s greasy mug. Next up is the javelin throw. The girls have to throw a giant arrow into a heart-shaped target. Most of the girls do well, except for Dominique, who is struggling.
The events come to an end, and the Olympians decide that the top three girls are Rachel, Alexis and Astrid. It’s time for the girls to run. They will be forced to grab a big ring and run it over to a hot tub where a moist and shirtless Nick is waiting for them.
The girls start running and all we can see is Astrid’s ample bosom flopping along the track. Rachel throws the ring down on accident, and Astrid accidentally steps on it. The thing shatters and Astrid grabs it. She throws herself into the hot tub and all the losing girls sulk away.
It’s Dominique’s turn to blubber. She feels like she’s “falling behind” getting Nick’s heart.
That night, Nick & Co. head into an antique store to have drinks and talk crap on each other. Dominique is still crying, so she goes into the bathroom to wail about how Nick doesn’t like her. She’s trying to mentally prepare herself to go out and charm the tight jeans off of Nick.
Good Lord, girl. This is Nick we’re talking about here. You’re not meeting the damn President or anything. This is a guy who just licked whipped cream off of some girls’ nasty boob. Let’s put things into perspective here.
Finally, Dominique gets some alone time with Nick. She uses that time to yell at him for not giving her a “fair chance” and for not coddling her when she’s being ridiculous. Nick looks like he wants to scream “Check please!” before she even finishes her sentence.
The poor girl has no idea that Nick probably doesn’t even remember her damn name.
Finally, Nick tells Dominique that there’s no chance in holy hell that she will ever see a date card with her name on it. He sends her home, claiming that he doesn’t feel a connection with her like he does with the other girls.
Dominique is shoveled into the Pity Limo so quickly that she doesn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to the other girls. Nick informs the other women that he told Dominique to hit the bricks, and they all seem happy that there is one less broad standing between them and two-to-three months of fake happiness with Nick.
The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the girls that Nick has decided that, instead of the girls wearing skimpy dresses at a cocktail party, he would like them to wear skimpy bikinis at a pool party. He’s all class, that Nick.
The girls strip down and await their hero’s arrival. As soon as Nick arrives, a bunch of girls are just throwing various body parts at Nick in hopes of getting a few seconds of his attention. Nick is rubbing, kissing and straddling basically anything with boobs, and soon he heads over to a moon bounce, where Corinne is bouncing around and waiting to swap body fluids with him.
He jumps in and Corinne is doing her best to make sure all of the other girls know that she is in the moon bounce attacking Nick with her vagina. She’s got him down on the floor of the moon bounce and all the other girls are watching.
Finally, some of the girls get tired of the free sex show so they walk away. Later, Nick goes back to the party and Raven decides to be the token girl who has to tell the Bachelor about the girl who is there for the “wrong reasons.” (There is one every season, of course.) Jasmine joins in and tells Nick all of the creepy things that Corinne has done.
Even Vanessa is feeling uncomfortable after seeing Nick rub his junk all over Corinne in the bouncy house. She takes him aside and tells Nick that his being a man whore isn’t very attractive.
“I’m not judging Corinne,” she says. “I’m judging your actions.”
We don’t get to find out how Nick responds…until next week, of course.
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Bachelor’ recaps, click here!