Clip on your extensions and get your claws out because…it’s time for another “enchanted” episode of The Bachelor!
No, seriously. That’s how they actually described this trash heap-of-an-episode
Anyway, this week’s episode kicks off where we left off last week. Taylor and Corinne are having a spat while sitting outside by the fire, while all the other girls are watching them from inside and talking crap on them both.
23-year-old Taylor tells 24-year-old Corinne that she basically has the maturity of a grapefruit, and that she and the other girls don’t believe that Corinne is “emotionally intelligent” enough to marry the sophisticated mastermind that is Nick Viall.
Corinne, of course, does not take the criticism well. She basically yells “NUH-UH!” and pulls a “I know you are but what am I?” on Taylor. Corinne tells her that all of the other girls don’t like her and they all think she’s rude. (At least that’s what I think Corinne was saying. It was hard to tell, being that she was sort of slurring, all while spitting her Pinot Grigio every once in a while.)
Corinne scolds Taylor for having a “stank face” and soon Taylor looks like she’s ready to dunk Corinne (and her weird Jessica Simpson-brand extensions) head-first into that campfire.
Later, Corinne grabs Nick (but not by the junk, for once) and tells him how awful Taylor is. She even declares that Taylor is not “here for the right reasons.”
Corinne seems proud of herself and is certain that her dropping the “Right Reasons” bombshell will convince Nick to ditch Taylor.
He herds all of the girls out into the freezing cold and force them to shiver in their Spanx while he decides who gets the ax. The girls are just standing there freezing in some weird barn while Nick discusses his “feelings” and “conversations” with Chris Harrison. Finally, Nick strides over to his hypothermic honeys and just stares at them awkwardly.
Nick gives roses to Whitney, Danielle, Jasmine, Rachel, Jamie, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis and Corinne. There’s one flower left, and all of the leftover girls are trying to hold back tears (because they’re probably afraid they will freeze to their faces!)
The final rose goes to Taylor, and Corinne looks incredibly angry. That sends home Astrid and a tearful Sarah. She is literally just sobbing. She does know that she’s crying over Nick, right? Just go on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, girl. There’s a pretty good chance Nick will be single by then and will end up doing another season of that show. It is Nick, after all…
Nick collects his remaining women and informs them that he will be taking them to New Orleans. The girls squeal with delight. (A few of these nitwits probably think that New Orleans is a different country, so that may explain the excitement.)
After showing pretty much every New Orleans stereotype known to man except for college girls flashing their boobs for beads, we watch Nick walk down Bourbon Street. He utters the line that the star is basically required to say about every place they go: “This is the perfect place to fall in love!”
Of….course it is.
The girls head to their penthouse suite and Corinne and a few of the other young girls start jumping on the beds (as you do). Chris Harrison comes in and announces that there will be a one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one date. The girls all cringe and hope that they won’t be chosen for the two-on-one date, because that means they have to out-hobag the other girl on the date.
The one-on-one date goes to Rachel, who’s thrilled to get away from the other girls’ overly-made-up mugs for a few hours. Rachel and Nick head out to try on creepy souvenirs at a swapmeet, before eating some oysters on the streets. Rachel hopes that having Nick slurp down some street seafood will have an aphrodisiac effect on him.
Um…this guy gets horny from watching a Viagra commercial. I don’t think you need any help getting him fired up, girl.
They head over to buy some New Orleans beignet pastries. I’m almost sure that Nick keeps calling them “Bengays” which is nearly as amusing as watching him maul the pastry, spitting white powdered sugar out as he speaks.
Later, there’s a parade for Nick and Rachel. They’re booty-bumping down Bourbon Street, while all the native New Orleaners behind them look like they’re trying to remember that entertaining these creeps will help bring tourist money to their town.
Hang in there y’all. Soon Nick & Co. will be gone, and all that will be left will be a citywide shortage of Plan B pills and the smell of desperation lingering in the air.
That night, Nick and Rachel have dinner in a Mardi Gras museum. Nick thanks Rachel for waiting to get some alone time with him.
“I’d like to think it was worth the wait,” Nick tells her.
I just can’t with this guy…
Nick tells Rachel that he’s kind of bothered that, if things work out between them, he will have to ask yet another father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Nick is feeling a little bit “yucky” about doing the routine again.
Rachel tells Nick that her father is a very conservative judge.
Of course, Nick gives Rachel the Date Rose, which means she won’t have to stand in line with the degenerates and wait with baited breath at the next Rose Ceremony. Nick shows us how much he likes Rachel by sticking his tongue down her throat while they’re mounted on a random parade float.
Back at the hotel, the girls are waiting for the next date card to arrive. Corinne waits in the bathtub, naturally.
You see where this is going, right? Taylor and Corinne are totally going to go on the two-on-one date. There’s absolutely no way the producers are going to miss out on that drama! Hell, they may even drag in a pool of Jello for the girls to wrestle in while they wait for Nick to pick them up.
The cards arrive, and, of course it’s Corinne and Taylor who will be going on the two-on-one date. (There’s no way the producers had any hand in choosing them, of course.)
The girls going on the group date load up and head over to the Houma House, a giant Southern mansion. (You can almost see those scenes from “The Notebook” playing out in all of these girls’ heads.)
Nick informs the girls that the mansion is one of the most haunted houses in New Orleans. Raven vows to call on her pal Jesus to help get her through. Well, Jesus and cocktails, of course.
Nick & Co. take a house tour and learn about all of the ghosts that have been seen at the house. They learn about a creepy little girl ghost who will haunt them if they touch her stuff.
So…it’s like living with Corinne, no?
Jamie encourages the gang to have a seance in the middle of the living room. (She’s edgy like that, ya know. She has a shaved eyebrow and likes the supernatural and whatnot.) Suddenly, a Ouija board “appears” and some of the girls refuse to use it.
Vanessa says she is afraid of what could happen.
Girl, you’re competing with a bunch of dramatic turds to win the heart of a three-time ‘Bachelor’ loser. How much worse can your life really get?
Of course, as they try to contact the spirits, all the lights go out and everyone starts screaming. What, did Juan Pablo come in the house without any pants or something?
The girls are shaking in their mini skirts, as Nick asks two girls to accompany him upstairs to the little girl’s bedroom. Next, they head to the area that they were told was off-limits. Of course, a chandelier falls immediately after Jasmine touched one of the “restricted statues.”
This is like a bad episode of “Scooby Doo.” Seriously.
Later, Nick tells us that, although everyone is scared, he’s still hoping for some romance.
So…basically, he’s hoping he can convince at least one of these girls to bang him in that dead girl’s bed at some point during the evening.
He takes a few girls aside to spend some time alone with them. He has good conversations with Danielle and Raven. All of a sudden, Raven tells Nick that she has fallen in love with him which seems to surprise Nick. She’s hoping it’s enough to earn her the Date Rose.
Nick gathers his galpals and presents the Date Rose to Danielle, shocking everyone, especially Raven who just proclaimed her undying love for our hero.
Back at the hotel, the girls’ two-on-one date card arrives, telling them that they’ll going to the bayou for their date. Both girls look confused, and seem to be trying to figure out what the hell a “bayou” actually is.
The girls are not speaking to each other, which makes the ride to the swamp extra-awkward. Taylor vows to take the high road and keep things classy (as she hugs Nick and wraps her legs around his groin and gyrates.)
They load into a very small boat and head out into the bayou. Both girls tell us how awful the other is, and soon they arrive at a spot in the swamp where they can start walking around. Corinne is especially worried about being “eatin” by a bayou monster.
They meet up with some people, including a tarot card reader.
“Get ready to be revealed!” one person tells her.
Taylor is hoping that the reader will reveal what a great big ol’ “emotionally immature” tramp Corinne is. They bust out the tarot cards and the reader sends Nick and Corinne away so she can read Taylor first.
“She’s a big mean swamp monster,” Corinne tells us of Taylor.
Corinne uses the time to inform Nick that she doesn’t like Taylor.
“She emotionally attacked me!” Corinne cries. “She basically called me stupid.”
Nick looks like he wants to feed both of these girls to the gators and run off with the card reader. He returns Corinne to the reader and takes Taylor aside. Nick addresses what Corinne said about Taylor being an awful swamp monster. Taylor doesn’t seem worried about it, and tells Nick that Corinne didn’t even know what “emotional intelligence” is, so clearly she isn’t the girl for him.
Meanwhile, Corinne secures a voodoo doll to use against Taylor. As you do.
The girls sit down together and Taylor scolds Corinne for lying to Nick about her. Corinne insists that Taylor was being “no fair” to her, and that Taylor had refused to be Corinne’s friend.
Nick comes over to the table and says it’s time to send someone home brokenhearted. He gives the Corinne the rose, sending Taylor home. She’s shocked, and Corinne somehow manages not to gloat as Taylor is forced to sit alone in the swamp as Corinne boats away with Nick.
Taylor is not through, though. She sits out in the swamp until it’s dark and then goes and finds the people she met earlier that day. She lets them throw some sort of Tabasco sauce on her, while some weird guy sponges her off and chants. She’s planning to get revenge on Corinne.
This is getting ridiculous. Even for ‘The Bachelor.’
Nick takes Corinne to dinner, and Corinne talks about how excited she is to have alone time with Nick…which, of course, means that their alone time will undoubtedly be interrupted by “someone.”
Taylor power-walks toward the place that Corinne is having dinner with Nick. She walks in on them mid-makeout and demands to talk to Nick.
But…we’ll have to wait until next week to listen to Taylor to “speak her truth.” We are slapped with another “To be continued…”
Until next week!
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