Grab your tissues because this week’s episode of The Bachelor is going to be emotional. Let’s just say that if it were an episode of Friends, it would be titled “The One Where Everyone Cries.”
Last week, they left us with a big “To be continued…,” so we pick up where we left off. Taylor has already been eliminated, but she’s refusing to leave. She let some weird New Orleans voodoo people sprinkle some sort of magic love powder on her so that she can make Nick want to bang her more than he wants to bang Corinne…or something.
After the voodoo ceremony, Taylor struts on down to the place where Corinne and Nick are having dinner. Of course, Nick and Corinne are shocked to see Taylor, and Corinne is pissed.
Taylor launches into her speech, telling Nick that Corinne is a big, dirty liar. She pulls Nick outside, while Corinne huffs and puffs her plumped-up fish lips.
Taylor tells Nick that Corinne lied to him. She reminds Nick that a bunch of the other girls think Corinne’s a big, dirty liar too. Nick isn’t swayed (because….whipped cream and moon bounces). He thanks Taylor for her time and essentially reminds her that there’s a plane ticket with her name on it sitting in the Pity Limo.
Corinne is relieved to see that Nick didn’t listen to Taylor.
“Like, this is a real thing!” Corinne squeals as she makes out with Nick (and her micro-mini skirt that may or may not actually be a napkin from their dinner table, rides up almost to her waist.)
The next night, the “ladies” take a carriage to a New Orleans mansion. Chris Harrison puts in his two minutes of work to tell the girls that they won’t have any time to throw their baby-makers on Nick because he’s requested that they go straight to the Rose Ceremony without a cocktail party.
Corinne and Rachel already have roses, and Nick gives the other roses to Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, both Danielles, and Jasmine. There’s only one rose left, and Nick gives it to Whitney, sending Josephine, Alexis and Jaimi home. (Sorry, but Jaimi deserved to go home. Her purple lipstick, gold glitter eye shadow and half-shaved eyebrow made her look like a damn Muppet.)
Alexis, girl, we will miss you and your dolphin sounds. You were way too cool to date this knucklehead, anyway…
Nick tells the remaining members of his hussy herd that they will next be heading to St. Thomas! The girls shriek with delight.
Soon, Nick and the girls are splashing in the white sand beaches of St. Thomas. The girls head to their hotel suite, and they scream out Nick’s name as he just happens to be flying by their hotel room balcony in plane. As you do.
Nick arrives to greet the ladies wearing a woman’s tank top and swim shorts that may or may not have been worn by Screech from Saved By the Bell. Oh…and Keds with no socks.
He selects Kristina to go on a one-on-one date with him. They fly off in an airplane. Meanwhile on the ground, Jasmine is legit crying. She’s just standing in the middle of the street blubbering that she didn’t get to go on the date with Nick. Finally, one of the other girls hauls her away because she’s killing the vibe.
On the date, Kristina and Nick strip down to their bathing suits and head into the ocean. She assumes the required ‘Bachelor’ beach pose by wrapping her legs around Nick’s groin.
After taking a dip, Nick and Kristina go to dinner, and Nick is pumping Kristina to tell him all about her life in Russia. Apparently, her birth mother ditched her at home without any food so she had to eat lipstick. At five years old, she got kicked out of her house by her mom and eventually ended up in an orphanage. Kristina says that a lot of orphaned Russian girls end up prostituting, so she allowed herself to be adopted by an American family at age 12.
Nick is impressed by Kristina’s strength so he gives her the date rose. They finish their date by dancing in the center of a bunch of local woman awkwardly swinging their skirts around them.
At the suite, a woman arrives to help clean for the girls. Her name is Lorna, and Corinne assumes that Lorna is here to be her St. Thomas nanny. Soon, poor Lorna is making Corinne snacks and drinks, and ironing her skanky dresses.
The group date card arrives for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M. and Jasmine. Of course, Jasmine starts crying again because she has to go on another group date.
Danielle L. and Whitney will have to go head-to-head on a two-on-one date with Nick.
The next day the bathing beauties meet up with Nick (who is wearing some more short-short bathing trunks), and board a boat to go sailing around the island. They drink some cocktails, play some games and Nick proclaims himself to be a “drunk little baby dinosaur.” Naturally.
Next is a game of drunken volleyball. Corinne downs a few more shots and Nick starts to pay more attention to her than to the other girls. The others begin to notice that Nick’s creepy eyes are focusing on Corinne’s hanging-out butt cheeks, rather than the volleyball.
Jasmine starts getting all crazy, and eventually just starts throwing girls down for no reason, which I appreciate.
Rachel is starting to throw a hissy fit because she doesn’t feel “valued.” Vanessa is also feeling “under-valued” and is starting to pout.
“It’s so annoying,” she cries…while she’s on a white sand beach…in St. Thomas…that she didn’t have to pay to go to.
Next, Danielle M. is crying. There’s legit like four women sitting on the beach blubbering…over NICK. Girls are sobbing into their towels on the beach, while others are wailing in a beach hut. This is just embarrassing.
That night, Nick rounds up all of his sour-mood sweethearts and is attempting to bring the group’s mood up. He loads the girls full of cocktails, and then starts pulling girls aside to give them some alone time. He pulls Rachel away first. She tells him that she doesn’t like group dates. Nick tells her basically to suck it up.
He goes around to a few of the other girls and tries to make sure they’re happy enough to stick around until he can dump them properly.
Meanwhile, Jasmine is getting oddly aggressive. She’s threatening to just punch Nick square in the face.
“I know that the woman the man would be so happy for the woman to have me,” she says while slurring. (Someone had few too many Mimosas.)
She’s talking non-stop and all the other girls seem to be backing away from Jasmine slowly. She’s legit losing her mind because she hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Nick. He keeps pulling other girls aside for alone time, and never asks Jasmine to go off with him.
“I like him so much but I wanna like, choke him, right now!” Jasmine says of Nick.
Finally, the producers probably force Nick to take Jasmine aside so she can verbally/physically assault him into giving her the date rose. She asks Nick why he isn’t taking her on one-on-one dates, and Nick starts to get that distant look in his eye. He’s trying his best to look like he’s listening (and to not wipe the saliva that Slurry McSlursalot keeps spitting on him while slurring/crying.) She keeps repeating the same things, and poor Nick doesn’t even get to say a word.
Seriously…did someone slip Jasmine a bunch of caffeine pills or something? She’s acting like Jessie Spano when she was “so excited.” Good Lord.
“I want to hit ya in the face,” she tells him. “Know what I mean?”
Nick looks horrified, but he thanks her “for sharing.”
She then begs him to let her straddle him (as you do), but Nick declines. Hey– if Nick is declining to let a girl straddle him, you know he’s turned off!
He knows what he has to do: he tells Jasmine thanks but no thanks. He says that he doesn’t see a real future with Jasmine (or her assault threats).
“Jasmine and I had a great start, but things kind of fell flat,” Nick tells us.
Well…that and she kept trying to punch you.
He basically shoves her into the Pity Van and is finally able to wipe all the spit off his face. Jasmine is blubbering and slurring into the camera as she’s being driven to the airport, and Nick looks completely relieved to see her go. Raven is given the date rose, and the girls are scared when they find out that Nick sent Jasmine home.
The next morning, Danielle L. and Whitney arrive for their two-on-one with Nick. They are both dressed in ill-fitting rompers, while Nick is wearing yet another pair of his trusty short-shorts. The trio go to the beach and he spends time with each woman alone. Whitney pleads her case first, stating that she’s always been honest with Nick.
“I’ve always been appreciated about that,” Nick bumbles before busting out the equally cringe-worthy line, “I don’t know if you know but you’re really beautiful.”
During his alone time with Danielle L., Nick seems scared as Danielle proclaims that she sees a future with him. She’s rattling on about their relationship, and Nick seems to make a realization. He goes over to Whitney and tells her that he’s just not feeling it with her.
“As much as I really want to give it to you, I know in my heart I can’t,” Nick says.
He’s talking about his heart…I think….
Whitney’s not thrilled. Nick gives Whitney a long, awkward pity hug, and then loads Danielle into the helicopter. They literally leave poor Whitney in a tornado of helicopter dust. Whitney is angry that Nick chose Danielle over her.
“I just didn’t see that coming!” she wails.
Well…you were both equally boring. Nick probably just played “eeny meeny miny moe” to decide who to keep around for a few more hours.
Nick takes Danielle to an old, dark dungeon-like building. Danielle is swooning, telling us that she’s “about to be in love” with Nick.
They must give these girls kickbacks for each ‘Bachelor’ cliche they manage to work into an episode.
Nick and Danielle take turns rambling about “honesty” and “integrity” and my eyes begin to glaze over as I’m watching this scene. Their monotone rambles are hard to follow. Other than Nick, Danielle may be the single most boring person on this damn show.
Danielle tells Nick she’s starting to “fall for” him. Nick starts to get a weird look on his face. He’s either got a major wedgie from those short-shorts or is about to ditch another broad!
He tells Danielle that he wanted her to be “the one,” but she’s just not someone he wants to continue to try to grope inappropriately. He tells her that he can’t give her the date rose, and tries to make her feel bad for him by bringing up the fact that both Andi and Kaitlyn dumped him once before.
It’s all awkward because Danielle doesn’t seem to catch on right away that she’s getting dumped. Finally Nick gently escorts her outside, just as the Pity Van zooms up to pick her up.
After Danielle is scooted away, Nick wanders the streets alone. He sits at the dinner table and stares at Danielle’s empty chair. (He looks like he’s also contemplating taking a few bites off of Danielle’s leftover steak. Hey, she’s not going to eat it!)
Nick wonders aloud if he’s unlovable, and if he’s going to end up alone yet again.
The girls are shocked when they learn that Nick has sent a third girl home this week. Nick surprises them by coming into their hotel suite and all the girls are just silent. He doesn’t even say anything, which starts to creep everyone out.
Nick starts blubbering as he explains why he sent both Danielle and Whitney home. Tears are falling from his eyes as he tells the remaining girls that he’s hit “a new low.”
Well…that’s the understatement of the year.
Nick says he’s “terrified” that he won’t find love, and says that he doesn’t know if he can keep “doing this.”
Um…you’re under contract, bro. You better keep doing this! Besides, it’s only been a few weeks. What the hell do you expect?!
Nick leaves the women shocked. They see Nick walking toward a Pity Van, and everyone starts sobbing again.
We won’t get to find out what happens until next week, but we can expect more tears, as well as another appearance of Corinne’s “platinum vagine.” Leave it to Corinne to “screw the fun”back into a ‘Bachelor’ season!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!