Welcome back to The Bachelor, where we are about to embark on a VERY IMPORTANT WEEK! That’s right, guys: this is the week that Nick will decide which of the four remaining broads he wants to bang in the Fantasy Suites next week!
After Nick hacked away at his gang of galpals last week, we are left only with Rachel, Corinne, Raven and Vanessa. All of the girls are hoping to bring this muppet home to meet their families.
We start things off in the Bahamas, where the remaining four girls are scared that they will be the next girl jammed into the sweaty Pity Van with a ticket home. They are all waiting for Nick to come into their hotel suite to let them know what’s going to happen next.
Finally, our hero arrives at the girls’ hotel room. He is holding four roses, but apparently, that’s a few too many flowers for Corinne to count.
“I don’t know how many roses there are and I’m freaking out!” she tells us.
It’s hard for her, guys!
When Nick informs the girls that he is giving them all a rose, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. (They’re probably just thrilled that they don’t have to stuff their asses into yet another itchy, synthetic cocktail dress and stand there like an idiot at a Rose Ceremony.)
Anyway, Nick first travels down to the holler to visit Raven’s hometown of Hoxie, Arkansas. Raven is determined to show Nick a hee-haw good time, so she first takes him to her favorite grain bin (no seriously…) and forces him to climb up to the top with her. (He agrees because he gets to stare at Raven’s ass while they climb the stairs.)
Unfortunately, the pair doesn’t even make it to the top of the grain bin before some sheriff straight outta Mayberry PD pulls up and tells them that they ain’t allowed to mount them grain bins. Nick starts to get nervous, and then looks like he’s about to cry (again). The sheriff then reveals that he’s actually Raven’s brother, Weston, and this is all just a ding-dang joke!
Damn! I would have paid good damn money to see Nick arrested for trespassing and shoved into some bo-hickey Arkansas jail alongside some shirtless hog farmer named Bo.
Next, Nick and Raven take off muddin’ and soon their adventure turns into a weird mud fight that looks like a mix of a bad Hallmark movie scene and a softcore p0rno. Nick is shirtless, the soft music is playing and soon he and Raven are rolling around in the muddy marshlands. They are both soaked with muddy water.
Seriously, they’re gonna need a buzzsaw to cut Nick out of those wet skinny jeans.
After Raven and Nick hose off, it’s time for her to bring him home to meet Ma and Pa. He meets both of them, and just sits there grinning awkwardly. Raven starts to cry, and thanks her parents for being so great and showing her what kind of man she should marry.
Yet…she’s here with Nick so…wtf?
Raven talks to Ma about how wonderful Nick is. Raven reveals that she’s “falling for” him, and that she feels stronger about Nick than she even did about her ex (who, in my head is named Bobby Bo John and no one will ever tell me differently.)
Meanwhile, Nick is chatting with Pa when he casually mentions that he may want to propose to Raven at the end of this whole thing. (It is Nick, after all.) Pa says that he actually likes Nick more than he thought he would, so he’ll go ahead and give his blessing. (I mean, we’re just talking about giving away his daughter here. It’s not like it’s his prized hog or something…)
Raven and Nick go out back, and Raven decides to drop the Big L on Nick…but then chickens out.
“It’s so hard for me to say ‘I love you’,” she tells us.
Um…yeah, probably because you’ve only known the guy for a few weeks…and he’s Nick.
Raven fears that her not telling Nick she loves him will forever ruin the possibility of them having a “fairytale ending.”
Next, Nick heads to Dallas. He meets up with Rachel, who tells us that she’s going to take Nick to her church!
Almost everyone in there is black, and a lot of the people aren’t even trying to hide the fact that they’re slightly annoyed that Opie and his camera crew have come in and disrupted their church service.
The pastor announces that Rachel “brought her boyfriend” to church today and everyone claps politely. Nick says that he’s not uncomfortable being in a prominently black church, and Rachel looks relieved that Nick didn’t do anything to stupid.
Later, the topic of race comes up. Nick explains that he doesn’t care about them being different races. Rachel explains that her dad was unable to meet Nick due to “work obligations” (mmmm-hmmm), but Nick will get to meet other members of her family. Nick will be the first white guy that Rachel has brought home.
Nick meets Rachel’s mother, two sisters, cousin and brother-in-law (who happens to be white). They sit down to a Southern lunch, and Rachel’s sister straight-out looks at Nick and asks him if he knows what the hell he’s eating.
“I’m not from Mars,” he replies. (Wait…was that Nick actually being a little witty for once?)
Nick and Rachel go to chat with Rachel’s sister and her white husband.
“You two make us feel at home,” Nick tells them.
And there‘s that awkward Nick we’ve come to know…
Nick admits that he’s never really seriously dated a black woman, and Rachel’s sister wants Nick to know that an interracial relationship is not all New Orleans parades and champagne toasts. Rachel’s mother also wants Nick to know how hard it is to be in an interracial relationship. Nick is full of cliches, telling the mom that he feels them being different races will “make them better people.”
Nick bids the family farewell, and then zooms off to Miami to meet Corinne’s family.
She has Nick meet her at (where else?) the mall. Of all the fabulous places–restaurants and beaches–the city has to offer, she takes him to the damn mall. Corinne gleefully announces that they’ll be going SHOPPING!
Nick looks terrified as he realizes that Corinne is on a first name basis with everyone who works at these stores.
“I think that’s a good thing,” Nick says.
Um…yeah, until you’re the one paying for her shopping…and your only income comes from hawking weird weight loss teas on Instagram…
After forcing Nick to watch her buy crap for herself, she allows Nick to go shopping for something too. He comes out in an outfit that makes him look like he drives the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland. He then puts on $800 sweatpants, and a V-neck sweater that shows off his ample man-cleavage.
Corinne demands that he buy it all, and her total comes to $8,000. Corinne plops down her credit card without flinching and Nick is surprised.
“I’m a bargain shopper,” Nick tells her. “This makes me nervous! I have hives!”
Well…among other things…
Later at lunch, Corinne admits that she’s in love with Nick. He gets a glazed look in his eye, almost like he’s trying to decide to kiss her or ask her if that means he’s allowed to go back to the store and get that V-neck in another color. He chooses to kiss her, and Corinne is nervous for her family to meet this stud.
They walk into the house and Nick meets Corinne’s parents, sister and….nanny Raquel! Corinne brings up the fact that the other girls made fun of her for having a nanny, and Corinne’s mom insists that Raquel is one of the family…who serves them wine, of course.
Corinne pulls her dad aside to chat about Nick. Corinne reveals that she’s in love with Nick, and her dad is shocked.
“Well…we’ve been dating for a month and a half!” she replies.
She says that Nick sees her for who she really is, and that’s why he likes her. Um…you put whipped cream on your boobs and let him lick it off, girl. That’s why she likes you!
Corinne says that she’s OK with having to be the breadwinner, since we know Nick doesn’t really have a job. Corinne’s father isn’t buying it. I mean, do you know how much Fit Tea Nick is going to have to sell on Instagram in order to pay for an $8,000 shopping spree?!
Nick next chats with Raquel, who is trying her best to convince Nick that she’s happy and doesn’t need his help escaping this life…unless, you know, he had a cell phone she could use for a minute to call the embassy.
Next up is Corinne’s Dad, who tells Nick that he’s concerned that Nick is a big, sad lump of unemployment. Dad informs Nick that Corinne told him she’s OK with being the breadwinner, and Nick smiles broadly, knowing that if he chooses Corinne, he’ll have time to focus on his “modeling career.”
“I want you to know that I respect your daughter a lot,” Nick tells Dad. (He respectfully licked that whipped cream off her boobs!)
Dad gives Nick his blessing to marry Corinne, and soon it’s time for Nick to shuttle off to his final hometown.
This did leave me with two questions though: Will we be seeing Raquel on Bachelor in Paradise. I mean, it kind of has to happen, doesn’t it? Also, if Nick dumps Corinne this week, does he have to give back the outfit?
Finally, Nick heads to Montreal, Canada, to meet up with Vanessa and her family. Now, Vanessa is one of the most boring people we’ve seen on one of these shows in a long time, so they are going to have to come up with some “issue” that will make her more exciting for this date.
Vanessa announces that for their date, she is taking Nick to meet the students at her school. Vanessa teaches special education for adults, and the students are all thrilled to see Vanessa.
In the classroom, Vanessa introduces Nick to the some of her students. Vanessa has her students make a scrapbook of all her photos from her journey on the show. They quickly get to pasting pics of Nick and Vanessa making out on a yacht, making out in zero gravity, and making out in bridal clothes.
Vanessa explains that her parents are divorced, so they don’t want to be together when they meet Nick. She explains how close she is to her family, and that if they don’t like Nick, she won’t want anything to do with him anymore.
Nick gets to meet Vanessa’s mom’s family, which consists of “15 loud Italian people.” Nick looks like he wants to back up all the way to that Miami mall.
Soon, someone brings up the fact that, you know, Vanessa and Nick live in different countries. Both Nick and Vanessa seem to be avoiding talking about the fact that someone will have to move if Nick decides to put a big ol’ Neil Lane sparkler on Vanessa’s finger.
The good thing is that Nick can really continue to “not work” anywhere…so why not Montreal?!
Vanessa’s sister brings up the whole location thing again.
“You might want to talk about that, you know, before you get engaged,” she says.
Meanwhile, Vanessa is chatting with her brother, who looks like the lovechild of Joey Lawrence and David from Roseanne. He’s incredibly concerned that Vanessa is going to get her heartbroken by this creepnozzle.
“I don’t want stuff to happen…and stuff,” he says.
Vanessa’s sister tells her that she sees a ton of red flags with Nick.
“What’s he going to do after this?” the sister asks Vanessa.
I mean…Nick has kind of run out of ‘Bachelor’ shows. But, there’s always Dancing with the Stars…
Vanessa is bummed that her family doesn’t like the awkward foreigner she brought home that she’s been dating for a month on a TV show. She’s hoping that her father’s side of the family will be more accepting of her fake boyfriend and fake relationship.
Vanessa’s father and stepmom listen as Vanessa tells them all about the places they’ve traveled. They look kind of annoyed as Vanessa talks about “how hard” it was sometimes to be in places like St. Thomas, New Orleans and whatnot.
Finally, Nick goes to chat with Vanessa’s dad. Dad wants to know why Nick likes Vanessa more than all the other girls he’s banging right now. Nick busts out his trusty saying.
“I respect your daughter,” he tells Dad, who is quick to remind Nick that he’s said that to the fathers of three other chicks.
Nick asks for Vanessa’s father’s blessing, and the guy straight-out says no.
“You have three other women who you went to their home and you asked their fathers the same question,” Dad says.
Nick is all stuttery and uncomfortable, but Dad is not stopping.
“You’re asking for my blessing, what does that mean? You are getting engaged to my daughter?” Dad asks.
Nick is stumbling over his answers and seems to be kicking himself for not rehearsing a cookie-cutter answer for this question.
Dad doesn’t seem satisfied, but he finally agrees to give Nick his blessing because…well, there’s a camera in his face and it was getting weird.
Later, Vanessa is bummed to find out that Nick admitted he asked all the dads to marry their daughters.
The next night, Nick and the gals fly to New York City for the next Rose Ceremony. Nick is fretting that he has to send one of these women home without making it look like he thinks they have a crappy family.
All the girls are worried that they’re about the get the ax. Vanessa is especially worried.
“The Hometowns made me realize that he does care about other people,” she cries. “It hurts!”
Um…they did tell this chick she’s on a dating game show, right?
All of sudden, there’s a knock on Nick’s hotel room door. He opens the door and finds… Andi Dorfman, the ‘Bachelorette’ who broke his heart!
We’ll have to wait until next week to find out why Andi would want to be around Nick again.
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