We have come to The Ashley‘s favorite week of any season of The Bachelor: It’s Fantasy Suite time! Before Nick can hit the sheets with any “potential fiances”, though, we have to head back to where we left off last week: in a New York City hotel room, where Nick’s ex Andi Dorfman has appeared of nowhere.
Like the rest of us, Nick sees Andi and wonders WTF she’s doing there (other than trying to get more Instagram followers/promoting her book/collecting that ‘Bachelor’ check).
Nick is confused, and we know this because he always gets a certain look on his face when he doesn’t understand what’s going on. (He usually looks scared..and somewhat constipated.)
Andi is not there to bitch or bone Nick, though. She’s there to “just see where Nick is at right now.” (Um…filming ‘The Bachelor?’) Nick rehashes how Andi dumped him on national television, and then tells her that he may not get engaged at all.
There’s a weird sexual energy between Andi and Nick, and both seem to be adjusting themselves in an effort to keep it in their pants.
Nick tells Andi that he’s really happy with his final four girls, even though he hasn’t “been alone with them” (aka banged the HE-double-hockey-sticks out of them).
Andi advises Nick to only bone the girls he can picture proposing to at the end of this catastrophe. She says that it’s not right to hump a girl in the Fantasy Suite if he doesn’t plan to take her to the Final Two.
Nick then apologizes to Andi for telling the world that they had Fantasy Suite sex during her season of ‘The Bachelorette,’ and she accepts his apology. Things between them end well, and Andi wishes him good luck in his quest to get into the pants of at least a few girls.
She walks away, and I’m surprised that she didn’t have an Amazon ad for her book emblazoned on the back of her jacket. #MissedOpportunity
Meanwhile, the remaining four women are filing in for the Rose Ceremony. Vanessa is especially upset that she has to go to yet another Rose Ceremony and compete against three other broads for Nick’s affections.
“I just…don’t feel special!” she wails.
Corinne walks in wearing a dress cut all the way up both thighs, sashaying in like it’s “Go See” day on America’s Next Top Model and the Tyra Mail’s a comin’!
The women are shivering in the cold, waiting for their Top-Ramen-haired prince to come and dump one of them. They are literally just standing on the top of a building, with the wind blowing on them, waiting while Nick catches up with his ex-girlfriend. As you do.
Finally Nick staggers onto the rooftop to face the “ladies.” He tells them how “uniquely special” all of their families are, and then starts to hand out the flowers. The first rose goes to Raven, who eagerly accepts. Rachel is given the next rose.
It’s time for the final rose to be given out. Nick presents the final rose to Vanessa, which means Corinne must go. She is wailing and sobbing and apologizing to Nick for not being his dream woman.
Damn girl– you should have brought some Cool Whip to this Rose Ceremony. Maybe that would have saved you.
“I’m going to miss the hell out of you!” Nick tells Corinne as he shoves her into the Pity Limo.
Perhaps Nick doesn’t need to take Corinne into the Fantasy Suite? They seemed to get pretty far in that moonbounce, so there’s no need for Nick to try to get seconds.
As she drives off, Corinne cries that her heart “is literally like, never gonna, like, be repaired.” She vows to try to find love “the normal way” (aka on Bachelor in Paradise). She tells us that she’s done trying to impress men by being their fantasy girl. Corinne’s whipped cream days are over, y’all!
The next day, Nick and the final three head to Finland to embark on the most important part of this “journey”: THE FANTASY SUITES!
Nick finishes reading the script that each lead is required to say about every place they go, mentioning that he can’t imagine a “more magical place to fall in love” than Finland.
His first date will be with Raven. They load up into a helicopter (naturally) and take off over the frozen wonderland.
Raven, who before ‘The Bachelor’ probably never crossed the Mississippi River (except for that one time her family went to that tractor pull over in West Virginia). She’s in awe of the sights. After their tour, Nick takes Raven to go play darts in a pub. They start a game with a couple of local yokels and soon Nick is ramming Raven’s head directly into the dartboard.
That won’t be the only head ramming….never mind.
After a few shots, Nick and Raven have a stimulating conversation about household chores. Raven’s considering telling Nick that she’s in love with him. This will be the first time that she’s ever told a guy she loves him, so she’s nervous.
Nick tells Raven that he has no expectations about the Fantasy Suite. Raven’s nervous to have sex with Nick, because she has only had sex with her ex-boyfriend Billy John Bob, and Nick will be the second.
She drops a bomb when she reveals that she’s never had an orgasm before. That’s right: Billy John Bob didn’t know how to, um, plow Raven’s field. Dang-gammit!
It’s time for them to go into a cabin for dinner and more uncomfortable sex talk.
“I feel like this ‘I love you’ means so much,” Raven tells us.
Well, I mean, this is the first time you told some dude you just met (who had previously been swapping spit with 29 other girls) that you love him.
Nick, dressed in a turtleneck that doubles as a neck brace, listens as Raven tells him that she didn’t feel the same way about Billy John Bob as she does about Nick. She’s stumbling all around telling Nick that she loves him, and Nick obviously knows what’s coming. It’s seriously the most painful scene.
“It was a comforting feeling that you gave to me that I’ve never felt…” she tells him.
Nick looks at her like, “Oh you just wait, girl…you just wait…”
She finally tells Nick that she loves him, and Nick takes time out from his turtleneck swallowing his neck to kiss Raven.
Seriously, Chris Harrison, I blame you for that turtleneck. How the hell did you let that man go on TV wearing that thing?!
Finally, Nick whips it out. (I’m talking about the Fantasy Suite date card, you sickos!)
Raven is invited to stay with Nick in the Fantasy Suite and she accepts the invitation. She reminds Nick that she’s only been with one person (in the biblical way), and then reveals that she’s never had an orgasm. But, you know, no pressure or anything…
They head to another cabin that has a glass ceiling so that they can view the Northern Lights (after the three minutes of pleasure, of course).
The episode cuts off at only one hour. This is probably the first time in years that an episode of this trashfest has only run 60 minutes and it feels…uncomfortable.
Next week, the other girls will get their chance to hump our hero, and then the girls will meet up with Nick at the Women Tell All.
Until next week!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!