Gather ’round kiddies for yet another educational episode of Teen Mom OG! The moms are here to teach us fans important life skills including (but not limited to): how to open a can of beer with your teeth while changing a diaper (a la Maci); how to master the perfect slicked-back bun-and-bang hairstyle (courtesy of Catelynn); how to terrorize an entire generation of people, one ugly-cry at a time (by Farrah); and how to find a fiance on Twitter in five days or less (a la Amber).
Let’s get to it! The girls have so much to teach us!
The episode starts off with Amber and Matt, who are meeting up with Gary and Kristina to discuss the surprise birthday party they are all throwing for Leah. For the occasion, Gary has finally sandblasted off his “DadBod” T-shirt and replaced it with a tee of equal hilarity. He is now sporting a shirt that reads “Bad Decisions Make Great Stories,” which, honestly is what they should change the name of this show to.
They go to some sort of arcade/pizza place thing to check out their party room.
“There’s a lot of room for…adults because they can stand around,” the guy in charge tells them.
Something tells me that he’s not the establishment’s Salesman of the Year.
Amber and Gary examine the party room (while Matt is almost certainly in the arcade area, checking the coin return slot of each game in hopes of finding loose change.) While the room is the typical kids party venue, it is not up to par with Amber’s high falutin’ standards. (Every since she ‘moved on up’ to the fancy neighborhood and got herself that jetted bathtub, she’s a first class passenger, y’all!)
Amber suggests that they purchase chair covers to put over the chairs in the party room. Chair covers! Half the kids in attendance (and possibly even Matt) are probably going to pee their pants while sitting on these chairs at some point during the party, and she’s worried about making the chairs look fancy!
Gary, who is still thinking with “steerage” mentality, suggests they forgo the chair covers and put the money toward a better gift for Leah. Meanwhile, Kristina tries to comprehend the idea of what a ‘chair cover’ even is. (Gary probably has her wrap their plastic lawn furniture in red Saran Wrap and pull them up to the dining room table for special events.)
After the chair cover problem is figured out, Amber just slips in the fact that Matt’s [former?] addict son, Chris, will be occupying one of those uncovered chairs at Leah’s birthday party. You can almost hear the record scratch to a halt when Amber tells them.
Kristina looks concerned and Gary looks like he wishes he had brought his “DadBod” t-shirt to gnaw on while Amber talks, in an attempt to keep from saying anything about Chris that will piss Amber off.
Meanwhile, it’s Christmas time in Austin. Because it’s the holiday season, Farrah has passed out brand-new shoe cover to all of the peons in the ‘Teen Mom’ film crew. No, seriously.
Sharing is caring!
Since Farrah bought her daughter Sophia a mini horse for Christmas (as you do), she’s worried that her neighbors will get upset, what with all the braying coming from the horse Starburst, in addition to the usual screaming, crying and berating coming from Farrah’s House ‘o’ Horror.
Farrah is convinced that her neighbors have taken to stalking her social media accounts so that they can find things to report to the authorities.
I mean, who doesn’t have a random horse in the backyard of their suburban neighborhood tract home, am I right?
Farrah says that she may be forced to move out of Austin (and the state of Texas) to get away from her hater neighbors, whom she’s apparently also allergic to. She’s considering moving to San Diego, California, which just happens to be where her
fiance boyfriend ‘Teen Mom’ cast mate, Simon, lives.
Farrah says that she has so many more friends in California (i.e. there’s at least four or five people who can tolerate her long enough to film a segment for the show).
Over in Tennessee, it’s Thanksgiving time. Maci explains to Bentley that, for the holiday, Ryan and his family are heading to Alabama to see their relatives. Bentley says he’d rather go with Maci to Texas to see Taylor‘s family. Bentley is nervous that Ryan will get mad at him for his choice, but Maci assures him that everyone will be fine with the decision.
Maci is nervous to tell Ryan that their son doesn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with him. Meanwhile, Ryan’s parents, Jen and Larry, are busy preparing for Thanksgiving by…decorating their Christmas tree, for some reason.
See, people? This is why the stores start putting out Santa crap in September now! Because of this behavior…
Anyway, Jen and Larry are hoping that Bentley will spend Thanksgiving with them, since he spent the holiday with Maci last year, and many of Ryan’s relatives haven’t seen the kid since he was a toddler. They are sensing that Maci is planning to take Bentley to Texas with her, and that she doesn’t want to tell them so.
“I am absolutely over it!” Larry says. “There’s some kind of hokey-pokey goin’ on! I don’t like hokey-pokey!”
Lastly, we check in with Catelynn and Tyler, who are preparing to throw their daughter Nova a birthday party. All of their relatives have been informed of the festivities, even Butch. Tyler is praying that ol’ Butchy doesn’t bring his usual, um, favors to the party: an eightball, a six pack of Mickey’s Malt Liquor and a crowbar (just in case).
Cate and Ty are in disbelief that it’s been two years since Nova was expelled from the Loins ‘o’ Cate. Since it’s been a couple of years, Tyler is now ready for them to have another kid. He expresses this to Catelynn by whining, “How loooong do we have to wait?” and rolling his eyes, all while wearing a Pretty Pretty Princess crown on his head.
Catelynn is not so keen on the idea of having another kid any time soon, but Tyler doesn’t really care. He demands a baby boy by next year. (Um…who does he think he is, Henry the Eighth? Geez, give a guy a crown for two minutes…)
Catelynn is worried that having another baby will result in her having another bout with postpartum depression.
The next day is Nova’s party. The whole gang has gathered to celebrate– including April and her husband Rich (who is walking around wearing virtual reality glasses because well…look at his life…whatever gets you through the night, man!)
Nova is sucking on a knife full of frosting (as you do). Butch has still not made an appearance, but Tyler is hopefully his dad will come. What’s a party without Butch? (Plus, they are almost certainly using Butch’s cut-off rat-tail for the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game, so he just has to come.)
Butch finally arrives, ready to party. He’s followed by Catelynn’s dad David and Tyler’s mom Kim. Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to Nova as she blows out her candles.
Later, it’s time for Nova to open her gifts. Grandpa Butch has something extra special for the tot: a pink T-shirt with his mugshot on it that says “Free Butch.”
Do those shirts come in adult sizes? No…seriously…do they?
Soon, the party is winding down, so Butch leaves. Kim and Butch’s sister Amber ask Tyler if he’s worried that Butch will relapse again. They think that Butch has finally turned over a new leaf.
Back in Indiana, Gary and his brother are slopping down fried foods and discussing how long it’s been since the last time Amber threatened to beat the BeJesus out of Gary. They are getting along well, and Gary’s happy that they are finally able to celebrate Leah’s birthday together.
However, Gary is worried about Leah getting attached to Matt and then having him bail.
“Leah don’t need a man going in and out of her life,” Gary’s brother says.
Don’t be ridiculous! Matt will at least stay until the MTV checks stop coming in! Obviously.
In Texas, Farrah is getting her hooves and claws done at the salon. Sophia is also having her nails done, while telling Farrah all of the things that she wants at her future house in San Diego. Sophia’s demand list includes a backyard playground, a mini house and an adopted baby sister.
The next day, Farrah’s fresh-from-the-Skinamax-channel pal Paola comes over to visit and meet Starburst. As Starburst goes over to greet them (and/or pray for someone in the film crew to call animal control to take him away), Farrah tells Paola that she’s moving to San Diego.
Farrah explains that her neighbors have “been, like, terrors” and Paola just keeps saying “What?” over and over again. (Perhaps that’s the only word she’s still able to squeak out, after that last lip injection. Seriously, there’s more fluid in Paola’s lips than there even was in Farrah’s backdoor at the end of her “special film!”)
“They’re trying to tell me that I can’t have Starburst in my own private yard!” Farrah says of her neighbors.
Go figure that people have a problem with Farrah bringing in assorted farm animals, a television crew and a large supply of Porta-Potties into their upscale suburban neighborhood!
The scene ends with Starburst chewing on his carrot, wondering what the hell kind of bad horse he must have been in a past life to end up as Farrah’s pet.
Back in Tennessee, the Edwards clan is still trying to get Bentley to go to Thanksgiving in Alabama with them. Maci is nervous that this will cause a fight with Ryan, who she says was basically MIA for most of Bentley’s life, except for when his mom and dad demanded he step up so they can see their grandson.
Maci, ever the martyr, says that she will fall on the sword and take the brunt of the Edwards’ anger about not being able to have Bentley for Thanksgiving. She tells Taylor that this is Ryan’s fault for being a trashcan-of-a-parent 90 percent of the time that Bentley’s been alive.
In Michigan, Cate and Ty are cleaning up after Nova’s birthday party. Kim has stuck around and is chatting with Ty about when he and Catelynn will pop out another kid. Kim just blurts out, “Is she pregnant?” Tyler says “no” but then starts shaking his head yes. Kim is understandably confused: Is Catelynn pregnant? Is Catelynn not pregnant? Is Tyler just on angel dust or something and unable to control his head movements?
Cate finally settles the debate, telling Kim that she’s not knocked up…yet. Kim tells her son not to impregnate his wife until Catelynn is ready because the moms are the ones who really do everything.
Kim’s being quite the little pot-stirrer today. She then asks Tyler what he will do if they have another child and–GASP!–it’s not a boy. Tyler doesn’t even want to entertain the idea of not having a boy to pass on the esteemed Baltierra name to. (I mean, if there’s no male child who can someday tattoo that name on his neck, why even bother having another kid?!)
Tyler wants a boy so bad that he’s done extensive research to find out how to make sure his next spawn is male.
“Can’t science go in there and say, ‘Eat more pineapple and you’ll produce more male stuff?'” Tyler says.
Come on science! Forget about all that global warming and stem cell stuff! Tyler wants a boy! Figure it out!
Kim wants to help. She tells her son that she’s heard that doing “doggie style” while baby-making will help you have a boy.
Dear God. Thanks for that Kim. I will forever have the image of you and Butch bumping uglies, doggie-style while conceiving Tyler. Be right back. Going to go fill my brain with bleach…
Kim thinks her statement is hilarious but Tyler (and the rest of the world) is not amused.
Meanwhile in Indiana, it’s time for Leah’s chair-coverless birthday party. Matt’s son, Chris (aka “Johnny Cool”) is sitting in the corner of the party room, wearing sunglasses and looking like he spent the night “getting slizzard” ’round back of a Walmart.
Everyone else is there– Cousin Krystle and her litter of children, and all of Leah’s aunts and uncles. Amber and Gary are really excited for Leah to see that they’ve managed to put their hate for one another aside long enough for them to down a couple of pizzas and pitchers of soda in her honor.
Gary alerts the crowd that Leah is on her way in with Kristina. She’s shocked to see everyone standing there, including both of her parents, singing “Happy Birthday” to her. It’s actually a really cute moment to see how happy Leah is.
Amber introduces Chris to Leah. (Wait…wasn’t he living with them for a while? How did Leah never meet this dude?) Leah can barely muster up a “hi” for Chris, an action that Amber attributes to her being “shy.”
Next, Leah rips into her gifts, one of which is a cape from Amber. She also gets a present from Amber, Matt, Gary and Kristina, which makes her really happy. After the kids hit the arcade, the adults talk about how nice it is that they did the birthday together.
Leah comes in, dressed in a magician’s costume and promptly waves her magic wand at Matt, in hopes that he will disappear.
Sorry kid, but that’s gonna take a lot of alimony to make happen.
Next Gary asks Amber and Matt about their wedding plans, as well as when they plan to crap out a kid.
“That way Leah can have a brother or sister!” Gary says.
Um…if Amber marries Matt, it’s safe to say that Leah will have no shortage of brothers or sisters, thanks to Matt spreading his seed from coast to coast throughout the 1990s.
Amber says she can’t have a child, and when Gary asks why, Matt gets a sad look on his face. Amber changes the subject and calls Leah over to say goodbye.
Back in Texas, Farrah and Paola go out to dinner so that Farrah can talk crap on her mom and Paola can make us cringe as we watch her attempt to read the cue cards the producers most likely have set up for her. They talk about how Farrah isn’t really talking to her mom, Debra, at the moment.
The next day, Farrah goes out to eat with her dad Michael. She tells her father that she’s most likely moving to San Diego and he’s less than thrilled. He suggests that Farrah get a manager for each of her Austin businesses. Farrah says she’s needs one person who can run all of her businesses who is “very dynamic like myself.”
Farrah tells Michael that she is not currently talking to her mother, and that the move will help her distance herself from the rap superstar that is Debz OG. Michael insists that he’s trying to be supportive and work on their relationship.
In Tennessee, Ryan and his girlfriend Mackenzie are discussing whether or not Maci will be “a punk” this year and try to keep Bentley with her on Thanksgiving.
Ryan texts Maci to see if a decision has been made as to where Bentley will be eating his pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. Maci responds by telling Ryan that Bentley will be going with her for the holiday, and Ryan looks upset because he knows he’s going to have to tell his parents the bad news.
Mackenzie is doing her best to keep Ryan calm, but he’s mad that, once again, it’s all about Maci’s wants instead of his.
“It’s so unfair, I just want to strangle her!” Ryan says of Maci.
In Michigan, babies are peeing on the floor, but that’s not deterring Tyler from wanting another child. Cate reminds Ty that she has an IUD, so there will be no surprise “oopsie babies” (a la Maci) unless she actively chooses to take out her birth control.
If only IUDs were available in Tennessee!
Meanwhile, Gary and Kristina are lounging in their lawn chairs randomly in the front of their house. They are chatting about Leah’s party and Gary discusses how there are “many types of Amber.” He says that the current Amber is one that he can work with and that their co-parenting relationship is moving in the right direction.
Over at Amber’s place, Amber is talking about all the “Gary time” she’s logged lately. While she had a good time at the party, she is a bit upset that Gary asked about her wedding and baby plans with Matt.
Amber reveals that she was recently re-diagnosed with borderline personality and bipolar disorder, resulting in her having to take three medications for the rest of her life. Amber says it’s unsafe for her to get pregnant while taking the medication.
Amber says that if she stops taking the meds to pop out a kid, she will have “crazy mood swings” and could be back to her old ways of throwing TVs at people and kicking them down the stairs.
Until next week, kids!
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click here!