‘The Bachelorette’ Rachel Episode 4 Recap: Reptilian Garbage & Rotten Spellers in South Carolina

“All you guys need to pop a Midol and go take a nap. Seriously. You’re getting on my last damn nerve!”

It’s been two weeks since we dipped into the sleazepool that is The Bachelorette, thanks to some sort of “sportsball” game that was on last week. You may remember, though, that when the most-recent episode left off, we were in the middle of a big fight between some of the men. It’s time to see how that mess ends…

The episode starts out where left off, with Eric being all weird and jittery, yelling at all the guys who have his name “in their mouth.”

Even Rachel is starting to get creeped out by Eric’s aggressiveness.

“It’s hard for me!”

The guys are trying to calm Eric down during his current tantrum. While Iggy seems to genuinely trying to make peace, Lee is ready to poke the  bear and torment Eric, in addition to a few of the other guys.

His first victim is Kenny, who barely gets to say hello to Rachel during his one-on-one time before Lee comes up and tries to butt in. He stands to the side, hovering awkwardly until Kenny stops yapping and leaves Lee alone with Rachel.

Kenny tries to take the cut-in like a man, but he’s not happy with Lee, whom he assumed was his friend up until this point. The other guys aren’t happy with Lee either.

Give us your best Mr. Burns impression, Lee.
“Excellennnnt.”

“Lee’s kind of a bitch,” Dean tells us.

Lee finally tells Rachel what was so important that he had to basically sit on Kenny’s lap until he went away. He carved his name into a block of wood, or something, and he’s darn proud of it. If I were his 8th grade wood shop teacher, I’d give him a C- but Rachel at least pretends to like that crap.

Dean hints that Lee has a low “tolerance” of “certain people.” He doesn’t elaborate, but hints that we will eventually find out more.

“Kenny don’t play that!”

It’s Bryan‘s turn to slobber all over Rachel. While she’s occupied, Kenny is starting to fume even more when he realizes that Lee may have been singling him (and a few other “certain” guys) to mess with and interrupt.

He pulls Lee aside and addresses the situation. Kenny is trying to keep things dignified, but reveals that he feels that Lee “snaked” him. Lee sees nothing wrong with what he did, and soon Kenny is yelling at Lee. Kenny says that they can’t be friends anymore and runs away.

“You boys are actually making me miss Wa-Boom, and that is just not OK!”

‘Bachelorette’ guys…they’re just like us…(when we were in kindergarten)!

Rachel is distressed by all the drama, and she wants to end the stupid cocktail party so she can dump some of these rejects.

“If I’m 100 percent honest, I was disappointed in the guys tonight,” Rachel tells us.

“The pressures I feel about being a black woman…I get pressure being in this position,” she tells us. “I already know what people are going to say about me and I have to deal with that.”

“Lord, help me to keep from slapping these knuckleheads up’side the head!”

She’s so upset that they wake Chris Harrison up from his 19th nap of the day to go in and talk to Rachel. He’s trying to find a solution to help her out, and soon he goes in to talk to the dudes. He tells the guys that Rachel is emotional and wants to get the dumping completed as soon as possible.

“No joke, some of you are getting roses with the thorns facing up.”

She finally makes her way in and starts handing out roses. The first flower goes to Will, who has a corny response, as per usual. Dean gets the next rose, followed by JonathanPeter gets the next rose, followed by AdamBryan gets the next flower, followed by Matt and JosiahJack gets a flower, as does Iggy and Kenny. (Lee looks distressed.)

There’s only one rose left and it, of course, goes to Lee and his drama-making ways. Although Rachel seems to know Lee’s a crapgoblin, she has to keep him around to give the producers someone to turn into a villain.

That sends home Bryce (the firefighter), Brady (the male model), and Diggy.

“There are plenty more seats on that Pity Shuttle to the airport. Don’t push me.”

Once they leave, Rachel gives a toast telling the guys to basically stop acting like PMS-ing teenage girls or they’re not going to get to go to exotic places and make out with her on a boat.

The group heads out to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina. The guys ride around on golf carts around the resort, hooting at the cougar woman on the golf course before heading up to their suite’s balcony to do the obligatory “screaming out the Bachelorette’s name awkwardly in unison.”

The first date card arrives and it goes to Dean. Rachel comes to pick him up before Dean even had a chance to change or unpack his Axe Body Spray.

“Can a producer at least spray me down with Febreeze or something? This Carolina heat’s got me ripe!”

They pull up to an empty field, and Rachel announces that they’re going to have a little picnic.

All of a sudden the GoodYear blimps appears overhead, and Rachel reveals that they’ll be going for a ride in it. She has a weird obsession with blimps, so she’s thrilled, but Dean looks like he’s about to crap his Docker shorts.

“And I thought that creepy doll Alex carries around would be the scariest thing about this season! Nobody said anything about blimps!”

As they await their ride, Dean ponders how likely it is that the blimp will crash and their lives will end in a fireball of jet fuel. Nothing says romance quite like contemplating a fire-filled death!

Dean forces himself into the blimp, despite his fear of heights. He’s starting to freak out but Rachel does her best to reassure Dean that they probably won’t die. She also looks like she’s afraid that an airsick Dean’s going to yak on her.

To prevent this, she goes up and sits in the cockpit and flies the blimp. This, of course, freaks Dean out even more.

“Is that a champagne glass or are you just happy to see me?”

Rachel makes fun of Dean until he takes a turn in the cockpit. He seems to be having a little of fun, finally, and soon he and Rachel are making out in the back of the blimp. As you do…

That night, Dean and Rachel have a romantical dinner in the middle of a moss-covered lawn. Rachel says she’s hoping to go deeper, and get to know Dean beyond his sultry Elvis eyes and that jaw that you can crack a walnut on.

They talk about their upbringings, and Dean reveals that he, like Rachel, grew up in a strict religious family. He starts talking about his mother’s death and it’s a very sad conversation to make this poor guy have on camera.

Of course, Rachel gives Dean the date rose. Then they walk a few steps north, where–wouldn’t ya know?–there’s a live concert going on! I mean, what are the odds?!

Dean and Rachel awkwardly sway on a raised platform above the crowd while the dude sings at them. Meanwhile about 500 cougars scream and record Rachel and Dean via their iPhones with cracked screens.

“How long do we have to do this?”
“Just keep swaying!”

Back at the hotel, the guys are circulating the next date card like vultures on a day-old bucket of KFC. Most of the guys are just hoping to get away from all the drama for a few hours.

Peter reads off the names of the guys going on the group date, revealing that Jack will get the next one-on-one date. Lee makes sure to point out that there’s “no shame in going home on the date…you’re still a great guy.”

“Anyone who starts drama gets thrown overboard.”

It’s time for the group date. Rachel meets her gaggle of guys at the boat dock and they all start charging at her like a herd of horny rhinos. They’re going for a boat cruise around the island.

Everyone’s having fun, drinking Mai Tais out of crazy straws and having a dance party. The men are showing off their awkward dance moves, pelvic thrusting all over the damn place!

Soon, the shirts start coming off, and all the guys are shaking their pecks at Rachel. It’s mildly horrifying.

Next, “Rachel” (aka a gross producer) suggests a push-up contest. Rachel sits on each guy as they hit the ground and do push -ups. Kenny decides to up the game with a rap contest. Kenny, a self-described “rap virtuoso,” tells us that his rap is on fire. Next, Peter busts a rap themed around farts. Everyone knows that girls love fart raps!

The boating part of the date comes to an end, but the gang heads over to where a group of mini-van-driving cougars are all hollering. It turns out that the guys will be taking part in a spelling bee. That’s hot. And by ‘hot’ I mean basically televised Ambien.

“At least I spelled my name correctly!”

The guys are all paraded on stage and will attempt to prove their smarts to Rachel. Chris says that whoever lasts the longest will be declared the winner of the “Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee.”

Um…that’s not really something to be super-proud of. It’s kind of like bragging that you’re the Teen Mom star with the least amount of children or something.

The guys are given semi-dirty (depending on what kind of mind you have) words, such as ‘squirt’ and ‘caress.’

Kenny is determined to spell ‘champagne’ in order to show Rachel that he’s not just a big ol’ meathead. Unfortunately, though, he spells the world wrong and gets sent to Loser’s Lane. Kenny insists, though, that he does know how to spell champagne.

“Well bless his dumb lil heart!”

Soon, a bunch of guys are misspelling words. The words are getting more and more scandalous. Josiah is left, and each time he takes the mic he starts trying to flirt with Rachel. There’s so much secondhand embarrassment for him…

“Dude, you won a spelling bee against a bunch of guys who have a combined IQ of 7. Don’t get too excited.”

It’s finally down to just Will and Josiah. Will misspells his word, and Josiah is next. He starts using his “sexy voice” and Chris Harrison likens him to a bad late-night DJ.

He purposely spells the word extra slow to ensure maximum camera time, but he gets it right. Rachel looks a little disappointed that she now has to spend time with this ego-maniac.

That night, Josiah is still bragging about his damn spelling bee win, and is even drinking his drink out of his trophy cup from the contest. Rachel thanks the guys for embracing the “smarts of things.”

Geez, bro, do you want the key to the Fantasy Suite or what?

Sigh.

The guys are taking turns sucking face with Rachel, and when it’s Iggy’s turn, he decides to nominate himself as the episode’s martyr. He vows to “warn Rachel” of the disingenuous guys in the group.

Well, we know what happens to the guys who “warn” the Bachelorette! Hope you’ve enjoyed your time on the show, Ig! Don’t be clearing a space on your jacket lapel for that boutonniere!

He tells Rachel that Josiah is someone she should watch out for. Later, Iggy tells Josiah that he just told Rachel that Josiah causes tension. Of course, Josiah goes crazy, and Iggy is called a drama-starter, since he had a problem with Eric this week, too.

“Iggy is like a gossip queen!” Eric tells us.

“I’m starting to look better and better, aren’t I, Rach?”

Eric decides to call Iggy out for his trouble-making ways.

“With all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch!” Josiah declares. “He does drugs and shoots steroids and he confessed that to all of us!”

Meanwhile, Lee is weaseling his way in on Rachel. He tells Rachel that Kenny makes him scared because he’s so aggressive. Lee then goes out and calls Kenny “a 300-pound ballerina.”

Rachel, why don’t we just cut to the chase: ditch these drama dudes and go bone Dean! Save yourself the damn headache and head straight to the Fantasy Suite with that hot piece of man! Let these teen girls throw Midol pills at each other.

“And there are plenty more raps where that one came from, sweetheart!”

Rachel goes out to meet up with Kenny. He immediately launches into a creepy rap. (It was reminiscent of the all-time great ‘Bachelorette’ musical offering that was Kasey Kahl’s “Ali” song, which, by the way, The Ashley will never get tired of watching.)

After Kenny stops rapping, Rachel asks him what the hell he was yelling at during the last rose ceremony. Kenny explains that he got snaked by Lee, and that he is still ashamed of himself for letting things get that far. Kenny tells Rachel that he thought he and Lee were made-up but Lee is telling a different story. Kenny tells Rachel that Lee is fake.

“You may have won the spelling bee, Josiah, but I’m gonna take the title of Season’s Biggest Sleazebag!”

Kenny tells the cameras that he’s not aggressive, but he feels like Rachel believes Lee over him. He confirms that Lee is an “alternative facts piece of garbage.”

Kenny says he’s not aggressive…but he wants to pound this “reptilian piece of garbage.” He goes up behind Lee and takes him outside to “chat.”

Will has stayed out of the drama thus far, but, like The Ashley, he’s not above watching the fight from afar.

“I don’t give a damn about Kenny and Lee,” Will declares, “unless someone starts throwing punches…but I’m gonna watch!”

We’ll have to wait to see what happens between the “reptile” and the “Pitbull.” Chris Harrison promises that next week’s episode will include an “epic, two-on-one battle!” Rachel will be crying, Kenny will be bleeding, and Lee will be laughing wickedly.

Until next week!

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelorette’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: ABC)

 

 

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