The Ashley knows that she said she wasn’t recapping this season of Teen Mom OG…but she just couldn’t resist doing one recap for the road! (For those asking, The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom’ recaps will return with the new season of Teen Mom 2!)
Anyway, it’s time for our favorite birth-control-challenged gals to head to the Big Apple and meet up with Dr. Drew “I Don’t Treat Them” Pinsky. The last ‘Teen Mom’ Reunion was quite a moment in television history, what with Amber stampeding to the stage to beat up on the Botox-filled mask that Farrah calls a face, and Matt giving ol’ Michael the heave-ho into a crowd of stunned teeny-boppers. Let’s hope MTV at least had the decency to buy the gals boxing gloves and Vaseline their “crooked ass lips” before sending them into the ring…er, I mean, on stage!
Let the reunion hi-jinks begin! Here’s to hoping we get plenty of people storming off stage, a Matt-and-Amber screaming sesh and at least one look from Dr. Drew that says “what happened to my life?” before someone in the cast screams “MONKEY!”
We start things off with Amber, Maci and Catelynn sitting on stage with the good doctor. (Farrah is being held in a safety pen off-site, surely.) Dr. Drew, of course, brings up the fact that Farrah is absent from the stage, and says it’s best that they move on from what happened last time. He then, of course, decides to discuss what happened last time for a good five more minutes.
Amber promises that she would refrain from beating the BeJesus out of Farrah should she decide to go up on stage. Maci, ever the martyr, says that she wishes she could have a relationship with Farrah but she can only try so many times. Poor, poor Maci. (Not literally, of course.)
Amber says that Farrah thinks she’s better than the rest of them. Catelynn says that Farrah treats her mother Debra so poorly, and that ol’ April would “knock me out cold” if she said those kinds of things to her. The crowd erupts in cheers over the potential domestic violence.
We look back at the most memorable moments from the season: fun times in the MAMBR mobile, the sad horse frolicking through Farrah’s yard, the “Free Butch” T-shirt given to Nova and the Puerto Rico trip. We also relive some of the hard moments. Amber looks like she wants to vomit as she watches footage of herself trying on wedding dresses to marry Matt. (We feel the same way, girl.)
After sitting through a bunch more filler (“Bentley plays baseball…Catelynn has a mental illness…) it’s time to get to the good stuff! Get ready to see chairs flying around the stage (and possibly a Forever Haute shoe) because here comes Amber!
Amber, all suited up in a brown camo jacket that looks like it was left in the back of Corey Simms‘ truck too long collecting “spittin’ tobbacy” juice. She’s also wearing some sort of brown pant-leg-like-objects. We watch clips of Amber’s “journey,” which is just basically a hodgepodge of scenes featuring Amber complaining about various things, while sporting an assortment of hair colors.
We also get to re-watch the wretch-inducing clip of Matt trying to get Amber to “forgive Daddy.” (Hopefully you didn’t plow through a plate of Mexican food before watching this scene.)
We see a Spandex-clad Amber cussing and screaming about how trashy Matt is after he fails his lie detector test.
Jesus God Leah, The Ashley really should have recapped this season. Sigh.
We come back to present day, where Amber tells us that she and Matt aren’t broken up, but they’re not together. Um…isn’t that like saying you’re “kinda pregnant” or something? WTF.
Drew brings up the fact that Matt has basically kept Amber locked in the MAMBR Castle for the last few years, and Amber says that after she managed to get Matt’s sweaty paws off of her (and her wallet), her family started coming around again.
Speaking of Amber’s Forever Haute wallet, it’s a lot lighter these days, given that Matty has taken it upon himself to “manage” Amber’s money…by spending it on “pokah tournaments,” band tees and most likely a hefty supply of antibiotics.
Amber says that hundreds of dollars go missing on the regular, and that she is the reason Matt has any money to spend at all. Dr. Drew is just sitting there, trying to keep Amber from going off into an angry tirade where she tells him to shut his crooked lips. He’s being very careful with the phrasing of each question.
Amber says that, despite the fact that Matt often plays hide-and-go with her money, and says mean things about her, and continually tries to get his creepy mug on TV, she loves him.
Drew states that since Matt is on the “deed” to the house that he lives in with Amber, she can’t kick him out.
“I don’t give a s**t!” Amber spats.
Drew looks like he wants to inform her that the U.S. legal system doesn’t work like “Teen Mom.” You can’t just kick someone down the stairs when you’re tired of them living in your house. Even if you throw a TV at them, they are still allowed to come back if they’re on the paperwork for the house!
“I make the money!” Amber states. “He makes a little bit!”
Later, Amber explains that she has the weight of the world on her shoulders, because so many girls count her as their idol. Oh…America…we have to do better than this.
It’s time to bring out Matt! But…unfortunately he was unable make it to the reunion. (Surely he was too busy dealing with his hedgefunds, or working on finding that pesky cure for cancer.) Amber looks terrified that Matt is going to hobble his way out on stage to “surprise” her, but Dr. Drew assures her that Matt is right where she left him: in their bed, doing nothing.
We do get to hear Matt’s heavenly voice via phone, though. He chats it up with Dr. Drew, explaining that things are fine, it’s just been a bad month, what with all the bank account draining and him trying to basically boink any girl who’s not Amber…)
Next, Dr. Drew brought up all of the missing money and asks Matt to account for it. Matt begins to sound nervous. (You can almost smell his sweating pits through the TV screen!)
“It’s not that there’s money ‘missing,'” Matt begins, before explaining that it’s silly Amber who just “forgets” where all the money goes.
Dr. Drew looks like he’s legit biting his own tongue to keep from exploding in laughter.
Amber isn’t having it.
“You’re talking wrong right now!” she yells. “Don’t make me look like I get angry and I can’t remember!”
Amber is trying to act hard but that’s kind of ridiculous considering this sweaty Muppet is legit lounging up in her bed at the very moment she’s acting like he’s so awful.
Finally, Dr. Drew just cuts to the chase asking Matt where the damn money is.
“WHERE’S $60,000? WHERE’S $30,000? WHERE’S $94,000?!” Amber screams.
Dr. Drew is sitting there looking shocked that these degenerates have that much money. If he was pulling that kind of cash, he wouldn’t be forced to talk to these ‘Teen’ Mom knuckleheads about their “boundaries” and whatnot.
They start arguing about Matt taking $20,000+ out of their account and going to Vegas. We are legit sitting here listening to these hoodlums as they balance their checkbooks on-camera. Again, America, we need to do better.
Matt says that he took his $27,000 in MTV money and hit the road after Amber kicked him out of MAMBR Castle for the umpteenth time. Matt assures us that he has the money…sitting in his backpack.
For some reason, though, Matt is unable to produce this Jansport ‘o’ Cash, which pisses Amber off even more.
Dr. Drew gently suggests that perhaps Amber should look into separating her bank account from this scuzzy street urchin and she again acts hard, like she was planning that all along. (Meanwhile, Matt is probably lounging on her pink bed with her credit card in his hand, ordering a copy of Identity Switching for Dummies and a hefty supply of extra-strength deodorant.)
Matt shoots her a compliment about her looks and she instantly warms to him, telling him that the guy who says a nice thing about her once in awhile is the guy she wants to be with.
Amber vows that she will break up with Matt if he doesn’t change.
After Matt hangs up, they wheel out Gary and Kristina to chat about what a trainwreck Matt and Amber’s relationship is. Gary makes it clear that things are going well between him and Amber and he’s not trying to get a TV thrown at him.
Gary says that he’s worried about Matt’s pill-popping and money-snatching, and then brings up the fact that Matt tried to Twitter-bang at least two other ‘Teen Mom’ stars before Amber took the bait and got with him.
Still, Amber has nothing but good things to say about Gary and Kristina.
When it becomes obvious that Amber’s not going to cat-claw someone’s face off, Dr. Drew moves the conversation on to Maci.
Maci appears on stage solo with Dr. Drew and we watch back all of her hard times– how her marriage can be hellish, how hard raising three kids is and, of course, how she’s been left to fix Ryan’s drug problem.
Dr. Drew brings up the fact that people have been speculating that Ryan has been one step from an appearance on Intervention for years, and Maci agrees. Maci says she didn’t mention it to Mackenzie because she didn’t want Mackenzie to think she was trying to move in on a hopped-up Ryan behind her back.
Next, they bring out Mackenzie, which means that there’s at least still a chance that someone is going to throw a shoe at someone on this stupid Reunion.
Ryan, of course, couldn’t make it to the studio to film. Unlike Matt, though, he’s not lying in bed, using ‘Teen Mom’ money to buy crap on Amazon Prime. Ryan is off getting treatment, and they don’t allow you to be Skype’d into a TV show while you’re in The ‘hab.
To remind us of how HIGH! HIGH! Ryan was during the season, they show clips of him looking dazed and confused behind the wheel. (But, of course, they remind viewers that they should never try driving under the influence at home!)
Dr. Drew reminds everyone not to get into a car with someone who gets HIGH! HIGH! on the regular. He then states that the show’s producers did not know Ryan was wasted or they wouldn’t have let him drive.
Dr. Drew then turns to Mackenzie and asks how she knew Ryan was an addict.
Um…she had eyes?!
Mackenzie says that she left Ryan until he agreed to go to treatment.
Dr. Drew is awkwardly holding Maci’s hand during this segment. (Shouldn’t he be holding Mackenzie‘s hand? Or, better yet, Mackenzie’s shoe so she can throw it at Maci?)
Maci says that she has known for a while that Ryan’s odd behavior wasn’t from his lack of naps. She confirms that Ryan once confessed his drug problem to her, and that he got help but it didn’t last. Mackenzie says she had no idea that Ryan ever went to treatment.
Mackenzie reveals that she has a few things she’d like to say to Maci, and she has written them down so she doesn’t forget anything she wants to say. Maci looks thrilled.
Mackenzie proceeds to scold Maci for keeping Ryan’s problem a secret since November. (She has even computed the amount of hours that Maci withheld the “secret!”) Maci immediately tunes out because….well, math…
She then criticizes Maci for telling everyone she could about Ryan’s problem…except for Mackenzie. She accuses her of just trying to use Ryan being HIGH! HIGH! as a storyline for her segments of ‘Teen Mom OG.’ (I mean, Maci had to do something to ensure camera time! She has to compete with Farrah torturing people’s souls, and Amber attempting to go “Karate Kid” on Matt!)
Maci tries to interject, but Mackenzie whips a hand straight outta ‘The Ricki Lake Show’ and tells her to zip it.
Mackenzie claims she only found out that Ryan had a drug problem two days before he went to treatment.
She tells Maci that she kicked Ryan while he was down, without trying to help him. Maci starts laughing, and says it’s “ridiculous.”
Mackenzie begins to storm off stage, and when Dr. Drew tries to interject, Mackenzie flashes him the hand too, and sashays to the back of the studio. Work that romper, girl!
With Mackenzie gone, Maci defends herself, stating that anyone with two eyes can see that Ryan was more messed up than Jenelle and Kieffer circa 2012. Maci says that her interventionist advised her not to discuss everything with Mackenzie.
Speaking of Mackenzie, Dr. Drew tells Maci that Mackenzie is now “available” backstage. Um…she probably went to pee and wipe her tears. Let’s not act like she had a day full of important meetings back there, Drew.
They bring Mackenzie back on stage, and she says that Maci is just making excuses.
“You’re so full of s**t your eyes are brown!” Maci exclaims.
Dr. Drew encourages that brown-eyed girls to get on the same team to help Ryan.
Finally, they bring out all the girls (except for Farrah, of course). They show them clips of the upcoming Teen Mom UK (aka Teen Mum), and Dr. Drew asks the girls if they have any advice for the UK gals.
“Stay humble, and remember where you came from!” Catelynn suggests.
Amber, who most likely drove her brand-new Corvette to the Reunion, agrees.
That’s all for Part 1 of the ‘Teen Mom OG’ Reunion!
To read The Ashley’s other recaps, click here!