It’s time once again to check back in with our favorite baby machines, the stars of Teen Mom 2! Last week, we were introduced to “new” mom Briana (who is basically just a Floridian version of Jenelle, except that she frequently says “wif” instead of “with,” and she only has two deadbeat baby-daddies instead of three…for now, anyway).
We also got to meet Chelsea‘s new son, Watson, in what was one of the most anti-climatic ‘Teen Mom’ births ever. (We got no oxygen mask, no moaning, no demands for anyone to hold the mother’s foot and no labor shots. #WTFMTV.)
This week’s episode starts out where we left off last week, at Loudmouth Burgers (or “Loudmouff” for those of you following along in Briana-speak). Briana is about to talk to the ho-bag that is supposedly hooking up with her ho-bag baby-daddy Luis.
Harriet Ho-bag was quite chatty, but unfortunately didn’t want her convo with Briana to air on MTV, so we have to settle for Briana’s narration of what was said. Briana tells us that Harriet Ho-bag “told her what she needed to know.”
Um…can we know? That’s kind of the purpose of watching this crappy show– to learn what trashtastic drama your poor decisions have brought upon you so that we can feel better about our lives.
Back at Briana’s apartment, Briana’s mom Roxanne and sister Brittany are watching Briana’s first kid, Nova. Briana flops into the house and tells her family she has a big announcement. Roxanne is immediately on-guard. (Shouldn’t a production assistant be jumping up to remove any and all footwear from the area around Roxanne? You know, just in case?)
Roxanne and Brittany immediately think that Briana is knocked up with twins, but she denies it. Briana tells them that Luis has been laying his sperm snake into some other girl, and the family legit goes crazy. Roxanne basically just starts taking off her earring so she can go crow-bar Luis’ already oddly shaped head, while Brittany is throwin’ nail polish all over the room and cussing. It’s amazing television.
Meanwhile, Briana is just sitting there crying, wondering how a guy she met at a club who boned her for a month and got her pregnant could THROW IT ALL AWAY! I mean, if these two can’t make it, given their fairytale love story and all, what hope is there for the rest of us?!
Brittany demands Luis’ address and Roxanne retreats to another room (presumably to boot up AOL and print out some MapQuest directions to ensure they shoot the gun into the window of the right house). Briana refuses to give her family the address, probably because she doesn’t want to end up on the news.
Briana tells them that she looked up Harriet Ho-bag on Instagram and later “axed her” during a three-hour phone conversation about her relationship with Luis. The girl confirmed that Luis isn’t interested in humping Briana anymore (which isn’t a surprised, because she doesn’t have the Miss Piggy nose he so desires), and that he is only sticking around for
that MTV money the baby.
For now, Briana is ignoring Luis’ attempts to contact her.
“This is a nightmare!” Roxanne exclaims.
Um…your daughter went to the club and probably got knocked up in the bathroom in between dancing to “Like a G6” and that song they always play that demands you “Put your mothaf**king hands up!” What the hell did you expect, Rox?
Roxanne starts crying hysterically, thinking about how the burden of taking care of yet another one of Briana’s illegitimate children from a loser dad is going to kill her. Briana really knows how to pick ’em!
Speaking of girls who know how to pick loser baby daddies, it’s time to check in “wif” Jenelle. When we last saw her, she was standing in front of a hotel, wailing about how she has no friends and only has that pesky Kaiser in her life.
Since then, though, Lurch has managed to somehow fetch their rental house keys. (He probably went to the rental agent’s house and mouth-breathed on her windows until she finally just gave him the keys.)
The rental house is already furnished (so we won’t be treated to any of Jenelle’s “more classier” decorations). Jenelle and Lurch arrive at the new house (and even bring Kaiser in from the car). There’s no Crib of Doom in this house, so Jenelle will have to figure out a location to plop the kid for a few hours (or, like, 15) each day.
Lurch apologizes for cussing out Jenelle earlier that day, and Jenelle just tells him to “CARE MORE!”
“You’re the love of my life,” Lurch declares, adding for kicks, “Even Kaiser.”
I think he meant to say, “Even THOUGH YOU HAVE Kaiser.”
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsea’s film crew is about to meet Baby Watson for the first time. He’s home from the hospital and the gang all takes turns holding him. (Watson gets his very first name-taggy thing of his life, so it’s a special moment.)
Since they didn’t capture Chelsea expelling Watson from her nether-regions, we have to hear the birth via a conversation between Chelsea and Producer Mandy. Chelsea says her water broke in the middle of the night, in the middle of a blizzard, and she barely made it to the hospital before Watson came flying out.
(Did anyone else find it absolutely adorable that Cole memorized all the important times of the night: the exact moment the water broke, when they got to the hospital and when she had the baby?)
Chelsea only had to push three times before Cole yanked the kid out. I’m sure she was thrilled to look down and see Cole there this time, instead of ol’ Adam!
Over in West Virginia, Leah is two days into her life as a college kid. She’s having a great time, learning all the readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmatic and whatnot. (For whatever reason, all of Leah’s classes look like they take place in someone’ s mom’s basement or the visitor’s room of the local jail, but…hey, we all know the schools aren’t well in West Virginia!)
Leah is dressed for success. She’s got her learnin’ lipstick on, and brand-new hair extensions to help her absorb all of that knowledge flyin’ at her! In between classes, she Facetimes her pal Liz. (Again, there’s no sign of Chasity. Perhaps she has some sort of court-mandated obligation to fulfill or something?)
Leah tells her pal all about how Addie, “bless her heart,” was confused as to why she and the twins have different dads, and why her dad didn’t come fetch her at the parking lot like Ali’s dad did earlier that week.
“Addie hasn’t saw him in like two weeks,” Leah says.
(Hey…Leah? Maybe you should try to jump into a second English class? You know, just so you can do some extra learning?)
“She’ll learn,” Liz tells Leah. (Seriously all Addie needs to do is watch about three episodes of ‘Teen Mom 2’ and the whole “different baby daddy” thing will be second-hat to her!)
Finally, we make our way to Delaware to see what Kail is up to. Javi has arrived at
her their home, and he goes to try to give her a hug.
“Don’t touch me!” Kail screams at him. “Don’t be fake!”
Javi climbs the stairs to go surprise the boys and then just starts sifting through the fridge, looking for treats (and/or a good way to piss Kail off.) Javi pleads that he’s thirsty (which, is, of course, the understatement of the century), and Kail tells him to basically take his dry mouth and get the hell out of her fridge.
Javi manages to steal a few sips of water and sits down with Kail to discuss the possibility that he could be getting deployed again. Kail is not happy that Javi has already told the kids about it, given that he’s not even sure he’s going at this point. Javi agrees that he made a mistake and Kail can’t believe that she won the argument so easily.
Back in North Carolina, Jenelle tells us that Nathan hasn’t seen Kaiser in over a month because she doesn’t trust him to watch the kid. (Surely Nate doesn’t have the parental skills that Jenelle and Lurch have. He can’t toss Kaiser across the room or slam the door in his face quite like they can!)
Lurch and Jenelle are dining inside a restaurant and Lurch keeps telling Jenelle how stunning she looks. He is, of course, wearing sunglasses inside the restaurant. (As you do).
There are several reasons he could be wearing the sunglasses: 1) he may be doing his best Sammy Davis Jr. impression 2) he is trying to protect his eyebrows from being eaten by Jenelle’s eyebrows or 3) his future is so bright he has to wear shades!
I mean, there’s always the possibility that he took too many “vitamins” and they had an effect on his pupils, but it’s highly doubtful, given that Lurch is such a pillar of the community and all.
Anyway, Jenelle says she is going to mediation with Nathan the next day because she’s afraid of Kaiser going over to Nathan’s Protein Palace because it’s full of empty beer bottles and liquor bottles and whatnot. (Jenelle only has interest in full liquor bottles, apparently.)
Jenelle also announces that Nathan recently got thrown in the slammer…again. She hopes that Nathan will get one less weekend with Kaiser and that Nathan’s mom will have to be there for all visits.
In Florida, Briana tells us that ol’ Lu has been informed that the jig is up, and that Briana knows he’s been playing “Hide the Hose” with at least one other girl.
She’s allowing him to go to her house so that they can talk about what happened, what they want to do, and what (if any) antibiotics Briana is going to have to start taking as a result of Luis’ fornication. She tells her family to leave so that they don’t end up beating Luis to a bloody pulp with their Forever 21 pumps.
“His actions are, like, domino-effecting on everybody’s plans!” Brittany declares.
She kicks the fam out (Nova included) and soon Prince Luis arrives. He knocks on the door and seems to kind of be expecting Roxanne to pop out from behind the wall and chuck a vase at him or something. Briana lets him in and Luis starts spewing the lines he rehearsed in the car (OK…on the bus) on the way over here.
“I don’t know where to start to begin,” he says.
He admits he “f**ked up” (and f**ked Harriet Ho-bag), and tells Briana his actions were stupid and childish.
Luis is barely able to force the next words from his mouth.
“I.Want.Us.To.Be.Together.And.Go.On.With.The.Plans.That.We.Had,” he tells her robotically.
Briana tells Luis that their dreams of moving in together after a few months of casually dating will now never happen. She’s an independent woman (well…except for the fact that she lives off her mom, of course), and she doesn’t need to be with Luis just because he knocked her up!
(Why, oh why, can’t Brittany, Roxanne and Nova all come dancing through the door right here, waving their fingers at Luis and singing “All the Single Ladies”?)
Luis begs for another chance, but Briana says she’ll “eat herself alive thinking he’s out doing stuff.” (Well, he will be, of course…) She says it would be a toxic environment for her and Nova. She starts to cry because she knows she’s going to have to co-parent with another loser.
Don’t worry, Bri! He’ll probably split before you even pop that placenta out!
“I’ve been down this route and I don’t wanna go through it again!” Briana cries.
Um…then stop picking loser baby daddies. Or, better yet, stop getting knocked up!
Since their dreams of a fairytale life together have been shattered, Briana casually suggests that they place their lovechild up for adoption. Luis, the devoted dad, declares that adoption is not an option.
“I might be a liar, I might be an a**hole and I might be a dick but I am all about family.” Luis declares.
This may be on-par with that line uttered by the Great Kieffer Delp: “Bein’ a felon ain’t illegal.”
I LOVE LUIS!
Briana decides that the baby will just have to be raised up in a “f**ked up situation.” She then reminds family-man Luis that he was all about her marching up to the ol’ abortion clinic just a few short months ago.
Luis realizes she’s kind of got him there.
“Well, uh….that was then!” he declares.
Briana tries to woo Luis with all the perks of adoption.
“You can still be in the baby’s life,” she tells him. “You just won’t be taking care of the baby.”
Um, girl, that’s exactly what he’s planning to do without putting the kid up for adoption.
“If you was to leave and not be around, I’m stuck with these two kids!” she tells him.
Be sure this Kodak moment makes its way into the baby’s memory book! And Nova’s too!
Briana says it’s no fair that because she’s a girl she can’t be the deadbeat parent.
“You are a strong independent woman,” Luis says. (Cue the “Single Ladies” dancers!)
“Even if I wasn’t here, you can do it.”
Briana, girl, he basically just told you he’s about to split. Do you need a house to fall on you to understand what’s going on here?!
To lighten things up, we head back down to The WV, where Leah is complaining to Addie about how exhausting school is. Addie is begging Leah to call Jeremy, so she finally does. Jeremy tells Addie that he’s at his current fiancé-thing Brooke‘s house, and but that he’ll be down the next day to fetch her.
As Jeremy is telling Addie how much he loves her, over and over, and how much he misses her, Leah can barely keep her eyes from rolling back in her head. She’s got that “Mmmm-hmmm” look on her face, and looks like she wants to chuck a can of ravioli at his head for gushing about his kid, who he ditched to go pickle-poke Brooke.
Later, Leah picks up all three kids, and she’s dying to dish about her school day. None of the kids care about anything other than the Pringles they are jamming into their traps, but Aleeah is especially over hearing about Leah’s 14th attempt at getting herself “learned.”
“I wrote a writing sample today and it was about me being the best mommy I can be!” Leah declares.
“OH my gawd!” Aleeah says, rolling her eyes. “Blah Blah Blah Blah! I don’t care!”
Leah scolds Aleeah for being rude. (Something tells me that Aleeah is going to be getting one less gas station treat in her lunchbox tomorrow!)
Leah pulls over to the side of the road to give Addie to Jeremy, but he’s 30 minutes late for the meeting. Addie has crashed from her sugar high by then, but she still delivers her to him. Addie wakes up and requests that Jeremy take her to Walmart.
“That’s the only place you ever want to go!” Jeremy says.
Well…this is Teen Mom 2!
Meanwhile in Delaware, Kail is back on her phone. We legit spend about 15 minutes a week watching Kail play on her phone. You guys realize that, right?
She calls Soul Sister Kristen and tells her that she has broken up with the mystery guy she was seeing last episode. She says their relationship was on-and-off and now it’s off, so he’s out of the picture for good. (Insert foreshadowing here)
She says she’s super glad she kept her relationship private, and only boinked him when her kids were at their dads’ houses. Kail declares that she’s not in any position to be looking for a relationship now. She’s not looking for any guy (or girl) to romance any time soon.
The next day, Kail drops the kids off at Javi’s and is driving home. She’s chatting with Sterling on the phone. She says that she doesn’t feel good and is very tired.
“Dude, you’re so pregnant!” Sterling declares.
Kail looks horrified and whispers to her friend that she’s filming. Sterling apparently becomes Ricky Ricardo when she outs her friends’ secrets.
“Ay yi yi!” she replies.
In South Dakota, Cole is preparing for a night out, so Chelsea will have both kids. (Or, according to Briana, will be “stuck with two kids.”) Aubree declares that she would like to go out with Cole and his friends, but obviously she can’t.
She starts to throw a fit, and just loses her s**t. Time-outs are threatened and numbers are counted but the fit continues. Her iPad is taken away, but the fit continues. They finally arrive home, and Cole can’t stop laughing, which pisses Chelsea off.
I guess now we see why Briana doesn’t want to be stuck with two kids!
In North Carolina, Jenelle has arrived at her home away from home– the county courthouse. As per usual, she has Lurch in tow, and she’s heading to her mediation to try to pluck some of Nathan’s parental rights from him. Nathan (sans his man-bun) arrives at the courthouse, but he declares he’s “done with the cameras!”
We aren’t able to go into the court room with Jenelle & Co. but an hour later, the assembly of degenerates file out of the courthouse. Jenelle tells us that Nathan agreed to the terms of the new visitation agreement. Nathan is suddenly a Chatty Kathy, telling the producer that the “brat got everything she wanted, like always.”
He starts telling everything that went down inside the courtroom. He says they both have custody, but his visits have to be supevrvised and that now instead of getting Kaiser three weekends a month, he has him every other weekend.
Wait…does Nathan even know that every other weekend is less than three weekends a month? He seems to have no clue.
“I’m not giving any custodies up to them!” Nate declares. “I’ll fight ’til the last inch with my teeth if I have to!”
He may even fill the street with uppercuts, if pressed!
The producer reminds Nathan that he had sent a message to Lurch stating that he wanted to sign away his rights to Kaiser. Nathan says that his life was basically hitting the rocks, and he was hitting the sauce and that’s why he said that.
“I’m an adult. I make mistakes. I’m not perfect,” he says.
Nathan? Not the epitomy of the perfect adult and parent? Nah, I don’t believe that!
Nathan says he knows that Jenelle is going to try to worm more child support out of him, and he says that
his mom he will gladly pay it if he can see Kaiser.
“She’s just going to keep on going and going,” he says. “This thing is gonna go on for years!”
Yay! That ensures more trainwreck episodes to recap for years to come!
In the car, Lurch says that Nathan doesn’t really like Kaiser anyway.
“He doesn’t want to have to take care of Kaiser!” Lurch declares of Nathan.
Um…neither do you people so…?
To wrap things up, we head back one more time to Florida, where Briana is still hoping her Luis will agree to put their baby up for adoption. Roxanne and Brittany are finally going to get their time with Luis. He comes over so the DeJesus girls can berate him for being the low-life that he is.
Brittany blurts out that she’s annoyed she has to be nice to Luis when she doesn’t want to. She says this like she doesn’t know that Luis is sitting right there, trying to stuff in as much free food as he can before the footwear starts flying.
“Me and my mom are gonna have to pick up the pieces so that you can go and play with your willy!” Brittany tells him.
They all keep saying how it sucks that Nova’s there because they aren’t able to tell Luis how they really feel. Poor Nova is just standing there, knowing that she’s a big ol’ burden that’s keeping Brittany and Roxanne from being able to unleash their madness on Mommy’s latest booty call.
Brittany (sporting her Dr. Miami hoodie, naturally) finally gets up and leaves the room, determined not to whack Luis over the head with a roll of paper towels. Briana’s in tears, and Nova looks like she’s wondering if it’s too late for her to be placed for adoption.
Brittany reappears and reminds Luis that she once tried to fight Briana’s other baby daddy, Devoin. It seems like it could be the start of a “Jerry Springer” moment, but Brittany keeps her cool (well, kinda) and tells Luis that she won’t beat the BeJesus out of him unless she absolutely has to.
I think that’s nice.
Briana goes outside to cry, and a random producer goes to comfort her.
On the next episode, Addie doesn’t want to leave her dad and Chelsea wants Aubree to leave her bad attitude behind.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!