Now that we’ve established that the majority of the men on Vanderpump Rules are cheaters — or alleged cheaters, according to Scheana — let’s see how much worse things can get this season.
Here’s to high alcohol tolerances and low standards!
This week’s episode picks up at Brittany and Jax’s housewarming party from hell and the reveal of the infamous Jax recording. Though we don’t get to hear the sweet nothings of a post-coital Jax, (show of hands: who else just threw up in their mouths?) Brittany tells viewers it pretty much consisted of him saying he didn’t want to get married or have kids with her.
Brittany decides the whole party needs to hear just how much Jax Taylor sucks… because this is totally new information after all. With tempers flaring at the party, the guys decide it’s time to hightail it down the hall to Schwartz and Katie’s place. Before leaving, Sandoval attempts to defend Jax and Ariana isn’t having it, which leads to yet another argument in the group.
At this point we’re about one domestic dispute away from needing a flow chart to keep up with this mess…and/or calling the camera crew from Cops.
After the Toms and Jax leave, James (for some reason) decides he’s qualified to calm the girls down but Lala quickly informs him that he’s not. She tells the group she’s tired of “these men” thinking they can do whatever they want and that she’s willing to beat any of them down with her rat tail if need be.
I think that’s nice.
Brittany then gathers the girls in a circle to play the audio while Peter sits solemnly by himself on the couch, drowning in Spice Girls-esque Girl Power and wondering how the hell he became the manager of this sloppy bunch of individuals.
After the recording is played and with the group fully enraged by the thought of men in general at this point, Stassi takes it upon herself to kick James out, which probably confused him for a brief moment into thinking he was at SUR.
He ends up heading to Schwartz and Katie’s apartment to continue to stir the pot elsewhere. Listen, as long as he’s not banging on said pot in an effort to make some “sick beats” we’re good.
After James comes into the apartment, Jax asks him if he’s the one that caused all of the drama, which James denies and then puts on Ariana and Lala. Jax tells the guys he and Brittany are done and then Sandoval starts to further cross over to the dark side that is Team Jax because he, too, blames Ariana for her poor timing in bringing up the recording.
Because there isn’t enough drama going on already, Ariana and Kristen (an unlikely duo) also head down the hall. Jax immediately gets onto Ariana about playing the recording and Sandoval joins in on the bashing. Ariana calls Sandoval obtuse and says he’s ridiculous for taking Jax’s side on this one. Their argument elevates to a screaming match while Kristen stands to the side thanking her lucky stars that she ended up on top in terms of relationship stability this season.
The next day, James comes by to talk to Lisa about his “Turn Up Tuesday” event, which he has changed the title of to the equally cringe-worthy “James Kennedy Presents C You Next Tuesday.”
James tells Lisa not to worry about him drinking on the job because he (and the rest of her employees) drank their weight in liquor the night before at the housewarming party. James tells Lisa about the Jax recording and we also learn at this point that James stole the recording off of Faith’s phone without her knowledge and sent it to himself. C You Next Tuesday, indeed.
Later we see Ariana, Sandoval and Lala head to Scheana’s to eat bagels, drink cheap CVS brand champagne and continue talking about the housewarming party. Sandoval wants to know how the recording ended up in Brittany’s hands and again tells Ariana it was a bad idea to initiate the reveal while everyone was drunk. Ariana is annoyed that Sandoval is questioning her actions and says she can’t handle him forcing his opinions down her throat.
Sandoval tells Ariana she needs to take responsibility for her actions and Ariana suggests they just break up since, according to her, he doesn’t like her as a person. Sandoval disagrees but the argument continues.
In the wake of the party, Brittany is cleaning up the apartment and Jax interrupts her to tell her he has no words regarding what she “pulled last night.” Jax tells her there’s no excuse for calling him out publicly and getting everyone involved. He also says Brittany needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. (Umm, did the guys mutually decide the previous night to all use the same argument?)
Brittany tells Jax she’s the one that got hurt in this whole thing and that she has a right to be pissed. She also calls Jax a dirty human being, which is a fair statement.
Next we see Stassi, Katie, Patrick and Schwartz head to dinner. Stassi is excited by the “lack of commoners” in the place, naturally. Katie tells viewers that Schwartz has a man-crush on Patrick and then Schwartz decides to impress his man-crush by telling him about getting drunk and making out with a random person.
Schwartz says Patrick is “good at adulting” and that it makes him want to “get his own s**t together.” He also tells Patrick he’s intimidated by his wit… and then Patrick drops some real intellect on us:
“It’s going to rain, you can only control how you react to the rain. You can bring an umbrella though.”
He’s really the Gandhi of our generation, y’all!
The group then tells Patrick about the housewarming fiasco and Stassi is embarrassed because she thinks her friends are a reflection of her. Don’t worry, Stassi, you have a lot of other things to be embarrassed about… one of them being the weird quotes your boyfriend is spouting off.
With part of the crew busy philosophizing on life, Lala, James and Sandoval hit the studio in hopes of blessing the world with their musical talents. Sandoval came to the studio prepared with his trumpet, but unfortunately he left his ability to play it at home.
He maintains that playing the trumpet allows him to express his feelings and by the sound of what came squeaking out of that thing, it’s clear he’s not feeling too well. Lala likens Sandoval’s sound to a pack of baby dolphins, which is frankly pretty unfair to animals as a whole.
The next day, Stassi and Katie come to check on Brittany, who is still shacking up with Jax… though they’re not speaking or sleeping in the same room. Brittany is still emotional about the whole Jax ordeal and Stassi is sympathetic as she went through the same thing six years prior.
Stassi tells Brittany she can’t wait to see her move on to someone that appreciates her and Katie tells her the current situation is no way to live. Another example of that is Jax sleeping downstairs in his own filth next to a mini-fridge.
It’s finally time to “turn up” with James for his big comeback at SUR and upon his arrival, Peter, having been through enough crap with this group this week, warns James that if he gets out of line, he’s “tossing his ass out.”
James’ fan club soon trickles in for his return, including his “best mate” Logan and Raquel, who brought balloons for some damn reason. Jax also shows up, despite it being his night off from SUR, and Stassi assumes he’s only there “because he’s an a**hole.” Fair assumption.
When Lisa arrives, she’s also surprised to see Jax, noting that he hates everything about James and doesn’t give a damn about seeing him play his music on Tuesday or any other night of the week for that matter. Lisa says Jax is only there to get under Brittany’s skin.
Back in the kitchen, Scheana tells Ariana she’s still mad about the Rob rumor getting spread around and specifically Katie for running her mouth. When Katie comes into the kitchen, Scheana initially ignores her like the mature adult that she is, but eventually tells her the rumor is untrue and a calculated move on her part.
Katie denies having ulterior motives for letting the rumor slip and the two ultimately agree to not talk about each other’s relationships. We’re sure that will last.
Because she hasn’t had her fill of talking about herself yet, Scheana heads to the bar to tell Sandoval that she’s sick of her relationship being talked about by everyone, which he thinks is ridiculous since she’s usually the one bringing it up.
Scheana has obviously tapped into her inner Nancy Drew as she’s figured out that SURver Jen “Not-The-Former-First-Daughter” Bush works a second job at Toca Madera where Rob was accused of getting his mack on (people still say that right?) Scheana tells Sandoval she’s going to confront Jen about the rumor and he looks as if he literally couldn’t care any less. Nor could we at this point.
As Brittany gets ready to head to her home-not-so-sweet-home, she stops to talk to Lisa on her way out. Brittany tells Lisa that she knows she deserves better and even Lisa starts to get emotional. She reminds Brittany that there are plenty of people supporting her and not to let Jax win… and also not to head back to Kentucky because she’s good for ratings.
Over by the bar, Scheana corners Jen about the Rob rumor. Despite Jen’s side of the story, which is pretty much what Katie heard, Scheana comes to the conclusion that the situation was nothing more than a game of telephone and that she knows Rob is telling the truth.
Keeping it classy, Ariana and Sandoval head to a back alley to try to talk out their issues. Ariana says Sandoval should learn how to empathize and that she knows she needs to not take things so personally. They don’t, however, consider changing their friend group, though that one’s probably out of their hands at this point. #Contracts
Back at Brittany and Jax’s apartment, Brittany calls her mom to vent about Jax. She tells her mom she loves Jax and feels like she should give him one more chance. She also points out that her mom has been married four times and since she wants to walk down the aisle at least half as many times, Jax needs to straighten up. Brittany chalks up her ability to forgive to being a good Christian woman… and not because she enjoys those Bravo paychecks.
After getting off the phone with her mom, Brittany goes downstairs to tell Jax she’s giving him another chance, but that he needs to go to therapy and start treating her like an actual human being. Jax (again) tells Brittany it isn’t his fault that the whole recording thing went down the way it did, proving that he’ll never change.
Brittany manages to overlook Jax’s stupid comments (as per usual) and tells him she’ll kick his ass if anything happens again. So in other words, we can all look forward to seeing that beat down go down at some point.
To read recaps of other reality TV shows, click here!