On the last episode of Teen Mom OG, we were left in the middle of several big plotlines. The show’s executive producer, Morgan J. Freeman, was about to give Farrah the boot for treating the show’s crews like the crap and for wanting to show her lady biscuits on the Interwebs.
Farrah seems to have no idea she’s about to get fired, so we know it’s only a matter of time before the producers run screaming from Farrah’s house and/or someone ends up in the back of a police car in a straight jacket.
Before we can watch Farrah basically maul the ‘Teen Mom’ producers like a rabid dog, we have to check in with Tyler. He’s still in Arizona, after taking Cate to rehab. Tyler has seemingly found the most “Arizona”-looking spot he can to film at. He is casually lounging in a field of cacti (as you do), while talking to his mom Kim on the phone.
Kim tells Tyler that Amber just walked in the door. Tyler is quick to clarify that Kim is talking about Amber, his unwashed catastrophe of a sister, rather than his co-star Amber Portwood. (This clarification was really unnecessary, of course. Everyone knows that if Amber Portwood were to finally roll herself off her couch, it would probably make TMZ or something.)
Anyway, Tyler is due to head home the next day, but he tells him mom that, if it were up to him, he’d just stay in a tent in the desert. Tyler’s mom doesn’t like that idea because she’s afraid the “Scorpios” will get him. (Apparently the “schools aren’t well” over in Michigan either?)
Honestly, Tyler is probably safer camping out in the desert among the “scorpios,” than if he were to spend the night in his sister Amber’s unlit, trash-filled House of Staph.
Speaking of “things that have Staph,” Amber and her fresh-out-of-the-slammer boyfriend/husband/thing Billy come visit Tyler once he arrives home to Michigan. (They also bring their assorted unwashed sticky children with them.)
Tyler is not thrilled that his sister has brought her jailbird boo and a bunch of kids that will probably steal all of the snacks out of his house. Amber asks Tyler why he’s being “crabby.” (We all know why Amber is “crabby”…and it requires anti-biotics.)
Gee, Amber, I don’t know why this poor guy is a little cranky. His wife is in treatment, his father is in drug rehab and his sister is basically the modern version of that “This is your brain” commercial. I can’t imagine why he’s not tap-dancing through the halls singing.
On top of everything else, Tyler is still trying to make his children’s clothing empire, Tierra Reign, happen. Without Cate, he’s forced to pack all the orders himself.
Tyler heads to the other room to roll clothing and package orders and is joined by Billy who volunteers his assistance. Billy is quite the catch, really. Not only does he look like a young Uncle Fester (whose family tree almost certainly goes around in a circle), but he’s just been let out of jail for (allegedly) selling drugs. Tyler knows better than to let Billy lay a greasy mitt on the product so he declines the offer.
(On the other hand, perhaps Tyler should consider letting Billy help? He’s probably really good at rolling things.)
After Ty declines his help, Billy takes a quick look around the room (most likely to see if there’s anything he can steal and sell to the pawn shop), and heads out. Amber tries to go in and talk to Tyler too (while also surveying the room for any electronics she can boost), but gets little response from her brother.
Next, we head to Indiana to check in with yet another Amber. She’s in full “pregnancy nesting” mood now, so she and Matt Andrew are preparing the nursery for their baby’s arrival. Amber tells the producers that she and “Babe” have decided on decorating the nursery in an “around the world” theme… with plenty of constellations, lights and travel scenery. (So, basically, this poor kid’s room is going to look like the set of some sort of trash-tastic Cirque del Soliel show?)
“I want him to grow up and know, like, there’s a whole world out there,” Amber declares.
(For some reason, Ambie’s got her hair all wrapped up in some sort of turban thing that makes her look like Miss Cleo. Perhaps she’s paying for all this “around the world” décor by being a Psychic Friend?)
Across town, Gary is relying on his own sort of psychic friend (a.k.a. a DNA test) to tell him which yutz that his mother went to Pound Town with about 30 years ago is his father. As we saw last week, cartoon sweater enthusiast Jody took a DNA test with Gary (at the amazing store called “Any Lab Test Now!”) to see if he fathered Gary.
Gary hoofs it (in his DAD BOD tee) to the mailbox and sees that his DNA results are waiting for him. Gary is nervous, so he has Kristina open the results. As she opens the letter, Kristina is quick to assure everyone that she’s never had to read a DNA results letter. (She knows who her baby-daddies are, which is a rarity on this show, honestly.)
Sadly, the lab results state that Jody is not Gary’s father. Gary is disappointed because he now has no clue who his father is. (Do you know how long it’s gonna take for Gary to scan the “Indiana’s Most Wanted” list in hopes of finding someone who has the same facial features as him!?)
Gary says his mom “might” know who his real dad is. (Jesus God Leah, just how many men made a deposit into Carol’s “love bunker” during this time period?!)
Kristina encourages Gary to talk to his mom, but Gary is now regretting going behind Carol’s back and taking the test with Jody. Now he has to break the bad news to Jody and try to get more info from his mother.
Down in Tennessee, Maci is getting ready to strip down and rough it in the wilderness while appearing on another reality show. (She doesn’t specifically state what show it is—just that she has to survive in the wild and has to be naked..so here ya go.)
Maci only has a few weeks to learn how to survive before she heads to Nicaragua, so she decides it may be a good idea to go outside and hack some wood and rake leaves or whatnot so she’s ready when the time comes. She’s even hired a coach to help her get ready for the survival part. (She could always ask Farrah to help her get ready to be naked on camera!)
Maci tells Taylor she’s anxious about having to take her clothes off because she’s a “super modest person.” Taylor isn’t too concerned about his wife baring it all on TV because he knows the show blurs out almost everything. Maci insists that Taylor’s going to be proud (and turned on) when he sees his naked (and most likely mosquito-bite-covered) wife on the TV.
Finally, we get to the meat of the episode—the big Farrah/Morgan showdown! Let’s get ready to ruuuuuumble! Unfortunately, no one had the good sense to drag in a kiddie pool full of Jello for them to “wraaastle” in after Morgan gives Farrah the boot. (No doubt that footage would sell better than whatever sexy-time web broadcast Farrah was planning to do.)
We pick up with a wet-haired Farrah greeting Morgan & Co. at the door. It’s all hugs and smiles…until Farrah and Morgan get down to business discussing her treatment of producers on the show, namely Kristen. (We do not see Kristen, but we can only assume that after her last interaction with Farrah, she was shuttled off somewhere so that she can hug therapy horses and hopefully someday forget the horrors she saw.)
“You don’t snap your fingers and say ‘New producer!’ and we fly one in,” Morgan tells Farrah. (Um…actually, Morgan, that’s exactly what you guys have done in the past…)
Shortly after Morgan begins speaking, Farrah cuts him off, naturally.
“I am so compassionate, I am so understanding, I am working my ass off just like everyone,” she tells Morgan.
Big Mo can’t even keep his eyes from rolling back into his head when he hears Farrah say this. He tells her that she has little respect and empathy for other people.
Farrah insists that Kristen got what she deserved, telling Morgan that he’s welcome to send Kristen to work with some of the other ‘Teen Mom’ girls so she can “bounce around” and annoy someone else for a while. Farrah says that there are probably plenty of people who would want to be her producer. (I mean—who WOULDN’T line up to work with this miserable, disrespectful toad!?)
Morgan tells Farrah that she’s impossible to keep happy and that, out of the nine moms, she’s the only one who makes the crew want to heavily sedate themselves and contemplate their career path.
“I’m not difficult!” Farrah yells.
We know Farrah’s getting mad because her eyes are bugging out and she’s starting to blink uncontrollably. Pretty soon her eyes will flash red and her head will start spinning around, which will be pretty cool to finally capture on camera.
Farrah again says she’s not difficult and Morgan literally just lets out a low growl so that he doesn’t collapse into the giggles and ruin the moment.
“I’m sorry!” Farrah screams. “Shoot me for being f**king who I am!”
They next delve into Farrah’s participation in the sex industry. Morgan reminds Farrah that she had told the producers that she would not be doing anymore adult videos.
“So web cam to you is adult videos?!” Farrah asks.
Finally, Morgan has had enough of this lunatic, and says if Farrah decides to continue doing these sort of jobs (pun intended) MTV can’t film her for the show anymore. He reminds her that the choice is hers—be on ‘Teen Mom’ or jam stuff up her backdoor on camera for cash.
(The fact that this is even a choice that someone has is just…amazing. What a time to be alive!)
“I have no new celebrity sex tapes out there!” Farrah says. (Does anyone kind of love that she had to make sure to throw in the word ‘celebrity’ so that everyone will know how ultra-famous she is? That kind of made me giggle a little.)
“Let’s get up and go outside now!” Farrah tells Morgan who is, of course, already sitting outside with her.
Morgan tells her it’s her decision. This does not set well with Farrah. As we know, Big Red does not enjoy being put into a corner.
“Who are you to tell someone to choose one thing?” she barks. “I don’t have to choose anything!”
Well…that went as well as could be expected…
We head back to Tennessee where it’s training day for Maci. She heads to a survivalist camp to learn how to make fire, cut logs and, most importantly, learn how to keep mosquitoes out of her baby-maker.
Once Maci meets up with her instructor, her first task is to start a fire in under 15 minutes. It does not go well.
Maci comes close to lighting herself on fire (which would be, of course, the most interesting thing she’s done in several seasons). She is completely lost when it comes to making fire, not knowing what to use for tinder. (After all, her only experience with Tinder up until this point was probably going on the dating app and looking at Ryan’s profile!) Needless to say, Maci fails to complete the task in time.
In Indiana, Gary has invited Jody over to break the paternity news to him. As Gary tells Jody that he “is NOT the father,” Jody is obviously upset. He and Gary both have no idea who else was dippin’ ol’ Carol around that time, so Gary’s father could literally be just about anyone.
Jody is also angry that he paid child support for Baby Gary for years. Kristina encourages Jody to demand a refund from Carol. (She should at least have to pay back the money they spent at “Any Lab Test Now!”)
Back in Michigan, Tyler continues to play Mr. Mom and evidently the footage isn’t exciting enough for the producers so they decide to head over to where the REAL money footage is gonna happen: at dinner with Tyler’s sister Amber and future hoodlum-in-law, Billy.
Kim has her house all gussied up for the holidays (which means she’s just covered the piles of trash with Christmas lights), and the tension is high. (Will the cops come busting through the door with guns drawn before or after dinner?! Who knows!)
Kim inquires about her daughter’s employment, and Amber tells us she will be “shaving dogs’ buttholes and washing their hair” for the rest of her life.
I think that’s nice…
Meanwhile, Billy is regaling Kim’s husband Rich with tales from his recent 85-day stay in the clink. Dinner is ready, and Billy (or the “New Generation Butch” as I’d like to call him) is excited to have his first meal in weeks that isn’t served on a plastic lunch tray.
Unfortunately, Billy can’t quite get to the chow line because…he is on a leash. This man is legit TETHERED by the ankle to some sort of charging device that he has to keep plugging into wall outlets. Is this man so poor that they couldn’t give him the wireless ankle bracelet?!?!?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING!?!?
Due to his leash (and I can’t believe I literally just typed that), Billy is unable to get his own plate (extension cords are expensive, y’all!) so Amber volunteers to fetch his chow.
I think that’s nice.
With Billy safely plugged into an outlet near the dining room table, Amber starts talking about the other convicted felon in her life, her dad Butch. Apparently, he’s doing well in rehab and is now sober enough to realize what a great big ol’ mess his daughter has become.
Amber says that Butch wants to know why she didn’t take the opportunity to go to rehab when it was offered. (At one point, MTV must have been doling out rehab stays like Oprah gives out cars.) Amber declined the offer, though, because apparently she likes a challenge. She tells everyone at the table that she challenged herself to get off “Adderall” and she accomplished the task.
It was a ding-dang Christ-meth miracle!
Unfortunately, no one (not even Amber’s young daughter) is buying that Amber is 1) sober 2) only using Addarall. Your mouth says “Adderall” but your picked skin, wild street rat hair and burnt out teeth scream…something else. (On the bright side, it’s probably easy for Amber to count the “sleeps” she has until Christmas….because it’s literally “one.”)
Then, just when you think “Methany Tanner” can’t possibly make her life any worse than she already has, she drops a bombshell on her family. She informs everyone that she and Billy are looking to tie the knot and pop out some more babies in the near future. (I have so many questions! Will Amber bring her own “ice” to the winter wedding? Who will be the ankle bracelet bearer?! Will Billy’s leash reach all the way down the aisle? And…for the love of Baby Gary…can MTV please film this wedding?!)
Kim and Rich nearly blow a fuse after hearing this news. (Thankfully they don’t because that would affect the charge of Billy’s courtroom anklet.) Kim suggests the two pump the breaks, at least until Amber stops the pill-popping. Billy says that if they get married, it will be legal to have kids…or something.
This chick legit doesn’t even know how many children she currently has. I don’t think illegitimacy is the big issue here, guys.
Kim begs Amber to wait until she’s been off the pipe…er…I mean pills… for a year before she allows Leash Boy to knock her up. Amber agrees but then informs the entire table that she and Billy still won’t be using birth control.
The scene ends with Kim looking terrified and Amber METHodically cackling. That’s bound to give me nightmares tonight!
We next jump back to Indiana, where the other Amber is trying to decide what color to paint her baby’s nursery. (You KNOW things are bad when Amber Portwood is the most prosperous Amber on this show!)
There are assorted blue paints (and random pets) everywhere, and Amber is feeling the baby kick. She lays back on her trusty GIANT SLOTH (yessss) until the kicking subsides.
“The sloth is my spirit animal,” Amber says.
Like, it’s not even fun when they take the jokes out of my mouth.
Amber talks about how different this pregnancy is from her pregnancy with Leah. (We are treated to a few flashback clips that remind us what a disaster Amber was when Leah was a baby, which is fun. It’s nice to see Gary’s “Belden Lineman Camp” shirt again. Hello, old friend!)
Amber tells Andrew that she’s the happiest she’s been in years. Well, she’s certainly calmer…for now, anyway. But… Andy better not turn his back while standing on top of a flight of stairs…
In Tennessee, it’s the day before Maci heads off to the jungle naked, so she’s spending some one-on-one time with Bentley. While sitting in a pallet fort, Bentley tells Maci that he doesn’t think she’ll be able to stick it out during the show if her partner happens to quit. Maci reminds Bentley that she’s a strong independent woman that don’t need no man. Just like Bentley’s father, Ryan, she’s no quitter. (See what we did there?)
Later, Maci’s friends throw her a “Good Luck in the Jungle” going away party. Maci tells her friend she’s going to be gone for 16 days, 14 of which she’ll be without any contact with her family. Maci’s looking forward to having Taylor take care of the kids alone, because now he’ll understand what it’s like to have to drink beer in closets…or something.
In Indiana, it’s time for Gary and Jody to confront Gary’s mom Carol about her promiscuous past. Carol comes in and is just the epitome of holiday spirit! She’s wearing red, white and green ribbons in her hair. And, no, not regular hair ribbons but curling gift ribbons…like the kind you tie on your gift bag when you’re trying to act like you’re not reusing it.
Surprisingly, Jody is not wooed by Carol’s hair adornments. Instead, he takes it upon himself to spill the beans about the DNA results before Gary arrives. Carol reminds Jody that he knew there was a possibility he wasn’t Gary’s dad. Jody starts to cry at the table and Carol dismisses his feelings with a simple “sorry.”
Oooh, Carol, girl you’re cold!
After Gary gets there, he asks Carol how many men could potentially be his father and she assures him there was only one other man it could be. Gary said it was be nice to know who the guy is, but Carol doesn’t offer any leads. She does reveal that she was a…wait for it…a teen mom when she had Gary.
I feel like Elton John should poke his head into the door of the pizza place right now and do a verse or two of “The Circle of Life.” It’s kind of fitting, no?
Carol apologizes that things didn’t turn out the way Gary and Jody wanted it to. She reminds them that she “can’t change” who she let diddle her back in the day.
In Michigan, with Tyler running out of people to film with, he’s forced once again to hang out his pill-popping, pregnancy-pursuing sister Amber. She brings up the idea of marrying Billy.
Tyler tells her that, yeah, it would be nice if Billy had a job and a car…not to mention the ability to move from room to room freely without having to look for a outlet to charge his court leash.
“I don’t think there’s ever going to be a guy that I think is ever good enough for you,” Tyler says.
Um…Ty? Have you seen the “merchandise” you’re attempting to hawk here? Let’s just say if things stay as they are, a jobless, carless convict with a tether cord sounds about right.
Later, Amber and Billy are chatting about getting married. (This episode has literally featured more of Amber than any of the actual cast members on this show…and I’m not mad about it!) Amber, a proper lady, requests that Billy talk to her brother Tyler about things before they get married. (Surely they’ll want to work out the dowry and whatnot—two pipes, a therapy pig and a box of generic mac ‘n’ cheese for Amber’s dog-hair-covered hand in marriage?)
Over at Cate and Tyler’s house, Kim stops by for dinner. Kim tells Tyler that she is praying for him because she knows the next 30 days will be challenging for him. Sadly, Tyler knows that they won’t be hard, given that they are basically just like every other day of his life—someone in rehab, someone away from home, him taking care of everyone else.
While Kim is there, Cate Facetimes from rehab to check in. During the call, Cate tells Nova to draw her some pictures while she’s away and Nova excitedly runs off to get to work.
Shortly after Tyler and Cate say goodbye, Nova runs into the room with her artwork to show Cate. Once she realizes her mom isn’t on the phone anymore, she starts to cry, throws her drawings on the floor and runs to her room. Tyler looks helpless and it’s a very sad scene.
Luckily, we have Farrah’s anti-Christ attitude to pick us up out of our sad mood. The episode ends with a phone call from Farrah to Morgan informing him that she’s not willing to close the door (or her legs) to the world of adult films. Her explanation is full of the “Farrah Speak” we’re honestly going to miss.
“Web cams and adult entertainment and healthy sex, and sex lives and safe sex is more beneficial and I will always continue to do that regardless if it’s my own show, not on MTV anymore,” Farrah tells him.
Morgan looks like he’s trying to comprehend what the hell this lunatic just said. He tells her to do what she feels is best for her, and Farrah tells him that he’ll be hearing from her lawyer.
We’re then treated to a mini-montage of Farrah’s social media posts confirming her departure from MTV. The tweets are all made up of A+ Farrah speak, of course, with claims of “hate crimes” and whatnot (not to mention the frequent use of the incorrect form of “there,” “they’re” and “their.”)
A message then comes on the screen that states, “Farrah is no longer filming with ‘Teen Mom.’”
I’m assuming that Tyler’s sister, Amber, will be taking her spot, given how much airtime she got this week? If she can’t have the spot, can we at least give it to Gary’s mom, Carol? I’d love to take a deeper look into her curling-ribbon-covered dating adventures!
Until next week, kids!
To read the recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!